To be the "meh" friend?

[TheMehFriend]

I'm wondering if I am indeed, unreasonable!

I am the "meh" friend. Or at least I think I am. By that I mean my friends mean more to me than I do to them. They all have much closer friends than me. I am never any friend's bridesmaid, god parent to any friend's child, never the first to know any news.

I don't mean it in a pathetic, whiny way. It's a simple fact. My friendships date back 10years and they tend to be an even mix of me contacting them or the other way round. Similar amount of effort put into the friendship etc. So actually, I am very lucky to have steady friendships. However all my friends have "better" friends than me or friendships that date back 20years.

I feel like the friend that nobody would really miss. More a "oh I haven't heard from meh for a while" friend. It does lead to cycles of resentment from me. I'm having one today. Even "meh" friends have feelings and limits. Nobody remembered my birthday, that is the catalyst. Every year, people I have known 10years forget my birthday.

Are you a "meh" friend? How do you go beyond this? Am I actually being unreasonable and may be more valued than I think?

I am this friend too. I never got nominated for those facebook challenges. I have had what I thought were best friends, then they find somebody else better and I'm the third wheel

I'm also meh sister, nominated to sort favours, do errands, look after elderly family, will be the looking after person in times of strife but then I realised, none of them was prepared to check up on me when I was struggling. I got to the point where I was saying to myself "I look after everybody but who looks after me' Err Nobody.

I am currently no contact with most of my family. It is OK actually.

I am now investing in the people that I want to invest in and not in the ones which give me little return. Op, you need to do this, as forgetting birthdays is poor show.

If you are a similar personality, you will dislike being the centre of attention so I don't get any at all! Not sure how to reconcile that!

I am definitely the meh friend, and friend is stretching it massively - I only really have acquaintances.

Forget never being asked to be a bridesmaid, I've never ever been invited to a wedding that wasn't a cousin!! When I here people talking about 'wedding season' I do think, really?!

I get on with loads of people, but as pp have said everyone has someone else. I'm just used to it now 😕

Oh I get this. Totally.

I think I am a bit of a meh friend, but I am going to agree with PPs and say that in some cases at least, it's our fault.

I recently went out for an impromptu drink with a work friend whom I really like and respect - but who isn't very close (like most of my friends) and she actually commented that she was having a great time and that I am sort of a cool person (as in inaccessible, closed off).

Then she stopped by my desk for a chat a day or two later and I was like oh, hey, why are you here stupid self.

Point being, I think others are right that it takes a real leap into vulnerability to make close friends!

For all of you, thought I'd cover all tastes! I think that being made to feel like you don't matter is shit. So even though we are strangers and its only for a moment, I am thinking of you and I think you are all lovely and deserve much much more.

@TheMehFriend me too. I am the meh friend. Its a hard place to be. Hug.

And I totally get the resentment thing . I go in cycles of giving and then pulling away because it hurts when thought isn't reciprocated.

Its hard being an introvert.

*Blessthekids

flowers cake wine cake gin

For all of you, thought I'd cover all tastes! I think that being made to feel like you don't matter is shit. So even though we are strangers and its only for a moment, I am thinking of you and I think you are all lovely and deserve much much more.*

How lovely, thank you

happy birthday OP!

I totally get where you're all coming from and like that there's a description. "meh". i know loads of people and feel like I get on with everyone but don't feel very close to anyone. feel like I'm there for lots of people but no one I could call on.... except my dh.but even then he's a bit of a man about emotional stuff and can only tolerate do much of my chat.

at the weekend we were seeing some friends and someone who is one of my closer friends chose to sit across the room from me rather than sitting next to me for a chat. that made me a bit sad

TheMehFriend
Me too - I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of friends I have (and all of them are family members who I’ve known all my life).
I have lots of acquaintances but no real friends outside of family.
But I am a bit weird. I’m beginning to understand that I’m not wired quite like others.

I'm the meh friend, family member and sibling! Sometimes not even sure I'm kit the meh wife . I'm what I would consider a nice person and I always make the effort to try and make people happy.

My parents prefer my brother because he doesn't have health conditions - he's the "normal one". My "friends" don't bother with me because I have kids and all but one are childless.

@Dippypippy1980 I nearly died - several times last year and none of my friends came to see me!

@ChimesAtMidnight I'm the same!

@gaelicgirl My SIL has "wedding season" and is always doing something sociable.

I am an amazing friend butvwould come over all Meh to you
I work crazy Ft and need all my energy to get through precious evenings with the kids
I don’t forget birthdays but I don’t text on time or send cards... I have literally hundreds of indent cards readybtongonto people. I could get more organised but I’m just not mentally there atm.
So to me you’re not u loved or under appreciated but I need you to expect less from me

TBH in adult life I think most people have enough trouble remembering their own family's birthdays, let alone their friends', so I don't think it means you're not valued.

I agree with this. I have friends whom I absolutely love but due to distance/busy lives, we may not speak or text for weeks, let alone remember birthdays. It doesn't mean that I don't care, it's just a busy life and having children under 18 who take up a lot of time!

We scarcely do anything for adult birthdays anymore, as we don't need gifts and no one wants to be reminded of how old they are. Although I'm going to celebrate my next big birthday (50) in style, I like a good party.

I am a MEH friend too. I am never the main friend. I have 2 good friends but its a typical threesime and I feel that am the also- ran. Been to a funeral today and was awed at how many people attended, stood at the back whilst others stood in foyer /outside ect cannot imagine that many attending for me. My husband who has a very responsible job, feels the same and we both acknowledge that maybe we need to make more effort to be sociable. I am a health care professional and really enjoy my own and OH company in our downtime. Sometimes this does make for a lonely life especially when OH has to meetings away but maybe we need to consider forging more friendships both together and separate. Maybe OP you could join groups ect where you instigate friendship.

I was always the meh friend. Used to hurt seeing pictures of group nights out that I hadn't been invited to. Called them out on it once when I wasn't invited to a friend's surprise baby shower. They mumbled something about how her sister had organised it. But the sister would have had the guest list from one of the group. These were my local friends and I thought I was one of the group.

Then there's the friends I went to school with. Who for a long time were my closest friends. But they never acknowledged my birthday ever. Not even a text, despite me always sending a card and a message on theirs.

So about three years ago I decided to do an experiment. I stopped messaging everybody. Every single person. Waited to see if anyone messaged me. The ones I expected to hear from came through and all but one of the ones I knew wouldn't bother never did. And nor did I.

I have three best friends. These ladies would go to the ends of the earth for me and they know they could come to me for anything. I always wondered how to be the popular one who was invited on group holidays. Now I know that that isn't really me anyway and I'd much rather concentrate on the quality of a smaller number of friendships.

I spent too long being the meh friend. I refuse to do it anymore.

PS. Deactivating Facebook was also one of the best things I ever did. I decided then that if I'm going to be excluded, I'd rather not know. These days I don't give a hoot.

im a meh person and i actually like it....no one bothers me

Really glad you started this. I thought it was just me. Also the meh sibling and "friend". My birthday recently. DS sent a text late in the evening, DB forgot... again...
Rarely hear from one friend who cancels virtually every time I phone to arrange to meet and we end up having to reschedule. Not entirely sure who I'd contact in an emergency that's not my mum...
It's a really odd feeling putting this in a post

I think I've found my home. I am a meh acquaintance i think rather than a meh friend. I get on really well with people at work, but not well enough to go for a drink.

It does make me sad .

Yes! I totally relate to this! I’m the Meh friend. Never got nominated for those Facebook challenges so I just deactivated Facebook as it was too upsetting to never be included! I always organise social things but I feel that everyone I know has a BFF. I’m nobody’s Go To person. I don’t know how you get to be that person! I think I live in the wrong area to be honest. I need a fresh start maybe somewhere where not everyone has a bestie group of friends they made at school/NCT.

Thank you for this post OP. I'm fortunate to have two best friends (ironically from school) who always include me in everything but reading this thread has been very eye opening for me as I'm thinking about my friends from work and other friendships I've made over the last few years and hoping they dont feel the way many of you do. I'll need to be more mindful of how I treat them.
You all deserve a true friend who remembers your birthday and calls you first when they gave news etc. Perhaps that's your partner or husband at least?

The meh friend, that’s what I am! I was thinking along these lines last night when I couldn’t sleep but didn’t have a name for it. Meh, perfect. I have a few friends (or so I thought) but realised no one contacts me except for one. But then she had a big family party recently and on seeing the photos I noticed some of our mutual friends there but I obviously didn’t make it on her list - not that I wanted to go, it just hurt a bit that others were there but not me. Meh.

I find Facebook is the only way to remember birthdays or have people remember yours.

I always had a best friend at school and miss not having that as an adult but I accept that now and just have more friends but more like drinking buddies and don't see them as often. I tend to make whoever I'm dating into my going out best friend and then have kept a few on as mates when it didn't last.