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Original poster

In Law issues... am I being too sensitive?

283 replies

Peppergold · 25/06/2019 11:09

Can you please offer me some advice.

DD is 14 months old and MIL asked to look after her on Saturday. BIL and SIL (DH's brothers wife) live with PIL but we have always made clear that when she's there it is PIL who are caring for her.

So in the morning SIL text me to ask what time we would be dropping DD off. I didn't message back as it's nothing to do with her. We had made arrangements with PIL that we would bring her round after her morning nap. We were then quizzed when we got there as to why I hadn't replied.

We came to pick DD up in the evening and it turned out that BIL and SIL had took DD out with them to meet some friends who have a child a similar age. They had no right to do this and I am really disappointed in PIL for going along with it.

On its own maybe it is childish of me to feel this way but none of them respect me as DD's Mum and SIL is too pushy. She has to involve her self in everything and I can't stand it. If I send MIL a photo of DD SIL tells MIL to forward it to her. I'm regularly told that I need to let SIL be more involved but I don't feel able to do this because I feel smothered.

At Christmas BIL and SIL bought PIL a calendar that had a photo of DD on for each month. Photos of DD with everyone but me! And a mug for MIL with "Grandma" on it surely this is stuff me and DH should buy, not SIL. She is constantly posting stuff about DD and picture online, if we all go out she obsesses over pushing the pram.

SIL interfered in the christening and then got pissed off when I wouldn't involve her in 1st birthday party. MIL and SIL seem to gang up on me yet they regularly talk behind each other's backs.

It just feels like they overstep the mark but no one sees it. So they tell me she's just being friendly etc. I don't know what to do about it, but it's making me feel upset and pushed into a corner.

Sorry it's so long.

OP posts:
Jemima232 · 25/06/2019 11:12

Have you got any safety concerns regarding SIL?

If not, I would stop with the drama and let it go. At least your DH's family are keen to have a relationship with your DD.

pinkyredrose · 25/06/2019 11:13

She's OTT. Can't believe the calendar with pics of everyone except you, she was def making a point that you're not important to her.

Does she want her own baby and is pouncing on yours. Is ask her exactly what her problem is.

MyOpinionIsValid · 25/06/2019 11:16

Was the child in danger? No ? Ok then.

Snowfalling · 25/06/2019 11:16

Yanbu, if you had a good relationship with sil, things would be different. But she seems to want to parent your dd while sidestepping YOU. This is disrespectful in the extreme. Refuse to engage with sil and tell mil why dd won't be left with her in the future.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/06/2019 11:16

Why are you so anti them looking after your DD? Do you have genuine safety concerns, or is this an ongoing spat with your SIL? You seem to really dislike her but I"m not sure why.

Happyspud · 25/06/2019 11:17

There has to be a big back story here. Sounds like your SIL is thrilled to be an auntie and you’re trying your best to show her she isn’t involved or wanted or needed. Hard to say who is being the asshole here to be honest.

Bananacloud · 25/06/2019 11:18

Get over yourself op

MadameButterface · 25/06/2019 11:18

If you don’t like or trust how they are with your dd, just visit them with her

No one else knows or can say for sure but you are not obliged to leave your dc with anyone if you don’t want

Hairwizard · 25/06/2019 11:18

I have same with my sil. She ended up organising my FIRSTBORNS christening and it still bothers me now that she did it. I had to be underhanded and sort dds one last year before we even told them the date. Will be doing same this time with the twins

Original poster
Peppergold · 25/06/2019 11:21

@Jemima232 I haven’t got any safety concerns in that she’s a bad person, but I just don’t know her very well so it feels odd to be pushed into letting her have so much say about my DD.

@pinkyredrose & @Snowfalling I think you have both managed to sum up better than me why I feel like this! She has never been interested in me or DH so it’s seems weird to be so over the top with DD. It’s not like she’s DH’s sister - we hardly know her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peppergold · 25/06/2019 11:24

@Happyspud No she was more than made welcome. She visited me in hospital after the birth etc. If anything I’m only trying to keep my distance from her now because she’s just gone too full on. Perhaps I should have kept her at a distance in the beginning then this wouldn’t have happened. She is always pushing.

OP posts:
UserUndone · 25/06/2019 11:24

I wouldn't like that either, it's extremely disrespectful. I wouldn't be leaving my DD there without me ever again.

checkeredredshorts · 25/06/2019 11:25

I can't tell who is being unreasonable here. Is there more to the story?

Ok she has done some annoying and OTT things that she shouldn't have but Is she just overbearing? Or do you do you deliberately push her out and do your best to make sure she isn't involved in anything just to make a point? So she feels the need to DO more to be involved.

Is there a reason you don't want her to be involved in spending time with your kid? Or have you just got your knickers in a twist because she gets on your nerves?

If there is no real reason to push her out then why
Not just let it go and unclench? If there is more to it what is it?

DM1209 · 25/06/2019 11:27

Your SIL messaged to ask what time you were dropping your child off and you ignored her because it's nothing to do with her!? What are you, 8? It is something to do with her seeing as your daughter is being looked after in what is your SIL's home and she clearly takes an active interest in your child meaning your baby feels loved, welcomed and special.
As others have asked, are there safety concerns regarding your SIL? Are we missing a huge upcoming drip feed? If not then yes you are being unreasonable and petty to boot. Your thought pattern comes across as very negative towards your SIL who just seems to get on with your MIL and wants to be a good aunt to her niece. You could I don't know, talk to her!? As shocking as this suggestion seems! Perhaps you both need to just communicate rather than making assumptions regarding intent.

Beyond that, you need to stop being so sensitive and look at the bigger picture, your baby is being loved and well cared for. If it is proving that much of an issue, don't send her there and pay for your childcare instead.

newmomof1 · 25/06/2019 11:27

It seems strange that MiL specifically asked to look after her then let BiL and his wife take her out.
I do think they should tell you if any of them are taking her out, so you're aware of where she is and who she's with.

Your SiL seems weird... is she desperate for a baby?

Original poster
Peppergold · 25/06/2019 11:31

@newmomof1 Yea we thought it was odd too. DH asked MIL who said she didn’t want to say no and upset SIL? FIL had said he didn’t think it was right without asking me/DH but they did it anyway. PIL didn’t even know where they’d been to meet up with the friends.

OP posts:
Idontwanttotalk · 25/06/2019 11:33

You say you made it clear that PIL are the ones looking after your DD when she is there, but who have you made it clear to? Have you just told PIL and given them the responsibility for policing your wishes or have you actually told BIL & SIL?

Why aren't they allowed to help look after her? Seems a bit daft as they live there too.

I would , however, be pretty mad about them putting the calendar together from pics of your DD. That's for you to do.....however, you didn't do it. As for the Grandma mug, words fail me. That is definitely BIL &SIL overstepping boundaries. Why would they do this? Is it just because they know you aren't the sort of person to do these things that GPs love?

I would have to speak to BIL (or get DH to speak to his DB) and explain these things are for you and DH to do for GP and kindly ask them not to overstep boundaries in future. They can do it themselves when they have their own kids.

If they won't toe the line then I wouldn't go there for visits. Let them visit in your own home where you have more control over what goes on.

Original poster
Peppergold · 25/06/2019 11:34

@DM1209 I have tried to involve her but it’s never good enough. If anything, she just thinks it gives her a right to yet more involvement and interference. DD doesn’t go to MIL for childcare, it was a weekend and MIL had asked to look after her!

OP posts:
Original poster
Peppergold · 25/06/2019 11:41

@Idontwanttotalk No, it’s been said in front of everyone that we only want MIL to change DDs nappy & for only PIL to be the ones to feed her etc. Otherwise it used to be all 4 of them competing with each other to help her with her spoon etc. I don’t mean they’re not allowed to play with her with toys and stuff. We have done personalised stuff for PIL, but SIL seems want to do her version.

OP posts:
DM1209 · 25/06/2019 11:47

@Peppergold, you sound really, really unreasonable. It is attitudes such as yours that create animosity and divides within families. You are still to give a single tangible reason as to why you have such issues with your SIL, your poor husband being stuck in the middle of THIS.
You have said there are no safety issues or anything and still your announcing that ONLY PIL can change and feed her. How odd.

You sound really precious where your child is concerned and believe me, it won't end well. If you SIL ends up having a baby (medical issues or not withstanding) then your attitude with your child will be highlighted even more so and while everyone else is happy celebrating, you'll be miserable in the corner because surely she's only had this (faux) baby to get at you and steal your child's thunder. HmmHmm

DM1209 · 25/06/2019 11:47

You're**

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/06/2019 11:50

it’s been said in front of everyone that we only want MIL to change DDs nappy & for only PIL to be the ones to feed her etc

That's sounds like a blatant snub for your BIL and SIL. Did you give a reason?

Why not just be happy that everyone is interested, engaged and wants to help out with your DD? Why is it all about a competition of who is in charge? You are DD's mother, no-one can change that.

Otherwise it used to be all 4 of them competing with each other to help her with her spoon etc bloody hell, a family that wants to spend time helping your child?

Digestive28 · 25/06/2019 11:51

Why can only MIL change a nappy?

Gustavo1 · 25/06/2019 11:53

I can see your point on the gifts and things. SIL does seem to be injecting herself there. I don’t really know what you could do about it though. It’s odd behaviour but it doesn’t seem malicious. Other than leaving you out obviously.
As for the babysitting, it seems a bit unreasonable not to want SIL involved. She’s there and happy to help so unless she is irresponsible in some way then it seems almost spiteful to remove her from the dynamic.

HypatiaCade · 25/06/2019 11:55

Why should the poor husband be stuck in the middle, this isn't his sister! Its her husband's brother's wife/partner.

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