AIBU to ask PIL if they have made the same financial provision for all GC

[BonitaBonita]

Genuine AIBU here, I don't know if I would BU to do this.

We are LC with PIL, DH had a very difficult upbringing. BIL is an alcoholic and lives in sheltered accommodation. In 2016 BIL estranged child contacted them and said he was entering a very prestigious training scheme. I was very specific and clear and told them in no uncertain terms that this was not true as he did not have the qualifications required, that the emails he was showing them were from homemade email addresses etc. They chose not to listen and handed over £50k over a 12 month period. It eventually came out that DN was a drug addict and they stopped paying him and are now very bitter about his scam and their loss. They are wealthy and have received several large inheritances and have been on 6 holidays in the last 12 months so they are not hard up following this loss, but it must have been very hurtful.
DS is about to start Uni. IABU to ask them if they have made equal financial provision for all their GC's training and education?

I know it is their money and they will do with it as they wish, but I find it difficult that DS who is planning on studying medicine will rely on loans (we are below the income bracket for parental contribution but will help where we can) whilst his cousin was handed such a lot of money for no reason.

DH has never received any financial support from them and we have never asked for a penny. He will not ask for the good of his own mental health but is happy for me to 'do what ever you think is best'.

AIBU to ask?

He can't cope with any of them other than at extreme arms length, so we are LC and ask for nothing
If that's the case I really can't understand why you would ask them for money. You don't want to see them or talk to them. Why would you accept their cash?

I am English, come from a fairly well off family, where making provision for the next generation is considered the normal thing to do. When her DGC were born my mum put aside a 5 figure sum each DGC to access at 18, for uni or house deposit or whatever.
So I find a lot of these threads on MN rather odd.

I have not read the OP’s other threads but I do not read her in the way others do (‘rubbing her hands together’ ).

OP, it seems that you have nothing to lose and something that would greatly help your DC to win. But I agree that if they refuse it could affect your DH quite badly so either you don’t tell him you’re doing it, or don’t do it at all.

BIL is obviously the "golden child" who can do no wrong and needs to be subsidised throughout his life. His son probably inherits some of that gloss - your PIL will no doubt continue to fund their lifestyles no matter what they do.

You say you are LC and don't ask for anything - I'd keep it that way. They won't be shamed into thinking they should equalise their generosity - people like that don't ever behave as you'd expect. and they'll probably think you've got a hide to ask for money when you have such little contact .

I think you will probably go ahead and do it - but expect it to end in tears OP.

I agree with not wanting to be indebted to them. I also think even if there was 50k available it would still be best to take the full loan and keep the 50k (e.g. put it towards a house purchase) because you only have to pay the loan off while you're working and you never know what the future might bring. I worked in a well paid job for 10+ years and paid a big chunk of my loan off during that time, but I had to change careers for medical reasons and now I'm not earning enough so don't have to continue paying. The equivalent money helped me to get on the housing ladder and has been worth a lot more than not taking the loan.

It will be the same people who think it's grabby for GPs to pay for GC education who then whine about "their inheritance" being needed to pay for care home fees. I'd stake money on it (not kids uni funds though obvs)

I think I'd ask. Yes its grabby but so what? They say no and you haven't lost anything. They get offended and you havent lost anything plus if they fall out with you then you know where they stand given they dont fall out with BiL when he asks

Opinionated

Your child is your responsibility, no one else's

so I assume, in your house, should anything happen to you and your DP, that your children will just be left to fend for themselves, right? After all, there no-one's responsibility but yours. Right? Obviously no other family member is going to take responsibility for your DC - they're yours, not theirs, and not their responsibility. Right?

What a pile of shite.

They are poisonous.

@BonitaBonita Agreed. So WHY would you sell your soul to the devil, open up old wounds and contact poisonous people to ask for money which you KNOW will be held over your son’s head forever?

It’s not worth it. Steer clear.

@CassianAndor Are you thick? Should anything happen to me or my partner, we have relationships with certain people who would take our children on. They are not people that we dislike or who we cannot trust. These are decisions parents make together with the approval of those who would then take care of them.

Nonetheless, they're still not their responsibility unless I ask them to take them on and they agree to it. This stands whether I'm alive or not.

The only shite here is what you stated, the stupidity of it is astounding.

You may wish to use people you dislike, but most people are not that way. Nor is anyone financially responsible for children you and another have made. If someone wishes to help you that's fine but they do not have to.

.

whoosh>>>>>>>>>>>

well done for completely missing the point, Opinionated.

YABU

Just start doing a lot of conspicuous praying. "Paris is worth a Mass" and all that.

I agree with OpinionatedCyborg @CassianAndor .

Plus you're the one who has spectacularly missed the point.....

and?

what a bizarre post. Do you think you adding your weight is going to make me change my mind? That's rather arrogant.

The point, to be clear, is posters who chuck around the 'they're your children, your responsibility' obviously don't actually adhere to that because they will have arranged provision for their DC should the worst happen to them, thus actually, yes, making their DC someone else's responsibility.

Hence it's a fucking stupid thing to say. But it does get chucked around a lot on MN, in a rather mindless manner.

Don’t ask!

It’s their money, to do with as they see fit. It’s not for you to suggest they invest in your child because they spent money on their other grandchildren.

Yabvu to even consider asking.

a few grabby people on here today looking for money hand outs and the like, it brings out the worst in a lot of people sadly.

I would ask, yes they were scammed before, but your son is going to med school, something to be proud of surely.
Are they aware of that if you are low contact?
If they say no, you have lost nothing. If they do help then they have helped for the good of everyone, a christen view if they are in the church.
I dont see this being grabby, I see it as your family helping a member of their family, nothing wrong in that.

When her DGC were born my mum put aside a 5 figure sum each DGC to access at 18, for uni or house deposit or whatever.
So I find a lot of these threads on MN rather odd

How many people have this sort of money though? Enough to give each gc a 5 figure sum? Surely there's not many folk who could afford to do that.

It's about the mindset, Apricot, not the amount. It sounds like the OP's in laws are fairly well off - like my family, and probably like with other MNers. But my family have the view that you make provision for the younger generations - especially in this day and age where everything that was affordable for my mum isn't any more. No more ready employment, final salary pensions, affordable housing, free university education, school fees have sky rocketed, etc etc etc.

Yabu.
It is their money.
They probably felt an extra need to help their estranged DGS as he probably missed out over the years.
When they die you can clear any student loans for DS with inheritance.
Sounds crude but asking is crude too.

My reply above was to @CassianAndor I’m not sure why it didn’t tag him/her before.

they were prepared to help the estranged GDS by giving him £50k which he spunked on coke so why not give OPs child some cash for living costs during med school which is really hard work and he will have worked bloody hard to get into. But posters think that's grabby. Fucksake!