To be the "meh" friend?

[TheMehFriend]

I'm wondering if I am indeed, unreasonable!

I am the "meh" friend. Or at least I think I am. By that I mean my friends mean more to me than I do to them. They all have much closer friends than me. I am never any friend's bridesmaid, god parent to any friend's child, never the first to know any news.

I don't mean it in a pathetic, whiny way. It's a simple fact. My friendships date back 10years and they tend to be an even mix of me contacting them or the other way round. Similar amount of effort put into the friendship etc. So actually, I am very lucky to have steady friendships. However all my friends have "better" friends than me or friendships that date back 20years.

I feel like the friend that nobody would really miss. More a "oh I haven't heard from meh for a while" friend. It does lead to cycles of resentment from me. I'm having one today. Even "meh" friends have feelings and limits. Nobody remembered my birthday, that is the catalyst. Every year, people I have known 10years forget my birthday.

Are you a "meh" friend? How do you go beyond this? Am I actually being unreasonable and may be more valued than I think?

Hello fellow Mehs,
After spending last week feeling incredibly down I've tried to pick myself up this week! Today I decided to sit outside of my department. Yes, I sat with a different department of acquaintances for lunch. My department noticed and I got some funny looks but I decided to embrace the fact that I don't belong to a group. Why should I feel I have to sit with people who I don't quite fit in with?

It feels empowering to be honest. None of them of close friends so I will feel free to socialise with other people. With no expectations of course!

I hope those of you who are also feeling down manage to turn it around

Lone wolf in a pack of one here!

Also meh person. I really don't mind though. Chat to mums in the playground but don't tend to get invited to much. My response: start a hobby...create new social circles!

@user1493423934 My kids come back to me on a Sunday teatime so Sunday can be a long day.
I've started to set a time limit on my moping/thinking about doing jobs which never get done till lunchtime and then walk into town to get some human interaction, albeit from the girls behind the Costa counter.
Good way to kill a few hours of alone time but not feeling like you're alone x

Thanks LMN was feeling a bit down yesterday. I hate being a part time mother. Themehfriend good on you for hanging out with another dept . .. sometimes it just takes small changes to step out of your comfort zone.

We should all meet up and be the meh group

I’d still be the meh one of the meh group. I don’t really like going to gatherings now as I always seem to be edged out of a group or ignored and end up on my own looking like Billy no mates (which I suppose I am!). meh

Yes! Leeds anyone? 😂

Do you know what I actually feel less like the meh friend these days than I used to and in my earlier years I think it was down to social awkwardness on my part. I still sometimes get nervous with people I don’t know. I have a mid level / semi senior position in a professional firm, supervise and give training talks, I don’t get nervous for interviews and that kind of thing but then I don’t know what to say to the neighbours, for example, who I don’t know well as we haven’t lived here long. But people who know me consider me to be a confident person. Is that where being me comes from? Lack of confidence? Did someone above use the phrase confident introvert was it? I think I’m like that...

@AliceRR ... I am near Leeds 😉
I too am very confident with people I don't know and will talk to anyone but think my "friends" have an opinion of me which makes me very introvert 🤔

I was the meh. Not getting support over a bullying, harassing ex, with him going to socials, posting on Facebook etc, alongside them, was bloody awful. Sorry OP, I know it can be tough going & hurtful. But like others, going NC & not having friends hurts lots less, honestly! My self esteem is just starting to really get back on track. For my 40th I was dreading another celebration alone, so I took myself off for a week to Iceland! No more waiting around on others :) It's helped me get better at boundaries with family/demanding & mean father & critical brother, don't pander to others half as much now. Much recommended to others who are very anxious over friendship dynamics.

I think subconsciously we do tend to recreate childhood/schoolyard dynamics

If our parents weren't that sociable (or emotionally neglectful) or we weren't generally good at connecting with people, we then can get "locked into" a cycle of people-pleasing, trying to fit into groups and people who we KNOW don't have our best interests at heart.

When I look back to my 20's I was genuinely what I thought of as a "nice" person (I was very giving, tried to "do the right thing", tried to "show female solidarity, organised stuff...).

I was basically treated like s**t by a lot of social groups. Maybe it was a combination of resentment and me projecting a "try too hard" vibe - if someone rejected me or "tested my boundaries" I wouldn't detach.

It is hard to meet people after a certain age, especially if you haven't had that solid university social group or aren't in a "vocational" career like medicine or something.

I'm older and uglier and poorer and happier now, and tbh now I've got a vibe of "my own goals come first", I'm a lot happier .

I don't mean I trample on little old ladies to get my way, but I've stopped trying so hard with people.

What's horrible is how a lot of others (often women for some reason -busybodies basically) try to "shame" other women into wifework by insisting we have to be "sociable organiser types" even if we're introverts and happier solo for whatever reason?

Like it's better to be the "gamma friend" who is treated like shit than to sit alone on a Friday night with a good book and a latte? Fuck that noise. It's also damaging to your self-esteem and MH to put yourself into situations you don't enjoy.

I also agree with stuff like going on holiday alone. One thing I have got planned is doing "singles holidays".

I don't mean 18-30 Magaluf

But if you google you can find lots of really nice, cultured holidays designed for solo travellers who are 30+ or 40+ and specifically for those who want to be in a group but also have the ability to do their own thing if they want to.

(obviously they aren't aimed just for dating, but it does happen - I do think Mariella Frostrup met her partner on one of these?)

I'd much rather save up £1000 to go on one of these and look forward to new experiences than fritter away lots of money on trying to fit in with the whole "nights out with the girls" thing.

@Pearlymates Spot On.

@Pearlymates totally agree and I think you sound like you've got it worked out and know what's important. I'd like to be where you are.

@Pearlymates - Thanks for your posting your positive thoughts 😊
I have come to terms now that I will probably be holidaying alone and I'm feeling quite good about it 😬
I did ask a friend of mine if I could join her and her other friends but they had already booked and it would have been way too expensive to add me on. The funny thing is that I actually don't care for her friends that much but was willing to put up with them for the sake of not being alone ! I should decide where I want to go and just go .... Iceland sounds wonderful although I would love some sun on my back whilst reading a good book.
Happy Sunday everyone x

OP, your 'friends' aren't your friends if they can't even remember your birthday.

I understand what you're saying and how you feel, I've been there, but you can find much better, real friends. If I was you I would cut your losses and get our there, make new friends and don't be the 'meh friend'. You're worth more than that.

Yep, that's definitely me. But what I've realised over the years is that I don't give that much to friendships either.

I have a very time-consuming full time job and in my free time I prioritise family over friends. I don't phone friends frequently and although I do remember birthdays etc I would never be the one organising big celebrations for others. I'm a natural introvert and back off from friendships that become too intense.

I wonder if that's you too? I suppose what I'm saying is that you get out what you put in and although I sometimes feel disappointed that I don't have closer friendships and have never been bridesmaid/godparent etc., I have over the years realised that this is probably my own doing.

I know what you mean OP! I sometimes feel that way too. My school friends are all much closer to their uni friends and my uni friends are all much closer to their school friends. I often feel I don't have a solid friendship group and it hurts.

I'm always the one to rally round friends, cheer them up, check up on them etc but when I went through a horrible break up which truly floored me, only one person bothered to check in with me. I think what makes my situation worse is both friendship groups are all solidly couples and do all of their socialising in couples and spend all/most of their free time with their partners.

I'm contemplating going on holiday by myself, which I was a bit sad about at first, but there are actually lots of positives to it!

This is me too. I have groups of mums who I meet up with regularly and a hobbie which takes up quite a lot of time, but i was thinking only yesterday and feeling quite red up, if I didn't contact any of them, would anyone bother to contact me? Probably not. I think i tend to think.of.someone as.a friend, when I am not that high on their friend list. I also don't keep in contact with people from.school\ people who have known for years and years, so not sure if this is the problem.