AIBU to ask PIL if they have made the same financial provision for all GC

[BonitaBonita]

Genuine AIBU here, I don't know if I would BU to do this.

We are LC with PIL, DH had a very difficult upbringing. BIL is an alcoholic and lives in sheltered accommodation. In 2016 BIL estranged child contacted them and said he was entering a very prestigious training scheme. I was very specific and clear and told them in no uncertain terms that this was not true as he did not have the qualifications required, that the emails he was showing them were from homemade email addresses etc. They chose not to listen and handed over £50k over a 12 month period. It eventually came out that DN was a drug addict and they stopped paying him and are now very bitter about his scam and their loss. They are wealthy and have received several large inheritances and have been on 6 holidays in the last 12 months so they are not hard up following this loss, but it must have been very hurtful.
DS is about to start Uni. IABU to ask them if they have made equal financial provision for all their GC's training and education?

I know it is their money and they will do with it as they wish, but I find it difficult that DS who is planning on studying medicine will rely on loans (we are below the income bracket for parental contribution but will help where we can) whilst his cousin was handed such a lot of money for no reason.

DH has never received any financial support from them and we have never asked for a penny. He will not ask for the good of his own mental health but is happy for me to 'do what ever you think is best'.

AIBU to ask?

@BonitaBonita

YABU and should try to dwell less on what they did with their money in the past. It isn't anything to do with you, though you seem to strongly feel it is.

Regarding the studying, If students choose an expensive course they have to accept responsibility for funding it.

I think it would be terrible to ask.

Not sure the money would be worth it. Perhaps aks them for an interest free / low interest loan on the basis that investing in a Dr is better than in cocaine abuse, but they sound very messed up; you would need some really firm boundaries ...

You’re you’re lc and yet think they should give you money? Have you no self respect?

In fact I wonder what the other side of the story is and whether it is actually them who are lc with you.

If you do decide to ask, discuss it with DS first. He may prefer to take out loans than be beholden to his GPS for the rest of their lives. I don't think this is really your decision to make.

Wow, have you got a brass neck and then some.

You're in low contact and you think you're entitled to ask for this money? Have you no shame? You don't want contact with them but will perfectly take money from them, yes you're a grabby selfish person to think that is okay.

As someone else said, I'm starting to wonder if they sussed you out ages ago and decided to be low contact with you. They're not even your parents, what makes you think you have the right to ask, seriously?

You've already started you'll ask anyway so I for one hope they tell you to do one. You are a proper cheeky fucker.

Will you live to regret it? Lots of students, myself included, come from poorer backgrounds and have to take out the maximum loans. Your son won’t have to pay any of it back until his income is above a certain level. All these years you’ve been the ones to stand on your own two feet - I would keep it that way.

Eww, just seen your updates. Wow you are one heck of an entitled person. Mind your own, these are not your parents. If your husband wants some form of revenge for his childhood, let him do it. Who on earth are you to take money from them and then ignore them? You do not sound like a decent person AT ALL.

I would swallow my pride and any principles and ask.

Your DS has done really well to get into medical school. I suspect that most posters have no idea how hard it it these days, with many well qualified applicants for each place.

It’s very hard to work during term time due to long hours in classes and clinics and so much studying to do at weekends. And most summer student type jobs go to those who work evenings and weekends all year, or who can work for the whole summer. Most medical students only have 8 weeks off.

Just ask. You will always regret it if you don’t, for your DSs sake.

I had no support from my family through uni and I was really really hard up. I couldn’t afford to buy books or even photocopy lecture notes or articles , let alone participate in much of the social life. I worked weekends and holidays which affected my grades, but I needed to money for rent.

I vowed that I wouldn’t let that happen to my kids and I saved from when they were born for their university education. I know that not everyone can do this, but you do have a way to help you Ds, so I’d take it.

I can see how the injustice and favouritism must be hurtful. I remember your earlier posts, and at the time I thought that the money BIL and nephew have had (and squandered) probably doesn't make up -either emotionally or, over a lifetime, financially- for a stable, loving family. And I agree with PPs, the money comes with so many strings attached that it wouldn't probably wouldn't be worth the risk of having them meddling in your lives.

Perhaps if you are determined to ask, you could take the approach of asking whether the church funds bursaries for students, though imagine they'd ask for a level of religious involvement that your son won't be happy with.

If they did offer money and make demands I am considering agreeing then just not doing it

So you will be stealing off them under false pretences? Youre no better than your niece/nephew.

Perhaps aks them for an interest free / low interest loan on the basis that investing in a Dr is better than in cocaine abuse

Bloody hell, talk about rubbing salt into the wounds!

Why would anyone say something so nasty, let alone when they're trying to scrounge money off someone?

Apart from anything else, some teenagers dabble in all sorts of drugs when they get to Uni.

I don't see a problem with at least letting them know that he's going to medical school and will be struggling to fund it. Maybe he could contact them himself-- or at least along with you (but only if he knows what they're like and won't be too hurt if they don't offer to help him).

As long as you're prepared for the cold shoulder, I don't see what harm it can do. It's not as though there's much of a relationship to damage, at this point, and contrary to what some seem to think, I don't think it's wrong to want to know if they might be willing to help one (deserving) grandchild after they wasted so much on another grandchild.

As far as Gilmore Girls goes, it's more of a comedy-drama. The grandparents are far from perfect, but they're nicer than your ILs sound...

I would swallow my pride and any principles and ask.

The OP has pride and principles?

Are we reading the same thread?

People are so weird on here.. asking a relative you have issues with for money for their grandchild doesn’t equate to stealing, scrounging or scamming anyone in my book, even if you do exaggerate how much praying you intend to do! Some very dramatic analogy’s going on here!

I’d ask in a respectful and polite way and appeal to the fact it is a positive investment in their grandchild. But be prepared to graciously accept whatever the response. Including a refusal and having your nose rubbed in it. That’s the risk you take I think.

I think financially supporting one dgc’s education to the tune of £50k and not giving the other one a dime is much worse than asking for financial help for your dc from their grandparents when you have a bit of a shit relationship. The dgps have no relationship with the other boy so the poor relationship between them and the OPs ds shouldn’t be an obstacle.
OP, I’d ask. Not “demand” as some people seem to be taking it, because it will be life changing for your ds, it’s not that weird for dgps to give dgc financial support, they have form for financially supporting family members, they can say “no”, you haven’t got a very good relationship to lose if they take massive offence. It might be their view that their other dgc has had such a hard life he needed the extra support, but they can say that if they want to.

What a grubby thread.

They handed 50K over to a Grandson they've never met, who turned out to be a junkie
Guilt money probably. The family clearly failed that child.

Love how your DH won't ask but will happily get you to do the dirty work. It's all so gross.

Wellll, it probably isn't right to ask, it's their money etc etc. But what's the worst that could happen? That they cut you out of their lives without a farthing? Considering that you're LC, would that be such a bad thing?

If worded correctly, I don't see why not. What's the worst that could happen? If you've thought through tall the possible outcomes and still feel it's worth it, then why not to try and help your child?

How would it affect your DHs mental health if they say no? How would your DS feel knowing DN was bestowed money but they weren't deemed 'worthy'. Even if they agreed you know it would come with strings and if you ignored those the money would stop regardless. I doubt they'd pay out 50k in a lump sum. I think it'd be a can of worms.

god your poor N

Is this normal here? (In the UK) To ask for money/help with children’s school fees etc?
No, it really isn't. Most people don't think they have any right to their parents' money, even when they have a close loving relationship, never mind parents that they actively dislike and avoid contact with.

Sometimes grandparents offer, more often with school fees than university, I think.

I would ask. Times have changed. The older generation are the ones with all the money these days. Your DS is their family. I think it is entirely reasonable to ask them to help with fees for Med School.

What AllPizzas said.

But given the cold way the OP is acting about it, it wouldn't surprise me if her DC grows up to treat his parents the same way too.