Working mums bond with child

[Helppleaseargh]

Nc for this

Not sure where to start. I work full time and my daughter is 4.

I love her more than anything, and although I’m sure she loves me too, we don’t have the bond I think we should, and I think it’s because I work.

I see her for about 30 minutes in a morning and 2 hours in an eve mon-fri. Weekends are obv longer. We’ve been very fortunate that I have an army of female relatives in our extended family who have cared for her since I finished mat leave.

She now has the relationship with them I think I should have, as her mother. She turns to her grandmother if she is worried or upset. She gets excited to see them. She asks for them when they’re not there. When I get her from nursery she’s not bothered about seeing me. If I’m there and her gran, she picked her gran (ie to give her a bath, put her to bed etc). Her love for them radiates.

I try to do everything right and I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong. This is the most important relationship of my life, but as my dh says, she simply sees other maternal figures far more than she sees me because of my work. She’s too young to understand she can have fun with gran and aunties because mums working for her house, car, toys, clothes, holidays etc.

I’m devastated, frankly, and trying not to let her see. Where’s our special bond?! People say of children with working mums, ‘oh they still know who their mum is’ but I don’t know if she actually does :(

I had to go into hospital for two weeks last year and she stayed with her gran and was ABSOLUTELY FINE. Didn’t ask for me once, and was disappointed to return to her (clean, warm, loving, stable) home. It’s not that I want her to experience separation anxiety, but surely she should feel a bit closer to me than she obviously does??

Sounds like you and her are both pretty sorted tbh. I wouldn't over think it.

What things do you do with her when it’s just you?

Can you work part time?

Do you have to work? Could you manage on one salary but with less luxuries or do you need it to survive?

What bonding things do you do? Are weekdays a case of pick up, dinner, bath and bed and weekends trying to fit in everything you can’t do in the week?
Try to carve out special time for you both

I’m a stay at home single mother and my dc are exactly the same. Completely unbothered to see me and will always choose to play, cuddle, do bedtime etc with my dm or dsis whenever they’re around. Not because they love them any more than
me (I hope anyway!), just because they’re other people that they also have a deep relationship with. I went away for a few days last year and was so excited to come back to them. They could barely be bothered to say ‘hello’.

Don’t overthink it. She knows who her mum is and she always will. It’s a great thing that she’s got such a big circle of people who love her and who she is happy to be around.

Not helpful former.

I think you’re looking at this entirely the wrong way.

It’s amazing that she has host of relatives who love her and she loves in return. Think of all the children who don’t have that.

I’m certain you are more important to her than you believe. Us mothers are always our own worse critics. Just concentrate on being there for her, doing things with her when you have the time. The rest will follow.

Whatever it is, it isn't work. I've worked full time since ds was 14 months. He's 11 now and we're still inseparable. Just make sure the time you spend together is well spent. She's four and if she's used to being away from you then she isn't likely to get separation anxiety when with those she is familiar with. This doesn't mean she loves you any less. Four year olds are still very self centered and she won't see the world in the same way as you.

Does her dad work full time? How is his bond with her?

They are more fun than you!
My DCs don't have a close family member who looks after them but DS keeps calling me by the name of his (male) helper at after school club.
He still knows I'm his mum.

"She gets excited to see them. She asks for them when they’re not there. When I get her from nursery she’s not bothered about seeing me. If I’m there and her gran, she picked her gran (ie to give her a bath, put her to bed etc). Her love for them radiates."
I was excited to see my grandparents and my cousins as a child. I saw themess frequently and their spoiled/played with me. My parents were just there... being my parents :o I wouldnt have had it any other way!

Could you manage on one salary but with less luxuries or do you need it to survive?

I don’t know anyone who works for the ‘luxuries’. Securing one’s own pension should be reason enough to justify one’s employment.

And while we had plenty of settling in issues with nursery we also had plenty if days where they'd groan when I arrived to collect them, as I was breaking up the fun.

She sounds like a happy secure child who takes her mum for granted, and is lucky enough to have a good relationship with her extended family. If you want to see more of her then it may be worth looking into changing your working hours, but it really doesn't sound like there is a problem from her point of view.

You have this backwards.
She is comfortable and secure with you, she knows you'll be there because your her mum who has been there since day 1. She likes the other people when they are there and pays attention to them because they will go away again so she gets there attention when she has the opportunity. She has no need to do that with you, she knows when you're gone you come back, you leave her where she is safe and happy. You've created security for her and this shows her bond with you, it doesn't diminish it.

I used to think this about my daughter when I returned after mat leave.
What I've realised is, "choosing" grandma over you is a survival tactic.
You are her safe base. She doesn't need to choose you. She knows you're there. You're the anchor. But grandma looks after her sometimes so they need a bond too. She needs to show love to grandma as an outsider so she is kept safe by someone who isn't her main carer.
It's difficult for me to explain properly !
I've also learnt not to turn away from her and act like I don't care when she chooses someone else to comfort her. Say how you feel. Tell her you want a cuddle because you love her. She may reject you but she needs to know you'll always extend that love to her, even if you feel rejected and even embarrassed in front of others.
Always be there, always extend love and security and the bond is inevitable

Or you could give yourself credit that shes a very happy, emotionally stable child. Who feels extremely secure in her relationships that she can go and explore stuff knowing your all there.

My eldest is the most outgoing, unclingy child ever created. He happily went to a new school, where he knew no one, he has never cried for me, never clung to me, will happily spend loads time with grand parents. My other two are wee cling ons that I have to peel off me. Sometimes it's the childs personality

You're the only one who can judge the relationship, your options, and your feelings about it all.

Fifteen years ago the overwhelming MN line was 'go part time', now it's 'full time is the norm, fuck everyone and everything else'.

Ultimately, it's your life and only you can judge what you can afford, what your priorities are and what you choose from the affordable options.

I’m self employed and have my ds with me half the week sometimes more and he still goes to my dm if there’s a choice. But he’s knows I’m his mother as your daughter knows you’re her mother.
As pp said as mothers we over think things

Her gran seems to spend an awful lot of time with her ....longterm childcare, there of an evening when she's bathing, even having her when you were in hospital. Why didn't she just stay with her dad? I'm sure all this input is very helpful, but I'd be keen to spend more time as a nuclear family without all the 'army of female relatives'.

I have a lot of sympathy for you OP, and just wanted to reassure you that you aren't alone. My little boy is extremely close to my mum, who looks after him two days per week as I work (almost full time). He is genuinely devastated when she leaves and always wants her to do everything for him when she is around, like bedtime stories, bath etc. It doesn't feel good at all. I am glad he loves his Grandma but would rather his attachment wasn't QUITE so strong, and she agrees with this and feels awkward.

Things that have improved things-

• I have reduced my hours at work and do fun stuff with him on my time off. I work term time only four days a week so get decent chunks of time with him.
• My mum helps out with the housework side of things more when she is around him at home rather than taking him on exciting day trips out, to free me up a bit to have fun with him. I'm so grateful for this support and her recognition this is a positive move to help.

Please don’t feel like this, you sound like a lovely mum and I think that the way your daughter is now definitely is not permanent. I promise you one day soon the tide will turn and it will be you who she wants, especially when she starts going to school full time and the other family members won’t be needed to look after her as much.

I do understand it - I work full time too in a stressful job. DS (3) spends 3 days a week with my mother in law. As a result of this he adores her, and on some days he does say that he wants to go to her house/ sleep there etc and it does upset me, as even though i know it’s extremely healthy for him & me for him to be independent and to able to function without me, it’s not always nice to hear especially when I’ve spent the day at work. But there are more days where they’ll ask him if he wants to stay the night and he gives a resounding no and won’t go anywhere near them. I just think it’s the characteristically selfish nature of kids between the age of 2-4. They just think about their needs and wants at that snapshot moment in time.

PP are right, the other family members aren’t parenting - they are babysitting - this usually means that they are more fun, less strict and set less boundaries. What do you do in the time that you have together? If it’s just boring routine stuff (dinner, Bath, bed) then can you try and fit in some activities? Do you have any capacity to work flexi and perhaps leave work an hour early on any days a week to fit in some “me and DD time” before the usual evening chores start?

why is her gran spending so much time with her? I assume your DH worked when you are in hospital but surely he came home in the evening. Millions of lone parents work and look after the children. not judging just trying to understand your set up which sounds a bit unusual.

do you think you might rely too much on the army of female carers?

I feel a similar way sometimes OP. I work full-time hours but compressed into 4 days but would like to do less. Is there any similar flexibility with your job?

My DS is with my parents 2 days a week and idolises them. It is lovely to see and I would much rather that then him not wanting to spend time with them but I do sometimes feel like he prefers them to me (as petty as it sounds!) They've been away recently so I've take leave to cover the days they'd normally have him and it's been lovely to have him all to myself for a while/do some special things together, always feel his bond to me is much much closer at times like that.

He spends another 2 days at nursery and I was speaking about this once with his key worker who said she'd read some research once about pushing boundaries and being less interested in parents over others was down to DCs knowing they have their parents unconditional love so they can push them away and choose other adults over them at times as they know their parents will always be there to go back to whilst others may not.

Think this is similar to what a previous poster was saying but it's always made me feel a bit better knowing that he feels and is secure in that unconditional love.

So you're doing a great job to have instilled that trust in your DD .

My main thought when I read this was how lucky your DD is to have so many people in her life that love her this much, and that she feels happy and secure with. The thing is, I think normal behaviours your DD is displaying (choosing Grandma over you for example when she’s hurt herself) are just as common for parents who are with their children all the time- but it taps into the guilt you seem to have about working full time, and you think it must be because of that, when it may well not be at all.

A parenting course I went on spoke about making sure you spend at least 10-15 minutes once or twice a day where it’s just you and your child (she advised both parents- if relevant- doing this, individually, with all children)- where you give the child 100% of your attention, don’t have any distractions of a phone etc, and you ask the child to chose what you are going to do- so whether that’s reading or crafts or playing their imaginary games or whatever. She said to tell them that’s what you’re doing, and ideally do it the same time each day so that they know it’s coming and look forward to it. So maybe you could have a time after picking her up and before you start making tea or whatever where you do this? You could sit down with her and think of some things she’d loved to do that would fit into 10/15 mins (specific craft things like make a robot- and have the bits ready you’d need to do that, or baking something simple? Or games etc) and both write them down and put the bits of paper in a pot, and then draw one out each day? Probably just things you’re already doing with her, but it might be fun for her and mean she’s excited when you pick her up?