In Law issues... am I being too sensitive?

[Peppergold]

Can you please offer me some advice.

DD is 14 months old and MIL asked to look after her on Saturday. BIL and SIL (DH's brothers wife) live with PIL but we have always made clear that when she's there it is PIL who are caring for her.

So in the morning SIL text me to ask what time we would be dropping DD off. I didn't message back as it's nothing to do with her. We had made arrangements with PIL that we would bring her round after her morning nap. We were then quizzed when we got there as to why I hadn't replied.

We came to pick DD up in the evening and it turned out that BIL and SIL had took DD out with them to meet some friends who have a child a similar age. They had no right to do this and I am really disappointed in PIL for going along with it.

On its own maybe it is childish of me to feel this way but none of them respect me as DD's Mum and SIL is too pushy. She has to involve her self in everything and I can't stand it. If I send MIL a photo of DD SIL tells MIL to forward it to her. I'm regularly told that I need to let SIL be more involved but I don't feel able to do this because I feel smothered.

At Christmas BIL and SIL bought PIL a calendar that had a photo of DD on for each month. Photos of DD with everyone but me! And a mug for MIL with "Grandma" on it surely this is stuff me and DH should buy, not SIL. She is constantly posting stuff about DD and picture online, if we all go out she obsesses over pushing the pram.

SIL interfered in the christening and then got pissed off when I wouldn't involve her in 1st birthday party. MIL and SIL seem to gang up on me yet they regularly talk behind each other's backs.

It just feels like they overstep the mark but no one sees it. So they tell me she's just being friendly etc. I don't know what to do about it, but it's making me feel upset and pushed into a corner.

Sorry it's so long.

Also regarding the photos I would comment on social media that you sent them to MIL not her and please take them down as they are not for her to share without asking you first!!

Your SIL sounds like a nightmare TBH. I have seen it happen many times. The child lists and takes on they are niece or nephew has a special project, and as soon as they have their own children, the child is dropped like a hot potato.
But you have two other problems. You now know you cannot trust your mother-in-law, that you need to stand up for yourself.

People who don’t respect me you don’t have super close relationships with my children. They see them at family events and that’s it.

I would’ve been livid about the calendar. My mother tried to give photos that I had taken and printed off for her to her parents as gifts. I told her she could frame her own photos, But that it was ridiculous to use mine. I had in fact printed off the same photos as gifts to give out.

I would not leave your child at your in-laws house and attended any longer, and if your mother-in-law wants to visit or babysit she can do so at your house.

" And thinking about it all is making me scared it’s going to be like this with DC2 as well."

You might have a boy that she shows not interest in, or another girl who she transfers to!

*childless aunt

Ivf worked eventually OP and we have a dd. Congratulations on your pregnancy, all the more reason for DH to have a chat!

OP go with your gut instinct, if it's telling you something isn't right about your SIL hen I bet something isn't. It all sounds a bit off to me, if she was trying hard to become closer to you too I may understand her behaviour a little but, I wouldn't feel comfortable being in the position you're in either.

You are not 'unhinged', you are a mother who feels like something is right and wants to protect your LO.

I don't have any advice but I hope you can find a way around this xx

Hmmm she does seem a bit over invested but...

I don't get why you're making this about SIL when it's equally about BIL, ie a blood uncle who obviously your husband knows well because they are brothers.

Because it was your husbands brother and the SIL that took your child out, not just SIL.
It was your husbands brother and the SIL that were the replacement babysitters.

And things like.christmas presents are usually from both spouses not just one, so the (admittedly batshit) presents again from both.

And whilst it would be highly odd for BILand SIL to take your child out,when in the care of PIL, it's much less odd when they live together. You may have put in place restrictions on feeding and personal care (very weird and pfb in my opinion but hey ho) but in reality if they have an adult son and his wife living at home, babysitting would be a joint operation if everyone is around. If the whole situation was contrived so BIL could take your child out (along with his wife) then that's weird, but equally if it was impromptu then I wouldn't have a problem with them popping out together.

I wonder whether BIL and SIL are having issues with fertility etc though, or finding the wait to start a family difficult. They've been married for 2 years and your child is 14m. So before your baby came on the scene they wouldn't have been married, and maybe that explains why she didn't try to get close to you, and/or people who struggle with fertility often find it difficult to be around pregnant women.

In short, I think she's overstepped some boundaries but I think you clearly have a problem with her, which may be why you are putting all the blame on her rather than BIL.

I think it's strange, but people can be quite obsessive over babies. I personally find the selfies with other people's babies very weird.

I do think it was strange to take out your DD. I wouldn't like this at all. To me we is pretending your baby is hers ?!

Are you part of a culture where the women all gather to help out with everyone's babies ? And I don't get why your BIL & SIL live with your PIL?

@twinsbelly Thank you. Yes we feel undermined and I can’t work out why SIL is even remotely interested in half the stuff about us and DD and even more so, why MIL goes along with keeping her updated on everything. It is truly ridiculous. Stuff like what DD is going to wear to family parties etc so can co-ordinate. Wants to know exactly what presents people buy DD for birthday/Christmas. It is beyond my comprehension.

@Mumoftwoyoungkids Yes Yes Yes! Her and MIL would love to make every decision for us and for DD.

@Xyzzzzz Thank you. Yes we have decided that we are going to talk to them all. And definitely no social media going forward.

@LovePoppy Exactly, why is she so invested in DD when she doesn’t even like me or DH?!

@diddl I’m worried either way! The more I think about it though, the more it seems to be because DD is a girl. And I hope that there is nothing untoward and it’s just because she favours girls.

I wouldn't be happy about it, her interest sounds unhealthy whatever the reason may be. I'd be keeping a wide berth of all of them.

Some Q's -
1 - is she unable to have her own children?
2 - why do they live with your PIL?

This is just my opinion, and some have already suggested it, but it sounds to me as if she is desperate for a baby of her own. Whether they are TTC or not because of home circumstances I have no idea but the whole ‘meeting up with friends with children a similar age’ ‘taking lots of photos of baby’ etc resonates how excluded I felt when family and friends around us all began families successfully and we were unable to have a baby. Our social circle suddenly changed into family/baby friendly activities and social media was full of other people’s photos of adorable kids - it’s hard and I openly admit I invested more than usual interest into godchildren and nephews/nieces before we were lucky enough, with a lot of treatment, to have a child of our own. I can see from your side what might seem unreasonable and obviously I don’t know the full context but it might be worth considering if this could be behind it?

I openly admit I invested more than usual interest into godchildren and nephews/nieces before we were lucky enough, with a lot of treatment, to have a child of our own.

Oh rainbow don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s rather lovely to channel your energy to give love to children around you when you are struggling to have your own.. children really do need all the love they need.

But this case is rather different. You mention godchildren and that says a lot about your relationship with the children’s parents.

The odd behavior isn’t just that this SIL is doting over OPs daughter which would’ve been lovely, it is how she undermines her and excludes her and criticizes her parenting and is clearly not interested in putting effort with people who are the most important to that child. Some people have a toxic competitive streak and would use any vulnerable soul to gain the spotlight and in this case this is not love, the little girl is being used to get a one up on her own mother, which is not your case at all.

I think it’s lovely when my childless friends dote over my child, it’s nice for him to have many loving aunties which he so needs.

Sorry I meant child-Free. Didn’t mean to be rude. Need to upgrade my vocabulary.

Good point, well made IABUQueen - I’ve perhaps read the thread with one side tainted glasses! Hope it resolves itself in some way soon for you OP - in laws can be a nightmare ...!

Not sure on the correct use of childless/childfree - ironically the former is what I would have considered myself, the latter I now look forward to on occasions! (tongue firmly in cheek!)

"Yes, why is she only interested in DD"

Several possibilities

She's not actually disinterested in her nephews but their mother/parents have also been subjected to similar behaviour from her so she's being kept at arms length by them.

To ingratiate herself with your PIL/compete with you for (in her head) positions of "best DIL"

Thinking a girl will be more fun to play with/dress up, to do "girly" things with as she grows older. When my dd was younger and still having contact with her father and stepmum her stepmum made a real fuss of dd and loved having her to stay and made the most of doing "girly" things together as she has all boys (5!) so it was a nice change and a chance to do things she couldn't with her boys BUT again she has NEVER overstepped boundaries. She's never posted on SM re dd without checking with me and later dd, nor done very personal things eg painting her nails without checking with me first.

Hopefully I'm way wrong and it's rare but potentially sinister reasons - that's partly why you've had the visceral reaction you're feeling.

The reasons are essentially irrelevant (unless the very last one) the point is she's not behaving appropriately or respectfully and needs clearly reminded of what her position is - barely aunt NOT mother.

I'm very glad you have dh's support, so often dh's aren't supportive when they feel "stuck in the middle" between wife and original family, even when original families actions are clearly out of line.

I've had 2 mc myself and we'll remember the pain of worrying I'd never be a mother and yes I was probably more doting on friends and families children as a result for a while, but it never manifested as a need to undermine or deliberately exclude a child's mother.

I suspect that SIL will lose interest in DD once you ban social media. SIL needs to know that DD is a person, not a prop. I feel that her motivation probably has more to do with social media narcissim than her own frustration at not yet being a parent, hence the lack of interest in nephews, etc.... I would in fact, assume that you will shortly be blocked from SIL’s social media accounts so that she can continue showing photos of your DD and you will not know. Because they have not respected your rules as parents (yes, your rules. You get to make them, you know....) I think you should not leave DD with PIL unattended and stop sharing photos on your own social media as they will be copied and shared without your permission.

@roseblush I’m pleased you have your DD. We tried for 3 years until we conceived our DD.

@Tails5290 Thank you. In laws want to make it seem like I’m unreasonable as then they can carry on and just brush my concerns under the carpet.

@Hugtheduggee I am focusing on SIL as she is the one that shows no interest in me or DH, she’s the one we don’t really know and she is the one that constantly oversteps. BIL has done as well but it doesn’t happen constantly and he doesn’t seem obsessed with DD. As far as I can know, they aren’t ttc. If they wanted a child, I doubt they would have moved back in with PIL. She wasn’t interested in my pregnancy but she wasn’t outright rude then either. Other than the offhand comments about the stuff we’d bought/chosen for baby, the only specific thing I can recall was her insistence that we would have a boy and she seemed put out when we had a girl. Which then seemed even weirder that she’s so bothered with DD? She seemed to want us to have a boy! Or maybe just didn’t like that she’d guessed wrong I suppose.

@thesunisoutatlast Yes, I wouldn’t have been happy her taking DD out but even worse when none of them actually asked us. No we aren’t from a culture like that. They live with PIL because they keep moving out, then can’t afford the rent and so move back in. They have decent jobs, but just prioritise stuff other than rent!

@Jasging As far as I know, I don’t think they’ve ever TTC. She says she doesn’t even know if they want kids now.

@RainbowBrite41 I take your point, but can’t see why the would have moved back in with PIL if they wanted to have a baby. And why would she be so interested in what other people buy DD, what clothes she wears etc. If PIL say DD is wearing a really nice outfit for example, SIL will agree. So she’s not left out I think. And I don’t think she wants to come across badly in front of them. But otherwise she will make snide comments. My gut instinct says that she wants to use DD to impress PIL. And doesn’t care about other people’s feelings. We went to DH’s aunts birthday party and MIL said she bought DD an outfit to wear to it. But then said “oh SIL helped me pick it out” Like why do they need to involve themselves with this.

@Graphista Yes she definitely wants to use DD to play dress up. But not sure if that’s just for more control or not. No joke, for Christmas she attempted to influence what PIL and DH’s grandparents bought DD.

@justilou1 She will either lose interest, or do it even more to annoy me! We hardly ever share photos of DD on social media anyway, but even PIL do so they are all guilty of that.

The more I've read the more I think you MIL is at the back of this. Why is she telling you that SIL is quizzing her about what you do or buy for DD. Why is she engineering BIL and SIL babysitting and getting angry if you don't go along with it?

I'm a MIL and I think MIL's have a hard time on here sometimes but I think you should maybe think about the part she is playing in this.

Just as an example I wouldn't think twice about my DD and SIL helping with my GC, their nieces and nephews, if they are here when I have the children but I wouldn't let them put car seat in their car, I like parents to do the seats for safety, and I certainly wouldn't be stirring about what anyone said to me. Again if I couldn't babysit I might suggest asking DD, she is also a devoted auntie, but I wouldn't be arranging it.

I wonder what MIL says about you to SIL, is she stirring there and SIL is reluctant to spend time with you as MIL has said something.

It bothers you that she has photos you sent to MIL, think about how she got the photos, yes MIL passed them on I don't suppose your SIL stole them.

If I was you I'd watch MIL.

As far as I know, I don’t think they’ve ever TTC. She says she doesn’t even know if they want kids now. Sometimes people say this if they want to keep their fertility issues private.

Buy the silly bitch a doll and toss it to her next time you're unfortunate enough to see her. "Here, you can feed and dress this"

OP, just seen your most recent update. Things may come to a head before your second DC arrives on the scene, but before you even inform your in-laws of your pregnancy I'd recommend the following:

1. Be vague about the due date and give them one that's about 2-3 weeks after the real one. And if you're apt to respond to calls or texts immediately, stop doing that. In the run up to the birth switch off your phone beforehand under the ruse that you need some rest. You don't need these people hijacking this birth and spoiling yet another experience of motherhood for you.

1. Ensure plans are in place for care of DC1 well ahead of the time (and needless to say, carers not to be PiL or SiL)!

Congratulations on your happy news!

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Your SIL sounds a bit unhinged and it's probably making you worry more than you usually would.
The calendar thing is weird... who gets a calendar with other people's kids on? I think maybe if it was a joint present then ok but just from them is weird. It's like they're pretending it's their child.
Options for future are to spend a day with SIL and DC and see how she is with them

And I don't think it's weird to ask for only MIL/ immediate family/people with experience of looking after kids to do personal care... I wouldn't let my SIL do it. She doesn't know how!

Are they TTC? Is she borrowing your child because they really want one?

@thedevondumpling I don't know why MIL tells me, I assume it’s because she thinks it’s nice and wants to keep SIL involved. She has said before not to leave her out. No she isn’t stirring the pot and telling SIL I’ve badmouthed her. Because SIL is at her nicest (!) when we are all together. Yes MIL sends them and when DH asked in the past she said well we all want to share in the joy and why didn’t I just send them to everyone anyway and there wouldn’t be a problem. They created a message group in the newborn days so I could put photos of DD on for them all to see. But thank you for the advice and I will definitely keep it in mind that MIL may be making things worse. I just can’t think they would be TTC when living with PIL! If they wanted a baby they wouldn’t have moved in with them surely.

@MorningRichie Haha!!! It is very tempting!

@MarieIVanArkleStinks Yes I don’t think DD will be going to PIL without us for quite a while. I bet they all expect SIL to be allowed to visit in hospital too! They don’t have a clue how they’ve made me feel.

@NCforpoo Exactly, it was so odd and so obvious that I had been excluded from the photos! Can’t believe PIL didn’t say anything. Other family have since noticed though so least other people care. I don’t think they want a baby yet because they moved back in with PIL which I think to TTC they would need their own place.