Working mums bond with child

[Helppleaseargh]

Nc for this

Not sure where to start. I work full time and my daughter is 4.

I love her more than anything, and although I’m sure she loves me too, we don’t have the bond I think we should, and I think it’s because I work.

I see her for about 30 minutes in a morning and 2 hours in an eve mon-fri. Weekends are obv longer. We’ve been very fortunate that I have an army of female relatives in our extended family who have cared for her since I finished mat leave.

She now has the relationship with them I think I should have, as her mother. She turns to her grandmother if she is worried or upset. She gets excited to see them. She asks for them when they’re not there. When I get her from nursery she’s not bothered about seeing me. If I’m there and her gran, she picked her gran (ie to give her a bath, put her to bed etc). Her love for them radiates.

I try to do everything right and I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong. This is the most important relationship of my life, but as my dh says, she simply sees other maternal figures far more than she sees me because of my work. She’s too young to understand she can have fun with gran and aunties because mums working for her house, car, toys, clothes, holidays etc.

I’m devastated, frankly, and trying not to let her see. Where’s our special bond?! People say of children with working mums, ‘oh they still know who their mum is’ but I don’t know if she actually does :(

I had to go into hospital for two weeks last year and she stayed with her gran and was ABSOLUTELY FINE. Didn’t ask for me once, and was disappointed to return to her (clean, warm, loving, stable) home. It’s not that I want her to experience separation anxiety, but surely she should feel a bit closer to me than she obviously does??

I suspect it's her age, OP. My DD is a similar age and similarly takes me for granted/ always asks for more exciting family members over me. I work part-time. Some of DD's little friends are SAHMs who are gutted because their kids are all about Daddy and never go to mummy. Preschoolers can be little blighters to their main attachment figure.

I think we get sold this idealised vision of mummy and child in their little devoted bubble of two, where the reality is far more of a tug-of-war/ power struggle as they discover the rest of the world, pull away and assert their independence, come back to us, etc.

“Do you have to work? Could you manage on one salary but with less luxuries or do you need it to survive?”

This kind of statement really pisses me off. It is never said to working fathers

Being economically active, financially independent and building a pension is not a luxury.

Two hours every weekday evening with DD is really good IMO. It’s also great - though hard for you - that DD is cared for by familyz

For what it's worth, I was a wreck when my mother was in hospital when I was a child. This hasn't translated into a great relationship between us as adults. I was a very dependent child because she was controlling, didn't like me to be close to other adults and discouraged independence. This made me entirely "hers" as a child but has really fucked up our relationship in later years.

Could you make sure she's not given the choice of gran or you bathing her or putting her to bed? Work it so that at these times it's just you there. These are special times and it's not fair that you miss out on these as well as during your working hours. Tell your female relatives you are working on building up your bond with her and that you want to be doing all the bedtimes etc from now on. Will they support you with this?

What do you do with your 2 hours on weekdays? I always tried to take ds to one of the local parks for 30-45mins (even if it was a little bit rainy), dh would prep dinner for us coming home and he would do a fun bath then one of us start the bedtime routine.

They would support me in whatever I wanted...would make me feel a bit petty tho I think, to try to insert myself between them for my sake when they’re such a happy pair haha

I haven't read the full thread (and I will) but I just wanted to say that I have always worked full time and from when DCs were very young (under 6months). They are secondary school age now and we are very very close, and always have been. I'm a single mom with no family around though (except when their grandparents come from overseas) so when they weren't in nursery / school, they were with me.

I don't believe it is because you work but I don't know your situation. One thing I have always done is that the time I spent with them was very present time and we talked a lot and did a lot together.

It's not too late to develop a bond and be the one she turns to. I'd say just be there, be present. Silly things like watching peppa pig together, playing dress up or doing the washing up (badly) together goes a long way.

SAHP here, I was in hospital for 3 weeks last year and LO was fine without me !
Which is obviously good for her but still made me question my worth 😂 she will also pick absolutely anyone over me if given a choice.
(I suspect that’s because other people let her do what she wants and feed her junk where as I’m the boring old biddy who says no, tells her to be careful , that she can’t have a second doughnut and watch a marathon of shite tv all day)

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that I do think the amount of time you have with your child does potentially affect the bond you have.

After returning from maternity leave I worked three days a week and we had an great relationship. Lots of fun days out mixed with full days at nursery.

When she was three I took on a new full time role and within a month I felt our connection lessen. It didn’t help that we were both so tired after a full day at work/nursery but I also realised that we were both a bit more frustrated with each other because I knew less about what was going on it her little world. Be it the latest likes/preferences or friendship gossip. Not only that but the amount of times my daughter mistakenly called me her nursery keyworker’s name before ‘mummy’ was heartbreaking.

After six months I just didn’t feel I had the relationship I wanted so reverted back to three days again. To be honest it took about three months to get our relationship back to what we had before. Worth every second in my view and I would be very wary of working at that level again while she’s small unless I really have to.

Kids need time with their primary career to feel loved, safe and secure and I just don’t think anything else can replace that. Not saying you have to be a SAHM but I do feel there needs to be a balance that works for you both. Hope you find a solution that works for you.

Young kids don't care about holidays and excessive material items. This is personally why I'd never work whilst my kids are young, I loved mum being home with me when I was little and I hated after school club when she started working and felt lonely and bored there. I also felt she never had much time or energy to spend with me anymore but that's just me. I have a DD 5 she adores me over anyone else always has and my heart breaks for you I'd pack work in if possible and concentrate on building a bond with your daughter. My auntie bitterly regrets working all through my cousins young years.

Do they care about the rent being paid and food being on the table, @2eternities?

You do get that many people need to work to earn money? Vanishingly few people get to decide they just fancy not having a job.

Young kids don't care about holidays and excessive material items. This is personally why I'd never work whilst my kids are young

Well, whether they know it or not, they do care about financial security, a secure home, food to eat and the means to take advantage of all the opportunities life gives them.

I’d say they also care about having parents who can take care of themselves in retirement no matter what happens and will never have to rely upon them.

That’s why I’d never give up work.

I did say if possible, also not everyone who works has a retirement fund etc many barely make ends meet. I was merely pointing out that holidays etc are what adults want, kids especially young ones couldn't care less and would prefer more time with their mother than going on holidays they will barely remember.

The most important thing in my view is your loving mindset about wanting a good bond with your daughter. That mindset will stand you in good stead. I work and my children have had a combination of childcare - my husband (who works more flexibly), my mum (which is where I have had to be careful about asserting boundaries as she often oversteps, but my boys always knew who their mum was), a nanny, and nursery, and I also saw them for a couple of hours each evening and then at weekends/holidays, and by far the most significant thing was not the time spent, but what we did with it - and I’m not just talking about fun days out etc but the other parenting stuff of teaching them things, instilling values, pursuing hobbies and interests at home, reading, favourite movies, talking to them about their day and encouraging good conversation, just connecting with them. It is all that that contributes to building the relationship, not the time spent with them. The other thing that I’m not sure I’ve seen said yet on your thread is: it won’t be long till your daughter is at school and therefore will be doing something very different during the day than her current day- she won’t be building one-on-one bonds with a caregiver. And as the years go on she will learn more about you and the world and how brilliant it is to have you as a role model.

Are you a bit challenged with basic budgeting?

How many people think, hmm, I can afford to stay home with my child, but woah, if I work, I'll be able to afford a holiday! Wow! Better work then!

That makes no sense whatsoever.

Very few parents can afford to choose to stay home with children. The number vanishes to almost nothing if you take into account both parents.

2eternities why the assumption that she's working for luxuries?? Lovely guilt tripping post btw.

Incidentally, lots of kids love after school club. My neighbours kid is gutted she doesn't get to go and spends all her time begging her parents to book her in.

I can’t bear the snide suggestion that if women work it’s because they want ‘luxuries’.

No. Providing financially for your child is your fundamental duty as a parent. And no, that’s not a role reserved for those with a penis.

Hey, my son went through a phase of only wanting daddy! It lasted at least 6 months and I hated it. I was the primary carer at the time whereas my husband flies all over the world and sometimes only saw him for a few days in the week.

3 years later and it’s changed to me, I know it will change again.

Couldn't agree more. There's a definite assumption that men have the real careers and pay the bills and women have the little job for some spending money. And it's often women as much as men who think like this.

Hear hear,, lauriemarlow.

My mother worked full time (returned after 3 months) I had nannies and while I loved my nannies and as an adult am still in touch with them I never once questioned who my parent figures were.
Now as an adult I am so impressed that my mother managed to be a single parent to three children while being remarkably successful in her career and I’m thankful she gave me that example of being such a strong, brave woman.

OP your daughter is very lucky to have family she is secure with and close to. I cant see that being a bad thing at all. I grew up in a multi generation household and loved having granny who is a different personality and 'parent' to my mum.

I dont see my two dc much during the week other than a bedtime story and chat (perfect, i much rather that i dont have to do tea and bath) But dont you bond on weekends? 121 time is best but also family time.

And while it was luxuries my mother working meant we could afford for me to have a horse which was wonderful. She could afford to help me through uni, with a car.
If she didn’t work when my father (a fit, healthy man in his late forties) had died we would have really really really struggled. You never know what’s round the corner and there is so much more to being a good mother than nursery duties.

Hi OP

I work 4 days.

My daughter prefers my mum to me and always has.

I think its because when I'm with her I'm always doing other stuff- shoving on a wash, cooking, cleaning up etc. I do have quality time with her but it's always mixed in with other things.

When she sees my mum the attention is on her 100% of the time, and she gets to dictate the game and the rules etc and my mum does whatever she asks!

Completely different dynamic and I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be healthy for her to live like that all the time