To be the "meh" friend?

[TheMehFriend]

I'm wondering if I am indeed, unreasonable!

I am the "meh" friend. Or at least I think I am. By that I mean my friends mean more to me than I do to them. They all have much closer friends than me. I am never any friend's bridesmaid, god parent to any friend's child, never the first to know any news.

I don't mean it in a pathetic, whiny way. It's a simple fact. My friendships date back 10years and they tend to be an even mix of me contacting them or the other way round. Similar amount of effort put into the friendship etc. So actually, I am very lucky to have steady friendships. However all my friends have "better" friends than me or friendships that date back 20years.

I feel like the friend that nobody would really miss. More a "oh I haven't heard from meh for a while" friend. It does lead to cycles of resentment from me. I'm having one today. Even "meh" friends have feelings and limits. Nobody remembered my birthday, that is the catalyst. Every year, people I have known 10years forget my birthday.

Are you a "meh" friend? How do you go beyond this? Am I actually being unreasonable and may be more valued than I think?

I think they would be quite upset if they realised how I feel.

This is what stuck out to me....you're calling yourself the "meh friend", do your friends see you as strong and capable and not needing anything or anyone?

Do you feel that you could tell them how you're feeling?

I would never call anybody a friend if I can't call on them when I'm happy, sad, lonely. And I definitely wouldn't call somebody a friend if they wouldn't miss me if I wasn't around for a long period.

I don't expect my friends to be in touch everyday because we've all got busy lives and families, but if they didn't miss me or not interested in my happiness then they don't have the privilege of being called my friend.

Friends are overrated!

I won’t even get married as I don’t have enough people to invite and eloping with small children is difficult!

I think that's life! I have a friend, she'd say we were close (we do remember birthdays etc), who asked me to dog sit when her son married. She'd invited school friends who her family hadn't seen or heard from for years, but thought it acceptable to ask me to dog sit! I declined.

However, I also have a friend who I know would be the first one on the doorstep, with a casserole, if she heard I was unable to look after myself. I see her once a year but our lives have taken different paths so meeting is difficult despite us living quite close to each other.

You're putting too much emphasis on length of time you've known people/been friends with them. This doesn't mean they're good friends

I agree, they don't sound nice people.

I'm the meh friend too. Only taken me bloody years to work it out . Feel such a fool. I've decided to cut them off now and living my the saying 'if I cut you off, chances are you handed me the scissors' . I've had enough of chasing people who are too busy to be arsed. Life is better when you free yourself.

Yes - that’s me! I have friends: people who I’ll catch up with semi-regularly (say every few months) and have proper catch-ups, chat for hours and a laugh. But for me these are the closest friendships I’ve got, and I don’t even register on their top 10 list. Edited highlights include being told by someone I would have considered a close friend “Oh I only told a few close friends about my pregnancy before 12 weeks” and when I introduced 2 people who’d never met before, they became closer friends and now won’t meet up with just me without the other person. Would like to be a bridesmaid just once, but all these friends are married now so never going to happen.

And it does cause problems - I’m planning to get DD christened, but have no one to ask to be godparents.

Fellow meh person here. Always get left out of weekends away because they didn't think it be my thing. Birthday this year totally ignored but they wanted me to make a fuss of theirs. I got a new job and moved recently. No one checked if I'm ok (I'm not really). You sound lovely OP. Perhaps we are too nice?

Am definitely the 'meh' friend and family member. I was left to struggle on my own after splitting with with exH. My sisters are in regular contact with each other but don't bother with me. I have two friends who I see occasionally but I'm never invited to anyone's house, to spend Christmas or have a meal. I spent my last birthday on my own, no cards, presents or phone calls. I'm beginning to wish I hadn't spent so many years taking care of my (now adult) children. I think the only answer is to find your passion and try to be at peace with yourself and being alone.

Oh and @witchitalinesmanswoman, I couldn't agree more!

Me too. The realisation hit me quite hard a year or so ago, and I was really upset amd depressed by it. However, in the last 6 months I have formed a couple of unlikely close and fairly intense friendships through a hobby I do and suddenly see lots of these new friends. Whether they'll last the distance remains to be seen, but for now I'm just enjoying having close friends who actually care about me and give as well as take.

Oh and often, people take photos where they cut half my face off, if I'm in a group! They then post it in Facebook where they tag me, with half a face.

And another one.

I have felt like the 'meh' friend in my small group of friends for years. Have always felt like the last one chosen, the others would choose the others before me if that makes sense, I like to have people round, cook, have wine but realised it was never ever returned. I never got a random 'fancy coming for tea' like another friend would do to another friend in the group. I would be the one getting the wine, food in until I thought feck this, rather have no girl friends than these friends. So I basically ditched them over a month ago and has anyone reached out - no. Well one sent me a drunken 2am ramble about how I isolate myself etc which is what happens when you go through phases of extreme anxiety, which they've known about and never asked after me or how I am .

As much as I sometimes get FOMO or a bit down when I hear of any nights out and I'm sitting in alone, my anxiety has subsided, I am using this time to focus on myself and where the feck I am going in life (37, no kids, partner), I can focus on things like my house, sticking to a diet which never happens when I'm constantly out spending money on getting drunk and on people who don't appreciate it/return any favours.

Trying to flip my way of thinking into being excited as to what the future holds and maybe this will push me into meeting new friends and people, as I can be quite socially anxious (unless I'm a few wines down).

Hugs to all meh friends from a non-huggy person.

@Betsy86 I could've written your post.

I was the meh friend until I stopped making effort, now I’m not a friend anymore.

It depends whether you think having any friend is better than none or whether you’re willing to make new ones who might be better.

Yep, same here. I'm Meh

Another meh friend here... who also has meh friends... not very very keen on most hoomans tbh - always too much drama/expectation - i like/love who i like/love and if they feel the same then it's great and we'll spend time together... if they don't - meh

Hasn't this been identified as the "background friend' syndrome? I was trying to describe where I (don't) fit into various friendship groups to DH recently and came across an article describing it. I'm getting reconciled to my non-status but I'm not happy about it. It has been the cause of huge upset over the years. I seem to be the person who keeps in contact, not the person who's contacted; the one that people turn to when they need something but never think to offer me help or even ask how I'm doing. They accept my hospitality but never reciprocate or invite me to join in with a wider group. I've always thought that I'm just not good enough. Perhaps once or twice it's got back to me someone has valued my help and that's meant a lot to me. It would be so much nicer if the person involved could tell me themselves or include me in some of the nice stuff - the odd cup of coffee, a night out, anything really. I always thought friendship was a two way street but increasingly I find myself withdrawing from people because I just feel used. Its small comfort to know that I'm not the only one.

I’ve never heard of that @Kit30 I wonder what makes people that kind of friend

What is FOMO @supercee ?

What is FOMO @supercee ?

Posted that twice sorry. Not sure what happened.

Increasingly people are becoming so self observed which doesn't leave room or inclination to think about anybody else. Too busy trying to capture Instagram moments to bother with RL people. There is a lot of using and fakeness now. Even when you do meet up you sit there like a big Meh because they are checking their emails, twitter feed, WhatsApp, Facebook. So you are sometimes not even meh in comments to other people, your competition is an electronic device. Attention focused on anything but the "friend" opposite them. People want likes, not to be liked, just a continual ego stroking. Which is one way, and never reciprocate.

Fear of Missing Out