WIBU to give my estranged sister a kidney?

[Shutupaboutthesun]

My older sister became chronically ill many years ago and needed a kidney transplant from our mother. That kidney is now failing and she will shortly return to dialysis.

I'm asking if it would be unreasonable to give her my kidney, not whether it would be unreasonable NOT to, because of our particular circumstances.

We are low contact and only see each other at big family events. We don't otherwise talk. Her husband recently wrote to me, asking if I would consider donating. Our younger sister got an identical letter - she has already said no.

We (me and younger sis) do not get along with our older sister because she bullied us terribly throughout childhood, physically and psychologically. Both of us have ongoing anxiety and self-esteem issues due to the bullying, which was never stopped or curtailed by our mother (our father left when we were young). DM is still in complete denial about what went on, and characterises the situation as 'you two have always ganged up on her'.

DSis (younger) is in therapy and it was her therapist who advised her to write back immediately saying no to the kidney donation. She then got a horrible letter from older DSis (even though the original letter was from her husband), calling her a selfish person and implying she was a coward and a liar. She said she never wanted to see younger DSis again and would avoid any family gatherings from now on at which she would be present.

After younger DSis showed me that letter, I felt the familiar feeling of panic and helplessness from my childhood, of being trapped with older DSis, unable to get away from her fists and her taunts. I decided that I would say no too as I'll be damned if I'm going to be bullied by her in adulthood as well as childhood.

However, there was also something in the letter that made me pause. DSis has an 8yo daughter and she wrote of how awful it is to have to look at her every day and know that she won't see her grow up. She wrote, 'It is the worst feeling in the world'. This resonated with me as I am sole parent to my 3yo DD. I realised DSis is in an unspeakably awful situation, and the right thing might be to put aside my childhood issues and help her if I can.

Having said that, the fact that my DD doesn't have another parent (father's name not on the birth certificate) makes me hyper-aware of my responsibilities to her. I know the risks from donating a kidney are low, but the risk is still there, and I go back and forth between believing that I owe it to my sister to try to help, and believing that I owe it to my daughter not to take this risk for someone with whom I have a very poor relationship.

I've talked to a number of people about what I should do and they all, except for DM, said I shouldn't offer to donate. DM thinks I should because DSis is very ill, will probably die in the next five years without a new kidney, and there is 'no risk to the donor'. She keeps reassuring me that she has no health issues from donating her own kidney 16 years ago. Friends have said I shouldn't do it because my priority should be DD. GP said the same.

Even so, I keep thinking about it, and last week I almost told DM to tell DSis that I would be willing to get tested to see if I was a match.

I keep swinging back and forth between opposite emotions. Some days I feel guilty about what is happening to DSis, knowing that I could possibly stop it. The brutal fact is, if I don't donate, it means I am willing to sit back and watch my sister slowly die. DM is already full of grief about what is happening and her emotional state will only get worse as DSis deteriorates on dialysis.

Some days I think offering to donate my kidney would be some kind of 'big gesture' I could make to heal our whole family, whereas holding on to it just represents holding on to the bitterness of the past. Then other days I get angry and think, 'fuck it, no, why should I give that bitch my kidney, when she's had more negative effect on my life than any other person?'

I feel very clouded by conflicting emotions and it is hard to see clearly what is the right thing to do.

No, you have no reason to donate a kidney to a virtual stranger. It is a Big deal and if your relationship isnt good anyway you dont need to go down this route.

My friend has one kidney. Whenever she gets water infections her whole life is at risk. I wouldn't in your shoes, even if you have no longer term health implications the recovery from the op will be hard going and you're a single mum. Plus your own GP has told you not to, and there is reason enough. your mum or sister still try to guilt you knowing that, their behaviour is despicable.

Depending on your world view, it might be interesting for you to talk to somebody knowledgeable in traditional chinese medicine about kidneys. I had a feeling they were related to emotions; a Google says they are related to fear. It may not be your paradigm at all (which is perfectly fine) but it just doesn't seem wise for either of you to be finding that part of you to the person who caused and is still causing you great fear.

Time to put YOU and your daughter first. What's the healthiest thing for you and your daughter? Do that. Xxx

I really don't think 'there's no risk to the donor'. Doesn't it shorten your life? I wouldn't consider risking my life now that I have my own children.

I'd just tell her no and say not to ever bother you about it again. She can have dialysis and go on the general transplant list. If she dies its not your problem. You owe her nothing.

If it was me I'd be inclined to tell her and her husband to piss off.

I think you woudl be counselled against it by the renal team op

Sounds to me like your DM and the nasty letter to your other sister are making you feel under pressure to do this because you want to avoid further conflict. And your doubts about not doing it are basically because you don't want to?

Fwiw I wouldn't do it. And don't let your DM pressure you into anything. It won't heal the rift: the letter to your sister sounds like she feels entitled to a kidney anyway so she'll just carry on as before leaving you to recover. Your DM is behaving awfully to you bu trying to push you into donating. It doesn't sound like she has a particularly positive effect on you if this is typical of her behaviour...

It also sounds like she knows she's been a nasty cow in the past and might have gotten her DH to write the letter to help guilt trip you into doing it?

I wouldn't do it, for two reasons.
Firstly, I wouldn't risk my health/life when I have a DC to care for. Secondly, I'd hate to donate a kidney and then find that my DC needed one, and I didn't have a spare.

Not a chance would I give it to her. Nope.

@Shutupaboutthesun good luck. I wish your and your family happiness and peace forever, but this woman does not deserve your kidney.

Is she going to donate some of her robust self esteem to you? Or, as shown by her behaviour to your other sister, continue to be the same crappy person she always was?

The presence of one of your organs in her body will not change that.

I'm so sorry, but your mum is choosing the most convenient path to her. She doesn't want to lose a child, so she wants you to forget about everything that happened to suit your sister's needs. Part of this will be a realisation that if she hadn't allowed bitchy sister to bully you both, you both might be willing to donate. If you do, then in her head she raised three wonderful girls who would do anything for each other.

The sad truth is, if she had the guts to write to you herself and apologise, and your mum to acknowledge what happened, it would bring you a lot closer to donating, I imagine.

Only you can decide op.

Given you are a single parent, I don't think I could agree to donating a kidney in your position. Your child has to be your priority. With any surgery there are risks.

I am sorry your sister is in such a horrible position, however in your case I think they may need to look at other solutions. ie on the kidney list.

I am amazed they asked you given you are on your own with a child. It is awful for everyone, and your sister is only doing what anyone would do in her position.

If you get tested, and it is successful you will be under even more pressure to say yes. I would simply write back explaining my reasons if you decide you can not do it. Don't feel guilty.

In my mind this isn't even a decision, clearly the answer is no. Why should you take a huge risk for someone who has treated you so badly, possibly making your life/health worse in the long term and taking away the option of helping your daughter should she need a kidney in the future? Yes it's sad that your sister may not be around for her daughter for as long as someone healthy, but she knew that before she decided to have DC, it's not your issue to solve and you shouldn't feel guilty. She is a manipulative shit who feels entitled to your organs, if she didn't feel entitled she wouldn't have gone off on one at your sister when she refused, and now she is trying to guilt trip you. I also think getting some counselling may be useful, guilt is very powerful and often misplaced.

Do you think she would do the same for you?

I wouldn’t even consider it. Judging by the letter your sister has written to your younger sister after she’d said no, I don’t think she has changed much since childhood.

I agree that your responsibility to your daughter comes first. Even if you were devoted to your older sister and loved her dearly it wouldn’t change your responsibility to your daughter and I am sure that deep down your mum and sister will know that even though it’s hard to accept at the moment.

From the medical side, my family is in a very similar position as my DH is in need of a kidney transplant again, although we do not have the same family dynamic and we are all very close.

Depending on the condition, it is not unusual for a new transplant to be needed and they hope a new kidney will last around 10 years.

Your sister will be on the donor list for a kidney, but they then look at living donors as well as that is quicker and easier to find a match.

If you even wanted to, you would have to go through matching to see if you are a match and then have to go through a couple of days of tests to see if you and your kidney are up to it. Only if you pass all of that and are willing do you then have to have meeting to make sure you are happy with donating as well.

Donating is a lovely thing to do, but you cannot do it in the hope that it will heal your family as it will not. You are to an extent donating to a stranger and if that is the way your relationship is, she will take the kidney and then go back to her separate life.

You may not even be eligible to donate. As you have a 3yo I am guessing you are younger. Is there a chance you will want another child in the future? If so, they will not let you donate - my SIL is only allowed to be tested as she does not want children, but they would not let her donate last time because she was younger and in case she changed her mind about children as it is dangerous to have a pregnancy with 1 kidney (obviously people do, but they will not let you donate if you want more children).

I don’t think I would.
There are risks to you from the initial operation, as with all general anaesthetics, or possible complications during or after the surgery. Plus you’re left with one kidney, so what if her condition is genetic, and you develop a problem with your remaining kidney, or your child does?
There is still presumably the chance of your sister getting a donor kidney from elsewhere, so try not to feel as if her life is in your hands.

The whole "no risk to donor" is an out and out lie being peddled by someone terribly unkind and unfeeling. Your Mum is putting a revolting kind of pressure on your shoulders and, frankly, since she couldn't protect you as children has very little right to dictate to you how you ought to behave as adults.

Ultimately your child is your focus. Do you have a support network to take care of her for the two months you'll spend recovering from the surgery (and regardless of what your Mum might think kidney donor surgery is huge)? Do you feel that she'd cope with the impact of your surgery?

In your shoes I think the only person I'd donate to is your child. This woman has spent a lifetime being unkind to you and now expects you to hand over part of your body because you're "family". She's not your family. She's not even a friend. I'd think very hard about how you'd feel if you went through all of the trauma and stress of surgery and recovery and your Mum and Sister still behaved like arseholes.

I think the risks here are too high personally.You and your younger DS have had years of bullying to put up with .Its always interesting how parents can sometimes dismiss bullying between siblings as children. Then be surprised that they are not close when adults!.Apart from that your DC needs you ,as someone has already said ,donors can have a hard time of it as well!.There is a reason we have 2 kidneys ,if one failed we have a "spare" as it were.My own son was born with a blocked kidney ,and I was told by the medical team that implications if it had not been treated would be severe.You are not a bad person at all .I would write to her explaining my reasons ,and also say your GP is against it.If you went through with it and your relationship was no better I think you would feel resentful TBH

Dear OP,
I am sorry that you are in such a difficult position. In your circumstances I would not donate. This is for several reasons. You are a single parent without the support of your family and therefore your first and most absolute responsibility is to your daughter. The relationship you have with your mother and older sister is damaging to you and it will not be changed by your donation. If anything you will be drawn further into a toxic situation which will also be made much more difficult for your younger sister. The final reason is that despite what your mother is claiming a live, related kidney donation is NOT your sisters only option. As a PP stated there are options for unrelated matches thanks to the advances in transplant medicine and there is also the chance of a deceased donor. Whilst this may take longer than a live donor the possibility is still there.

I totally agree with pps your first responsibility is your child.

If a donated kidney is already failing, it’s quite possible that the next one will too.

She can go on a transplant list and your DM will just have to get over it.

If I didn't particularly like someone I wouldn't give them one of my organs.

What if your own daughter needs a kidney one day?

Also, you do realise that donating yours is NOT going to change your sister into the sister you always wanted her to be?

Do you know why your mother's donated kidney is failing after such a short time. Seems that there is no guarantee that if you donated a kidney that it wouldn't fail in her after a few years too. What about if your daughter or other sister needed a donated kidney in the future?

Your sister is an mean bully whose response to your other sister makes it clear that she feels entitled to one of the family's kidneys. Unfortunately her past behaviour needs to teach her that actions have consequences.

Just because your mother has had no issues after her donation (although after only 8 years surely it is too early to tell), doesn't mean that you wont, and your daughter needs her mother more than your sister needs your kidney!

I would be SO tempted to tell that you would have donated, but after reading her nasty response to your other sister, you've changed your mind.

I don't think you should. Rifts aside, the implications it could have on your own child far outweigh the benefits of potentially helping the estranged sister who made your childhood miserable.

You have your DC to think about. If you were childless I would still say no. Dsis may have a child of her own and the situation is sad, but I wouldn't give up my own good health to help someone who had caused me such trauma. I think it's unfair of her to even ask given your history. She knows it will be a no and is looking for further ways to upset you, even now.