AIBU to ask PIL if they have made the same financial provision for all GC

[BonitaBonita]

Genuine AIBU here, I don't know if I would BU to do this.

We are LC with PIL, DH had a very difficult upbringing. BIL is an alcoholic and lives in sheltered accommodation. In 2016 BIL estranged child contacted them and said he was entering a very prestigious training scheme. I was very specific and clear and told them in no uncertain terms that this was not true as he did not have the qualifications required, that the emails he was showing them were from homemade email addresses etc. They chose not to listen and handed over £50k over a 12 month period. It eventually came out that DN was a drug addict and they stopped paying him and are now very bitter about his scam and their loss. They are wealthy and have received several large inheritances and have been on 6 holidays in the last 12 months so they are not hard up following this loss, but it must have been very hurtful.
DS is about to start Uni. IABU to ask them if they have made equal financial provision for all their GC's training and education?

I know it is their money and they will do with it as they wish, but I find it difficult that DS who is planning on studying medicine will rely on loans (we are below the income bracket for parental contribution but will help where we can) whilst his cousin was handed such a lot of money for no reason.

DH has never received any financial support from them and we have never asked for a penny. He will not ask for the good of his own mental health but is happy for me to 'do what ever you think is best'.

AIBU to ask?

Agree

Op how could you even want to ask?

Your dc 'know where N money came from'

You make your dc sound as grabby and entitled as you.

You don't even LIKE these people why would you want their money?

I would ask. The worst that happens is they say no and you are no worse off.

People are so weird about money. Of course it is theirs , you aren't going to steal it! You are just asking for some for your DS who is their grandson. They can say no. The fact that you don't get on well makes it easier to ask really as I wouldn't care if it makes them feel awkward.

Btw. I wouldn't refer to money given to your BIL I would just ask for some money for your son to use for his education . Keep it straightforward.

You can always point out the unfairness if they say no ( though by that point it is unlikely to make any difference ).

Could the posters who are slamming the OP for being ‘geeedy ‘grabby’ and other unpleasant name-calling please explain why this is so? She’s not asking for money for herself - she’s asking on behalf of her DC who is about to embark on a course that will likely mean graduating with a debt of over £80k. How on earth is the OP grabby or greedy for wanting her own child to receive equal support for training as his cousin?

Do you all think it’s ok for GP to treat their GC so unfairly and for it never to be challenged because it’s its their money?

There are lots of unpleasant and unkind aspersions in this thread towards the OP but i suspect that there are very good reasons why her DH is LC with his parents and why both of the sons have MH issues and I suspect the common denominator is the behaviour of PIL towards their sons. Why should theOP let such behaviour go unchallenged for another generation?

Some of the posters on this thread are being utter arseholes

It’s interesting isn’t it? I think that AIBU attracts people who gain power from making very personally insulting nasty statements that they never would in real life. I always wonder what’s going on in their heads when they get so agitated and return again and again on the attack.
I genuinely am still unsure as to what I will do, but nasty comments from people who cannot understand nuance, and lack any empathy and critical thinking will not be part of that process.

I am thinking about the fall out when they say no, or make a very derisory offer off £100 etc. I also think that DH is looking to stop all contact with them but is unsure how to deal with his feelings towards his mother. It’s tricky all round.

Thanks again for the thoughtful comments.

BTW DH read the thread and he is now saying ‘diiiiisssspicible’ in a Daffy Duck voice and threatening to buy me a ‘gu’ style coat, which I am looking forward to. Discpicible! imagine!

"Why should theOP let such behaviour go unchallenged for another generation?"

Because it's not up to the OP to challenge their behaviour; it's up to her DH - if he wants to.

Challenging the behaviour won't magically fix it. His parents have always been like this and it's very unlikely that they will change. If the OP's DH does challenge them, he needs to consider what he wants/hopes to get out of it; whether he would feel better after getting things off his chest - even if there is a fallout (which there probably will be).

OP has your DH ever had any counselling/therapy? Has he read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward?

"nasty comments from people who cannot understand nuance, and lack any empathy and critical thinking"

That's what you get when you post in AIBU, sadly. Relationships is the best place for complex family issues.

So you don’t want any contact with PIL, you’d just like their money ?

From reading that DH wants to go no contact, i would not ask for the money. By doing so, you would be sucking him right back into a situation that has had a profound effect on him and it may have unintended consequences eg he might resent his DH having a degree because his parents paid. There's no price on the sanity of your husband.

Leave it and find another way.

Why should theOP let such behaviour go unchallenged for another generation?"

Because it's not up to the OP to challenge their behaviour; it's up to her DH - if he wants to.

So when is it a mother's ‘place’ to advocate for fair treatment of her son? OP has clearly said that her DH is not mentally in a place where he can do this but supports her. So you think she shouldn’t stand up for her son, and they should all stand back and allow their DS to be disregarded by his GP simply because OP isn’t a blood relation to them?

You’re absolutely right in that it likely won’t change anything but OP’s DS will know that his parents support him and are willing to challenge inequality to support him and I think that matters an awful lot.

DH has had therapy and has support, yes.
I just wanted a wider poll of options which is why I started the thread. When I speak to anyone in rl about this they are very sympathetic and that isn't necessarily what we need.
It's all compounded by the money coming from inheritance in the first place, and FIL defrauded his mother out of money when she was alive and living with us (she moved in with us when she was 93 and died 2 years later). Mil and FIL were sole heirs to there parents estates and have inherited 4 houses and significant assets between them but chose not to care for or visit their elderly parents and left DH granny in very vulnerable circumstances.
I'm going to decide what to do over the summer.
Thanks

If you'd have said in your OP about how PIL acquired their wealth, your replies would have been a lot different.

What they do with their money is their business, especially as it is to their son who they have a very direct connection to.
Asking is rude and would be seen as grabby so I'd just leave it. What they give to others is none of your business.

I don't care what they think of me, that isn't a factor in this. I know who I am and being told I look 'grabby' [which, incidentally, I thought meant 'eye-catching' and deserving of attention as my Jamaican GMa used to say I had a 'grabby little batty' when I was little ] is meaningless, I am not, nor am I greedy or entitled or any other MN catchphrase.

I am fairly poor, and I have worked since I was 14 and lived independently since 16 so I am a confident in my self worth and resilience. This is a question of what whether I should ask PIL to make a contribution to DS' education, as they believed they were doing with N. There are differing views and I am thinking it thru.

I think I probably will start a conversation about it and see what happens. FIL has form for having a tantrum and running away (literally) if anyone raises a topic he doesn't like so it's not as if they will sit there being brow beaten by their hideous grabby northern atheist mixed race DIL, MN can stand down and stop worrying about them . I think they will outright say no, or offer a derisory amount. As MN says they can do what they want with their money. And we can do what we want in terms of contact following on from that.

The reason I didn't provide more details in the OP is length - there is a lot more I could add including how they only became catholic when women were allowed into the Anglican Church, how he arranged for his mother to be secretly converted to be a catholic (she was a church going CofE all her life) on her death bed and lied about it, how he defrauded his sons out of inheritance and much much more.

Thanks for the opinions. Food for thought.

I actually don't think think there's too much harm in respectfully enquiring as long as you don't mind a hard no in response. Given that they gave money for a supposed career enhancing opportunity for your DN as opposed to emergency/necessary funds does make it seem a little more like it's fair game to ask on behalf of your DC.

I myself have watched my DPs give tens of thousands to my DB over the years, bought cars for him, paid his rent and tuition for whatever course he thinks will change his career (acupuncture, chiropractor etc... ) This is on top if the money they spent supporting him through university the first time before he dropped out which took them nearly nine months to discover whilst they paid his living expenses.

I can say honestly I don't envy my DB for the money my DP spend on him. I'm successful, educated, financially secure and enjoy my life. I thank the heavens I'm not aimless, lazy and entitled like my DB. He actually lives a rather pathetic and lonely life because he never took responsibility for himself. So if they say no, just remember that your DC sound like motivated and hard working, far more valuable gifts in life than family money.

@BonitaBonita

I just wanted to say that I think you’ve handled the name-calling, slander, and petty bitchiness on this thread with good humour, resilience and dignity. I’m sure that whatever you decide to do will be the right thing

OP, how about if your DS asks them direct? It's easy for them to brush you off, but potentially harder for them to do it to him.

No comments here on the rights and wrongs - just trying to think of the most likely way for your son to receive help.

I just wanted to say that I think you’ve handled the name-calling, slander, and petty bitchiness on this thread with good humour, resilience and dignity
I agree.
You have a great sense of humour. After following your updates I think you should ask. Why not?
Seems fair easy come easy go.

@Veterinari and @EmeraldShamrock how kind, thank you. We've had a tough time over the years and I have found a duck and dive approach works best when aggression is directed at us, I also have a 97yo DGM who''s approach to life is radical - she finds everything hysterically funny! I have decided to copy her as much as possible.
I am leaning towards raising it as a general conversation and seeing if PIL or DS pick up the lead, I suspect he will and they will offer a derisory amount. The ball will then be back in DH court but we will support him with and in his decision.
Thanks for your kindness, it means a lot. I hope you have a lovely weekend and can get out in this nice weather.

This

I wouldn't do anything without consulting your DS. He may well value piece of mind and the freedom from the strings that may come attached as a pearl above all price. I am trying to view this as if DS was a young person whose well- being was my primary concern. If I had to make a decision with only your DS's well -being in mind, I would not advise asking for the money.

Zombie thread!

whoops, sorry now why did that pop up in "trending now"?
I should still have check of course.

YABU unless your family wish to maintain a meaningful relationship with your in-laws.