To pull out ds out of school?

[summerishereatlast]

DS10 attends a very small prep school and is leaving two years early to attend a very good grammar school. We were struggling to pay the fees, and he needs to move. This was a godsend for us.

His friends dropped him as soon as they found out he was leaving, despite the fact they have all been great friends since they were two years old. The last few weeks have been pretty unbearable as he has no one at all to play with anymore, and he is hurt and confused. It has tipped into what I would consider bullying. Making plans to meet him at break, and then hiding to watch him wait alone, and then running off laughing. Whispering in the class, sitting everywhere but next to him deliberately. That sort of thing.

We have had tears every bedtime, school refusal, he has totally lost his smile and I looks very sad all of the time.

He feels very badly let down, devastated that he has lost his oldest friends so quickly and easily, and I don't know how to deal with it. What to make of it.

I do know the parents of the boys well, lunch and coffees, odd dinner party etc over the years type of thing and even they have stopped contacting me, it feels like we have been ostracised.

We have three and a half weeks to go, should I just take him out? Or give him a few days off? He will miss his end of school play, sports day and all the things he was looking forward to before.
Or should I be teaching him to ride it out and get to the end?

So shocked about it all, I did not see this coming at all.

Please advise.

Any ideas whilst I am here on how to entertain a new friendless ten year old boy for what will be 12 weeks!

If you're anywhere near the Midlands send me a PM and my 13 and 8 year old boys would love a pal to meet up with. We're often in Kingsbury Water Park or at Kenilworth Castle (the ice cream shop in the park opposite is where 80% of my salary goes through the summer months).

DH works away often so summer holidays generally fall to me. We bike ride, dog walk, go swimming, they do the activity clubs at our local leisure centre (nerf wars often go down a treat and cost about £2 for 3 hours of madness), there's a sailing club near us that does weekday lessons through the summer. I enrol them in cricket, football or rugby training days and try to make sure they also get time to just doss about in the garden in the paddling pool or with their lego/xbox. It will fly by; maybe book one or two things each week and give him some time to just 'be'.

Right decision.

Are there any summer clubs which are frequented by the children he'll meet at grammar??

Could you get time off now, go on holiday (in term time whoop!) then perhaps send him to more holiday club while you catch up with work??

I wish someone, anyone had given me the heads up and we would never have gone to the open day at the other school. It would have been far easier all round.

Which is why it'd be a good idea for you to speak up about it now! It may never change if you do, but it certainly won't ever change if you don't.

I think you’ve made the right decision, OP.

As for the 12 weeks - can you get him some kids’ cookbooks and tell him he’s i/c mealtimes?!

Pay him to do the gardening and teach him to weed/prune/mow etc?

Find an upcycling project for him?

I'm so glad you're pulling him out.
There's building resilience, and then there's showing him that you've got his back and best interests.

Pulling him out is definitely the latter of these.

Although this would probably go down like a lead balloon with him, perhaps you could contact his new grammar school and see if there are any activities he could be catching up on at least over the next couple of weeks prior to the end of school year? prep for his start at the new school, something like that.

I would take him out of school personally. The exact same thing happened to me (many many years ago) when I was going to leave the school I was at and go on to a private school. I was bullied. I would take him out of school, explain to the school why you are doing it (they can't safeguard your child) and make the time extra special for him. Could you go camping for a few days? Go to the zoo? Picnics in the garden? What does he love doing? You can turn this around and make it a positive experience. But that's just my opinion :)

Sorry, just read post!

We moved both of our boys at the end of year 6 to a school where many of the pupils would go at year 9 after CE. I had already got fed up of the bullying and could not see the benefit of staying longer at the school to do CE which I viewed as old fashioned. The others who left either went to grammar school or came to the same school.
Several people said later they wished they had done the same as us and regretted not doing it, and the one going to the grammar school was regarded as lucky- although another set of parent's whose DC passed 11+ were told their son would definately get a scholarship to a prestigious boarding school so didn't take the place- he didn't.
I suspect an element of jealousy. The Head needs to address this. If he or she doesn't, take him out- just go in, remove all his stuff and go.

poor lad has had a shitty time so i would look at activities which will build his confidence and either help him make new friends or take him outside of himself so he doesn't feel so alone. there will probably be all sorts of summer activities starting soon, i would look at anything drama/dance based if that might be his thing, or something like climbing where you solve problems and push yourself. some animal rescue places need volunteers to do dog walking, i would have a look at that, i find it really easy to get my own dc to open up when we are walking our dog, and it's easy to forget your own sadnesses when you're helping to look after something else.

Can he start at the new school early?

@78percentLindt agree. We had one dc do CE and one move at 11. Op Tbh I'm surprised news of your dc leaving has got so widespread. Did you just mention it to a teacher and give notice? Are there any more induction sessions for new school, or opportunities to meet up ahead of term?

I think pull him out you've got nothing to lose now really. I don't see what it's teaching him that he has to stay somewhere where people are treating him poorly. Have a plan in place though so he will be occupied and not dwelling on things.

LIZS
Fantastic idea. Could you call the school and ask if they could give him a mini tour or something?

Don't tell them you are going on holiday early - tell them exactly why you are doing it and say you will be raising the lack of pastoral care with the governors, even if you have no intention to. At least put the shits up them and be honest about the scale of the problem.
Then look for holiday clubs. Intensive swimming, drama, cricket weeks etc, wherever his interest lies. Ideslly at the beginning of the summer so he can make a new friend he can then hang out with. Join the facebook group for the grammar's new starters and instigate a meet up at the start of summer to get to know people and give friendships a head start (we did this for primary anyway - it might well be not the done thing for secondary!) Or at least try and connect with one other person who's starting then?

I would absolutely tell the head why you are pulling him out early. Even if it falls on deaf ears, they need to know. And I also think you should go in and talk to the teacher about it face to face. They need to know the deep impact this is having on your son.

Well done for pulling him out. It sounds like the culture in the school is vile (and I say that as a private school parent).

I will email the head and say we are going on holiday earlier than expected, usually a parent would need written permission, but I don't suppose they will really care.

Don't say this. Tell them the truth. "I am removing my son from [the school] with immediate effect as you have failed to provide him with the necessary duty of care you are obliged to have given him. I will be home educating him for the next [x] days and, as you know, he will be attending [new school] from September 2019."

Definitely pull him out and do special things for those weeks, treats of some sort. And I say this as a private school parent.

Friends of mine did this with their dd in a similar situation.

Sadly, the school is not going to care or do anything about it. They'll say what they need to in order to placate you during these last weeks but I highly doubt they will bother addressing the issue. FWIW - it sounds like these boys are awful bullies and he'll be better off far out of it!

Glad to see you're pulling him out if this school. the school do not give a Shit about your Son OP, and for a teacher to say she'll Keep an Eye is an insult to your intelligence and your Sons well being.. what she was really saying, was I don't care... so well done for making this decision, enjoy your Summer.

Pull him. It is July next week and wouldn't be unheard of for parents to take a 2-3 week holiday in term time. This should get you round any legalities if there were any.

Maybe give school a few days notice so they can do leaving cards etc.

The teacher has basically agreed there is a culture of pupils being bullied if they leave to go to another school! I'm so glad you're taking him out, OP. There is nothing character building about leaving him at the mercy of a bunch of spiteful kids who've clearly are being raised by their parents and are being nurtured by the school to be utter little shits.

I am having a very unmumsnetty emotional moment of gratitude to everyone on here. Your support has given me the confidence to take him out, talk to the head about our shoddy experience, I full intend to do that before we go, and to plan some fun things for him.

Making an informed decision feels very different to hoping for the best and taking a leap in the dark. Dh feels the bullying will 'make a man' of him (he is old, and clearly old school) but all I can see is the life blood being crushed out of him before my own eyes.

I am putting a plan together for the summer, roping in everyone I can to help. We are not blessed with lots of support with childcare or anything but we will find a way. We live on the outskirts of London, so not near the midlands but thank you for such kind offers of friendship for my ds!!

Its good to know we are not the only ones too. Everyone here plays their cards very close to their chest.

I feel a hundred per cent better about the decision to take him out (can't wait to see his face when I tell him later, whatever state he will be in I now know I can help him), thank you all she says a little choked

OP,
One thing to consider is how he processes this and understands that this is about the school fostering a bullying and hostile climate - like the cricket team decision - and nothing to do with him.
I'd be very explicit with him that you are taking him out because the school have "modelled" bullying and almost encouraged the children to alienate him - it is not his failure to manage the situation (IYSWIM?) He will need his confidence rebuilding so activities involving non school children would be a bonus in the next weeks? And I'd be emphasising that every Year 7 in the new school is starting afresh - he won't bring any of this with him - it's the school that had the problems, not him, and he'll be fine in establishing new friendships. He needs to heal a bit after this awful situation so everything you can do to boost his self confidence and see himself as a social child, able to manage relationships, will be a bonus?'

OP, you have definitely made the right decision. Your poor boy. I'm all for teaching children resilience but there is also an important life lesson in showing children they do NOT have to put up with shit behaviour from others. Your ds will know his mum stands up for him and you sound like a great mum.

Personally I wouldn't give two fucks what the school might say. I wouldn't even make an excuse about a holiday. Don't say anything. When they call to ask where your ds is, tell them they have failed in their duty of care to protect your son from being bullied and your online reviews of the school will reflect that. And make sure you tell all and sundry about the appalling pastoral care of this school.

Great post @truthisarevolutionaryact I agree.