In Law issues... am I being too sensitive?

[Peppergold]

Can you please offer me some advice.

DD is 14 months old and MIL asked to look after her on Saturday. BIL and SIL (DH's brothers wife) live with PIL but we have always made clear that when she's there it is PIL who are caring for her.

So in the morning SIL text me to ask what time we would be dropping DD off. I didn't message back as it's nothing to do with her. We had made arrangements with PIL that we would bring her round after her morning nap. We were then quizzed when we got there as to why I hadn't replied.

We came to pick DD up in the evening and it turned out that BIL and SIL had took DD out with them to meet some friends who have a child a similar age. They had no right to do this and I am really disappointed in PIL for going along with it.

On its own maybe it is childish of me to feel this way but none of them respect me as DD's Mum and SIL is too pushy. She has to involve her self in everything and I can't stand it. If I send MIL a photo of DD SIL tells MIL to forward it to her. I'm regularly told that I need to let SIL be more involved but I don't feel able to do this because I feel smothered.

At Christmas BIL and SIL bought PIL a calendar that had a photo of DD on for each month. Photos of DD with everyone but me! And a mug for MIL with "Grandma" on it surely this is stuff me and DH should buy, not SIL. She is constantly posting stuff about DD and picture online, if we all go out she obsesses over pushing the pram.

SIL interfered in the christening and then got pissed off when I wouldn't involve her in 1st birthday party. MIL and SIL seem to gang up on me yet they regularly talk behind each other's backs.

It just feels like they overstep the mark but no one sees it. So they tell me she's just being friendly etc. I don't know what to do about it, but it's making me feel upset and pushed into a corner.

Sorry it's so long.

Jemima. She did hide it. The op wasn't told until she picked up her dd

I have a grandchild and I would never do anything like this without checking first.

Have you got any sisters or brothers yourself? Would you have a problem if it were your side of the family looking after your baby?

@HollowTalk But she’s not close to us. She never has been, has never shown an interest. Until DD was born then she was desperate to be one of the he first to come to the hospital and almost jumped for joy when I said I wasn’t breast feeding and asked if she’d be able to give DD her bottle.

Glad your seeing you are ok to feel like this ..

I wouldnt make comments about when you have your own etc as they may well be having problems ttc ...and that is shit- although no excuse for her/their behaviour.

just nod and ignore the unwanted parenting advice ...although there have been threads about good lines to say on MN before

Excellent post @Marie

Op I wouldn't be trusting the opinions of strangers on the internet that clearly have no issues leaving their child with a virtual stranger.

I have to agree with this, and am surprised, too, by the number of rude, insulting posts levelled at the OP: calling her 'unhinged' and suggesting that she 'obviously dislikes' her SiL, who by her own admission she barely knows. OP has posted nothing which suggests she's 'unhinged' at all. She's concerned, as many mothers would be. I also suspect an element of projection is involved here, too.

I've lost count of the number of posts on Mumsnet which advise that we have 'gut instincts' for a reason, and should always listen to them. This SiL is inspiring that feeling, and it's hardly surprising. To go from barely knowing someone to being constantly in their child's face (whilst simultaneously freezing you out) is pretty extreme behaviour by anyone's standards. She's also indulging in that time-honoured in-law pastime of trespassing boundaries, and is pointedly omitting OP from the picture (quite literally) and engaging in activities with said child without informing or even asking the DC's mother.

In these circumstances I'd be putting the brakes on such behaviour and enforcing strong boundaries, and I wouldn't give a twopenny fuck who called me 'unhinged'. Which, incidentally, is extremely rude, aggressive and unnecessary behaviour against someone who is merely posting to receive a word of advice.

This ⬆️ 100%

I'm going against the grain a bit here

I'd want me or my DH to be informed if my children were being taken out by other people whilst in the care of others - nursery and school do this - so should family - can you imagine a text from a friend 'hi - just seen your child out with that young couple in Costa- hasn't she grown up ' ... etc ... I'd have a bit of a panicky moment trying to find out who this young couple was when they were meant to be with my 70 year old ILs - it's common courtesy and the right thing to do, besides, what if they decided to do something else inappropriate like get her hair cut, ears pierced etc ... if this couple cannot see that calendars and mugs created about somebody else's child is inappropriate then where do they draw the line
It's all about boundaries, your family are crossing these, not you

YANBU some people leave their kids with anyone and have low standards, i'm so glad you don't.
The presents are out of order, I'd have to ask her what she's playing at, with the photo's.
The fact they didn't even ask to take dd out would have me angry too.
I don't think you can trust any of them.

@NurseButtercup 2 years :)

@Peppergold please don't feel that because they are family that some how gives them a right to look after your child, as some posts seem to come across.
As a parent it is completely your choice who looks after you child whether they are family, a friend or paid help.

I wouldn't let my BIL or SIL look after my boy, purely and simply because I don't want them too!!
You don't have to justify your decision to anyone at all!! Especially if husband agrees.

PIL were bang out of order for letting them take child out without asking you...it's as simple as that...you are child's parent, so more than anything, you should know where child is and who with!!

I wouldn't like someone doing calendar etc as I don't feel they have a place to do that, and also shouldn't be using pictures of your child without permission..

Sounds to me like maybe she wants a child herself, so is getting carried away with pushing herself forward with your child. Probably no malice in it from her, she just isn't thinking how it may make you feel or that the child is yours and back off a bit.

I would be saying to PIL that you won't be leaving little one with them as they totally went against something you were very clear with...

I'm with you OP. You are not overreacting. Firstly I would be furious that although she blatantly doesn't want anything to do with your or your OH she wants free reign on your baby. Bloody cheek of it.
She took baby to god knows where and with god knows who. Your PIL's need told that if you say they can look after baby then she is their responsibility and theirs alone. If it puts SIL's nose out then tough. I would also stop sending MIL photos and if she asks why tell her you do not want photos of baby on Social Media unless you or OH decide to post them.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks Thank you very much for your post. It is my gut instinct. And to be honest, I was upset when I read the first few posts but I knew when I posted in AIBU that people might react strongly if they disagreed with me! It’s just a shame they couldn’t express it in ways other than insulting me.

OP do you have a problem with your BIL being with the baby? Does your husband have concerns about his brother?

@Jemima232 Have a brother and he has a wife. So my SIL as well. And I have no problem with her because she doesn’t overstep the boundaries!

@averythinline Thanks, I do feel better for talking about this.

I hope you feel better about posting now op. Marie is absolutely right and I'm gobsmacked at some of the nasty replies you've had on here.
It would be a different story if, god forbid, something happened. Then you'd be the worst mother in the world! You're doing a great job and your instinct is spot on.

When I went back to work after my first baby my PiL insisted on minding her. It was January, the baby (3 months) had bronchitis, and I'd had several polite disagreements with my MiL who insisted babies needed to be outside in a pram all day, for 'fresh air'. I was reluctant to agree to them looking after her, but finally agreed after stipulating she wasn't to be outside. The very first day when I went to collect her FiL joked to me that he was getting too old for lifting the pram down the steps to the back garden. MiL shot dagger looks at him and rushed to say that it was so lovely and sunny that it was good for the baby to have an hour outside.

So that was the end of that arrangement. If someone knows better than you, and ignores an agreement, then it's the last time they get to mind a baby.

These people are your baby's aunt and uncle. You haven't given a single reason why they shouldn't look after your DD.

Because the child's mother doesn't want them to. No other reason is needed.

YANBU op. At all.

Hurray! Common sense seems t have returned!

@thedevondumpling No problem with BIL other than obviously he went along with the calendar and Grandma mug. He is happy to see DD with me and/or DH. No problem. When DD was little and I was on maternity leave sometimes me and BIL would meet up at a local country park and have a walk. I’d have DD in the pram and he’d walk PIL’s dog. And DH often meets up with BIL and DD.

Thedevondumpling The sil and BIL took the child out with their friends that the OP doesn't know. How is that ok?

The OP is very focused on the SIL as if the BIL doesn't exist. They hardly know SIL, well they know BIL so is it OK if she knows the person or not? If not then it isn't relevant that she hardly knows the SIL as she clearly does know the BIL and he was also out with the baby. Very mixed justifying the fact she doesn't like SIL and anything she does is going to be wrong.

So essentially you just don't like your SIL. That's what it boils down to.

Well from your latest update Pepper why are you worried? You have no problem as your BIL was also taking baby out and he does know her and you have no issues with him.

You havent said if you bought the calendar and mug, are you feeling put out because she did something you think you should have done?

@weleasewoderick22 Thank you so much for your support and yours posts have genuinely made me feel supported.

@Juells Oh yes definitely! This is exactly how it is! MIL talks about SIL behind her back but is also scared of confrontation so easily backs down if SIL gets her mind set on something.

Jemima, I think you are spot on.

@Jemima232 You seem to have made your mind up from the beginning so there is absolutely no point me saying anything else to you.