AIBU to ask PIL if they have made the same financial provision for all GC

[BonitaBonita]

Genuine AIBU here, I don't know if I would BU to do this.

We are LC with PIL, DH had a very difficult upbringing. BIL is an alcoholic and lives in sheltered accommodation. In 2016 BIL estranged child contacted them and said he was entering a very prestigious training scheme. I was very specific and clear and told them in no uncertain terms that this was not true as he did not have the qualifications required, that the emails he was showing them were from homemade email addresses etc. They chose not to listen and handed over £50k over a 12 month period. It eventually came out that DN was a drug addict and they stopped paying him and are now very bitter about his scam and their loss. They are wealthy and have received several large inheritances and have been on 6 holidays in the last 12 months so they are not hard up following this loss, but it must have been very hurtful.
DS is about to start Uni. IABU to ask them if they have made equal financial provision for all their GC's training and education?

I know it is their money and they will do with it as they wish, but I find it difficult that DS who is planning on studying medicine will rely on loans (we are below the income bracket for parental contribution but will help where we can) whilst his cousin was handed such a lot of money for no reason.

DH has never received any financial support from them and we have never asked for a penny. He will not ask for the good of his own mental health but is happy for me to 'do what ever you think is best'.

AIBU to ask?

Fuck that, after reading your updates I'd bloody well ask. They have shelled out thousands to the prick who got a 14 year old pregnant. He should have been jailed, not financially supported by his parents. They have some fucked up morals. Ask and if they refuse, then go NC.

The other thing to consider is whether any funds will come with strings. It might be very difficult to maintain being low-contact if they're handing over cash - it alters the balance of power.

Your son applies for his course fee loan and maintenance loan -he'll qualify for the full amount if your income is what you say it is. In the holidays /weekends he can get a job like other students do and have always done. Including medical and dental students who have longer University terms. When your son qualifies he can pay it back. Absolutely no need to involve the PIL at all.

Agree, youve nothing to lose.

Asking is not demanding.

I'd ask but not in a way that implies there is judgment or consequences for saying no to you. Families help each other when they can.

Most grandparents I know inlaws and my own family fall over backward to help when needed. If they don't want to you haven't lost anything.

How will you feel if they say no?
Would you be so angry and embittered that you cut them off completely?

Thereby cutting your Ds out of their eventual will?

So if it is their ££ you want, you might be better playing the long game.

I would have a fit if my DH approached my family for money.

Sounds like you're nephew had a terrible start in life with a young mother who was still a child and a father who took advantage of his mother, he has a drug problem,ended up in care. I dont think its comparable to you're son being in a loving home with two parents going on to study medicine. I think the fact you're low contact it would be extremely grabby for you to ask for them to contribute to you're sons education. If they aren't good enough to bother with and have a proper relationship with then their money isnt good enough, it's not their duty to finance you're sons education who by the sounds of it has had a better start than his cousin.

I agree with Redbarrows. Say nothing or risk loosing any future inheritance for your DC

Agree with Snapped. Use Student Finance like almost everyone else and wait for an inheritance, if there is one. Massively grabby, esp since you have little to do with the PIL.

Ask. Worst they can say is no.

They sound awful.

Even if they don't give your ds any money, I would let go of any feelings of unfairness between your ds and his cousin.

Because really, would you want your son and nephew to swop places?
£50k is a heck of a lot of money, but it is nothing compared to being brought up in a loving stable home, and having a father who isn't a rapist.
Your son is the lucky one compared to his cousin, and it sounds like the less involvement your pils have in his life the better!

I really don’t think they would help anyway - because just look at how they’ve treated your husband - but if they did it would likely come with conditions attached.

Personally I wouldn’t want their money, they sound awful and I’d want my child as far away from them as possible.

Have you posted about DN before, OP? Quite a while ago? If you're the poster I'm thinking of, you did a fair bit to support DN in non-financial ways after it all went tits up. I can understand why you would want the extended family to support your DS somewhat, given that they comfortably could.

That said, if it's all LC/NC now, I wonder if you'd be better off giving them a wide berth, even it means cobbling together financial support for DS from other sources. Fwiw, there's a fair bit in the way of private bursaries, grants and prizes for medical students, e.g. the RSM's essay competitions, which almost nobody enters afaik. I wonder if you're well out of the family drama.

In general, I would think it was pretty awful to hit GPs up for money like this, but you've all been through a lot, I think.

My dd is in your DS’s position, @BonitaBonita. My DB and I are NC with my parents but although my dd19 and one of my DB’s children still see my parents, there is still inequality between the grandchildren. My parents don’t even bother to hide the inequality; they don’t care.

DH and I are low income now and I LOATHE the fact that my poor dd is having to get maximum loans when my parents are absolutely minted but I will never ask my parents for money and nor would dd want me to.

If they want to give money, they will offer. If they don’t offer, then don’t beg to your DH’s shitty parents.

And they make it clear they dislike our lifestyle (we don't go to church).

They don’t sound like people who would offer a generous financial gift with no strings attached. You could be setting your DS up for years of issues with them.

@TheHopefulTraveller
That's me. I did literally all I could. They are poisonous, it's sad for N.

You can't say to them you did X for X and you should then match it for X.

You can - and in this case, you should. It would give PIL a huge sense of pride and achievement to fund a GC for a worthwhile result. And it's introducing an element of fairness and decency into your family dynamic, which will be a welcome arrival.

I swear I have seen a really similar post to this previously.

Have you posted about this before?

To answer...

Personally, I would ask for uni fees assistance with absolutely no hesitation and no expectation.

If they say no, you’ve lost nothing.
If they say yes you will have given your child an enormous financial advantage in life...

I am very pragmatic about these sorts of things.

I’d ask. But I’d mentally and emotionally prepare for them to say no. Then you’ll feel more than resentment.

I agree there would be string attached of they had any contribution.

I am coming to the conclusion that IWBU to ask but I might do it anyway. I am thinking thru the consequences for all of us and the consequences of snipping the 'strings attached'. I am not a rash person and have been thinking about this for a while and discussing with DH. He will not ask for his own good reasons but encourages me to do what I think is best for us as a family and our DC.

Thanks for all the opinions.

I am totally prepared for them to say no, I expect that. It will not make me more resentful, but will clarify things.
DC know N had this money and how it was given. It is a sad situation :(

DH has mental health issues related to BIL who abused him throughout his childhood. He can't cope with any of them other than at extreme arms length, so we are LC and ask for nothing.

So how would it help your DH's mental health if they say no? Why would you risk stirring up more pain, feelings of rejection etc?

This reminds me a bit of Gilmore Girls. AIBU? ;-)

Anyway, I think you need to ask yourself, OP, just how much DS needs their money. From what you write, they sound pretty awful and not necessarily the kind of people you want to be indebted to. If the money is really vital to DS's future happiness and success, then yes, of course overcome your pride and do whatever it takes. If there are other roads that will allow you and DS independence from this toxic side of the family, try those first. Most students do not have wealthy grandparents who can step in and subsidise them at all. There are other options - at least for now. Getting the money from his grandparents may seem like the easy and comfortable solution now, but I think in the long run you may regret it, especially because your husband is uncomfortable with it.

My first thought was yes ask. But on reflection are they the sort of people who would hold it over you? If your son does it all himself( obviously you helping when you can) then you won’t be obligated to them.
But of luck he may get a decent wedge when they die.