In Law issues... am I being too sensitive?

[Peppergold]

Can you please offer me some advice.

DD is 14 months old and MIL asked to look after her on Saturday. BIL and SIL (DH's brothers wife) live with PIL but we have always made clear that when she's there it is PIL who are caring for her.

So in the morning SIL text me to ask what time we would be dropping DD off. I didn't message back as it's nothing to do with her. We had made arrangements with PIL that we would bring her round after her morning nap. We were then quizzed when we got there as to why I hadn't replied.

We came to pick DD up in the evening and it turned out that BIL and SIL had took DD out with them to meet some friends who have a child a similar age. They had no right to do this and I am really disappointed in PIL for going along with it.

On its own maybe it is childish of me to feel this way but none of them respect me as DD's Mum and SIL is too pushy. She has to involve her self in everything and I can't stand it. If I send MIL a photo of DD SIL tells MIL to forward it to her. I'm regularly told that I need to let SIL be more involved but I don't feel able to do this because I feel smothered.

At Christmas BIL and SIL bought PIL a calendar that had a photo of DD on for each month. Photos of DD with everyone but me! And a mug for MIL with "Grandma" on it surely this is stuff me and DH should buy, not SIL. She is constantly posting stuff about DD and picture online, if we all go out she obsesses over pushing the pram.

SIL interfered in the christening and then got pissed off when I wouldn't involve her in 1st birthday party. MIL and SIL seem to gang up on me yet they regularly talk behind each other's backs.

It just feels like they overstep the mark but no one sees it. So they tell me she's just being friendly etc. I don't know what to do about it, but it's making me feel upset and pushed into a corner.

Sorry it's so long.

I can see your point about the gifts, seems a little OTT. However, I think you were rude regarding the text, she is taking an interest in your DD and I think it is lovely they want to take her out, if I visit my parents house and my nephews or nieces are there I help to look after them, I might take them all to the park or help to make lunch etc. I've even changed they nappies. Do your inlaws have children of their own, because if they choose to you do realise the dynamics will change?

No sauce. I'd hate to think that it actually is grooming, but it's not beyond the realms of possibility. Most child abuse happens in families, although I hope I'm wrong and it's just a boundary issue.

Can you think of any other explanation for the SIL's creepy behaviour?

asking again, i guess sil and bil do not have dc of their own ? is there a back story as to why she might want to take over your dd , miscarriages, infertility?

Make it clear to PIL that if you leave DD in their care, she's in their care. She doesn't go with SIL, or anyone else, without you knowing about it and agreeing to it.

Absolutely.

@FizzyGreenWater So the most recent time I sent MIL a photo. That evening, SIL text and put along the lines of MIL showed me the photo of DD you sent, looks like she’s having a lot of fun. Miss her. Then the photo appears on social media!

Which seems fine in itself. But it felt like she was only messaging me so I’d knew she’d seen the photo and was being possessive.

@Peppergold I agree I wouldn’t like someone who I hardly knew looking after my child. I also wouldn’t not appreciate that they have given gifts that you should be giving.

I think its odd that your SIL wanted nothing to do with you until you had DD. To me it sounds like she’s over compensating cause she wants a child?

@Peppergold I wouldn’t appreciate photos on SM without my permission. This is something I have made clear.

@viques Where did you get that from? All I want is for her to stop trying to involve herself with everything to do with my DD.

Posters calling you unhinged...wow!

I’m not sure what’s going on with AIBU, but sometimes posters can be unnecessarily harsh.

@Peppergold YANBU

I would have been extremely angry as well that my DC was taken somewhere without being me being asked.

She’s not a doll but your child. They may very well be family, but that does not give them carte blanch to do what the hell they like.

@Peppergold if you feel that MIL/SIL gang up on you, then stop sending pics and letting your child go and see them without you. Your DH, also needs to be telling them that this behaviour is not in anyway acceptable.

I agree, your SIL is playing babies with your child which is in no way normal!

@JemSynergy No they don’t have children. Yes I hope the dynamics change! I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t want me this involved with her children so don’t know why she thinks it’s ok for her! I wish they would have a child and then she could stop being overbearing with mine!

I can't believe the posters saying they'd be fine with someone they barely know taking their baby off for the afternoon to meet people you've never met. I wouldn't tolerate that for one minute, the SiL oversteps the line all the time, I'd have a bust-up with her. The PiL were obviously trying to keep the peace, at your expense.

Also, stop allowing anyone to put up pictures of your DD on SM. That’s weird in itself.

I actually get how you feel, I had a family like this.

Just don’t let them have her anymore until she’s old enough to ask.

@fecketyfeck21 No, they don’t have children. I don’t know what it is. The only things I can guess is that SIL has always wanted to be involved in absolutely everything. She hates to not have attention and always tries to insert herself into every situation. And PIL are obviously so happy to have a GC & so I think she used DD to try and impress them.

i think i'd organise some visits away from home and be there as a full on mum and dad, at least you can keep a closer eye on things.

She put a photo of your baby on social media ?!

Wow crazy. Not ok

She sounds well weird. Its like she really wants to be in your role in the family dynamic, with a baby and grandparents etc.
So why dousnt she have a baby then ?!?! May e she is TTC and its not working so she is jealous?! Or she just likes the idea but can't be arsed with the full time ness of it. Either way its not fair on you

Maybe start cheerfully dropping hints ALL the time...
'Oh you like DD's hat? I'll keep it aside for when you have your baby!'
'Your so good with DD. You will be such a good mother!'
'So when is DD going to get a cousin ?? :)'

Etc etc

@Xyzzzzz Yes I think she is over compensating. She regularly makes comments that suggest she disapproves of our parenting and blatantly says about some things that we are dealing with it wrong and it’s not what she would do etc.

@Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda Thank you for being supportive. At the start of the thread I genuinely thought I must have completely misjudged the situation because loads of early posters seemed to think I was completely in the wrong.

This woman is your child's aunt! She's not some random stranger off the street.

Grooming?

Over-stepping boundaries?

How about she's the baby's auntie and just took her to meet some friends?

She didn't hide it from you. She also didn't hide the fact that she liked the baby's photo.

People who groom babies don't do things in plain sight.

This just gets worse and worse.

She criticises your parenting. WTAF?

What does your dh think of the situation?

@Lilymossflower I obviously can’t be sure but I don’t think they are TTC. Because they’re still living with PIL and it’s been made clear that they wouldn’t be impressed if they had a child while still living there.

SIL regularly puts photos up of DD. One of the things she does most when we see her is take selfies with DD!

People who groom babies don't do things in plain sight.

ummmmm yes they do. I'm not saying that's what's happening, but babies aren't parcels to be handed around.

@Jemima232 She is BIL’s wife. She is not close to me or DH.

Just out of interest how long have SIL and BIL been married?

Op I wouldn't be trusting the opinions of strangers on the internet that clearly have no issues leaving their child with a virtual stranger.

I have to agree with this, and am surprised, too, by the number of rude, insulting posts levelled at the OP: calling her 'unhinged' and suggesting that she 'obviously dislikes' her SiL, who by her own admission she barely knows. OP has posted nothing which suggests she's 'unhinged' at all. She's concerned, as many mothers would be. I also suspect an element of projection is involved here, too.

I've lost count of the number of posts on Mumsnet which advise that we have 'gut instincts' for a reason, and should always listen to them. This SiL is inspiring that feeling, and it's hardly surprising. To go from barely knowing someone to being constantly in their child's face (whilst simultaneously freezing you out) is pretty extreme behaviour by anyone's standards. She's also indulging in that time-honoured in-law pastime of trespassing boundaries, and is pointedly omitting OP from the picture (quite literally) and engaging in activities with said child without informing or even asking the DC's mother.

In these circumstances I'd be putting the brakes on such behaviour and enforcing strong boundaries, and I wouldn't give a twopenny fuck who called me 'unhinged'. Which, incidentally, is extremely rude, aggressive and unnecessary behaviour against someone who is merely posting to receive a word of advice.