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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask PIL if they have made the same financial provision for all GC

205 replies

BonitaBonita · 24/06/2019 20:55

Genuine AIBU here, I don't know if I would BU to do this.

We are LC with PIL, DH had a very difficult upbringing. BIL is an alcoholic and lives in sheltered accommodation. In 2016 BIL estranged child contacted them and said he was entering a very prestigious training scheme. I was very specific and clear and told them in no uncertain terms that this was not true as he did not have the qualifications required, that the emails he was showing them were from homemade email addresses etc. They chose not to listen and handed over £50k over a 12 month period. It eventually came out that DN was a drug addict and they stopped paying him and are now very bitter about his scam and their loss. They are wealthy and have received several large inheritances and have been on 6 holidays in the last 12 months so they are not hard up following this loss, but it must have been very hurtful.
DS is about to start Uni. IABU to ask them if they have made equal financial provision for all their GC's training and education?

I know it is their money and they will do with it as they wish, but I find it difficult that DS who is planning on studying medicine will rely on loans (we are below the income bracket for parental contribution but will help where we can) whilst his cousin was handed such a lot of money for no reason.

DH has never received any financial support from them and we have never asked for a penny. He will not ask for the good of his own mental health but is happy for me to 'do what ever you think is best'.

AIBU to ask?

OP posts:
Ifigotherewillbedouble · 24/06/2019 20:58

There is no way I would ask - if they want to help they will offer.

Hoppinggreen · 24/06/2019 20:59

Unreasonable and grabby

Pixilicious · 24/06/2019 20:59

If you’ve got the balls to ask, go for it.

Digestive28 · 24/06/2019 20:59

Nope. They may offer, you may very very subtly hint but I wouldn’t ask directly. They got asked directly before and it worked out badly for them.

Thatsashame · 24/06/2019 21:00

Yabu. They do not have to help anyone and can help who they choose. It would be nice but it's not their job. If you and bil had 4 kids each how would they do that for all of them?

nauseous5000 · 24/06/2019 21:00

They're not your parents. If DH cares about this as much as you do he needs to do it for his child, regardless of his own issues. We all do things that are hard/ nigh on impossible if they benefit our kids. It's just not your place I'm afraid

NoSauce · 24/06/2019 21:01

Are you absolutely sure about this? £50k handed over to a GC they were estranged to?

Original poster
BonitaBonita · 24/06/2019 21:02

They never offer and I have always been in agreement with you, ifIgo. The problem is that they have handed over hundreds of thousands to BIL who always asks and has never worked. I have always accepted it and not really thought about it but I feel differently for my DC.

I might ask even thou I know IABU. It's tricky to know what will cause least hurt and resentment all round.

DC know about the money N had due to PIL having screaming fits about it at the time which everyone heard, unfortunately.

:(

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 24/06/2019 21:02

Of course you are unreasonable to ask. How they dole out their money is absolutely none of your business and to ask is really inappropriate.

Nemesia1264 · 24/06/2019 21:02

IABU to ask them if they have made equal financial provision for all their GC's training and education?
Yes YBU.
They could turn that question back to you. You're his parents after all.
Don't you have any pride?

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 24/06/2019 21:03

Grabby for someone with a good relationship with their PIL.
Given that you are LC it implies their only use to you is financial. (I’m not debating whether you are right or wrong being LC, from the little you’ve said it sounds entirely reasonable, but you can’t get away from the fact that your closeness or lack thereof is relevant).

What they do with their money is up to them, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the past experience has made them more cautious anyway.

ittakes2 · 24/06/2019 21:04

Sorry but life does not work that way. You can't say to them you did X for X you and you should then match it for X. But you could ask if they would be prepared to do an interest free loan. They then might decide that this loan did not need to be paid back. But don't raise the other issue - its not relevant and might upset them as it makes you look grabby.

Lollypop701 · 24/06/2019 21:04

I’d ask! I honestly cannot see why you wouldn’t.

Original poster
BonitaBonita · 24/06/2019 21:05

100% sure they gave the money, I had to deal with the fall out.
DH has mental health issues related to BIL who abused him throughout his childhood. He can't cope with any of them other than at extreme arms length, so we are LC and ask for nothing.

OP posts:
TrickyD · 24/06/2019 21:05

If they were not offended by BIL asking for money, I can't see why you shouldn't do the same.

Original poster
BonitaBonita · 24/06/2019 21:09

They have no 'use' to me at all. And they make it clear they dislike our lifestyle (we don't go to church). I maintain a LC relationship as otherwise DH wouldn't have any contact with his mother, which would be hard for him.
I have never asked for money and work as a carer so yes I have pride and no, I cannot afford to fund my sons university course, but I will do what I can.

Those saying "I'd ask, you've nothing to lose" - this is my thinking. Maybe it'll make them think about their unfair behaviour.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 24/06/2019 21:10

I love when people say 'I know it's their money' on MN, because it's like they don't know that.

Pipsqueak11 · 24/06/2019 21:11

I would ask too but probably drop some massive hints first about what a long course it is and how stingy maintenance loan is etc - see if they pick up the hint before the more direct approach. I think you owe it to your ds to put this issue above pride ,
Inequity between GC is the pits and so unfair,

Original poster
BonitaBonita · 24/06/2019 21:13

BIL has a weekly allowance as he cannot work. He has never worked and had a child with a 14YO girl when he was 28, he concealed this and FIL paid the girl a weekly allowance to 'keep quiet' for 9 years until N was taken into care and we were contacted and asked to take him in.

BIL has also had a lot of medical treatments and therapies funded. He regularly runs up large credit card bills etc that PIL pay off for him.

I have never been bothered by any of it but DS running up huge loans whilst N spent £50K on cocaine pisses me off and is making me bitter.

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 24/06/2019 21:14

In that situation, when it sounds like you tried to save them from losing money, I'd have the brass balls to just ask.

Original poster
BonitaBonita · 24/06/2019 21:14

Thanks Pip, you summed up how I feel
I think you owe it to your ds to put this issue above pride ,
Inequity between GC is the pits and so unfair

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 24/06/2019 21:14

OP I mean this nicely but face reality. They don't treat their children equally, so of course they aren't going to treat their grandchildren equally. They favour your BiL over your husband so, if you are lucky they will simply favour his child over yours (if you are unlucky they will favour one of your children over the others).

I strongly suggest you let sleeping dogs lie.

Singlenotsingle · 24/06/2019 21:18

Isn't it up to DH to ask, rather than you, if someone's going to do it?

fedup21 · 24/06/2019 21:22

If you are low contact, asking them for large sums of money is pretty grabby. I wouldn’t.

TakeMe2Insanity · 24/06/2019 21:27

Sometime you have to ask, even if it means the person says no.