WIBU to give my estranged sister a kidney?

[Shutupaboutthesun]

My older sister became chronically ill many years ago and needed a kidney transplant from our mother. That kidney is now failing and she will shortly return to dialysis.

I'm asking if it would be unreasonable to give her my kidney, not whether it would be unreasonable NOT to, because of our particular circumstances.

We are low contact and only see each other at big family events. We don't otherwise talk. Her husband recently wrote to me, asking if I would consider donating. Our younger sister got an identical letter - she has already said no.

We (me and younger sis) do not get along with our older sister because she bullied us terribly throughout childhood, physically and psychologically. Both of us have ongoing anxiety and self-esteem issues due to the bullying, which was never stopped or curtailed by our mother (our father left when we were young). DM is still in complete denial about what went on, and characterises the situation as 'you two have always ganged up on her'.

DSis (younger) is in therapy and it was her therapist who advised her to write back immediately saying no to the kidney donation. She then got a horrible letter from older DSis (even though the original letter was from her husband), calling her a selfish person and implying she was a coward and a liar. She said she never wanted to see younger DSis again and would avoid any family gatherings from now on at which she would be present.

After younger DSis showed me that letter, I felt the familiar feeling of panic and helplessness from my childhood, of being trapped with older DSis, unable to get away from her fists and her taunts. I decided that I would say no too as I'll be damned if I'm going to be bullied by her in adulthood as well as childhood.

However, there was also something in the letter that made me pause. DSis has an 8yo daughter and she wrote of how awful it is to have to look at her every day and know that she won't see her grow up. She wrote, 'It is the worst feeling in the world'. This resonated with me as I am sole parent to my 3yo DD. I realised DSis is in an unspeakably awful situation, and the right thing might be to put aside my childhood issues and help her if I can.

Having said that, the fact that my DD doesn't have another parent (father's name not on the birth certificate) makes me hyper-aware of my responsibilities to her. I know the risks from donating a kidney are low, but the risk is still there, and I go back and forth between believing that I owe it to my sister to try to help, and believing that I owe it to my daughter not to take this risk for someone with whom I have a very poor relationship.

I've talked to a number of people about what I should do and they all, except for DM, said I shouldn't offer to donate. DM thinks I should because DSis is very ill, will probably die in the next five years without a new kidney, and there is 'no risk to the donor'. She keeps reassuring me that she has no health issues from donating her own kidney 16 years ago. Friends have said I shouldn't do it because my priority should be DD. GP said the same.

Even so, I keep thinking about it, and last week I almost told DM to tell DSis that I would be willing to get tested to see if I was a match.

I keep swinging back and forth between opposite emotions. Some days I feel guilty about what is happening to DSis, knowing that I could possibly stop it. The brutal fact is, if I don't donate, it means I am willing to sit back and watch my sister slowly die. DM is already full of grief about what is happening and her emotional state will only get worse as DSis deteriorates on dialysis.

Some days I think offering to donate my kidney would be some kind of 'big gesture' I could make to heal our whole family, whereas holding on to it just represents holding on to the bitterness of the past. Then other days I get angry and think, 'fuck it, no, why should I give that bitch my kidney, when she's had more negative effect on my life than any other person?'

I feel very clouded by conflicting emotions and it is hard to see clearly what is the right thing to do.

Constance1234
How is 16 years a short time?

Don’t do it.

As PP’s have said,your priority is your daughter.

I certainly would not do it if I were in your position.

It’s not for you to try and heal any family rift and this wouldn’t solve anything

Dialysis is horrible. DM had it.
Why did you tell anyone you are being tested. You need to keep a distance unless you want guilted by DM.

If I was you I would speak to a knowledgable doctor, so you know the risks and how likely it iwll fix DSis - why did the new kidney stop working?, and how will it impact your life. Maybe start with your GP.

Another important thing is do you have dependents. If you have small DCs who depend on you I think it would influence me to say no.
And why did DSis get it, could there be a genetic link? If so say no.

@LegionOfDoom Ah a previous poster wrote I would consider whether it’s a viable proposition to donate considering the last donor kidney only lasted 8 years and I thought that was something the OP had said! Even with that aside though I still don't think the OP should donate.

Your responsibility is to your daughter. You are her only parent. Regardless of your relationship with your sister your duty is to your daughter.

It’s a No from me.

Do you think she would do the same for you?

Excellent question!

Even if you are a match she will still be on the transplant list . A kidney doesn't gave to conw from you. Personally I think putting yourself through an unnecessary operation is madness with a young child you are sole carer for. I've read stories where it hasnt worked out very well. And of the day though it is your decision and you need to do what's in your best interest.

It doesn’t sound like you are the type of person not to care. Family dynamics can be very strange and even though you strongly dislike your sister you can’t help thinking it might ‘fix’ things. No one can tell you it won’t, you can’t possibly know.
If it was me I’d have to investigate the option further, then at least you can tell yourself you tried your best for her. If you think ull look back and regret it then u owe it to yourself to at least see if ur a match otherwise ull always wonder
Very tough decision, I wish u and ur family all the best

I wouldn't consider donating a kidney to anyone other my dc if there were a risk (I don't know enough about it to comment so I'd probably look into it and would err on the side of caution) because my dc are my priority.

However - your reasoning - your elder sister bullied you as a child when she was a child herself, so she herself was being failed too - no one helped your older sister to deal with life without bullying others and no one protected you and your younger sister. So it might at some point help to start thinking about all of this with your family to see if you can heal the past and forgive.

It sounds like a very difficult situation for all you

A family who used to live near us went through this - one family member was a live donor for another family member and very nearly (this is not an exaggeration - they had to blue light blood and plasma to him on the operating table) died. The recipient is fine. The donor had huge problems and needed a new kidney and has shortened life expectancy.

The facts of that aren't typical BUT personally I would only take the risk for a very close family member.

The problem with getting tested is that if you aren't a match, that takes all the issues away but if you are a match, will that make you feel under even more pressure?

Bonita's reply summed it up very well.
You would be unreasonable to donate your kidney and risk your own health, however small the risk, given the circumstances you describe.

Just say no, she is an unpleasant memory, you don’t want to go back there. This gift would not be without risk to yourself

You do not owe your sister anything. Not because she bullied you or because she’s a horrible person or anything like that - but because you have an absolute right to your own body, and there are no obligations in the world which compromise that.

I also agree with PPs that this will not necessarily heal your family - some people are selfish arseholes to the core, and no amount of selflessness on your part will rehabilitate them. Maybe it would lead to a reconciliation, but maybe your sister would carry on being ungrateful and cruel.

I’m not saying whether you should donate or not - it’s a decision that could only ever be made by you. But please don’t feel compelled to donate because of the expectations other people have about your body. Your right to say no is absolute, and if you do say no, you are not responsible in any way for your sister’s illness.

OP, please do not go and get tested secretly unless you are seriously thinking of doing this. If you got tested and you were a positive match your decision will almost be taken out of your hands. If you feel guilty about this now, you’d end up feeling worse.

With regards to this situation my advice would be to not do this. Concentrate on your own life and daughter!

All the best.

Would you give your kidney to stranger because they have an 8yo and ‘its the worst feeling in the world’ to know they might not see them grow up?
Would you do it if you knew they are a bully/have assaulted someone?
I very much doubt so.

Yes she is your sister however, from what you say, she might as well be a (not very nice) stranger.

Tbh I would be also worried that she is still using emotional manipulation to try and convince you to do something for her but with no care about you.

Thanks very much for the responses.

Her condition is not genetic - she lost her kidneys due to sepsis, which also damaged other parts of her body. She's never been well since - she can't work, and doctors were amazed that she was able to conceive a child at all.

I realise that I am probably not her only option for a kidney. However, in his letter, her husband indicated that she was a poor candidate for the general waiting list, as her antibodies are so high. He wrote that this meant she would likely not be offered a cadaver kidney, and 'her best hope is a well-matched kidney from a related donor'.

I have wondered why he hasn't offered to donate. I asked my DM about it, and she gave me two conflicting answers. First she said he wasn't compatible because DSis would have antibodies for him because she had birthed his child. When I pointed out that they now do 'paired kidney exchanges' (i.e, a willing but incompatible donor can be matched with a recipient who has the same), she said he wasn't a candidate for donation because he has a family history of diabetes. I don't know what to think, and because I don't talk them, I can't ask.

It did occur to me that perhaps he and DSis had decided that they didn't want to risk their DD's other parent, which (if true) makes me angry that they think it's fine to risk my DD's only parent. Or maybe it's really about what he said in the letter - they think that a related donor will give her the best chance.

For all those querying why the current kidney is not lasting, it is not a case that you donate a kidney and it lasts for the rest of the person's life.

Kidneys are not the same as other organs, like livers. Transplant kidneys only have a life expectancy of 10-15 years.

There will be no family healing because your unwell DSis still has not accepted her part in all of the issues and when your other Dsis refused, your Unwell Dsis turned nasty on her. She very much sounds like a toxic person who is nice until she doesn't get what she wants and then reveals her very thinly veiled true colours. Look, your own DOCTOR advised you against it. That's all you need to know.

Kidney donation is not a easy as people seem to think. There are no guarantees. Not all sibling's kidneys are compatible and there is long term implications for the doner's health too. We have had a similar situation in my family. Despite having 5 siblings only one in the family was a suitable doner. For reasons which I won't go into (too outing) this fell through.It was then agreed for the person's spouse to donate. Donated Kidney failed after a week. Another non-related person's kidney was later used and physically the recipient is fine. However they carry a lot of mental baggage around the failed spousal donation, made worse by the fact that their other half is definitely not enjoyed the good health that they had pre-donation. Coincidence maybe? but something to considered.

Quite aside from anything else you are sole parent to a 3 year old, you need to put your daughter first. It’s not an operation without risks and you will need a lot of childcare during and afterwards, also we have 2 kidneys for a reason and going down to just one is not ideal
Nobody other than my dc would get a kidney from me

they think that a related donor will give her the best chance.

And that really comes down to that.
What would be best for her. Not what issues it cause you or your dsis.

She had a child knowing fully well she wasn’t in great health and had many issues. Which means she did so knowing that she might not live as long as you could hope as a parent. It’s shit. But it was her choice too to bring a child in this circumstances.

In your circumstances hell would freeze over before I’d donate a kidney. Your ds is some piece of work. Your priorities lie with your dc not her. Don’t do it, you’ll regret it because she’s a nasty bastard now, having your kidney she’ll still be a nasty bastard 🤷🏼‍♀️

It sounds really hard. I think I would have the test and go from there. Do you know what the chances are of you being a suitable match?

I've rarely read of such a difficult situation, what a dilemma! I have a couple of things to add. Donating a kidney is certainly not risk free and I believe it puts you at higher risk of kidney failure in the future (please check this, don't take my word for it). I lost a kidney to cancer and all I could think was "Thank God I have 2!". What if you got cancer in your remaining kidney? You may well think it'll never happen to you but I never expected it to happen to me either! It's a cancer which is becoming much more common, especially amongst younger people. Nobody knows why. Also, surely your sister is on the donor list and there's a good chance she'll get a kidney that way? My friend's partner had kidney failure and got a kidney. I think she had to wait a year or 18 months but she got one and now has a new lease of life. Good luck with your difficult decision.

You need to get medical advice on this, and not guilt from your mother claiming that there are no health risks. There are health risks. Contact relevant organisations to get impartial advice and speak to friends who are not involved in your family. If you still feel unsure, you could easily use the get out clause of "not being compatible", as many previous commenters have suggested.

There was a thread here within the last year where the OP's husband needed a new kidney, the OP wanted the whole family to sign up one at a time to donate a kidney (since statistically they don't last a whole life - for some reason, IIRC, the OP's husband would probably need a new one every 5-10 years), and she was incensed that not the whole family (his) signed up to that.

There was a lot of useful information in that thread, but sadly I think it was pulled. I remember one article somebody posted where a doctor who'd donated a kidney as a 20-year old talked about it, and said that had he known then how big the risks are, he wouldn't have donated it. IIRC it was partly based on the fact that nobody knows about the long term effects since they haven't taken place long enough for anyone to know if it might have long term effects /threats to life expectancy.

Maybe it rings a bell and someone can find it? I had a quick look at the Guardian, thought it was there, but couldn't find it.

No matter what, don't feel guilty. And do what you need to do to feel good; whether that means being a bit liberal with the truth to your mother/sister. And do be there for your younger sister. Good luck!