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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pull out ds out of school?

208 replies

summerishereatlast · 25/06/2019 12:52

DS10 attends a very small prep school and is leaving two years early to attend a very good grammar school. We were struggling to pay the fees, and he needs to move. This was a godsend for us.

His friends dropped him as soon as they found out he was leaving, despite the fact they have all been great friends since they were two years old. The last few weeks have been pretty unbearable as he has no one at all to play with anymore, and he is hurt and confused. It has tipped into what I would consider bullying. Making plans to meet him at break, and then hiding to watch him wait alone, and then running off laughing. Whispering in the class, sitting everywhere but next to him deliberately. That sort of thing.

We have had tears every bedtime, school refusal, he has totally lost his smile and I looks very sad all of the time.

He feels very badly let down, devastated that he has lost his oldest friends so quickly and easily, and I don't know how to deal with it. What to make of it.

I do know the parents of the boys well, lunch and coffees, odd dinner party etc over the years type of thing and even they have stopped contacting me, it feels like we have been ostracised.

We have three and a half weeks to go, should I just take him out? Or give him a few days off? He will miss his end of school play, sports day and all the things he was looking forward to before.
Or should I be teaching him to ride it out and get to the end?

So shocked about it all, I did not see this coming at all.

Please advise.

OP posts:
Original poster
summerishereatlast · 25/06/2019 13:28

hercule The email from the teacher was so dismissive. Just one line more or less and none of the usual greetings. I am sure I would have got a much better response if he was staying on until year eight.

I got the impression this is quite 'normal'

But how is it normal? dc leave for all sorts of reasons, and to treat the children and parents with such contempt.

OP posts:
CassianAndor · 25/06/2019 13:28

wow, what a horrible situation. FWIW, when DC have left DD's state primary, there has been nothing like this, nothing whatsoever.

So sounds like it's part of the culture of this school's community.

I would be very tempted to have it out with the parents and make it clear you hold them responsible for their DCs bullying behaviour. And go into the head of pastoral care and give them what-for.

WhenDoISleep · 25/06/2019 13:29

Sounds horrendous. I'd make an urgent appt to talk to the Pastoral lead and base my decision on their response. If it is in effect a shoulder-shrug, I would pull him out early.

Have you asked him if he would like to leave early? Not putting the decision on him, but giving him a say in whether he rides it out or leaves early to get away from a toxic environment that is spoiling his nice memories of his time at the school and previous friendships.

Amibeingdaft81 · 25/06/2019 13:29

These are not young children if he’s heading off to grammar

Less pliable.

Rather than fight this battle, I would pull him out. These boys have proved themselves to be pretty unappealing friends, so not work stressing him out but trying to battle a battle - that is only very short term

herculepoirot2 · 25/06/2019 13:31

To me, that response indicates that they accept this sort of low-level bullying. I would be challenging it. You shouldn’t have to pull your son out of school.

usernamerisnotavailable · 25/06/2019 13:32

This is dreadful. My DS is at a small prep and we've had a fair few leavers over the years and they have been fussed over and given loads of affection when leaving.

This is not normal or par for the course at all. I would be taking it up with the head if you do t get any further with the form teacher or pastoral head.

Good luck.

Original poster
summerishereatlast · 25/06/2019 13:32

cass I have nothing to lose by having it out with the parents, certainly not now, but I was hoping ds would leave on good terms. It is very tempting to call them but it could make things even worse?

OP posts:
thedevondumpling · 25/06/2019 13:32

I'd pull him out. One of mine was badly bullied and we were promised over and over again they'd do something. The last few weeks were awful with one girl trying to drown her when they were swimming. My biggest regret in life is that I didn't say enough and take her out.

If it is any help her experience at grammar school was much better, we had one incident which could have been the start of something but might have just been us being oversensitive and her head of year stamped it out and never had any other problems.

I feel for you and him, it is horrible and nearly 20 years on it still upsets me to think of it.

Give him a lovely long summer to enjoy and leave these nasty little people behind.

recklessruby · 25/06/2019 13:33

I would pull him out. He won't be learning much in a state of constant stress as it is and its now impacting his time at home too.
I imagine he will make new and better friends at his new school.
I think the parents sound horrible too

Original poster
summerishereatlast · 25/06/2019 13:34

when He would love to stay at home given the choice, because he finds going to school really stressful now. I couldn't even get him out of the car this morning.

OP posts:
ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 25/06/2019 13:35

I would just pull him out now. I’m pretty sure that at a private school you can just leave (although I guess notice periods for fees might apply). Give him an extra couple of weeks of summer holidays, and hopefully he finds the grammar a much better experience.

justasking111 · 25/06/2019 13:35

Seen this post last month... the answers will not change OP.

cestlavielife · 25/06/2019 13:35

Take him out.
Better three weeks hanging out and if needs be some them for or educational stuff in august
Listen to what his behaviour is saying.
Take him long walks let him talk

Blinkingblimey · 25/06/2019 13:35

I think if the teacher has twice failed to intervene AND has given you the impression this is a regular issue with early leavers you need to see the head ASAP. You point out that until your son leaves the school should be following all normal procedures to combat bullying. If there is no sensible outcome following your meeting with head then to the Chair of the Govenors next and pull your child out.

Original poster
summerishereatlast · 25/06/2019 13:36

user all the leavers in the past have been okay (to my knowledge) but now in hindsight, I wonder. I have another friend who also left, children were older, and it was horrendous for her. Up to this point, I have never given it much thought. We are not an us and them type of family, so it didn't occur to me that there would be a problem.

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 25/06/2019 13:36

I would go in all guns blazing at the school. Talk about their duty and reputation. You do still have some power, you can leave scathing reviews online and I would make it clear that you can and will if they dont fix this immediately. They dont have to force the other children to hang out with him, but they can be creative in not allowing situations that make it obvious, he can have some jobs at recess, be ‘asked’ to be a buddy for younger kids, have to take part in some activity etc.

I would also tell him what you are doing, and have an agreement that if it isnt bearable by x date then he is going to start summer holidays early and make a plan of some useful things he can do for the remaining time (online Kahn Academy, weeding the garden, planning dinner and helping to cook etc). Having a plan that he knows about and agrees with will help him cope

helpmum2003 · 25/06/2019 13:37

I would probably remove him from school now if you can manage from childcare point of view etc. Poor boy. I would phone school today and request a urgent meeting with the head. Really to initiate a complaint about the teacher's handling of the case.

Parents and kids sound awful - thank goodness he's going elsewhere! Just have a fun time with him.

fikel · 25/06/2019 13:38

I think it needs addressing just in the sense that there is obviously a culture of disregard from the school, it’s disgusting behaviour.
If you feel it’s better pull him out, you could then maybe contact the parents telling them your reasons for doing so.

Bishalisha · 25/06/2019 13:39

If he were my son I would pull him out. It’s only a few weeks.

I know primary to secondary is different but I changed my son for year 4 at the end of year 3. At the beginning of the summer holidays I posted on the local FB group asking if anyone has children in year 4 at X school and if they’d like to meet up at the park so the kids could meet each other, and I put him in the summer club there a few days a week. It really helped his confidence when starting. Can you do something similar?

Original poster
summerishereatlast · 25/06/2019 13:40

thedevondumpling that sounds really horrendous. I am worried this will stay with him if he continues to go to school. Did it affect your child negatively afterwards?
Yes this will have an impact as I work pretty much full time, so need to see how I can do it. As I have to plan the holidays carefully. Just so sad it has come to this. Really thought they were better than this.

OP posts:
Mitzimaybe · 25/06/2019 13:41

I would give the school one more chance - tell them he is being bullied, that they were notified and failed to deal with it - in fact, it has got worse - and that if they don't immediately put a stop to it, you will pull him out of school and make sure all the governors know why. In fact, maybe copy the governors in.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/06/2019 13:42

Can you get in THIS WEEK to speak to someone at school and tell them at this point you are ready to pull him out? I'm not sure there's much school can do this late tbh, if the kids don't stop there will be a few warnings before any real punishment and that could be another week or so you son has to endure.
I'd probably pull him out, make it clear you will be setting work for him, it isn't holiday time but protect his MH

bluebluezoo · 25/06/2019 13:43

Yep, pull him if you have the means to do so.

Tell him they are clearly not friends. He can go to grammar and make friends who won’t dump him when they choose different sixth form/uni/job/hobby.

If there was anything important worth staying for, the lesson would be useful in not letting bullies stop you achieving.

But it’s three weeks. Go on day trips, have some proper fun. Can he sign up for swimming lessons, gymnastics, a lot of these run in the say for home schoolers.

I would also write formally to the school outlining their appalling behaviour, and you will be reporting them - in fact cc them in to a letter to ofsted/council/pta/governers/private schools bodies.

Also leave reviews on social media.

1Wildheartsease · 25/06/2019 13:44

They sound don't sound to be looking after him well at this school! That is very disappointing.

Starting the holiday early sounds good in some ways but might set a pattern for how to cope with difficulties in future - unless you can find some other reason for it.

Also, keep in mind that some of the stress will be a natural thing - due to preparing to go to the new school.

Even happy children -looking forwards to the change -get anxious.

It is a big thing to move schools even when all friends are going together.

RomanyQueen · 25/06/2019 13:45

I'd just take him out tbh, they aren't going to support him.
At the same time teach your son that this is life.
i don't know many who are still in contact with school friends as grown ups. the ones i do are only through social media, not true friends.
It's a good lesson to learn anyway, irrespective of problems. it puts playground friends in perspective.