In Law issues... am I being too sensitive?

[Peppergold]

Can you please offer me some advice.

DD is 14 months old and MIL asked to look after her on Saturday. BIL and SIL (DH's brothers wife) live with PIL but we have always made clear that when she's there it is PIL who are caring for her.

So in the morning SIL text me to ask what time we would be dropping DD off. I didn't message back as it's nothing to do with her. We had made arrangements with PIL that we would bring her round after her morning nap. We were then quizzed when we got there as to why I hadn't replied.

We came to pick DD up in the evening and it turned out that BIL and SIL had took DD out with them to meet some friends who have a child a similar age. They had no right to do this and I am really disappointed in PIL for going along with it.

On its own maybe it is childish of me to feel this way but none of them respect me as DD's Mum and SIL is too pushy. She has to involve her self in everything and I can't stand it. If I send MIL a photo of DD SIL tells MIL to forward it to her. I'm regularly told that I need to let SIL be more involved but I don't feel able to do this because I feel smothered.

At Christmas BIL and SIL bought PIL a calendar that had a photo of DD on for each month. Photos of DD with everyone but me! And a mug for MIL with "Grandma" on it surely this is stuff me and DH should buy, not SIL. She is constantly posting stuff about DD and picture online, if we all go out she obsesses over pushing the pram.

SIL interfered in the christening and then got pissed off when I wouldn't involve her in 1st birthday party. MIL and SIL seem to gang up on me yet they regularly talk behind each other's backs.

It just feels like they overstep the mark but no one sees it. So they tell me she's just being friendly etc. I don't know what to do about it, but it's making me feel upset and pushed into a corner.

Sorry it's so long.

@DM1209 Why would we want someone that we hardly know changing doing personal care for DD when her grandparents are there and perfectly capable?

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy It’s not a competition. I just want SIL to mind her own business and stop trying to pressure me. I am obviously facing facts that I’m in the wrong and should just let them do whatever with my child and sit back. This has been ongoing since DD was born, so I have obviously fulfilled my purpose and so should now have no further say.

@Digestive28 Because FIL doesn’t want to change nappies.

@HypatiaCade Exactly! DH hardly knows her either and doesn’t get why she’s so obsessed with being involved with everything. She wasn’t even slightly interested in us before DD was born.

You sound a bit unhinged, OP.

@Jemmima232 - got to agree with you there.

Clearly you (rightly or wrongly) have issues with SIL. I’m not going to get into whether that is right or wrong because although on the surface of what you’ve writing it seems really petty, I do feel like there may be more to it given that it is only her you seem to have the issue with rather than other posts I’ve read here where the entire paternal family is snubbed.

I can see why things like the gifts they’ve given MIL ruffle feathers because they are overstepping in that way. (I’ve had this happen last year - MILs friend wanted to give GMIL a personalised gift with our DCs photo -just, why?!)

I think you are being a bit unreasonable to say ‘only PIL can do XYZ’ when they are babysitting though because these are your personal preferences that you are expecting PIL to enforce without tangible reason which puts PIL in and awkward position which I think is unfair.
Although I agree it was wrong and thoughtless to let BIL and SIL take your DD out withoutat least informing you first so you would know where she was.

I think from now on if PIL want to babysit then you should just ask them to do it at your house. That way you can have more of a say over who does what without also coming across as being petty and using your DD for some kind of power play over SIL.

YANBU. I have no issues with my ExSILs taking DD for the day but I don’t know ExBIL at all - lines abroad - so if he wanted DD for the day I’d be wary as I’ve only met him once so have zero idea what he’s like with children, doesn’t have any of his own. Whereas ExSIL1 is a Paeds nurse, ExSIL2 a SAHM. Lots of experience between them and I know them well.

Personal care for a baby

What is your problem with letting people change your PFB's nappy?

I mean, you'd have something to say if they left her unchanged.

You sound utterly ridiculous, I was the ‘sister in law’ in this scenario, I loved seeing my DN and spent ages looking after him, I can’t imagine my sister in law was bothered, for nearly 5 years I would babysit so my DSIL (my husbands sister) could go out with her partner on a Sat night, (my DH didn’t babysit with me either), we would have DN to stay so they could have a weekend away etc etc. I considered myself the boy’s aunt (although strictly speaking it was not a blood relative) & as far as I am aware there were no issues at all.

You sound weirdly jealous of your DS’s relationship with his aunt and uncle.

@Jemima232 I’m beginning to think I must be.

I’m sorry, I had missed the part where she is an in law sister rather than your DH sister. That does change it a little for me as she isn’t a relative and you haven’t said how long she has been on the scene.
I would suggest that you ask your PIL to babysit at yours next time. I’m sure you can come up with some reason. Maybe invite them to do things with the three of you to create some time where the BandSIL aren’t involved as well?

Find it quite shocking so many would be happy for their children to be looked after by someone they hardly know.

I wouldn't be happy at all op. She sounds really weird and too much.

The bit I wouldn't be happy about is that they have all made this plan behind your (and DH's back) for MIL to ask to spend time with your DD, when really it was for SIL & BIL to take her out.

The fact that they all failed to mention this means they knew you would t be happy with it and wouldn't allow it, but they did it anyway.

But at the same time, I do think your point blank refusal to allow SIL to be involved at all has made them resort to such measures.
Why not allow her to be involved, within parameters that you set. For example, of course she could change your DD's nappy and help feed her, but not take her out without PIL or you/DH there. And build from there. As soon as she oversteps the boundaries, it goes back to how it was.

Is it SIL or BIL who is related to your DH? What does your DH have to say about the whole situation?

If I am honest I was not particularly friendly with my DSIL before she had a baby, we are totally different people with different lifestyles and interests but when my nephew was born we were all thrilled to have a baby in the family and it bought us all closure together.
Maybe you should try and get to know your DSIL?

You say you don’t ‘know her’ but she is your husband’s brother’s wife, & they both live with the ILs, how long have they been married, why don’t you ‘know’ her?
And your baby is 14 months old hardly a tiny baby of just a few weeks.

I'm with you OP. She's someone you hardly had any contact with before you had your dd, and it's bizarre that she's so full on now. This would get my spidy senses going into overdrive.

I agree with others though op, that you should maybe go out for a bit if one to one time with her so that you actually get to know her.

I do find the behaviour weird that they seemed to have organised this behind your back. Seems a bit ott on their part.

@MsSquiz BIL is DH’s brother. SIL is BIL’s wife. She is not interested in getting to know us - she is only bothered about DD. Which is lovely on the surface but far too over familiar when we hardly know her. From the moment she met DD she’s been too much for me. But it seems like perhaps I am the one losing it from what others posters have said.

Op I wouldn't be trusting the opinions of strangers on the internet that clearly have no issues leaving their child with a virtual stranger.

Go with your gut, if she gets your spidey senses up then trust your instinct and put in place boundaries.

They don't respect you at all, which is the main thing that stands out here.

OP, it sounds like you have a problem with this SIL, which you haven't elaborated on.

I would be glad that so many people were willing to give me a break from a toddler.

It's not as though your PIL gave your DD to the neighbours for three hours and they took her to a strip club.

These people are your baby's aunt and uncle. You haven't given a single reason why they shouldn't look after your DD.

I do appreciate where you're coming from. It's hard when someone who hasn't been involved in your life wants to play a huge part in your child's life.

I don't think you are completely on the wrong, but I do think maybe trying to work on making the situation easier with everyone could help. If you allow her to be involved to a certain degree, it could mean you both develop an easier relationship, to where you feel comfortable with her helping out on occasion with childcare.

My DH's sister and I have a very strained relationship and since finding out I am pregnant she hasn't spoken to me at all. But I know when the baby is here, she will go into perfect auntie overdrive, and it is already giving me anxiety as she is very overbearing and full on, and no one ever pulls her up on anything! (I have seen her do this with out other SIL when she had her children)

At Christmas BIL and SIL bought PIL a calendar that had a photo of DD on for each month. Photos of DD with everyone but me! And a mug for MIL with "Grandma" on it surely this is stuff me and DH should buy, not SIL.

Well did you? Oh the horror if they ended up with two calendars and two mugs but if you didn't buy them why would it be a problem?

@weleasewoderick22 Yes, she has never shown any interest in us. Which is fine, we are quite different people. But then why go so over the top about DD. Before they moved in with PIL, BIL would come over for dinner or whatever to see us without SIL who didn’t want to come. So it’s not like we have excluded her. If anything, I think she wants to exclude us.

@Jemima232 Because MIL asked to look after DD yet then SIL/BIL took her out instead. So if I agree to PIL looking after her then I expect that’s what will happen. Not that DD is taken out without our knowledge.

This may sound OTT, but has anyone considered that she may be grooming? Plus, I would also be very picky about who changes her nappy too.

The OP isn't happy with the situation and I don't blame her.

Op I wouldn't be trusting the opinions of strangers on the internet that clearly have no issues leaving their child with a virtual stranger. Wasn't the baby with it's uncle, you know the fathers brother who has presumably been known to the father all, or most, of his life. Or are in an age where men obviously can't care for a baby particularly if there is a woman within a mile.

I think YANBU and not sure why so many others think you are.

Sounds like SIL is pretending it's her child - calendar, taking her out to meet with friends as if she was theirs. It's not normal to be desperate to change a baby's nappies either, unless you are doing it as a help to the parents. It's also not normal to have a close relationship with a baby when you are not close to its parents.The situation sounds pathological.

'Normal' aunt type relationship would include buying presents for birthdays, reading stories, helping out with other stuff when requested to - IME new parents are more than happy to do most things for their baby themselves and don't welcome someone (especially someone they barely know) muscling in. And why should they? It's their baby.

I don't think you can expect PIL to enforce your rules though. You will either have to arrange visits away from SIL or go along and stay with DD when she's there.