AIBU to ask PIL if they have made the same financial provision for all GC

[BonitaBonita]

Genuine AIBU here, I don't know if I would BU to do this.

We are LC with PIL, DH had a very difficult upbringing. BIL is an alcoholic and lives in sheltered accommodation. In 2016 BIL estranged child contacted them and said he was entering a very prestigious training scheme. I was very specific and clear and told them in no uncertain terms that this was not true as he did not have the qualifications required, that the emails he was showing them were from homemade email addresses etc. They chose not to listen and handed over £50k over a 12 month period. It eventually came out that DN was a drug addict and they stopped paying him and are now very bitter about his scam and their loss. They are wealthy and have received several large inheritances and have been on 6 holidays in the last 12 months so they are not hard up following this loss, but it must have been very hurtful.
DS is about to start Uni. IABU to ask them if they have made equal financial provision for all their GC's training and education?

I know it is their money and they will do with it as they wish, but I find it difficult that DS who is planning on studying medicine will rely on loans (we are below the income bracket for parental contribution but will help where we can) whilst his cousin was handed such a lot of money for no reason.

DH has never received any financial support from them and we have never asked for a penny. He will not ask for the good of his own mental health but is happy for me to 'do what ever you think is best'.

AIBU to ask?

First instinct was no, its grabby. Then I thought about it. I dont think it would be unreasonable to ask for x amount for DC accommodation. I'd ask for specific amount of how much halls cost

I would ask, yes they were scammed before, but your son is going to med school, something to be proud of surely.

Yes, something for the parents to be proud of, as they raised him.

Something perhaps also for the grandparents to be proud of, even thought they are low contact.

However, it doesn't therefore follow that they should be stung for 50k because they have an over entitled DIL who wants to grab their cash under false pretenses, for her child.

And let's not forget. You can be as proud as you like of any 18yr old who's decided to go to Uni, but that's not going to stop him dropping out should he choose to.

@CassianAndor
The point you made earlier (very aggressively I might add) makes no sense whatsoever, however you want to dress it up.
The OP's son can apply for University fees and pay it back later. Doctors earn a decent salary by anyone's standards, so he can pay it back then. No need for his mother to ask anyone for anything. Has the OP even asked her son what he thinks?
He must be ??around 18-a lot of 18 year olds wouldn't accept money in these circumstances.

You're clearly going to do it anyway. Good luck with that.

It's quite appropriate to tell them about the university place, mention the financing etc but not to ask - they should offer if they wish to.

CassianAndor’s point made perfect sense to me. It really is quite straightforward.
@OpinionatedCyborg bit off to keep making personal remarks about Cassian’s intellect.Not only is it poor form it reflects rather badly on your own intellectual capacity.

I would never ask....If they offered then thats fine but no to asking.

When her DGC were born my mum put aside a 5 figure sum each DGC to access at 18, for uni or house deposit or whatever
So I find a lot of these threads on MN rather odd

How many people have this sort of money though? Enough to give each gc a 5 figure sum? Surely there's not many folk who could afford to do that

Clearly lots of people have enough money to save , say, £30k in total for their three grandchildren.

All the people who could drive a £50k but drive a £20k one and save the money.

All the people who spend £8 a day on sandwiches and coffee and a pastry in their office job. They could take sandwiches to work and save £1,400 a year for 8 years and have £11,200.

All the people up smoke 20 a day could save £4,500 a year. They could put three hours grandchildren though uni with no debt at all if they quit for 18 years.

Well to be fair his cousin was neglected by the bastard that they raised. Arguably they were trying to make good their mistakes. Your child on the other hand seems fairly privileged and I doubt their conscience would be equally burdened when he has parents and government subsidies to support him.

Crikey.

YABU

As you're low contact and have a poor relationship with them, it's grabby.

Do they have any kind of relationship with your DS? If so, he can ask directly...but you shouldn't.

I would be very angry if my DH did this, when I barely speak to my parents.

You'll just look like the greedy wife.

I'd approach it as a conversation rather than an outright question. 'We are really worried that DS might not be able to finish his course due to financial reasons............. I don't want him to start and not finish............., so we were wondering if we could ask for a financial contribution either as a loan or as extra special Christmas/birthday presents to get him through..........I'd rather you gave him the gift of being able to provide for himself than anything else.........DH doesn't like to ask but let us know if you can be of any help.....

To be honest, if they are church goers, they are likely to be used to being asked for contributions to all sorts.

It eventually came out that DN was a drug addict and they stopped paying him and are now very bitter about his scam and their loss.

Yes I have read the thread, all the Ops updates, and a smattering of responses.

So the old PILS have been scammed (your words, OP) , this does come under 'financial and material abuse' and you think its unfair and want a slice of the pie too. Not only that, they aren't even your parents, you're contemplating guilt tripping the in laws for money because they've already been financially abused.

Amazing. You couldn't write the twists and turns on Mn if you tried.

U are low contact and clearly don’t like them, YABU

Well OP if you ever return you can conclude YWBU to expect a reasonable answer from the Jeremy-Kyle addled morons here.

If they stumped up £50k for their other grandson, it's defo worth asking. Under the circumstances, why not? The worst they can say is no. It's their money and all that, but they might surprise you and DH. You say they are difficult and cold, so it could go either way, but you are not going to sour a good relationship by asking. I wouldn't tell your son unless they say yes though, so as not to get his hopes up.

YABVU

My DH's family is dysfunctional/toxic and I would never dream of making a decision like this.

It's not your decision to make! It's his family! His childhood experiences, his complicated relationships, his deep-rooted feelings of hurt and rejection and everything else.

I have always accepted it and not really thought about it but I feel differently for my DC.
It's not about how YOU feel! And that's tough but you have to suck it up.

"DH has mental health issues related to BIL who abused him throughout his childhood. He can't cope with any of them other than at extreme arms length, so we are LC and ask for nothing."
So carry on asking for nothing!

They will say no and everyone will feel hurt all over again.

Have you and your DH ever read the Susan Forward books (Toxic Parents and Toxic In-laws)? Have you even had counselling together or separately to discuss his fucked up family?

Grabby.

By your own admission you are low contact with them, doesn’t look right to ask them for any financial support. As you say, it’s their money, they aren’t obliged to help, if they want to they would offer to help. ( unless they aren’t even aware that he is starting med school soon, because you are low contact, but then maybe make more of an effort??)

Ps if any of my relatives called me ‘difficult and cold’ I’d not be giving them a penny.

So BIL is a child rapist, who repeatedly abused your husband to the point of mental illness.

PIL are child-rape enablers/apologists, who also compounded their predator son's crime by acting against the victimised child's interests (and those of her child).

They also repeatedly failed to protect your husband from BIL's continual abuse. Either they were lazy/negligent parents who weren't engaged enough to notice, or they knew but didn't care enough about your husband's wellbeing, pain, fear, suffering to do anything about it.

Either way, they certainly don't seem to conflicted about it now - they've spent decades making his life as cushy and consequence-free as possible.

Why on earth do any of you have any contact whatsoever with any of these people?

Why are your standards for yourself and your family so low?

Why would you expose your child in any way whatsoever to a child rapist and the sick family system that enabled and protected him?

Addendum: Why would you lower yourself to scratch for money from these people?

Have some pride and self-respect.

I can see where you're coming from OP.

You're trying to do the best for you're child and see a huge imbalance between how your DN and DS (and also BIL and DH) have been treated.

I know a financial contribution would be a benefit to your DS, but given the toxic nature of your in laws, the cost would be akin to taking money from a loan shark - the re-payment being far in excess of what was provided (emotionally and demandingly as opposed to financially).

My PIL's are committed Catholic's. They are lovely people and can't do enough for their GC.

However they know people (through church) with similar attitudes to your PIL's.

They are vocal about tithing significant amounts plus annual "show" donations to the church for upkeep for specific items (usually those that have a brass plaque with their names on it).

Yet their children and GC get very little "investment" (financial or emotional) whatsoever unless they "conform" by attending church, praying etc etc.

PIL's can't understand it. It seems (and imho is although I'm not religious) very unchristian to them.

They tithe but have never put any pressure on the rest of the family to "pray" for assistance from them or attend Mass.

They give it freely - because they are genuinely nice people and whilst strong in their faith they don't think you can, or should, "bully" people into finding God (a disingenuous faith based on gain is not true faith).

So no, I wouldn't ask. Not because you have nothing to lose, but rather I think you and your DS have a lot to lose by giving them some leverage over your lives.

Your DS is far more likely to flourish with your unencumbered emotional and practical support than with the baggage any financial assistance your PIL can give.

What Ce7913 said