WIBU to give my estranged sister a kidney?

[Shutupaboutthesun]

My older sister became chronically ill many years ago and needed a kidney transplant from our mother. That kidney is now failing and she will shortly return to dialysis.

I'm asking if it would be unreasonable to give her my kidney, not whether it would be unreasonable NOT to, because of our particular circumstances.

We are low contact and only see each other at big family events. We don't otherwise talk. Her husband recently wrote to me, asking if I would consider donating. Our younger sister got an identical letter - she has already said no.

We (me and younger sis) do not get along with our older sister because she bullied us terribly throughout childhood, physically and psychologically. Both of us have ongoing anxiety and self-esteem issues due to the bullying, which was never stopped or curtailed by our mother (our father left when we were young). DM is still in complete denial about what went on, and characterises the situation as 'you two have always ganged up on her'.

DSis (younger) is in therapy and it was her therapist who advised her to write back immediately saying no to the kidney donation. She then got a horrible letter from older DSis (even though the original letter was from her husband), calling her a selfish person and implying she was a coward and a liar. She said she never wanted to see younger DSis again and would avoid any family gatherings from now on at which she would be present.

After younger DSis showed me that letter, I felt the familiar feeling of panic and helplessness from my childhood, of being trapped with older DSis, unable to get away from her fists and her taunts. I decided that I would say no too as I'll be damned if I'm going to be bullied by her in adulthood as well as childhood.

However, there was also something in the letter that made me pause. DSis has an 8yo daughter and she wrote of how awful it is to have to look at her every day and know that she won't see her grow up. She wrote, 'It is the worst feeling in the world'. This resonated with me as I am sole parent to my 3yo DD. I realised DSis is in an unspeakably awful situation, and the right thing might be to put aside my childhood issues and help her if I can.

Having said that, the fact that my DD doesn't have another parent (father's name not on the birth certificate) makes me hyper-aware of my responsibilities to her. I know the risks from donating a kidney are low, but the risk is still there, and I go back and forth between believing that I owe it to my sister to try to help, and believing that I owe it to my daughter not to take this risk for someone with whom I have a very poor relationship.

I've talked to a number of people about what I should do and they all, except for DM, said I shouldn't offer to donate. DM thinks I should because DSis is very ill, will probably die in the next five years without a new kidney, and there is 'no risk to the donor'. She keeps reassuring me that she has no health issues from donating her own kidney 16 years ago. Friends have said I shouldn't do it because my priority should be DD. GP said the same.

Even so, I keep thinking about it, and last week I almost told DM to tell DSis that I would be willing to get tested to see if I was a match.

I keep swinging back and forth between opposite emotions. Some days I feel guilty about what is happening to DSis, knowing that I could possibly stop it. The brutal fact is, if I don't donate, it means I am willing to sit back and watch my sister slowly die. DM is already full of grief about what is happening and her emotional state will only get worse as DSis deteriorates on dialysis.

Some days I think offering to donate my kidney would be some kind of 'big gesture' I could make to heal our whole family, whereas holding on to it just represents holding on to the bitterness of the past. Then other days I get angry and think, 'fuck it, no, why should I give that bitch my kidney, when she's had more negative effect on my life than any other person?'

I feel very clouded by conflicting emotions and it is hard to see clearly what is the right thing to do.

Whatever you decide it will not heal your family. Do what is best for you and your daughter. How will you feel if you do have health problems later or if your sister remains hostile and unpleasant?

Can you get tested without her being aware? This issue may be a moot point it you aren't a match, and then you can say so. If you are a match, you can think what to do in your own time. It doesn't sound like an immediate emergency.

I would be conflicted, too, OP, but get more information first is my advice.

I really feel for you. X what a tough decision to make.
I think first thing you need to do is get tested to see if you are even a match. Nobody else needs to know. If you aren’t, then you can say yes, knowing you can’t, do the gesture is there and your DM can’t hold it against you.

For what it’s worth, even if you are a match, I wouldn’t. You are your child’s only parent and any risk, no matter how small, is too big.

YABU to even consider it. Your responsibility is to your daughter.

The only 2 people I would donate an organ to are my children.

Is the condition genetic? Could it effect you or your DD in the future?

I would get tested - you might not even be a match and then wouldn't even have to make the decision.

It's a tricky situation if you are a match - obviously if you can save someone else's life or improve their standard of living dramatically, why wouldn't you?
BUT as you say, you have your daughter to think of too.

I think you should forget about the childhood trauma (just disregard it to make this decision - I know you can't forget it!) and bass your decision on whether you would do the same for your younger sister. Then ask whether you would do it for a stranger.
Then decide where your estranged sister sits between the two.

You made me think what I’d do if I was in this scenario, I’ve got to estranged brothers. No family is in touch with each other, the two brothers are also not in touch with each other. Would I? I can honestly say no I wouldn’t. I’m also a single parent and wouldn’t risk my health it’s just the two of us and she would be alone.

You have to do what is right for you. You as another said might not even be a match?

Whatever you decide it will not heal your family.

This.

No way. I could see your dilemma until you mentioned your own status as a solo parent to a small child. I would never undertake an unnecessary risk in that situation. And your sister sounds vile. From what you’ve said she’s not present in your life and I bet it’s not easy being the sole parent to a small dc. Has your sister ever reached out to help you in your situation? You must put your daughter first here.

I wouldn’t. Certainly wouldn’t risk my health for this, especially since you have a young child yourself. What if she needed a kidney herself one day? It’s terribly sad, but you are not obligated to do it, especially since it seems she wouldn’t be grateful and it would be mentally and physically difficult for you.

I also agree I wouldn't. Your sister doesn't get to come back into your life and not own up to watch she did to you in the past, you won't even get an I'm sorry or probably a thank you if you even did it.

Taking all of the sibling fall out out of the equation: purely medically, I would consider whether it’s a viable proposition to donate considering the last donor kidney only lasted 8 years. It doesn’t sound like she’s a strong candidate for transplant considering the previous kidney failed so quickly. You also need to consider that as a sole parent you would be laid up for weeks with nobody to watch your DD. Transplant is much harder on the donor than the recipient and you’d have a long and painful recovery. It’s also worth considering that you are your DD’s best chance of a kidney transplant should she ever need one.

If you look purely at the medical reasons, it’s not a viable prospect for you to donate and it’s fine to say no, without going into any of your family issues.

Op don't do it.
I say this as someone who was tested for my uncle.
There's a lot of risk to you and it will shorten your life.
You and your dd are more important than a bully and your dm is gaslighting you

What a horrible, sad situation.

At the end of the day, I would probably do it. Why? I don’t think I could bear the pain my mother and her child would feel.

But I would MILK it.

I would not even consider donating in these circumstances.

Remember that your donated kidney may fail too, just as your mother's did.

Do whatever you need to do to look yourself in the mirror for the rest of your life. This isn't about your sister as much as is it about your belief in your morals and values as a person and living your life aligned to them.

Oh and did your younger sister’s response give your other sister pause for thought? Did she think to reflect on why she’d been turned down? Did she attempt to repair her relationship with you, to consider her own behaviour and how it has led to this point? Clearly not. She’d take your kidney and carry on how she’s always done.

While the risk to the donor may be small, it is wrong to say there is no risk. The donor is often much more unwell after the operation than the recipient. A friend of mine donated a kidney to his brother and it was much, much harder for him to recover from. As you are a single parent, I would not be taking the risk of donating. That is completely disregarding the bad feeling between you and your older sister. Your DD has no one else.

Please say no, for the sake of your DD. Your older sister's DD still has her father. It is horrible to think she might lose her mother, but another kidney may become available via the transplant list. You can also be on dialysis for a long time.

Do not feel guilty about saying no. It is a huge thing to consider and as a single parent, your child must come first.

Yes I was also wondering about the genetic condition .

I don’t think anyone can make this decision for you .

However it may be useful for you to go to counselling before making any decisions.

I don’t think I would for my sister but like you I am a Lp but she doesn’t have children

I say this as I live kidney donor

Your first responsibility is to your DD. However I understand that navigating the family politics is tricky and that is or probably what you need advice on. My recommendation would be to put yourself forward for screening and have a frank discussion with the live donation team about your concerns. In your situation it is highly probable that you wouldn’t pass the the psych screening for donation because of your early experiences with your sister anyway.

My experience is that the donor team are 100% supportive of potential donors withdrawing at any point for any reason and they will ‘find’ a medical reason for your donation to be unsuitable - the live donor team is separate to other donor/kidney support teams - their role is to support and advise potential live donors - they’ll Be very experienced in what is needed to prevent a family rift.

If you can’t ‘show willing’ to your family but aren’t able to proceed with donation, they’d cannot blame you. Additionally unless your sister’s blood group is very uncommon it is likely she'll Find a match in the next 4 years

No i wouldn't do it. My priority would be my child

There was a similar thread a while ago- iirc the team that do the tissue testing ask you if you're sure, and if you don't want to donate or have been pressured down the donor route they can say you're not a match, regardless of the result. That would solve the immediate issue.

However by at least appearing to go along with it you're not helping your other DSis who was open and honest about the fact that she wasn't prepared to do this. She might get even more flak if she's seen to be "the one who didn't even try".

Being a donor is a big deal with its own risks, and as a single parent you're being completely reasonable in saying "no". You can't jeopardise your own health when you have a 3yo for someone, I'm sure you know, wouldn't do it for you.

If your DD doesn't have another parent or any siblings, you're it if she needs a kidney one day herself. Your dsis's mum gave her a kidney so she should understand you not wanting to deny your daughter that chance should she ever need it.

Bloody hell Trebla laying on the guilt much? It’s not about a moral judgement there’s so much more to this than the family relationship not least OP’s duty to her own child. You can have high moral standards and not be inclined to give someone a kidney!

I owe it to my daughter not to take this risk for someone with whom I have a very poor relationship

This.

The only person I know who has donated a kidney now has health problems of his own as a result. Not life threatening but definitely affects his quality of life every day.