To be the "meh" friend?

[TheMehFriend]

I'm wondering if I am indeed, unreasonable!

I am the "meh" friend. Or at least I think I am. By that I mean my friends mean more to me than I do to them. They all have much closer friends than me. I am never any friend's bridesmaid, god parent to any friend's child, never the first to know any news.

I don't mean it in a pathetic, whiny way. It's a simple fact. My friendships date back 10years and they tend to be an even mix of me contacting them or the other way round. Similar amount of effort put into the friendship etc. So actually, I am very lucky to have steady friendships. However all my friends have "better" friends than me or friendships that date back 20years.

I feel like the friend that nobody would really miss. More a "oh I haven't heard from meh for a while" friend. It does lead to cycles of resentment from me. I'm having one today. Even "meh" friends have feelings and limits. Nobody remembered my birthday, that is the catalyst. Every year, people I have known 10years forget my birthday.

Are you a "meh" friend? How do you go beyond this? Am I actually being unreasonable and may be more valued than I think?

I don't really relate to the 'meh' thing, but I don't celebrate my friends' birthdays nor they mine any more, it really all fizzled out around late-thirties/forty when everyone had little kids. I do get FB birthday wishes and send those myself but I haven't had a card, nor sent one, for a nonfamily member for a decade at least.

So don't go off that!

Another meh here.

I hate reading all those online memes & meaningful messages about cutting toxic people out of your life and only allowing in the ones who really care about you...like who?

OP I mean this in a helpful way, but honestly this is such a load of self-indulgent twaddle!! You have friendships, that’s wonderful. Enjoy your friendship for what they are and quit overthinking things that are inconsequential. Obsessing over people remembering your birthday as an adult is pointless - organise something if you fancy celebrating with your friends else just leave it. Just genuinely chill out and don’t give any headspace to this sort of thinking because it won’t lead anywhere helpful or healthy.

Another fellow meh friend. I'm not sure what causes this- are we lacking in anything? And is there a way we could all become each others main friends? 😂

I was a meh friend. Like you I was always the one texting, visiting etc. One day, 6 years ago, I had enough and cut contact with all of them. I'm not a meh friend anymore, but it is lonely sometimes not having any.

Sounds cheesy, but I am my own best friend. I have been the meh friend most of my life but called time on it. I decided to embrace it and actually you lose a lot of drama and noise, and now I prefer being a lone wolf. I no longer want or need any close friends, I prefer to be aloof and please myself.

I like what a PP said....I zig when other people zag!

I'm a meh friend too. It used to bother me, but these days it doesn't. I try to look on the plus side which is that being a meh friend is better than having no friends - which is easily possible if you are a boring person like me. So it could be much worse.

The other plus sides are if you are invited out and don't want to go, you don't have to feel bad as no one would miss you anyway.

I went to a wedding once where friend A was the maid of honour for friend B. A year later A was getting married, and B not only wasn't MOH but didn't even make it as a bridesmaid (and there were 3 of them, and none of them were A's sisters/cousins etc). I felt really embarrassed for B. Talk about a meh friend.

OP I mean this in a helpful way, but honestly this is such a load of self-indulgent twaddle!! You have friendships, that’s wonderful. Enjoy your friendship for what they are and quit overthinking things that are inconsequential. Obsessing over people remembering your birthday as an adult is pointless - organise something if you fancy celebrating with your friends else just leave it. Just genuinely chill out and don’t give any headspace to this sort of thinking because it won’t lead anywhere helpful or healthy.

I was waiting for a post like this! Just surprised it took so long! You make a perfectly valid point but I do object to you not reading the full thread, where I mention that it really isn't about my birthday as that is just a trigger point.

Suggesting I am "obsessing" is rather unpleasant. It suggests I spend all day every day feeling this way and I don't so please don't minimise my feelings. I am allowed to have a moment of sadness. You are right, it would be nice to not worry about this kind of stuff but, as this thread shows, I think most people do worry about friendships.

Well, fellow "meh" friends, I hope you all have a lovely day today being "meh". I have been invited round to see a friend's new baby tonight. I am 5th on the list of people to meet her. Not bad eh Lets try to be kind to ourselves today

The other plus sides are if you are invited out and don't want to go, you don't have to feel bad as no one would miss you anyway.

Excellent point!

Thank you for this post OP. I'm fortunate to have two best friends (ironically from school) who always include me in everything but reading this thread has been very eye opening for me as I'm thinking about my friends from work and other friendships I've made over the last few years and hoping they dont feel the way many of you do. I'll need to be more mindful of how I treat them.
You all deserve a true friend who remembers your birthday and calls you first when they gave news etc. Perhaps that's your partner or husband at least?

Thanks Cathy Happy to spread the 'meh' word. Yes dh is my best friend thankfully. He said to me "I'm also the meh friend" and I point out he isn't because he has no real friends. He just answers "that's the way I like it". So we are different in that sense!

What confuses me about the friend I mentioned before who confuses me is she's called me her best friend. Well answer my texts then!!

Oh me too. Never been a bridesmaid/godmother. I've moved a lot and that's made it hard to keep up with people, so it is on me too.

I am quite possibly a meh friend but really don't mind.

It struck home when a widowed friend of mine had a masectomy and ongoing treatment for breast cancer. She set up a Whatsapp group for her friends so she didn't have to answer countless single messages. I am on there plus FOURTEEN other friends of hers! If this was me, there would be 2 on my whatsapp group, and one of the 2 wouldn't bother!

I have one long term close friend. Not much else. But the thing is... it doesn't worry me. I'm a tough nut and the way I look at it is encapsulated by the saying... you come into the world alone, you die alone. The bit inbetween can be extraordinarily meaningful (family, kids etc) but you just have to love yourself for who you are. I used to be desperate for more friends. No more. I am happy in myself and that's what matters.

Another 'meh' friend here. After years of always being the one to initiate meetups etc I more or less gave up. I rely on family mainly now.

I totally get this.

I have my own phrase for myself on this; "Always the bride, never the bridesmaid." (nb. married twice, nearly 3 times.)

I totally get this as well. I am like this. By circumstance perhaps as I’m naturally quite outgoing albeit an introvert. I remember at 3 not knowing how to play with other children at play group and feeling very self conscious and as though I was the odd one. Then it progressed to hating myself from about age 4... I didn’t have the happiest childhood. If I hated myself, how could I properly connect with anyone else??

Now in my 40’s and after a lot of therapy, I have my confidence but not my health. I hide how ill I am to the world. Don’t show my vulnerability. I’ve been rejected since being ill.

Be kind to yourselves everyone. 😊

By that I mean my friends mean more to me than I do to them. They all have much closer friends than me.

Yes I have this. I think I have good friends but I don’t have a best friend. When I occasionally get to gather my 5-10 closest friends for some kind of party or whatever (which isn’t often but for hen do, baby shower etc) they all happen to have closer friends than I am to them and I am aware of that.

I organised my own hen do, for example, as I didn’t really have a someone who would do it for me. But I don’t think any of my friends would have realised that, if that makes sense.

I would say my “closest” friend is one who lives quite far away so I don’t see her often but we exchange WhatsApp messages frequently.

My issue is I don't fit into a friendship group, I have a friend here and a friend there.

I think this is my issue too. I have a few good friends but they don’t all know each other except from when I’ve randomly got them together. I’m sorry for the loss of your friend.

Mummyoflittledragon that’s so similar to my story! I keep people at arms length because of health problems I do t discuss which is why I need to be the meh friend. Because sadly this makes me unreliable.

I am def the meh friend. Realised this a while ago. But with that realisation also comes the realisation that i dont really have friends. I have acquaintances...

Sort of sad really. Or actually... really sad. Would love to just have a group of steady friends were there is mutual love /friendship going in.

Happy birthday OP
I'm a fellow meh friend, but that's mainly because i've always moved around from being 20 when i got married to a squaddie.
I have 2 adult daughters who i meet up with for days / evenings out and a Husband for everything else.
I get along well with colleagues and neighbours, but as far as a best / close friend goes, it just doesn't happen sadly
Can i join the meh friends club please? I promise to bring cake.

Yes, this is absolutely me. It's interesting that others have said that they've become meh friends since having children, as it's been the opposite for me. I have two friends from school who I'm still in touch with, who both had their first babies within a few months of each other, and ever since then I've been the third wheel any time we all get together. I know they see each other a lot more often than either of them sees me, and they have so much more in common now. I can understand that, but I still feel really frozen out of the friendship. I am always an afterthought now, and when I do see them, they make little effort to include me in the conversation. I think they see me as being a bit below them somehow because I haven't got married and had children as is "expected".

Like pp, I don't think anyone would notice if I stopped messaging or interacting online. In fact, if not for the fact that I work full-time, I doubt if anyone would notice if I had an accident at home and was incapacitated. It's a depressing thought that I try to hold at bay, because nobody really wants to think that they're unimportant to other people, but really, that's what it boils down to for me.

i organised my own hen do, for example, as I didn’t really have a someone who would do it for me. But I don’t think any of my friends would have realised that, if that makes sense.

Yep makes sense! I also organised mine. And I never had a baby shower because I didn't think anybody would want to come. I didn't particularly want one but nobody would have organised it even if I had!

My friends have had amazing hen dos...organised by their best friends. I mean all out, brilliantly organised hen dos, where their love and thoughtfulness for the bride was clear and lovely. I wish I had a friend like that!

I remember once offering to organise a friend's baby shower and receiving an email off her best friend, telling me she had it in hand. I realised then that I wasn't a close enough friend to her! I was completely warned off I was only trying to be nice! I wouldn't bother with such things now.

I'm genuinely saddened by the amount of posters who have friends who don't make any effort to facilitate meetings. My friends do, at least, text me. I do get invites etc. I'm just nobodies best friend.

I don't think many people talk about this in real life for fear of being accused of being childish.

Incidentally I'm at work and it turns out I'm the meh colleague too

Now I did have a baby shower. I have a friend who wanted to organise one from the day the told her I’m pregnant and I kept saying no as I’m superstitious etc but eventually I agreed to an afternoon tea but I feel like she’s more of a person who just does that stuff. I don’t know. I am starting to get annoyed with friends who I alway have to make the effort with, which is a slightly different issue I think, and just think why should it always be me 🤷🏻‍♀️

As it happens my baby was stillborn earlier this year and I’m sort of realising who my friends are. I’m both let down by some but really pleasantly surprised by others.

I think best friends are overrated. My husband says, and I think he’s right, that women’s friendships really change from one year to the next and we often have a friend who we’re closest to at a particular time and that can change over a period of months. It also depends on what’s going on in your life.