To be the "meh" friend?

[TheMehFriend]

I'm wondering if I am indeed, unreasonable!

I am the "meh" friend. Or at least I think I am. By that I mean my friends mean more to me than I do to them. They all have much closer friends than me. I am never any friend's bridesmaid, god parent to any friend's child, never the first to know any news.

I don't mean it in a pathetic, whiny way. It's a simple fact. My friendships date back 10years and they tend to be an even mix of me contacting them or the other way round. Similar amount of effort put into the friendship etc. So actually, I am very lucky to have steady friendships. However all my friends have "better" friends than me or friendships that date back 20years.

I feel like the friend that nobody would really miss. More a "oh I haven't heard from meh for a while" friend. It does lead to cycles of resentment from me. I'm having one today. Even "meh" friends have feelings and limits. Nobody remembered my birthday, that is the catalyst. Every year, people I have known 10years forget my birthday.

Are you a "meh" friend? How do you go beyond this? Am I actually being unreasonable and may be more valued than I think?

I totally get this. I am also the ‘meh’ friend. If I dropped off a cliff I doubt any of them would notice. I’ve come to realise that they actually aren’t friends at all - even acquaintances is pushing it in some cases. I’ve never been anyone’s bridesmaid, godmother etc. If anyone has news I usually here it second or third hand. My birthday is always forgotten. Granted, it’s at a shit time of year, but another person in my previous social circle had a birthday 10 days later and there was always a big fuss made.

I’ve mostly given up now. It’s fucking lonely, but I’d rather that to constantly feeling neglected or left out.

You're putting too much emphasis on length of time you've known people/been friends with them. This doesn't mean they're good friends. Spend time without them and with new people making new friends. Dont let them make you feel bad about yourself.

Oh Lady I think mine are definitely real friendships rather than acquaintances. I think that is because I got rid of the friends who really weren't real friends. I have a very small group.

Just a bit sad today. People always think I don't mind. You know, the "oh you understand, I'm going to have XX as bridesmaid because she is my oldest friend"..."of course" I reply, my smile permanently attached! I wonder what would happen if one day I burst into tears and stamped my feet

Do you mark your friends’ birthdays in any way?

You're putting too much emphasis on length of time you've known people/been friends with them.

True, probably because they all have lots of friends from school. I hated school so didn't keep in touch with anyone.

I think they would be quite upset if they realised how I feel.

I only have one friend really. No one else seems to bother with me - I have acquaintances.

This is why i dont bother with most people

Fellow meh friend here.

But I have anxiety and it can really affect how I think people see me, so I'm terrible for distancing myself from people out of fear of annoying them

Yes depending on the friend, I either send a card or at least send a text on birthdays. I sometimes get text messages a week after my birthday apologising for missing it...

I have a feeling I'm the meh friend as well.

for the meh friends!

Meh friend here too..

Very jealous when I see other of my friends out n about having fun.....

I try not to but... Sometimes it just sticks in your craw.

I have a person who i think of as a bestie at the moment but she's going to Move soon and she has masses of friends and grew up where she's moving to. I just know she'll be leaving me behind..

😢😢😢

I’m the meh friend as well.
I don’t have any friends from school that I still keep in contact with other than Facebook
I have ‘friends’ that are other mums at school that I’ve known for 10 years. I get invited on group nights out but not weekends away where it’s only a couple of people.
Thinking of my ‘closest’ friends, one still lives here where she grew up and is stil best friends with her little group of friends she’s known since primary school, another has her family/sisters/friends from school about 20-30 min away so she does a lot with them, another are a little trio that do their own thing mainly.
Like you said, I’m not anyone’s first choice!! I know people will come on this thread and say ‘we’ll do you invite them/make an effort’ and yes I do/have, I’ve made birthday cakes and arranged nights out and babysat kids and texted and chatted etc

Aw, I know how that feels! I always feel that when a friend starts a new phase of their life, I will be saying goodbye to them. Sometimes it is temporary though. Friendships take work, try to keep in touch with your friend and give it a chance. You never know!

Like you said, I’m not anyone’s first choice!! I know people will come on this thread and say ‘we’ll do you invite them/make an effort’ and yes I do/have,

Yup, agree. I see my friends a lot but I just cannot compete with the experiences they had with other friends at school or on holiday. I don't have that depth and you can't force it. It isn't for want of trying and clearly it is not uncommon! But sad that so many people feel like me.

I can totally relate.

I was quite ill last year - in a bad way and pretty much dropped off the face of the earth for six months. Had a few texts to ask if I was ok but no real concern, no visits, no cards, no flowers. I am the one who does this for everyone else.

My sister visited every day, I am really lucky to have her.

Is it your birthday today? If so, Happy Birthday OP
I discovered I was the ‘meh’ friend at the weekend. Bloody hurt at the time, but I now know where I stand so I won’t feel so bad not putting the effort in for this particular friend anymore.

I am the one who does this for everyone else.

I learnt to stop this...people don't appreciate it. Sorry to hear you were I'll

I'm the meh friend too. We should start a club.

I also get the "Well I've known them since school" thing (I also hated school, moved away for college but always got dropped for people that they've known since nursery)

I'm not too bothered by people any more. But at times it hits hard.

I was a 'meh' friend, I always made the effort with them, if I didnt, I would never hear from them.
I was mortified one year when I for got one of their birthdays, I was about to ring and apologise and thought, hang on, they would have arranged to go out, surely one of them would have let me know.
I decided to not ring and see if they would make the effort, they never bothered.
About 2 months later I saw one of their boyfriends who commented that they had said they never hear from me any more. I described to him that for 10 yrs I made all the effort and they never returned the effort. I explained that I did miss and they knew where I was all they had to to was return some of the effort. To this day They never bothered.
Friendship works both ways, I gave, they took and since then I just havent bothered.
Luckily for me I'm quite happy with my own company.

Same here.
One good thing is I never have to do any of those Facebook challenge thingies like having a bucket of water over you because I'm never one of the two or three people nominated.

I am the meh friend AND family member! My own mother didn't even text me!

In fact, I don't have anyone I would call a close friend. Or even people I really speak to much - certainly not in more than a superficial way. Haven't been out in years. And family don't live in this country.

Cheers to the meh! It ain't that bad really. At least you can do what you want when you want!

It would make me so upset if one of my friends felt like you.
When I moved to another country many years ago (single at the time) just a few weeks before my birthday, I didn't know anyone. I bought an amusingly large cake, brought it to my workplace and announced it was my birthday. Everyone came over, said happy birthday, ate cake. A few work colleagues took me out that night (after asking whether I had plans).
I know your situation is different, but being honest about how you feel with your friends may change things. They may think you are busy with things, have other things going on, or frankly just be a bit thoughtless. Being open and vulnerable usually leads to deeper friendships.
Happy birthday

I'm the meh friend too.
My issue is I don't fit into a friendship group, I have a friend here and a friend there. Luckily I have a couple of fantastic friends, the rest are ok. My wonderful best friend died a couple of years ago and it's been hard and lonely since,

High Five to all the Mehs. I have to make all the contact as well.