Working mums bond with child

[Helppleaseargh]

Nc for this

Not sure where to start. I work full time and my daughter is 4.

I love her more than anything, and although I’m sure she loves me too, we don’t have the bond I think we should, and I think it’s because I work.

I see her for about 30 minutes in a morning and 2 hours in an eve mon-fri. Weekends are obv longer. We’ve been very fortunate that I have an army of female relatives in our extended family who have cared for her since I finished mat leave.

She now has the relationship with them I think I should have, as her mother. She turns to her grandmother if she is worried or upset. She gets excited to see them. She asks for them when they’re not there. When I get her from nursery she’s not bothered about seeing me. If I’m there and her gran, she picked her gran (ie to give her a bath, put her to bed etc). Her love for them radiates.

I try to do everything right and I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong. This is the most important relationship of my life, but as my dh says, she simply sees other maternal figures far more than she sees me because of my work. She’s too young to understand she can have fun with gran and aunties because mums working for her house, car, toys, clothes, holidays etc.

I’m devastated, frankly, and trying not to let her see. Where’s our special bond?! People say of children with working mums, ‘oh they still know who their mum is’ but I don’t know if she actually does :(

I had to go into hospital for two weeks last year and she stayed with her gran and was ABSOLUTELY FINE. Didn’t ask for me once, and was disappointed to return to her (clean, warm, loving, stable) home. It’s not that I want her to experience separation anxiety, but surely she should feel a bit closer to me than she obviously does??

Everyone's situation is different also the kids dad and how much he helps plays a part too

I think you mean 'be parents' referring to dads 'helping' suggests it's the women's responsibility which is outdated and sexist.

I think your view of the world is different to most...i don't know a single adult who has an allowance.

I work in a client facing role high in demand (think therapy) so working from home, and flexing working, isn’t possible in my field.

Apologies to those I’ve unwittingly offended that was not my intention and not how I feel. I’m jealous of those with more time at home if anything.

School is another thing I’m dreading...how will I meet other mums, facilitate play dates, get to know teachers etc?! How do others do it?

Always turns into working mums slating stah mums saying we aren't 'setting a good example' - as PP said some mums cannot work, and these amazing careers are out of reach for many women for so many reasons I can't even list them all here. Very judgemental and tbh I've never known anybody more devoted to their mother who thinks the sun shines out her backside than MILs many kids and she's alcohol dependant and has never worked. Never met a closer family in my entire life and that woman is adored by many and has a ton of friends.

It really annoys me when people make out others are lesser because they don't spend their lives chasing status and material items. Time is the most precious thing you have, children are only little a short time. Also my kids are set for life they will never go without because my dad has a ton of money and properties of which we will get the lot one day. But I still keep in my mind nothing is guaranteed and to enjoy my family whilst I have them. But nonetheless I don't actually see a problem working if it works for you but clearly it is bothering OP.

I've had the allowance since I was 16 though it's been increased in recent years. He can afford it and as I said carries huge guilt about how the lack of a proper dad there for me has effected my life. I have a complicated life story I haven't fully gone in to. We are from one of the most deprived areas of the country and my dad left so he had a chance of success. So yes we think differently to many who have always had financial stability in the family iyswim.

and these amazing careers are out of reach for many women for so many reasons I can't even list them all here.

Why do you think these careers are out of reach for many women?

We are from one of the most deprived areas of the country

I'm not sure what that has to do with anything? I was born to teenage parents and grew up in deprived area too.

You are in a very unique situation - a grown women getting an allowance from her dad is unusual and it puts in you a relatively unique situation. If i'm honest, it's not a situation i would want to be in. But then a gain i'm not comfortable having any man provide for me now i'm an adult.

As an adult I'm close to my mother but when I was a child I don't remember having much of a bond with her. I was in full time childcare between the ages of 4-11 so my mom wasn't really an active presence in life, I probably only saw her 2-3 hours a day.

During my teenage years if I ever had any personal problems I would turn to other family members just because I felt closer to them than I did my mother.

Like I said though, I'm an adult now and I speak to her a few times a week, visit her about 3-4 times a month and I do go to her for advice with any problems I have.

However, memories of my childhood are what led to me going back to work part time after having my own children because I wanted to be around for them in the way that my mother wasn't.

However, I had the option to reduce mcarbon hours after having my children whereas my mum hadn't been in a financial position to allow her to reduce her hours.

All anyone can do is what's best for the family at the time within their personal financial limitations.

Intelligence level, ability, poverty, lack of self esteem and confidence, learning disabilities, physical disabilities, mental health problems that NHS provide little or useless ineffective treatment for, meaning they can't hold any job down, having full on caring responsibilities, Do you honestly need to ask this question? Why do so many on this website seem so bloody out of touch with the reality of many people's lives?

Even things like having a very ugly physical appearance can be a very real barrier to success particularly if that person is very low iq

So you wouldn't like Someone to give you £100s a week leaving you the option of not working? It's also my parent not a domestic partner so a bit different

Also it's not like I don't have the option of working i worked before kids this just means I can choose not to.

I'm a researcher and academic and I specifically research womens career development. I'm not out of touch with peoples lives at all....but you are! I'll address each of your points:

Intelligence level
Women are not less intelligent than men. That's a fact.
ability
See above
poverty
This isn't specific to women. People from lower socio-economic backgrounds are less likely to attend university and are underrepresented in elite careers BUT this is changing and poverty in itself doesn't mean women ( or men) can't have successful careers.

lack of self esteem and confidence

Now, this can be an issue which is why it's important to have good female role models

learning disabilities, physical disabilities, mental health problems that NHS provide little or useless ineffective treatment for, meaning they can't hold any job down
This is not specific to women and many people with these issues do manage to work

having full on caring responsibilities
Again, this does not have to specifically a female issue. I, like many other women, share parental responsibilities equally. There are choices to made here. Childcare is not solely a woman's responsibility.

So you wouldn't like Someone to give you £100s a week leaving you the option of not working? It's also my parent not a domestic partner so a bit different

No i wouldn't. I'm an adult and can provide for myself.

I also love my job and wouldn't give it up even if I could.

Even things like having a very ugly physical appearance can be a very real barrier to success particularly if that person is very low iq

There is some research been done on this and the concept of career attractiveness BUT it's not recognised as a barrier to work in general. Also, again, it isn't specifically a female issue.

Intelligence level does have an impact obviously BUT as women are not less intelligent than men it's not a barrier to women working,.

This thread is bonkers!
Op, you sound like a lovely family. You sound like a good mum.

As proved on mn daily, you can never do right. Someone somewhere will always tell you that you are wrong!

I work full time and have a great bond with my daughter. We have the full weekend together and the mornings/evening during the week.

I be bored stiff if I was a SAHM. I like that I am financially independent and I feel I am a good female role model to my DD.

It is hard in regards to making friends at the school gate etc but i am past the point of caring about that. I am lucky in my role as I can work from home some days if I choose so attending events is not so much an issue at the moment.

These threads always seem to turn into a SAHM vs working mum debate, when that's not really what the OP was asking about. For me personally I have enjoyed going back to a career I have worked hard for, and it's not like my partner feels bad for going to work and filling his pension pot- so why should I? It doesn't make you less of a mum going to work, and it's okay to say you're setting a good example; not that working mums aren't but it's almost like you aren't able to be proud of balancing working and motherhood without being torn down for it. You need to do what is best for you (you are still a person as well as just mum) and your family- and sometimes that is going back to work.

Benes I never said only women have these issues. But generally I find work more often done by WC women is much worse paid than the jobs done by working class men.

Also women get landed with caring responsibilities much more often than men for one. But yes in general many people not just women lack ability to achieve material success even if they could get a minimum wage job cleaning at McDonald's. They aren't going to be well off financially unless they have rich family and inherit or win the lottery. There was an interesting similar thread discussing how Michael gove said working class people should change who they are to get by ie become posh talking middle class Conformist. Blatant discrimination effects millions in this country think yourself lucky you aren't one of these people

Sandy she isn't balancing it, work takes up all her time and her DD now has barely any interest in her and looks to her gran as a maternal figure. That's not balancing and tbh how is working setting a 'good example'' without obviously believing not working is setting a bad one? My workless Mil raised much better adults than the posh parents of that pedophile Richard Huckle

Your post suggested that these were reasons why women can't have careers - it's simply not true.

I understand discrimination and the impact it can have on career development - probably more than most as I teach and research this subject.

I'm from a working class background - the first and only person in my family to go to university. I understand these issues - I've lived them too.

Broad, sweeping generalisations about womens ability to forge a successful career whatever their background are unhelpful. Yes its easier for certain sections of society but it's not as black and white as that.

Choosing to be a SAHM is a valid choice and shouldn't be minimised but to suggest it's in part due to the fact women can't have successful careers is just plain wrong,

I was raised mostly by my grandparents because my mum had to work all the time. I did favour my grandad over my mum and still do. Most of my memories are at my grandparents house. I remember feeling sad that I wasn’t getting any dinner with them on sundays as that was the only day my mum would cook for us at our own house.

I am a SAHM now, almost non existent help from anyone but it’s fine, they are my kids, I bear all the falls and the successes. If I were you I’d consider;

An activity after school, even if it’s just sitting playing a board game, reading a chapter of her favourite book, getting her to help do dinner, make whatever time you have with her ultra special. If you do still feel this way then think about other options after.

And you do see plenty of dads in the playground. And I had also a proper job

I think it was the reference to a “proper job” which stirred up some bad feeling, but the OP has since clarified so it’s fine. But I for one certainly wasn’t tearing anyone down.

Everyone has to do what is right for their family without fear of judgement. Xx

Of course you can believe it sets a good example, but your logic you're saying only SAHM's set a good example, which I don't believe to the case. The OP's daughter isn't disinterested in her, she enjoys seeing her gran which isn't unusual as they often do more of the fun stuff; and she works full time as many people do, not 24/7. Her daughter will soon be at school, and having grown in confidence spending time without her mum will probably stand her in good stead for socialising with others. The last comment doesn't even deserve a response it's so ridiculous. Both working and staying at home are equal choices, what I don't agree with is the shaming and the idea that feeling guilty for going to work is a fair and justified way to feel for a woman; and detrimental to children.

I’d also discount that grandparents do all the “fun” stuff. My grandparents did all the things my mum did, shopping, washing, cleaning, discipline. Seeing them was no special thing, they were effectively my parents in situ. I barely remember seeing my mum if I am totally honest. OP I don’t mean this to make you feel bad, it is just my experience x

Benes you are a fine example of one of these people, ooooh I'm a posh academic I am now going to belittle your life experience... Whilst at the same time presuming I said something I didn't (women less intelligent than men? Never said that) then pretty much agree with me!!

Yes many of those people get jobs, minimum wage ones where they can never hope to own a home etc, and many more cannot work in at all, everyone is affected differently.

I guess it depends a bit on the personality of the child, my mum worked full time and I didn't ever feel that she wasnt my number 1 or that our relationship suffered.

Why do you think these careers are out of reach for many women?

it's not really that hard to imagine that there are barriers to employment.

I have s severely disabled child that needs lifelong 24/7 care. once she is 18 the state won't take her over. it will be me to the day I conk out. I would love to work and have a fulfilling career. but there is no childcare (and post 18 care) available. what would you suggest. I am really open as I am quite desperate to get my career back on track.

Thank you.