In Law issues... am I being too sensitive?

[Peppergold]

Can you please offer me some advice.

DD is 14 months old and MIL asked to look after her on Saturday. BIL and SIL (DH's brothers wife) live with PIL but we have always made clear that when she's there it is PIL who are caring for her.

So in the morning SIL text me to ask what time we would be dropping DD off. I didn't message back as it's nothing to do with her. We had made arrangements with PIL that we would bring her round after her morning nap. We were then quizzed when we got there as to why I hadn't replied.

We came to pick DD up in the evening and it turned out that BIL and SIL had took DD out with them to meet some friends who have a child a similar age. They had no right to do this and I am really disappointed in PIL for going along with it.

On its own maybe it is childish of me to feel this way but none of them respect me as DD's Mum and SIL is too pushy. She has to involve her self in everything and I can't stand it. If I send MIL a photo of DD SIL tells MIL to forward it to her. I'm regularly told that I need to let SIL be more involved but I don't feel able to do this because I feel smothered.

At Christmas BIL and SIL bought PIL a calendar that had a photo of DD on for each month. Photos of DD with everyone but me! And a mug for MIL with "Grandma" on it surely this is stuff me and DH should buy, not SIL. She is constantly posting stuff about DD and picture online, if we all go out she obsesses over pushing the pram.

SIL interfered in the christening and then got pissed off when I wouldn't involve her in 1st birthday party. MIL and SIL seem to gang up on me yet they regularly talk behind each other's backs.

It just feels like they overstep the mark but no one sees it. So they tell me she's just being friendly etc. I don't know what to do about it, but it's making me feel upset and pushed into a corner.

Sorry it's so long.

I am not sure the cat she is part of the family is giving the SIL the rigth to look after the OP's child AGAINST her wishes.
That, in itself, would make me retreat even more.

IF the SIL had been upset at th fact they arent allowed to feed her with no explanaton but ad respected the OP's boundaries, then it woud have been different.

There is also the issue that PIL have basicaly sided with SIL. Do you think you an trust them now @Peppergold?

And what is your DH thinking?

I think you need to come up with something that works for both of you, have yur DH tell PIL and SIL about your boundaries and stck to it.

@thedevondumpling Because it’s not just the taking DD out. It’s all the other little things that add up. If it makes me uncomfortable or upset how is that ok? Why are SIL wants or feelings more important than my own? Especially when it concerns my DD.

Thankyou pepper, I was getting ranty on your behalf!

It's not really relevant whether the op likes or dislikes the SIL. The whole family have overstepped boundaries, why can't pp see that?

FFS you'd think we were living in the 1900s, that women have to be nice, have to give reasons and explain why they don't want to do something.

NO, I DON'T WANT TO, that's the reason. Honestly, before I joined Mumsnet I never believed female socialisation was such a 'thing', that women can't just say No and have that respected.

Sounds to me like maybe she wants a child herself, so is getting carried away with pushing herself forward with your child. Probably no malice in it from her, she just isn't thinking how it may make you feel or that the child is yours and back off a bit.

Speaking from the perspective of the SIL I agree with this. And it sounds like everyone is very excited because your baby is the first grandchild/niece.

Would you consider organising time for just you, DD and SIL to spend together in order to get to know each other better and try to remove some of the barriers? As your DD gets older your SIL could be a great auntie to your DD. If you really really don't like each other please ignore me.

@ComeAndDance I have tried to be accommodating but she just keeps pushing. So we have no ended up in this situation where I feel uncomfortable so she just carries on trying to pressure me or the situation!

If someone said to me that they didn’t want me to feed their baby or change nappies then fine! I wouldn’t want to do it even more just to prove that I can!

Is it really the worst thing to have more people who adore your child?

@NurseButtercup We did try at the beginning, but that mostly consisted of SIL ignoring me to take pictures of DD, or sit scrolling through her phone. She only makes a little bit more effort to me and DH when PIL are there.

Juells Well said!

I see that feminism on MN is very selective!

Remove the fact that they are family. If I left my baby with person A who then handed them over to person B, who then took them somewhere that no-one knew. Then I would be going ballistic.

@Nixen No, as long as they respect my boundaries and don’t try and push/manipulate situations to make me do things I’m not comfortable with.

I've read the whole thread now - hhhmmmm ... what are the statistics about children being abducted, hurt, killed etc by people who know them - it's well into the 90% bracket - so those people harping on about 'it's her Aunty, bollocks - let's have some wider thinking and reasoning here!! I'm sure she's fine, but calendars, mugs, taking a child out without checking first, social media - what are her safety parameters on SM? Who was she meeting, where, are they even capable of looking after a child (eg my brother, he's lovely, clever, he's a doctor, consultant in fact for many years - so very competent at a lot of things .... BUT I'd NEVER let him look after my children as he doesn't have a clue, literally not a clue ... he doesn't ask though thankfully!)

Ref SIL texting 'what time are you coming over' if it happens again @Peppergold just be clear that she's being looked after my your ILs not her and she's not to take your child out
Also with photos on SM tell her to take them down unless she's asked first

@flumpybear It became clear afterwards that she wanted to know what time as she was making arrangements to meet the friends.

YANBU.

@Peppergold - two things, firstly, uae thst as a learning g curve, she seems to want to put things under your nose like that but about her texting you about the nice picture you sent MIL - next time say 'yes, now make sure you don't put that one on social media please, and take the others down too ... or such like

Also - if she sends a text that's a bit cryptic like that one about the time, question her about it - why do you need to know? I hope you're not planning on stealing my baby again like last time, Or 'were your text is a bit cryptic - what's going on behind my back ?

Etc ... saying that, firstly I'd ask my DH to talk frankly to his DB about boundaries

The fact the child was away at unconfirmed location without the parents' knowledge is a deal breaker. I can see how it happens (MIL would trust her son, etc.). However it doesn't mean it is okay to do.

I could read that some posters minimise safeguarding worries raised on the thread, I want to say that, yes indeed, there are more good people in the world than bad ones, but one of my uncles was as I grew up / is a pedophile. I don't want to get in the details of it but these people do exist and if the OP is not feeling quite right about things, so be it. She is not talking of taking away the child from supervised playdates. She is talking about providing supervised only access rather than unsupervised access.

So YANBU.

@Juells & @weleasewoderick22 Thank you!! I shouldn’t be made to feel like a bad person for thinking that my feelings matter. SIL obviously doesn’t care about my feelings yet some posters think I should bend over backwards so that everything is done how she wants!

@justasking111 thank you. And just because she is married to BIL doesn’t mean I know her well. I know some of DH cousins better and they don’t overstep.

You are definitely NBU - as you said @Peppergold, you have your own feelings and instincts - why should they be invalidated?

It sounds to be like your SIL is very pushy, and to the point where it seems your PILs can't stand up to her. How well do you get on with your PILs without SIL around? Will they always defer to her, do you think?

For what it's worth, I would be spitting bricks if I'd given my 14 month baby to someone to look after, and they'd then let someone else (who I'd specifically asked NOT to look after) take them out without my knowledge or consent, to see people who I'd never met. At the very very LEAST, PIL should have phoned you and said "SIL wants to take DGD to see XX - is this ok with you?"

Totally understand how you feel, OP, you are NOT unhinged, and you have every right to feel this way.

The whole posting on social media thing is a whole different kettle of fish - I would bring her up on that IMMEDIATELY, especially as her privacy settings might not be particularly secure. I would NEVER post an image of anyone else's child without checking with the parent first. It's just not done.

The whole thing is strange. Follow your gut. You have it for a reason.

Have you tried actually speaking to sil? Try to have a conversation with her about her pushyness, about how she takes over.

Mention all that in your op, and then say something like "do you see that that comes across as pushy? It's off putting snd upsetting. Could you dial it down a bit? I'd like to be friends and the more people whom dd grows up with the better, but really, try to step back a bit and remember I'm her mum!"

I'm so on the fence on this one my bum's got splinters.

One one hand, I completely am on your side over the overt sudden interest and the clear attempts to undermine you. That is what they are. Taking the child without permission - it would be the last time they ever saw the child unsupervised again. Seriously.

On the other hand, your actual solutions to these problems are not really attempting to keep your child safe so much as they are to put SIL in her place. If you feel she's not safe at her MILs, then stop taking her there. Your MIL can visit you or you can do stuff together. If you don't wan't someone changing your child's nappy, why are you leaving your child there at all? You are annoyed about lots of random things that don't matter that make you sound competitive rather than concerned.

If you really have a gut feeling of concern on this issue, then I would stop sending your daughter to your MIL alone. I would stop trying to argue with your SIL and just protect your child. I wouldn't bother trying to reset the family dynamic or tell grown adults what to do. You're the parent. So parent!

I think the SIL is over bearing considering the op and her are by no means close.OP I think its your SIL who needs to tone it down a bit, why would you not want much to do with brother and sister in law but ant loads of access to their child, seems weird to me.
If you were quite close to them and then reacted like this maybe your reaction would be strange but it certainly isnt a strange reaction considering they have little or no interest in you both as her parents.

TBH, SIL's secretive, grabby attitude with the baby would set off alarm bells for me too. It's manipulative to an extent that's way over the top and YANBU.

@Peppergold
@awesomeaircraft Also agree with this. PIL were very wrong to go behind our backs. They just want everyone to get along so they say just say what people want to hear. I think they hoped we wouldn’t find out tbh.

@Imaysnapandfart No they don’t always defer to her as such. But they said at the start that I should let SIL be as involved as possible because they didn’t want her to feel left out. Which is fine, but they all seem happy to leave me out! It’s ridiculous.

@Jux Yes I have. The first time I brought it up to her was when we’d been at a family party and she waited until I was in a different room then asked one of DH cousins to take a picture of her, BIL, PIL, DH & DD. Obviously SIL was holding DD! When DH said they should wait until I was there to be in the photo SIL got uppity but thankfully DH and his cousin stood their ground and waited for me to get back. She regularly spends more time trying to get a good photo with DD than talking to the rest of us.

Why would we want someone that we hardly know changing doing personal care for DD when her grandparents are there and perfectly capable?

This person isn't some random stranger, she's your BIL's wife, and for all that you haven't seen her often she does seem to have been on the scene for a long time. Maybe the grandparents would like the occasional break from the delights of changing nappies?

If or when your child goes to nursery, she will have people you hardly know changing nappies or helping her in the toilets. How are you going to cope with that?

Is SIL childless?