My older sister became chronically ill many years ago and needed a kidney transplant from our mother. That kidney is now failing and she will shortly return to dialysis.
I'm asking if it would be unreasonable to give her my kidney, not whether it would be unreasonable NOT to, because of our particular circumstances.
We are low contact and only see each other at big family events. We don't otherwise talk. Her husband recently wrote to me, asking if I would consider donating. Our younger sister got an identical letter - she has already said no.
We (me and younger sis) do not get along with our older sister because she bullied us terribly throughout childhood, physically and psychologically. Both of us have ongoing anxiety and self-esteem issues due to the bullying, which was never stopped or curtailed by our mother (our father left when we were young). DM is still in complete denial about what went on, and characterises the situation as 'you two have always ganged up on her'.
DSis (younger) is in therapy and it was her therapist who advised her to write back immediately saying no to the kidney donation. She then got a horrible letter from older DSis (even though the original letter was from her husband), calling her a selfish person and implying she was a coward and a liar. She said she never wanted to see younger DSis again and would avoid any family gatherings from now on at which she would be present.
After younger DSis showed me that letter, I felt the familiar feeling of panic and helplessness from my childhood, of being trapped with older DSis, unable to get away from her fists and her taunts. I decided that I would say no too as I'll be damned if I'm going to be bullied by her in adulthood as well as childhood.
However, there was also something in the letter that made me pause. DSis has an 8yo daughter and she wrote of how awful it is to have to look at her every day and know that she won't see her grow up. She wrote, 'It is the worst feeling in the world'. This resonated with me as I am sole parent to my 3yo DD. I realised DSis is in an unspeakably awful situation, and the right thing might be to put aside my childhood issues and help her if I can.
Having said that, the fact that my DD doesn't have another parent (father's name not on the birth certificate) makes me hyper-aware of my responsibilities to her. I know the risks from donating a kidney are low, but the risk is still there, and I go back and forth between believing that I owe it to my sister to try to help, and believing that I owe it to my daughter not to take this risk for someone with whom I have a very poor relationship.
I've talked to a number of people about what I should do and they all, except for DM, said I shouldn't offer to donate. DM thinks I should because DSis is very ill, will probably die in the next five years without a new kidney, and there is 'no risk to the donor'. She keeps reassuring me that she has no health issues from donating her own kidney 16 years ago. Friends have said I shouldn't do it because my priority should be DD. GP said the same.
Even so, I keep thinking about it, and last week I almost told DM to tell DSis that I would be willing to get tested to see if I was a match.
I keep swinging back and forth between opposite emotions. Some days I feel guilty about what is happening to DSis, knowing that I could possibly stop it. The brutal fact is, if I don't donate, it means I am willing to sit back and watch my sister slowly die. DM is already full of grief about what is happening and her emotional state will only get worse as DSis deteriorates on dialysis.
Some days I think offering to donate my kidney would be some kind of 'big gesture' I could make to heal our whole family, whereas holding on to it just represents holding on to the bitterness of the past. Then other days I get angry and think, 'fuck it, no, why should I give that bitch my kidney, when she's had more negative effect on my life than any other person?'
I feel very clouded by conflicting emotions and it is hard to see clearly what is the right thing to do.