To pull out ds out of school?

[summerishereatlast]

DS10 attends a very small prep school and is leaving two years early to attend a very good grammar school. We were struggling to pay the fees, and he needs to move. This was a godsend for us.

His friends dropped him as soon as they found out he was leaving, despite the fact they have all been great friends since they were two years old. The last few weeks have been pretty unbearable as he has no one at all to play with anymore, and he is hurt and confused. It has tipped into what I would consider bullying. Making plans to meet him at break, and then hiding to watch him wait alone, and then running off laughing. Whispering in the class, sitting everywhere but next to him deliberately. That sort of thing.

We have had tears every bedtime, school refusal, he has totally lost his smile and I looks very sad all of the time.

He feels very badly let down, devastated that he has lost his oldest friends so quickly and easily, and I don't know how to deal with it. What to make of it.

I do know the parents of the boys well, lunch and coffees, odd dinner party etc over the years type of thing and even they have stopped contacting me, it feels like we have been ostracised.

We have three and a half weeks to go, should I just take him out? Or give him a few days off? He will miss his end of school play, sports day and all the things he was looking forward to before.
Or should I be teaching him to ride it out and get to the end?

So shocked about it all, I did not see this coming at all.

Please advise.

To those suggesting that the op send him to his new school for the last few weeks of term: The ds is finishing year 6. The grammar school will start from year 7 so this won't work
Op, I think you are making a good decision. I'd have loads of fun in the next few weeks but also do some fun educational challenges that will help him stay busy while you are working, eg go to the library and choose books to read, can he learn a new recipe to cook, can he research a topic that interests him and talk about it. The last thing you want is an unhappy and bored child!

The school should have a grievance procedure on website. Put a complaint in writing. Tbh I'm not sure withdrawing him will not draw further attention to him and make him a target at cricket club etc but understand why you feel it necessary to protect his wellbeing. Is there any mileage in him participating in some of the eoy events just to get closure?

DON'T get a sick note. It will make it easy for the school to wriggle out of their responsibilities. If they can't protect your child, then the child can't attend. End of.

I'm so glad to see that you are taking him out OP but so sad to see that your DH considers what is going on as 'character building' - he's a product of 'what was good enough for me.......' I suppose. It isn't, it's soul destroying.

There are lots of things to be learned at school besides ABC's and how to treat people and how to behave when you are treated badly are two of them. Making and losing friends are two more.

It's a vicious world we live in and your boy deserves to be protected from the worst of it if necessary. What a great Mum you are! Not that his Dad isn't but I think he has a bit of empathy to catch up on. I hope you have a wonderful summer.

@EducatingArti

Oh that was me, completely forgot it was Y6-Y7. When I went it was Y4-Y5 so of course it was easier. I hope you figure it out OP, it's a horrible situation to be in, if it were me, I'd pull him out of school and tell them exactly why and mention it to the governors.

The Scottish holidays are starting and the Scottish PGL site has holidays from this weekend. Probably too far for you but thought I'd mention it. It's a great way for a group of kids who don't know each other to meet and learn to mingle.

Name and shame OP - obviously after you have raised Merry hell and escalated the shit out of this. You say he loves cricket - is there a team at the grammar which has dimmer fixtures? Are there any other sports / activities which he likes which you could approach the grammar to get him some mates (albeit in the year above) to pass time with over the 12 weeks? Equally would you feel comfortable explaining what's gone on to his new school and seeing if by chance he could attend a couple of weeks (early - I know) in July (they won't break up until four weeks from now) so he can get his bearings?

I really feel for you, and I think you've made absolutely the right decision by your son. Summer holidays can involve clubs and summer schools depending on where you are - what a treat for your boy. Good luck.

I teach in an independent school and there’s no way we’d allow this to happen without intervention. They will care if you go to the Pastoral Deputy or Head and governors if no joy. Take him out .

Pull him out ..sod the nasty children and their awful snobby parents

Take him out of school for a bit, it won't do any harm. Maybe tell them you're on holiday and go away for a few days when sports day or similar is on.

I think some holiday clubs might be an idea- gives the opportunity to mix with many other children of his age. (After all, you won;t be paying fees next term!) It might be a bit late to change cricket club this year though- I found that school age cricket dried up when term ended.
If you feel strong, it might be worth contacting the Independant Schools Inspectorate or the Prep School Assocaition (IAPS) if they are a member, to express concerns about bullying culture and poor pastoral care. I would however write to the Head saying why you are leaving early ( they are not safeguarding your child) and expressing concern about the bullying behaviour which was allowed to continue despite you raising it as a concern with form teacher and the non existant pastoral support. The dropping to the D team for cricket is just nasty and really is a form of the bullying culture of the school. I would use it as an example to external agencies if you approach them.
Just make sure that you remeber to collect everything of his!!
Oh and if you are approached for helping out other parents in the holiday- you know the answer......

So sorry you've had this experience OP. Does the school you are going to have any online groups for parents of new starters? You might learn more about this if there is an induction day/evening parents meeting, and it might be a good way to organise some get togethers with other DC. Some secondary schools run sports/drama/music events during the summer holidays aimed at the incoming Y7 to help the DC start to build new friendships. I'm sure there will be something like this at a grammar - they will be aware that the DC will be coming from many different schools, and some, like your DS, will be the only one from their previous school.
All the best with whatever you decide to do - hope you have a lovely positive summer.

This happened to the son of a friend of mine. Her son left a prep to go to an 11+ private school and he was bullied by the other boys for leaving the school early. He was actually left with bruises. It is a London school where there is a lot of movement in and out of schools so I'm not sure why the boys even cared that he was leaving.

My friend decided not to say anything (bizarrely), because her son didn't want her to.

There is wall of silence at our school as well, so I can see why your friend choose not to say anything. It is deeply ingrained into most of us not to kick up a fuss or compromise the school.

It is pretty grim that your friend's son was left with bruises, I would be so cross if that happened to my ds.

I will be contacting the head, so that he is aware of the problems we have had. Not to cause trouble, simply to try and make sure things are better for other children in the future.

I have been researching ideas, and plans. He will have forgotten to write his own name after 12 weeks off, so I should have something slightly educational planned beyond lots of minecraft and icecream

Is there no chance of a move to the new school for a transition couple of weeks? I'm moving my dd and school asked if she wanted a few weeks to settle before the end of term so she's not worrying over the summer. She's starting on Monday so will have 3 weeks in the new school to get to know people before summer.

summerishereatlast You asked how to build confidence in children?

One thing you do is talk and reframe the issue with him - not obsessively so that he gets the impression that he only gets attention if he's feeling vulnerable - but by helping him unpick what has happened. Sometimes people (and schools) behave unkindly - and this is what the school has done. They have blamed him for your decisions and of course he wasn't able to withstand their hostility. They were wrong.

He quite rightly wanted to leave school because he understood that the odds were stacked against him. That's a skill in itself. Many children quietly and miserably carry on - he didn't, he told you. That's being assertive.

You described his anger - that's also assertive - he was right to be angry as what happened was not fair. I'd reassure him that at his new school he can be who he wants - it's a fresh start and until this blip - he's made friends easily.

And then I'd get him to focus on the summer and get him out and enjoying as much as possible. And it might be that if he does encounter one or two of his old school friends, outside the toxic school culture they might revert to normal (not suggesting you engineer it, but if it happens...)

Good luck - it's not often that posters are as universally in agreement as they have been on this thread. You've done the right thing.

@anothermansmother if I've understood correctly the new school only starts at y7 so there is no peer group to join. I wonder if any of the state schools sending pupils to the grammar would accommodate him for a month or so. Then at least he could make different friends.

My 10 yr old DS is now on his school holidays here in Ireland and has 10 weeks of holidays. (!) There's a lot of activity camps happening around the country, so maybe book a short break over here and enrol him in something fun.

My DS finishes at the end of this week (England, prep school). I have no worries that he'll forget how to write his own name before September. It's then only 9 weeks before the state schools go back, not 12.

Just have a lovely Summer!

Your poor little boy, I cried reading your post, no child should have to feel that way. I would look into pulling him out of school for the last couple of weeks. Spend time with him and just keep telling him this is not his fault, those kids are not normal to treat him like that. I hope from the bottom of my heart you get things sorted and get your son happy again. I would do anything to make sure my children don't feel so sad.
Kids can be so bloody cruel and i worry about my kids being bullied all the time. I hope his school is everything you hope for and he makes some good lifelong friends x

What a vile bunch. Sounds like he is leaving this school not a moment too soon. To think you were paying for such a poor level of pastoral care is worrying, to say the least. I would definitely be complaining about the lack of concern shown here.

Pull him out, look for interesting activities on offer and let him have a lovely summer. DS was educated abroad and had 13 week summer holidays, he never forgot how to write his name

Sounds like you've done the right thing. A week or two doing PGL or similar might help his confidence, give him time with some new friends, and help with childcare. Locally lots of places do musical theatre camps (if he's into that sort of thing) or sports camps and things that would also be good for him. I have found building up friendships at activities outside of school is a great way to help resilience when issues arise in school.

Sorry to read about your son OP, you're doing the right thing pulling him out. Re occupying him, as well as suggestions of camps, enjoy the summer etc. what about working with him to come up with a few projects he'd like to do? Making an animated movie, learning coding, researching a topic he's interested in, teaching him to cook, day trips to some interesting places etc., learning a language on duolingo, learning to touch type (there are some child friendly websites on this)?

I'd pull him out op.

Whatever their reasons he is on the receiving end isn't he. He must feel awful at the thought of going to school.

To make up for the school play etc I'd plan days out with him and have a ball. You both sound lovely!

Unis are out now, lots of students looking for temporary work before travelling. I know it is stressful interviewing to find the right one but a few weeks with an enthusiastic companion 1 to 1 exploring London sounds just the thing........