Working mums bond with child

[Helppleaseargh]

Nc for this

Not sure where to start. I work full time and my daughter is 4.

I love her more than anything, and although I’m sure she loves me too, we don’t have the bond I think we should, and I think it’s because I work.

I see her for about 30 minutes in a morning and 2 hours in an eve mon-fri. Weekends are obv longer. We’ve been very fortunate that I have an army of female relatives in our extended family who have cared for her since I finished mat leave.

She now has the relationship with them I think I should have, as her mother. She turns to her grandmother if she is worried or upset. She gets excited to see them. She asks for them when they’re not there. When I get her from nursery she’s not bothered about seeing me. If I’m there and her gran, she picked her gran (ie to give her a bath, put her to bed etc). Her love for them radiates.

I try to do everything right and I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong. This is the most important relationship of my life, but as my dh says, she simply sees other maternal figures far more than she sees me because of my work. She’s too young to understand she can have fun with gran and aunties because mums working for her house, car, toys, clothes, holidays etc.

I’m devastated, frankly, and trying not to let her see. Where’s our special bond?! People say of children with working mums, ‘oh they still know who their mum is’ but I don’t know if she actually does :(

I had to go into hospital for two weeks last year and she stayed with her gran and was ABSOLUTELY FINE. Didn’t ask for me once, and was disappointed to return to her (clean, warm, loving, stable) home. It’s not that I want her to experience separation anxiety, but surely she should feel a bit closer to me than she obviously does??

Echoing the PP who said work isn’t the issue. Plenty of women work full time and have a close bond with their DC - this isn’t a stick you need to beat yourself with.

As others have said, the likelihood is you have a secure, well adjusted child who is comfortable with a range of carers. It’s great she has a good bond with wider family members. I would put money on her having no doubt over who her mum is and the importance of that though

Without a doubt she loved you best OP.
You are not bu to have these concerns.
She is having a wonderful time with her family whilst you are at work and what a lovely feeling for you,knowing she is happy!
You are her rock though,her one and only mum to whom she returns to every night.
As she gets older you will probably see more of her affection for you.
But rest assured knowing she is safe and happy,you are both very lucky to have all this family help so try turning this around and thinking what it would be like if she hated you leaving her or had to go to nursery and the cost of that.
Try to relax and let it go,everything is good.🌼🌼

My eldest DD largely ignored me until she hit her teens. Now I am pretty sure she appreciates me. But my other DCs didn’t behave like that. Some kids are just not very full on.

What strikes me in your post is how similar she sounds to my DD, who's two and a bit. I went away for a couple of days recently for work, and she was fine. She's always thrilled - screaming, jumping up and down - at the idea of her granddad and granny; she's often barely interested when I show up.

The difference is, I am my DD's main carer and she is with my pretty much every minute she's not in nursery (four afternoons per week). The work trip away was an anomaly as I'm mostly not working.

So, if anecdata is any reassurance, I can tell you you can't put this down to your work schedule! I keep being told that a child who is secure and happy will often not show signs of distress at being left with another carer, and they may not be desperate to see you when you come back - because they are so secure, they know you are coming back and they absolutely trust you will always be there.

It feels quite hard at times, when they're not sad you've gone or noticeably thrilled you are back, but it sounds as if you've raised a child who is secure and confident, and you should be really proud. It's heart-wrenching for you, but she is clearly getting exactly what she needs from you - the confidence to go off on her own and to know her mum will be there, so she doesn't need to get upset about it.

It’s lovely you have all this support but why would your mil be there to bath him when you’re home? I work and so does dh. Bathtime is bonding time for us and we take turns but wouldn’t want a grandparent doing it if we weee available.

I can see why that would be upsetting. A couple of my working mum friends have been through the same thing, one reduced her hours and one changed jobs completely, this is not always an option for some though.

You have to draw on the positives

If Gran has been with her all day, it is only natural that is who your DD will turn to her for comfort as Gran will be doing that all day with her. But look at it that it's a good thing she has such a good bond with Gran.

As your DH says she has formed strong bonds with other female relatives as she can't comprehend that you are going out to work to buy her house, car, toys and holidays. Surely it's a good thing she has so many people around her showing her love.

I'm assuming Gran isn't actually there at bath time and bedtime and DD is just asking for her ?

Is reducing hours a possibility for a short period before she starts school?

Really try not to beat yourself up, we are all just doing what we think is best for our children💐💐

Dh works full time too. He feels the same as I do but perhaps isn’t as upset by it. We both maybe had an idea of what relationship we’d have with our child - and not only do we not have it, but we have to watch our daughter have it with other people!!

Don’t get me wrong, I know how lucky she is to have all these people. I wouldn’t change that for the world, I’m just feeling sorry for myself a bit I guess.

Gran loves my daughter, and my daughter loves her, so much that they do spend an awful lot of time together. I think this does mean the time I have with her is always boring day to day business as usual stuff. Some kind words and helpful suggestions here, thank you!

Sounds like a normal happy little girl who is lucky enough to have parents and an extended family to love and care for her.

So I don’t have kids myself so I hope I’m not off the mark. But there’s definitely a ‘novelty factor’ with little kids. I am lucky to have some amazing nieces, nephews and good friends’ kids who I spend time with and am close to. I’m not bragging about how good an Auntie I am (lol) but if I’m at my best friend’s house her kid wants me to feed him, do bath time etc. My nieces and nephews have been then same. It’s not reflective of how they feel about their parents, they just love having attention from someone who they don’t see every single day! And I think they like creating that bond with another adult (I love having the chance to do all that stuff with them too and do feel it’s ‘bonding’). Just looking at it from the other point of view.

She sounds like a normal kid 🤷‍♀️

OP I have been a SAHM for ever - but when at primary my kids wanted a childminder - they seemed more exciting - they eventually realised it wasn't what they really wanted but at the time I was a little .
Kids are weird sometimes - but I'd be glad they love their extended family - you have them and she loves them - how can that be bad?

I work full time too, and my children spend a lot of time with my mum too, and my kids adore her.
But. They adore her, and go to her, and even ask for her when she's away because they're very happy and secure and loved. Your daughter doesn't pine for you because she is happy that you'll be back. You're her constant and she knows you'll be there when she needs you.
Being a working mum is hard but for a lot of families it's necessary and very happy. I love it, and mum guilt comes in many packages - working mum packages and stay at home mum packages.

If money allows go part time so that you can be there for her and go back to full time work when she is older. It is a moment in time that can't get back - don't miss it if you think you will regret it - they are only little for such a short time.

The fact that she's so well adjusted and can go to other family members easily is a reflection of how secure she is with her bond with you and her dad. She loves you so much that you're an assumed presence, so anyone new and interesting gets chosen for bathtime etc. If she was vying for your attention, that might be a sign that she's missing you or not secure, but it sounds like you're doing everything right for her. What a lucky girl to have so many people who love her and she feels connected to. Dont stress love.

I can really relate to OP here also. A very heartfelt message.

I went through something similar recently, not due to work but due to a long hospital stay. My partner was suddenly admitted to hospital and ended up staying for 9 months; this also resulted in me spending alot of time at the bedside in hospital too.

Naturally we relied on Grandparents during this time, and this was a godsend. We had no other alternative option. Our daughter was 18months when this began. When my partner finally came back home from hospital (now a wheelchair user) that's when I experienced what OP is experiencing.

The solution was for me to do everything for our daughter and only rely on Grandparents when there is no alternative. It's just a case of spending more 1 one 1 time with your daughter.

Whenever you are at home, even if Grandparents are around too, you be the one to feed, bath and put her to bed. You have to be firm with both your daughter and whoever she has a stronger bond. I 'let' Grandparents wash up, cook and clean while I do the hands on things with our kids.

When you are with them, be truly WITH them. No phones, no cartoons.

Make the weekends special. Take your kids to the beach, the zoo, pizza hut buffet, spoil them a little. Spend quality time with them.

Book days off work and devote them to your kids; especially before they start school.

Give them your full attention undivided attention and that special bond will return.

The kids will always be excited to see Grandparents, that's the way it should be. My parents bribe my kids. Sweets in the car. Honey in their milk. Way too much cartoons. Cooking them a second dinner when they don't like the first one. Its ridiculous. This is one of the reasons time with Grandparents should be limited, in my view.

You have done nothing wrong - you work and provide for your kids. Just reevaluate how you spend your time outside of work.

Good luck!

Was Gran there at bath time too or was your DD just referring to her?

I’d put it on the flip side that it’s fantastic that your DD has so many people that love her.
My DS is four and in nursery full time and he loves it, when it’s the weekend he asks to go to nursery and loves the staff there.
It’s pretty similar in a way? He loves the activities they do there and it’s far more fun than home!!! I see him probably 45mins in the AM whilst we are frantically getting dressed then running out of the door, and 2 hours after nursery before bed.
What is the set up when she starts school in September? Can you put her in a breakfast and after school club?

I have always worked full-time as dud my ExH. I was also the one who did the majority of the jobs even though I also did out of hours and on call work. My DD was in nursery and at four I felt similar to you. When she went to school we had au pairs and they seemed to be the fun ones.
However, now she is 15 we have an amazing relationship she recognises that I worked hard to ensure she had a strong stable home for her so that she could enjoy that relationship with her au pairs and nursery staff.
Honestly, I don't think that really started until she was 6 or 7 and our interests started to be similar.
Today we are travelling to a city about 40 mins from us we will have an amazing day wandering together looking at things and chatting.
The relationship we had when she was 4 caused me a lot of angst, but actually now with hindsight I know that providing that secure, stable constant that she never doubted is what has lead to the relationship we have now which we will build on and I hope maintain for life.

I went back to work full time when my son was three months old. When he was five months old, I started a three year professional qualification which involves five exams a year. It's taken over my life. We still have an amazing bond. He's happy to go to others but if he's poorly or he's hurt himself he just wants me.

I don't think you working is the issue and I don't think suggestions that you stop are helpful.

How much one-on-one time do you have? She really is a very lucky girl to have so many people around her that love her, though.

Actually I think you need to look at it a different way. You've raised a child that is confident and sociable who has a number of strong bonds with people who love her. That's great!!

Former what an unhelpful comment......of course all working mothers are just doing it for the luxuries 🙄

I work FT and my DD has always gone to nursery etc. I honestly think I’m a better mum for working, or, I never feel angry or upset with her, I can respond to challenges with positivity and love and she often tells me that she loves me and she doesn’t want to live without me (to a worrying extent actually)! But evenings and weekends we do lovely things together, always. Just hold on in there, I’m sure you’ll get there, she’s only 4. Mine is 8.

That all sounds perfectly fine to me. I don’t think children are ever really like what you are expecting with their parents. I was at home for a year with both of mine and then part time for some periods (2nd mat leave was when my dd was 4-5). She is absolutely the same. She will always choose a friend or uncle or granny over us. We just aren’t as exciting because we’re her parents.

My dh and I both work long hours many days, but alternately, so when I’m working til 7pm, he does the school run so is home with her from 3pm. On the days we aren’t home as much we really make the most of the time we do have. I lie down with her at bedtime and we talk about our days. We both also take her away for overnights just the two of us. My dh takes her camping and I just took her away for a weekend break. It’s better than family holidays because we get more focused time together (without her brother).

I’m assuming she isn’t in school yet, but when school holidays come around, you can take some time off to do things together. Mine is still in holiday club 3 days a week but we use AL to cover the other days so we each get some time just with her.

had to go into hospital for two weeks last year and she stayed with her gran and was ABSOLUTELY FINE. Didn’t ask for me once, and was disappointed to return to her (clean, warm, loving, stable) home. It’s

So was my friends ds and he has actually had a tantrum that he had to leave! But gp spoil him rotten, no rules like at his parents so of course it's fantastic and he wants to be spoiled more.

Oh and my mum friend is a SAHP, not working one so it's not just a working parent thing.