In Law issues... am I being too sensitive?

[Peppergold]

Can you please offer me some advice.

DD is 14 months old and MIL asked to look after her on Saturday. BIL and SIL (DH's brothers wife) live with PIL but we have always made clear that when she's there it is PIL who are caring for her.

So in the morning SIL text me to ask what time we would be dropping DD off. I didn't message back as it's nothing to do with her. We had made arrangements with PIL that we would bring her round after her morning nap. We were then quizzed when we got there as to why I hadn't replied.

We came to pick DD up in the evening and it turned out that BIL and SIL had took DD out with them to meet some friends who have a child a similar age. They had no right to do this and I am really disappointed in PIL for going along with it.

On its own maybe it is childish of me to feel this way but none of them respect me as DD's Mum and SIL is too pushy. She has to involve her self in everything and I can't stand it. If I send MIL a photo of DD SIL tells MIL to forward it to her. I'm regularly told that I need to let SIL be more involved but I don't feel able to do this because I feel smothered.

At Christmas BIL and SIL bought PIL a calendar that had a photo of DD on for each month. Photos of DD with everyone but me! And a mug for MIL with "Grandma" on it surely this is stuff me and DH should buy, not SIL. She is constantly posting stuff about DD and picture online, if we all go out she obsesses over pushing the pram.

SIL interfered in the christening and then got pissed off when I wouldn't involve her in 1st birthday party. MIL and SIL seem to gang up on me yet they regularly talk behind each other's backs.

It just feels like they overstep the mark but no one sees it. So they tell me she's just being friendly etc. I don't know what to do about it, but it's making me feel upset and pushed into a corner.

Sorry it's so long.

@weleasewoderick22 Exactly, it’s not a free for all to change a child’s nappy. If a Mum didn’t want me to change her child’s nappy that would be fine for me! I wouldn’t then try to do it just to prove a point? This is what happened in the past and why we then said for everyone to hear why MIL was the only one to do it going forward.

But supposing your PIL took your DD out without your knowledge?

Would that give you cause for concern?

@weleasewoderick22

Grooming? Are you serious?

Thedevondumpling The sil and BIL took the child out with their friends that the OP doesn't know. How is that ok?

There is nothing worse than having a child who is truly loved and doted on by family. I despair.

I am perfectly serious Jemima, I have known this to happen and the woman concerned is still in prison.

BIL and especially SIL clearly have some boundary issues. However I think given your comments that MIL and SIL gang up on you, you were naive not to predict that MIL wouldn't respect your boundaries and wouldn't let SIL muscle in on her time with your daughter. Where does your husband stand on all this? I think you are well within your rights to stand your ground and assert some boundaries tbh. The calendar thing etc are over stepping the mark, a polite but firm "don't you think that it would be more appropriate to leave that sort of thing to us to sort?" or similar....

I think she wants to exclude us.

This is getting even creepier. Op please trust your instinct here.

If this was a BIL married to your DSis everyone would be telling you to be wary of what his intentions were etc.

Fucking hell soe of yuou are mad as hatters.

• the child is 14 months old
• the parent is not being aasked permission to take her child out/to see strangers
• the parent is not being told where her child is, she is being lied to
• posters here are telling here she should be grateful her child is being taken out and about under subterfuge

What planet do some of you live on?

You grill OP as to why she doesn't like her SIL but don't question a woman taking someone elses 14 month child out and about without the parent knowing.

Some of you need to have serious rethink about your reasons for posting.

Pepper Your DH needs to tell his family that HE is not happy at his child being treated like a toy and that unaccompanied visits will stop.

You said he thinks it is strange so he should have no problem telling his parents that he feels his SIL is acting in a very disrespectful manner and he won't allow it to continue.

@MsSquiz But at least it’s your husbands sister. Neither of us know SIL well. And people saying about she just wants to be involved etc, but not when we are there. BIL has come over to see DD but SIL only seems interested if I’m not there (and perhaps DH) too.

I agree with you Teddy, this IS creepy. I would be very suspicious of someone showing an unhealthy interest in my baby to the exclusion of the mother.

We came to pick DD up in the evening and it turned out that BIL and SIL had took DD out with them to meet some friends who have a child a similar age.

So hang on: someone you know slightly (and who has been being curiously proprietorial about your child) took your 14-month-old child off to spend time with people you have never met at all? Without your knowledge or consent -- and you would not have given your consent if asked, and they knew it?

YANBU. I would have been spitting tin-tacks if anyone had done that with one of my children, and I would definitely have taken steps to ensure that it never happened again.

i'd be wary of alot of sil's behaviour to be honest, i take it she and bil do not have dc of their own, and she is projecting onto your dd.
wouldn't be at all happy about that tbh.

@deste Thanks for such an amazing insight!

@weleasewoderick22 Yes, why was SIL so bothered about taking DD out? That’s what I don’t get. She knows I am not keen on her being overly involved yet just keeps pushing!

@teddywantscake Thank you. And thank you for understanding how I’m feeling. People can think I’m wrong, that’s fine. But making me feel like I’m losing it or a bad person is very upsetting.

@CuriousaboutSamphire Thank you for being supportive. I am going to talk to DH about it again and see if he will speak with them all.

@RoseAdagio Well they only seem to hang up on me with regards to DD. They don’t even get on especially well with each other. But obviously with them living together they both push for DD to spend more time there so they both want the same thing.

Please go with your gut on this OP. She's your child and you are rightly concerned and your PIL are out of order too.

Fuck everyone else!

@weleasewoderick22 Thank you. It does make me feel very uncomfortable. It’s not one thing to pinpoint - just lots of things that make me uneasy.

I think that YANBU Op.

What a coincidence that the one day ILs ask to have your daughter for the day, she is taken out by BIL & SIL.

Buy them a doll to pass around amongst themselves!

As an aunt of several young nieces and nephews (under four) I have absolutely no wish to see them without their parents present - I am equally capable of playing with them etc with the parents there. When they are older it might be nice to have them for a weekend but at the moment it would seem odd (unless parents wanted help with babysitting). It doesn't mean the children are not loved and part of the family.

I would have been raging that your PIL let her go with SIL/BIL to goodness knows where with goodness knows who.

Make it clear to PIL that if you leave DD in their care, she's in their care. She doesn't go with SIL, or anyone else, without you knowing about it and agreeing to it.

A comment on how unhappy you're getting about SIL's pushiness with the baby also wouldn't go amiss.

And I would sound out your DH about having a word with his brother, along the lines of - it's nice that SIL cares about DD but given that we hardly know her and she's made little effort to get to know us as people, it's too much. She needs to back off and she needs to come through us and check with us if she wants to do stuff with DD, or we are going to fall out. It's not ok to take her off for the afternoon when we think she's with PIL. We'd also like it if the social media posts could calm down a bit.

I can see why you are annoyed/upset I woudl be too....
I think would say to PIL that if they want to see DD then they have to come to yours... no way would i be dropping my 14mth yr old off where I dont know whats going to happen!

they didnt want to piss her off about you not replying - so didnt even though they knew it was wrong... Sod that, you can have what boundaries you like - would give me the right creeps if you have no relationship with her before....

YANBU being being upset if they purposely hid from you that BIL/SIL would be taking your child out. But it is blatantly obvious from your posts your strange, extreme and mostly unwarranted behaviour towards your SIL is what has resulted in this situation.

Oh and you're not being too sensitive. It's very difficult to put one's finger on this kind of stuff, but you need to send some very clear BACK OFF messages. No MIL I'm fine sending it to just you, DD's grandma, thanks, SIL doesn't need to be able to track every single photo thanks. No, I don't want you to let SIL take her out of your house if you're looking after DD, I am astonished she didn't have enough respect for me and DH to ask us and that has really surprised us both. No, we'd rather spend the day out with you PIL, it would be nice for DD to see you without so much smothering. No pictures of me with DD? That could certainly be taken the wrong way SIL. Etc.

I don't agree broken. The op has said that, before the baby, the SIL was invited round with her husband but didn't want to know. Now, suddenly, she's full on with the baby.

How is that the op's fault? Even if the dynamic between the adults is odd, that doesn't mean the SIL can override the mother.

Yabu.

Grooming? FFS!

@weleasewoderick22 & @diddl Yes my gut feeling says something isn’t right. I just don’t know if she’s trying too hard and I’m being harsh on her. But then she is too much.

@HiJuice Exactly, why couldn’t she just spend time with DD at the house. Why make arrangements to take my DD to meet friends? Overstepping the boundaries.

@FizzyGreenWater She quite often posts photos of DD online that I have sent MIL, so she’s not even been there when the photo was taken!

@averythinline Thank you! I didn’t expect people to say I was right but have been surprised how many posters think I should just go along with whatever SIL wants and that my feelings don’t count.

@BrokenWing The only reason I have pulled back is because SIL behaviour has made me uncomfortable.

disrespectful

Blimey OP you sound as though you expect your SIL to curtsey when you waft into the room borne aloft by your rose scented farts.