To be the "meh" friend?

[TheMehFriend]

I'm wondering if I am indeed, unreasonable!

I am the "meh" friend. Or at least I think I am. By that I mean my friends mean more to me than I do to them. They all have much closer friends than me. I am never any friend's bridesmaid, god parent to any friend's child, never the first to know any news.

I don't mean it in a pathetic, whiny way. It's a simple fact. My friendships date back 10years and they tend to be an even mix of me contacting them or the other way round. Similar amount of effort put into the friendship etc. So actually, I am very lucky to have steady friendships. However all my friends have "better" friends than me or friendships that date back 20years.

I feel like the friend that nobody would really miss. More a "oh I haven't heard from meh for a while" friend. It does lead to cycles of resentment from me. I'm having one today. Even "meh" friends have feelings and limits. Nobody remembered my birthday, that is the catalyst. Every year, people I have known 10years forget my birthday.

Are you a "meh" friend? How do you go beyond this? Am I actually being unreasonable and may be more valued than I think?

I think I'm even the meh sibling...

Moi moi moi

@Meyoumeanmeh Did you manage to have a decent birthday? Sorry all, fell off grid for a few days. Actually had a lot of stuff get on top of me and mental health took a nose dive. I think this starting this thread was a sign of what was to come.

Thank you to all those who have offered solidarity and support, it does truly help. It makes me realise that I may not be in the minority!

Since starting this thread I've noticed more and more things that have made me unhappy and yesterday I spent most of the day crying. Not just about this but it completely spiralled. I've woken up a bit more even today but baby steps. Feel like I had a mini breakdown to be honest.

Happy belated birthday Meyoumeanmeh sorry to ignore you.
I think this thread has struck a chord with a lot of people and everyone has just got things off their chest.

TheMehFriend Letting it out may have helped let your feelings out hence the crying. Know what you mean about the mini breakdown. I feel like get them all the time. Part of me wants a proper big major one just so I can break and then make myself stronger. For now though I'll keep plodding.

Ive had a bad day today. I am running a marathon later this year and planning a 14 mile run tomorrow. Ive gained weight this year and lost all my running confidence. The other day I posted on FB asking if any of my running friends wanted to join me for part of it. I didn't expect a response. Where others get loads of response and arrange a meet, I usually get nothing. Well I had 3 saying they would. 2 have cancelled and the 3rd hasn't replied to my message earlier asking if they were still up for it. Its things like this that hurt. When will I learn not to try to arrange anything as I only ever get disappointed?

Anyway sorry to rant, needed to get it off my chest.

Yup. Same here. Today I've been ditched after inviting a friend to a concert, they agreed, then fluffed about paying me for the tickets. I KNEW they would cancel so I gave them multiple opportunities to back out, and they cancelled last minute with a weak excuse.

I'm so sick of no one caring about me. And tbh I really needed a fun night out as I've just discovered 2 lumps in my neck and, coupled with other symptoms I've been having, am now worried I have Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma (thanks Dr Google). Would have liked something to take my mind off it. Can't tell my "friends" as they'll think I'm being dramatic.

A bad day here too. I don't have anyone to call for a quick chat, and it gets to me sometimes. I don't work anymore because of disability, and days can go by where I don't speak to anyone. So depressing.

@Thegoodthere step away from Google! Take a deep breath and get to the doctors. Sorry you are having such a worrying time.

@RunningNinja79 it is so shit when you lose confidence. I sometimes have to seize the moment with exercise and do it alone! I know what you mean about needing a big break down. Sometimes I fantasise about letting myself implode and I run off to Australia or something.

@wildcherries sorry to hear you have also had a bad day. And I'm sorry that it is difficult for you to socialise. I keep feeling the need to offer advice but to be honest I think we all feel each other's pain and perhaps that is enough!

I've felt a little better today. I've done a lot in the garden and I do feel that really helps me mentally. Every time a dark thought enters my mind I feel this terrible ache in my chest. I might need to go to the doctors, my paranoia is always so much worse when I get depression. I will see how next week pans out.

Having a gin and tonic now

@Thegoodthere Dr. Google is awful. Everything seems to lead to cancer, and it terrifies me. Go see the doctor. I can totally understand that you're worried. I hope it isn't as bad as that.

I'm MrsBosh and I'm a meh friend.

I have had several friend wobbles over the last years, feeling like giving up and really unappreciated.

Last year on my 30th birthday I only got a couple of messages from my oldest friends on a group chat of 8 of us. The rest saw but didn't bother to type for ten secs. Noone dropped a card round (despite two of them living five mins away) and I was so hurt. My DH (prob sick of me moaning about it) said that it may be that we value different things (a bit like the love languages concept if anyone's heard of it) for example, I always send birthday cards out - I am brilliant at remembering birthdays. But perhaps my 'friends' don't value that, so don't choose to do that themselves and that's just them. I thought that was quite a wise thing to say. This year I've only sent cards to those who send me cards (basically relatives!) And it feels freeing in a way.

I also got very upset when no friends acknowledged my DS's first birthday despite me mentioning it days before. I just would have really appreciated a 'happy birthday to BabyBosh!' message. Months on that does seem a bit silly though!

I get really anxious about small talk too so find making friends tricky. I'm also terrified of rejection so don't like to message people in case they feel bothered by me.

@TheMehFriend I’m glad that you’re feeling better today. I am too.

I also have mental health challenges, a long history of abusive relationships and I’ve never fitted in anywhere. I moved out of my particular subculture because of education, norms and values, but I don’t fit in to the next subculture because I haven’t the MC stability, extended family or cash IYSWIM.

I’ve always been an oddball, but I am also a social chameleon, so I don’t let people really get to know me. I’m often ashamed of some of the stuff that’s happened to me - which I know isn’t rational.

It helps that I am naturally introverted and like time on my own, but sometimes I would like friends to share stuff with. I am also estranged from my family because of abuse, and that makes things worse.

Anyway, it’s been a beautiful day and it’s nice to have found this thread through you’re posting on mine 😊

@MrsBosh I know that feeling too and have had similar experiences with friends. I also feel as if I am bothering people or attention seeking if I ask for anything or remind people of a big occasion!

I hope that you had a lovely 30th and that Baby Bosh had a lovely birthday too 🥂🎂

I'm not a Meh friend. I'm prob one of those people you may have seen in the playground and very slightly envy.

I'm loud and funny and have lots and lots of friends. I have a best friend of 30 years and several other besties.

I'm always the one organising meals out and arranging girly weekends away. I don't send birthday cards or even remember birthdays.

I'm always the one texting first. I'm the organiser, the bubbly one.

It's my birthday today so too. I got so many Happy Birthdays on my Facebook wall. I normally have a HUGE birthday party, lots of laughs and friends. I'm not having a party this year, only one person asked why. I just said I'm too sad.

Last week I stood on my daughter's stool, chucked my pink fluffy dressing gown belt over a rafter and tried to hang myself. Only my 30 year friendship bestie knows how bad my mental health can get. But I didn't tell her about that!!

Luckily couldn't work out the knot, phone was fucking flat so couldn't google. Ran upstairs to get charger, and by the time those few minutes had passed, I managed to give my head a wobble!

Jeeezus can't remember where I was going with that tale of woe! Yup keeping friendships alive is harder work than dh/dps.

We are all sooooooo busy. I love some of my besties genuinely love them.

One of them is going through a terrible separation, haven't text her or talked to her for at least 2 or 3 weeks. But she knows I'm here for her and I know she's here for me.

I really don't know where I'm was going with this! Sorry for the rambling piece of shit!

You're not the only one, there are meh'ny of us. I'm a Meh Friend too. I'd probabaly be completely decomposed before anyone had a passing thought about me. Yet I think of others, the welfare and happiness a lot if the time. Maybe I'm just a weirdo and not normal. I'd love someone to check and see if I'm okay now and then but people seem so busy with their own lives and their own problems that I'm just not important. Even if I've been there for them through their most challenging times and always made time for them..... I've accepted it now. It is what it is.

Ex

And Happy Birthday to whoever said no-one wished them a happy birthday! So sorry, so far up the thread I don't think I could find it.

I'm the sparkly organiser up to a point. If I stopped organising I can guarantee you no-one would lift a finger. There are a lot of lazy bastards about. When I had cancer there was a distinct silence. But some people stepped up that were a real surprise. It is a clear possibility that it's not us it's them: a lot of lazy, selfish, self-absorbed bastards.

Well, sort of. Most are absent-minded and lazy so cosy they don't realise the need around them. And kind of don't bother. I think you have to specifically act or nothing gets done.

Happy Birthday to whoever
Truly a meh-arvellous birthday greeting!

Don't worry springy, we are used to that type of thing here.

I'm the meh friend because I don't conform that easily and I am not too good in group situations. Sometimes people bore me and I am certain that I bore them. I have also had some bad friendship failures where I have been used for something that I can provide whether that be a listening ear or a babysitter. Quite honestly, I would love to be able to afford counselling where I could just blather on about me and have someone listen without all the strings attached. I would also enjoy having a flamboyant character as a friend who would create a social whirl and take me out of myself a bit - I did have a friend like this but she moved abroad (in fact I had two friends like this) and they had such an illuminating presence and something I haven't found since. I have an absorbing hobby and would rather be doing that most of the time than listen to other peoples trials and tribulations. People also seem very busy in their everyday lives but then again it could be that I'm just a meh friend. Mumsnet is a fabulous sounding board and somewhere that I have often turned to for advice - I'd like to think I've helped others from time to time too. But at the end of the day, I haven't really got a lot of energy to channel into the wrong kind of friendship anymore.

Yep I’m the meh friend always have been. It used to devastate me when I was younger but mid 30s I have accepted it.

Exservicewoman, Sorry to hear of your difficulties, I think you really need to be going to the Drs if things are that bad.Take care of yourself.

How are all the Meh's today? Hope you're all ok x. I'm still merrily Meh'ing! I can't tell you how comforting it is to read this thread and know I'm not alone xxx

Fellow 'meh' here ... good evening everyone.

I'm actually not too bad and I think it's down to this post and knowing that I'm not alone.

I'm heading towards the dreaded weekend without my kids, dad and I are separated, but I'm going to write a list of stuff to do that will keep me busy and positive. Whether or not I do it remains to be seen 😬
I also got blown out by a guy who I was planning on having a "casual" thing with. I think i scared him off because I asked him if he liked me 🤦‍♀️

I've spent today thinking why do I need a guy, who I don't know and was a bit of an idiot, to tell me he likes me to feel self worth ?!? I need to have a serious word with myself and maybe read some self help books .... I'm actually reading "The joy of being single" which is making a lot of sense and is a good read x

Thank you for articulating this OP. I have lots of friends but always feel the the odd wheel or on the outside looking in. I think I'm a little autistic (one of my DC is diagnosed and I've had lots of light bulb moments). I have really, really nice friends and to be fair a handful remember my birthday but I always feel like a second tier friend. I moved a lot due to military family and never have a sense of belonging.

My so called BFF has ghosted me (with hindsight she does this to everyone eventually). She was one of my oldest friends. Even though she was flaky and fickle I miss her. I'd really like a buddy who really gets me to share memes and shit with but that makes me sound like a needy teenager rather than the 40 something I am.

I am also a Meh. I have a small circle but it seems that each one of my 'friends' has so many other friends it feels like they're just friends with me by default, simply because they're popular and friends with everyone. I don't have one or two close buddies who come to me for gossip and fun first. I'm just "in the crowd", but I don't feel close to anybody individually.

I'm the faceless friend, who's always there but is actually invisible.

Feeling a bit down at the moment actually and been thinking about friends quite a lot. As I hear about other social circles forming and socials going on that I am not invited to I always have a blip.

I find friendships hard to understand and I am definitely the meh friend. People are happy to meet up with me if I organise it, I am the organiser. But I am not invited much or invitations aren't returned.

I think since Ds has started school it's made it worse as I hear about groups meeting up socially and I am not included- not that everyone else is and it's only me left out- but it's people who I socialise with outside of school too but only if I organise. So I wonder why they make the effort to organise things with that group but in our group it's me who always organises

I don't have many friends really so I guess I am trying to make new friends through the school parents but others definitely don't need that as much as they have long term friends already.

Feeling down as my friend ghosted me a few months ago and I miss her. I tried to reach out to her but she just ignored me.
My ex got over me pretty quickly, was expecting it but still hurts.
Friend has heaps of other friends so doesn't need me in her life, ex doesn't miss me at all and can't wait to divorce.
Its like I didn't have any sort of impact in their lives at all and I don't exist to them anymore.
Hurts like hell.
@LMNOhh Yeah I have the dreaded weekend away from my kids this weekend too - dreading it. Have no plans.