In Law issues... am I being too sensitive?

[Peppergold]

Can you please offer me some advice.

DD is 14 months old and MIL asked to look after her on Saturday. BIL and SIL (DH's brothers wife) live with PIL but we have always made clear that when she's there it is PIL who are caring for her.

So in the morning SIL text me to ask what time we would be dropping DD off. I didn't message back as it's nothing to do with her. We had made arrangements with PIL that we would bring her round after her morning nap. We were then quizzed when we got there as to why I hadn't replied.

We came to pick DD up in the evening and it turned out that BIL and SIL had took DD out with them to meet some friends who have a child a similar age. They had no right to do this and I am really disappointed in PIL for going along with it.

On its own maybe it is childish of me to feel this way but none of them respect me as DD's Mum and SIL is too pushy. She has to involve her self in everything and I can't stand it. If I send MIL a photo of DD SIL tells MIL to forward it to her. I'm regularly told that I need to let SIL be more involved but I don't feel able to do this because I feel smothered.

At Christmas BIL and SIL bought PIL a calendar that had a photo of DD on for each month. Photos of DD with everyone but me! And a mug for MIL with "Grandma" on it surely this is stuff me and DH should buy, not SIL. She is constantly posting stuff about DD and picture online, if we all go out she obsesses over pushing the pram.

SIL interfered in the christening and then got pissed off when I wouldn't involve her in 1st birthday party. MIL and SIL seem to gang up on me yet they regularly talk behind each other's backs.

It just feels like they overstep the mark but no one sees it. So they tell me she's just being friendly etc. I don't know what to do about it, but it's making me feel upset and pushed into a corner.

Sorry it's so long.

@Peppergold - I’d echo what others have said about trusting your gut instinct & don’t give in to politeness or politics- when things don’t feel right they rarely are unfortunately

If you don’t want pictures of your DD in social media then report them to the host (Eg Facebook) & they’ll remove them

Re her visiting you in hospital - our hospital had a grandparents and spouse only policy - hopefully yours does if not make it up!

it’s made me wonder if MIL likes being the one to give SIL the “opportunity” of looking after DD
Of course she is - she told you as much right at the start with the 'involve sil/don't make her feel left out' comment.
MIL can assert herself with sil (pushing pram etc) when she wants to, and she chooses to let sil run amok when your dc is there.

why is she so invested in DD when she doesn’t even like me or DH?!
Your dc is a tool for her to use to get at you. She's an insecure, jealous, immature and nasty person.
she will always be like this.
SIl is using your dc to play out her own fantasy of being a mum and to one-up you in any way she can.

I know for a fact that she wouldn’t want me involved with her children if she has them
This is what you should repeat to them ad infinitum whenever they start on you.

Her and MIL would love to make every decision for us and for DD
This is what it comes down to - control.
MIL is using sil to challenge your boundaries and choosing not to support you in it.
Either you give in -and she/they win.
Or you give consequences, if they affect her she'll play victim and openly 'side' with sil against you.
She can 'control' you without getting her own hands dirty.

She's even got you feeling sorry for her instead of seeing through her games.

At least you and dh are on the same page because that makes it a hell of a lot easier to deal with sly shit like this.

You ntell the midwives that you have some pushy relatives so you only want to see X and Y, and could they turn others away? Then they can grab them before they even get onto the ward....

I think it's nice that she wants to be involved. Surely your child would have enjoyed a play date with another child? I think you are being a bit mean. i do think the calendar thing was a weird thing for her to do though!

Your dc is a tool for her to use to get at you. She's an insecure, jealous, immature and nasty person.
she will always be like this.
SIl is using your dc to play out her own fantasy of being a mum and to one-up you in any way she can.

I wonder how someone develops that kind of personality. It’s confusing why someone can b nasty when unprovoked

IABUQueen
They're born wired that way mostly i think.
Some of the stuff i've experienced defies rational thinking.

When my daughter was born prematurely and spent two weeks in special care the hospital had a policy of only partner and grandparents allowed to visit. I bent over backwards to allow my SIL to come in... and I was rewarded with rudeness, being ignored and general bitch brattiness behavior. Not nice when you are in a vulnerable position yourself and you're just trying to make everyone happy.

I have learned my lesson, but it took me nearly five years to do so.

Don't facilitate their bullshit: it is all about control. Domineering females within families (and not all are like this I hasten to add) only understand when you make it explicitly clear it isn't tolerated. In our case, no contact with SIL and limited access for MIL. I have no regrets - my relationship with my children (and my DH) transformed when they faded out of the picture.