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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask PIL if they have made the same financial provision for all GC

205 replies

BonitaBonita · 24/06/2019 20:55

Genuine AIBU here, I don't know if I would BU to do this.

We are LC with PIL, DH had a very difficult upbringing. BIL is an alcoholic and lives in sheltered accommodation. In 2016 BIL estranged child contacted them and said he was entering a very prestigious training scheme. I was very specific and clear and told them in no uncertain terms that this was not true as he did not have the qualifications required, that the emails he was showing them were from homemade email addresses etc. They chose not to listen and handed over £50k over a 12 month period. It eventually came out that DN was a drug addict and they stopped paying him and are now very bitter about his scam and their loss. They are wealthy and have received several large inheritances and have been on 6 holidays in the last 12 months so they are not hard up following this loss, but it must have been very hurtful.
DS is about to start Uni. IABU to ask them if they have made equal financial provision for all their GC's training and education?

I know it is their money and they will do with it as they wish, but I find it difficult that DS who is planning on studying medicine will rely on loans (we are below the income bracket for parental contribution but will help where we can) whilst his cousin was handed such a lot of money for no reason.

DH has never received any financial support from them and we have never asked for a penny. He will not ask for the good of his own mental health but is happy for me to 'do what ever you think is best'.

AIBU to ask?

OP posts:
SolitudeAtAltitude · 24/06/2019 22:13

Your PIL are not responsible for your DS

You and your DP are responsible

How can you demand money of people you don't respect, don't like, and hardly see?

They do not owe you. You are free to make your own money

Bignicetree · 24/06/2019 22:13

No way ! I can’t believe this has even crossed your mind.

Howyiz · 24/06/2019 22:15

For my child? Absolutely I'd ask. If they say no, you are no poorer.
If it comes attached with strings you don't have to take it.

Whoops75 · 24/06/2019 22:15

I think you should send your son to ask
He is more likely to get a favorable outcome,you don’t seem to have a good relationship with them.

CherryPavlova · 24/06/2019 22:15

Up to,them how they choose to spend their money.

Original poster
BonitaBonita · 24/06/2019 22:15

Thanks for all the opinions. I have not posted about this before and haven't seen Gilmore Girls, maybe I should watch it?!

Yes DS can do this alone and probably will, with all the support we can give. We've always been self reliant. DH does not think his feelings towards them can get worse and says his stance will only be vindicated if they refuse, he is happy for me to ask. He will not ask.

PIL have indicated that they will leave their money to the church, and they tithe and give additional donations atm so it seems likely we will not receive any inheritance and have never expected any. FIL likes to pray with people and make them pray. We won't be involved in it at all, which separates us from the 'inner circle' who receive money. N prayed for his money. DS won't be praying. I'll think on.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 24/06/2019 22:17

I absolutely would not hesitate in asking OP. They handed 50K over to a Grandson they've never met, who turned out to be a junkie. I'd ask the question definitely, what's the worst that can happen, they say NO..

go for it OP. Flowers

Withington · 24/06/2019 22:20

If it was for you - no. But for children - yes of course, worst they can say is no. If they do say no best leave it at that though! I would probably set out just how much he will end up in debt if no help received - 6 years worth of £9k tuition alone is a big chunk around your neck.

Whathappenedtooursummer · 24/06/2019 22:22

Dh should ask. If it's a no he should make peace with going nc. Having spelled out that his ds isn't as worthy as dn should help him make that decision.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 24/06/2019 22:22

If you ask if they would be willing to contribute to your son's university costs, how do you really think they will respond? Are they likely to just either say yes or no, or will there be a massive fuss just because you asked? Will your colossal nerve be moaned about to every single person they know, and is it likely that they would constantly remind everyone that they had given your son money? They don't sound like involved and committed parents to your husband so unfortunately it doesn't sound too likely that the result of asking would be a cash gift. However, if you feel that you need to know you have tried everything to help your son, then I can understand that.

In my family, I would ask my parents (PIL both dead) in the certain hope that they would take loud and massive umbrage at the very nerve of me for even asking, and enjoy the 2 or 3 years of them not speaking to me, but I would know for certain that they wouldn't cough up any actual cash.

saraclara · 24/06/2019 22:23

You've chosen to go VLC. So you have a brass nerve to suddenly surface and ask for that sort of money. You can't have it both ways.

NCforthis2019 · 24/06/2019 22:23

Is this normal here? (In the UK) To ask for money/help with children’s school fees etc?

upple · 24/06/2019 22:24

I can't believe I'm saying this, it's so not like me, but yes I think you should ask for your son. If the answer is no, then it makes everything so much simpler all round. Good luck OP.

Idontwanttotalk · 24/06/2019 22:27

YABVU. I am horrified that you can be LC with your ILs yet be happy to scrounge off them.
In the circumstances where they've already lost money to an estranged GC, I'd expect them to be a lot more careful and refuse to give out money to someone they hardly have a relationship with.

I think you are money-grabbing and it's very hurtful of you to not bother with much contact yet want their money. Despicable you.

upple · 24/06/2019 22:31

Wanting to help your children isn't despicable.

Myheartbelongsto · 24/06/2019 22:32

I feel a bit embarrassed for you.

What is your son going to be doing to support himself while he's studying?

WorraLiberty · 24/06/2019 22:35

Good God

The poor fuckers got scammed by an estranged grandchild and now you want to scrounge another 50k off them for your kid too, even though you're low contact and don't even like them.

I hope they leave every penny to the church when they're gone.

Owlsintowels · 24/06/2019 22:37

I'd ask if I could work out the wording and muster up the courage. You / your DD have much to gain and not much to lose

However I'd ask as a standalone request, initially at least. I think approaching in a 'you gave him this, will you give the same to DGC' way feels somehow confrontational and critical, whereas just asking some variant of 'DGC is about to do this course with huge costs, we're really proud of him but it's going to be tough. I hope you don't mind me asking you to consider whether you'd be willing to contribute towards' kind of way feels more constructive IMO

However you / others might not agree

Original poster
BonitaBonita · 24/06/2019 22:38

Some of these replies are getting a bit OTT Grin It's classic AIBU!

Thanks to those who understand, there are problems either way, and no easy way whatever their response even if I do ask. They are so difficult and cold. Poor DH had a terrible childhood and is a fantastic dad to his DC. He always tried harder than anyone else to help N but it was fruitless. PIL enabled him and caused a lot of the problems which resulted in him ending up in prison. It's odd as we both endured a lot of ill treatment ourselves but seeing them enable BIL alcoholism and irresponsibility and N drug addiction and how FIL wants them to be reliant on him and 'worship' him in order to get the money has woken us up. They are poisonous. If they did offer money and make demands I am considering agreeing then just not doing it - as they have done to us so many times. I know it sounds awful. IABU to consider it but I am considering it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BonitaBonita · 24/06/2019 22:38

Good point Owls.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 24/06/2019 22:41

If they did offer money and make demands I am considering agreeing then just not doing it

Or you could consider knocking door to door and scamming other people in your area?

DisputedChair · 24/06/2019 22:42

So, a pair of people you don’t like and hardly see got scammed for £50 k by a drug addict estranged grandchild, and you think that’s a reason to ask them to support a different (semi-estranged?) grandchild?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 24/06/2019 22:42

I like @Owlsintowels‘s suggestion.

justasking111 · 24/06/2019 22:43

You would be surprised how many grandparents fund private education, I see them at school every day. But I would ask myself would there be strings attached that your DS would find difficult. Wealthy people can use money as a form of control. Your DS is studying medicine when qualified he will eventually earn a lot of money and be able to pay off his student loan. Having gone NC with my own family for very good reasons, I would not ask them for a penny.

You could all get sucked down a very deep rabbit hole.

RhiWrites · 24/06/2019 22:45

Don’t ask. The money is cursed.

Let your son begin his career as most students do, with loans. Don’t saddle him with this bitter inheritance where money and relationships are weaponised.