To pull out ds out of school?

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DS10 attends a very small prep school and is leaving two years early to attend a very good grammar school. We were struggling to pay the fees, and he needs to move. This was a godsend for us.

His friends dropped him as soon as they found out he was leaving, despite the fact they have all been great friends since they were two years old. The last few weeks have been pretty unbearable as he has no one at all to play with anymore, and he is hurt and confused. It has tipped into what I would consider bullying. Making plans to meet him at break, and then hiding to watch him wait alone, and then running off laughing. Whispering in the class, sitting everywhere but next to him deliberately. That sort of thing.

We have had tears every bedtime, school refusal, he has totally lost his smile and I looks very sad all of the time.

He feels very badly let down, devastated that he has lost his oldest friends so quickly and easily, and I don't know how to deal with it. What to make of it.

I do know the parents of the boys well, lunch and coffees, odd dinner party etc over the years type of thing and even they have stopped contacting me, it feels like we have been ostracised.

We have three and a half weeks to go, should I just take him out? Or give him a few days off? He will miss his end of school play, sports day and all the things he was looking forward to before.
Or should I be teaching him to ride it out and get to the end?

So shocked about it all, I did not see this coming at all.

Please advise.

I'd take him out

The other children sound like spoilt, entitled little shits, that haven't been taught proper mannars or discipline.

Poor mite. Obviously the school is the first port of call, but unfortunately I say ride it out till the end so that there can be proper closure. Hopefully the holidays will brings some perspective

There are some great suggestions on here, thank you. Yes I could take him out, and once I have figured out the childcare issue, I could plan some things for him to do. I would almost say this is an emergency of sorts, so I will try to get some time off.

I dread every evening, and what will happen to him during the day. One boy stole his bag and it was missing for two days. It was the closet I came to absolutely losing it.

I don't think I can change the culture of the school, it is riddled with indifference to the welfare of the dc, and the parents seem to be even worse. I think we just need to leave!!

second involving the governors, if the form teacher has basically admitted there's a culture of this in the school, the governors need to know and address it with the SLT.

Yes they are definitely entitled little shits that much is absolutely true!

It appears that the bullying is much more severe in other classes and in other years, so this is the very bottom end of the spectrum for them.

However, it is having a massive impact on my ds, and the family in general, even if it isn't considered to be that bad by the school. No doubt he has seen much worse. Lots of dc board and the teachers have their work cut out put it that way.

Wow, such awful behaviour from your son’s former friends. I went to a private school and people left all the time, they certainly weren’t ostracised. I would take him out - can you come up with some excuse for the school? Sounds like he needs time at home. Over the summer could you get the friends round one on one for a play or have they been so vile the friendship is finished?

There might be holiday clubs that start earlier.
I would pull them out and go public in a local group.

unfortunately the entitlement will continue throughout life for these little shits

You need to physically make an appointment and go into the school to explain what is happening and ask them what they are going to do about it.

Is there a private school version of ofsted

Unless he's desperate to do the sports day or school play, take him out and make sure you tell the school you are removing him from the school roll, so that there can be no suggestion of truanting. If anyone really wants to know what you will be doing about his education in the next three weeks, tell them you will be home educating. No-one is going to bother to check.

I'd take him out too, having written to the school to tell them why. It's not worth risking his mental health to keep him there for 3 weeks or so. Could you ask the new school about an induction day?

This is such a sad story to hear, hope you can make other arrangements work. Any decent prep school in a grammar area will have children leaving to go to the grammar for year 7, and for that matter may be able to get kids coming in for 7&8 who missed out on the grammar and would benefit from a bit longer in a smaller school. If usually oversubscribed then I would have thought they could fill any leavers' places. My eldest was at a prep that regularly lost to the grammars - her year they decided to do year 6 hoodies so they could all have one, then did leavers hoodies in year 8 as well. My son's school - not in a grammar area - still lost to a local senior school at year 7, but there was no ostracism and again, others filled the spaces.

The attitude of the parents responsible for this is awful. The lack of concern of the teachers to manage it appropriately, ditto.

Take him out. No question. I did and I wish I had done it earlier. Poor child.

I left a private school to go to a grammar in year 9 (we relocated) but had a lovely finish to my time there, I'm so sorry your experience hasn't been the same and as other PPs have said your experience doesn't seem like the norm. There were definitely some well off people at the grammar I went to but the general ethos seemed much less entitled and I found friends that I got on so much better with. Always issues at the private school with such differing levels of privilege, there was one girl that essentially bought her friends with pool parties and Katie Perry tickets.... This kind of thing happened far less. And you might find that (assuming the grammar is bigger) with there being more kids it's easier for your DS to find friends. And joining in year 7 he definitely won't be by himself, there'll be plenty of kids joining with no one else from their schools. In short, I really hope you sort this out and I don't have much advice for that just wanted to let you know that it will get better.

I would just ask him if he wants to leave now. If he does just pull him out, if they query your action just tell them you don't trust them, you fear for his emotional well being whilst in their care.

Oh god - just pull him out - now - please!

I have been in a situation where a child of mine was being bullied in this way and her distress was unbearable for us all. Your child's mental health trumps a couple of weeks in a school that clearly does not give a toss. Get him out of there - his only protection in this ghastly situation is you.

Take him out! I’m all for teaching your kids tenacity and perseverance and not letting others win but it’s 3 weeks, leave the vile little kids to themselves!

I'd pull him out if school aren't willing to help. His mental health is more important than a few weeks of school when they're winding down anyway.

My daughter was snubbed by her really close friend and others in year 6. She missed loads of school as i just couldn't get her there, we had the anger too. She was grieving for her friend. Your son probably is too.
Her teacher though was brilliant and actually councelled her when she cut down her eating.
If they hadn't I would have pulled her out.

Just wading in as another supporter of taking him out, but the head would be getting an earful from me at the same time, where about in the country are you? I think if this sort of culture is embedded in the school you should make it known before any more children suffer.

Just seen your update, dealing with the school isnt worth your time or emotional energy.

Pull him out asap and have a long chat with him about how sometimes you stay and muscle through, but sometimes things are so toxic that it is better to leave and save yourself to fight another day.

I am going to pull him out. Thanks all.

I will email the head and say we are going on holiday earlier than expected, usually a parent would need written permission, but I don't suppose they will really care.

I had hoped we would be able to leave with our happier memories in tact, however this has cast a horrid shadow on his school experience, and the school in general, and we are now in the area damage limitation.

I wondered whether I was being too 'soft' letting him stay at home, and maybe staying on would be character building, resilience etc. But all he is learning right now is how little people actually care for him.

I have heard worse stories of how parents, as well as children, were treated by private preps when they decided to take up 11+ places. Prep Schools seem to consider there is a moral duty for parents to stick it out to 13+, and obviously it is in their economic interest to not have half empty classes in Year 7 and 8. There seems to be no appreciation that it might be in the interests of the child / family, and that that should be the moral imperative. Personally I think it is a pretty daft system that sees sometimes very hairy 14 year old manchildren straining with hormones still wearing a twee striped blazer and constrained by an environment meant for children. But that is the tradition. Thank goodness I had DDs for whom a move at 11 is more accepted as the norm. It is an outdated system but rooted in tradition.

I would be glad you have not been threatened with legal action, or told you are a terrible parent and your son excluded from every team, drama production etc. (all have happened to friends). It is highly unlikely you will get much response from a school where resentment of your decision is institutionalised. They may well be bristling with indignation that you have even raised this as an issue, and consider it the least you should expect. By all means try to get a response but I would take him out if that is what it takes to remove him from what is clearly a toxic environment. As to the parents perhaps you have hit a nerve in terms of the decision they have taken for their children? Or they are just snobs and deciding on a state school puts you beyond the pail.....

i would escalate the shit out of this, school are failing in their duty of care to your son. does normal contract law apply to private schools? because they are not providing the service you are paying for. I would contact the head in writing, say you have gravest concerns that school are not following their own anti bullying policy (they will have one, find it on the website), are failing in their duty of care to your son, and have pretty much admitted that there is a culture of bullying which they are unwilling or unable to tackle. I would inform them that I would be taking him out if this was not addressed with utmost urgency, and i would be seeking a partial refund of this term's fees plus compensation for loss of earnings for unpaid time off work to provide the care for your son that they are currently failing to. i would threaten them with complaints to the governors, online reviews and the press.your relationship is ending with them, you can go into full hypercunt mode on them and it matters not a jot. i'd become their absolute worst nightmare.

i'd email the head and tell him exactly why you son will be leaving - seriously it isn't on.

Letting him leave is the right thing to do - or as an adult you believe that people can trample all over you and you have to put up with it. BUT for your own peace of mind please tell them that this behaviour and the lack of staff intervention is NOT acceptable.

I had similar with DS1 who is now 26. Pulling him out aged 13 was our best ever decision.