Working mums bond with child

[Helppleaseargh]

Nc for this

Not sure where to start. I work full time and my daughter is 4.

I love her more than anything, and although I’m sure she loves me too, we don’t have the bond I think we should, and I think it’s because I work.

I see her for about 30 minutes in a morning and 2 hours in an eve mon-fri. Weekends are obv longer. We’ve been very fortunate that I have an army of female relatives in our extended family who have cared for her since I finished mat leave.

She now has the relationship with them I think I should have, as her mother. She turns to her grandmother if she is worried or upset. She gets excited to see them. She asks for them when they’re not there. When I get her from nursery she’s not bothered about seeing me. If I’m there and her gran, she picked her gran (ie to give her a bath, put her to bed etc). Her love for them radiates.

I try to do everything right and I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong. This is the most important relationship of my life, but as my dh says, she simply sees other maternal figures far more than she sees me because of my work. She’s too young to understand she can have fun with gran and aunties because mums working for her house, car, toys, clothes, holidays etc.

I’m devastated, frankly, and trying not to let her see. Where’s our special bond?! People say of children with working mums, ‘oh they still know who their mum is’ but I don’t know if she actually does :(

I had to go into hospital for two weeks last year and she stayed with her gran and was ABSOLUTELY FINE. Didn’t ask for me once, and was disappointed to return to her (clean, warm, loving, stable) home. It’s not that I want her to experience separation anxiety, but surely she should feel a bit closer to me than she obviously does??

Please do not take thus as a criticism I really don't mean this to be, but I really think when your child starts school you should reevaluate to see it you can be there to pu k her up from school at least some days each week.otherwise you will have no connection with her school. When they come out of school and see the other children's mums pick them up and take them home to relax and they still have another 2 or 3 hours to do at afterschool club, it is very hard
Your heart is telling you you are missing out and you are. Childhood is short once this time has gone it's gone forever

I think I might disagree with some posters here too. I hate working. I’d be a SAHM if I could. I hate that I’m paying someone else to take care of my child.

I would try everything I possibly could to go part time if I were you. I work part time myself and only seeing DD for 1.5 hours in the evenings on the days I am working absolutely devastates me but we get our days together to make up for it. I make sure I do playtime, bathtime, bedtime story and put her to bed in the evenings. I feel incredibly distant from her on the days I’m away.

The simple fact is there is only so many hours in the day and (I personally) think the day to day boring care taking stuff is so important. I think it’s more likely you will regret not spending time with your child than regret not working enough.

Also, I don’t understand why this has been made into a gender issue? As the OP is saying she is worried that she is missing out so the most obvious thing to ask is are you able to look at your budget so you can reduce your hours?

There’s no possibility of part time work unfortunately. I have a ‘proper job’ and everything, a niche career I’ve worked for for literally over a decade to reach. I love the example I’m setting for her and all your supportive responses galvanise me to think yes you’re right why am I guilt tripping myself?!

Then I read the odd ‘you’re missing out’ post and I feel the conflict all over again

Your daughter isn’t missing out though is she? She has wonderful people in her life who love her and sounds like she had a blast

To be honest it sounds like you have a wonderfully secure attachment.

I didn't have an army of people to help me but even if I had, I chose to send my little ones to a nursery.

Reliable, policy driven, monitored (I chose an amazing nursery so this isn't divorced from parenting!) it meant I had reliable child care not a replacement parent

I was always worried that a child minder would have more of a bond than I had so I avoided them...in some people's mind that will make me selfish!

She does sound v secure. In my experience, the children who are desperate to hug their mum when they come out of nursery are the ones who do not have a secure attachment. Your daughter knows she can get a hug at home. It's likely home life for her is calm and predictable.

Seriously? Seriously? She's very lucky that she has these loving relationships with other women in her family but you are making it all about you. Would you rather she be in a care situation with high staff turnover just so you can have the stronger relationship with her? She will appreciate your hard work when she's older - right now she's a little girl who loves her granny.. sheesh...

Sorry to hear you feel this way x

My mum didn’t work until I went to school and then only part time but in many ways I was always closer to my gran. She was single and me and my sibling were the absolute centre of her world and we adored her. My bond with my mum was as it should be I reckon but Gran was who did all the fun stuff with us. It’s great that she’s got that relationship with her gran and I don’t think it means you’ve not bonded properly with her. The secure bond you’ve formed with her will be what helps her feel safe with Gran in the knowledge you’ll always come back. Big hugs! Parenting is hard xxx

Even if you are the centre of their life this all changes when they are full time at school then it's their class teacher.I came third in my DDS favourite list,teacher,gran then me.
It changes as they get older and as grandparents get older too.So for now be happy that you have a confident,sociable child and a supportive family.

Sounds like a well-adjusted child, who has lots of people who genuinely care about her.
I do understand your worries - I am in a similar situation, only that my children do not have any other family and are instead forming very fragile attachment bonds with (ever-changing) nannies. I am also constantly considering packing it in - also a 'proper job' and a niche career here - and constantly talking myself out of it.

I get how you feel. I often feel like I’m in competition with dd’s other relatives. I know it’s silly but I feel like I should be the favourite because I do everything for her but most of what I do feels invisible.

She’s in such demand only grandchild on both sides 3 aunties who want to fuss her.

I like all this chat about secure attachments though. I shall try to keep that in mind and my jealousy in check. OP I know how you feel x

I agree with pp that said that your heart is telling you you are missing out. Because yeah. You are. By choise though. Because you say you have a proper job (wtf does that even mean) and therefore you can't work part time. That is a choise . You choose work over bonding/raising your kid.
And you say you do it to set an example? And the example being what exactly? Because i love mothers who work
But i can never understand how careers are more important. You are not going to be on your deathbed thinking" i wish i worked more"...

Yes you should work. And set an example of being a woman that does it all. (Working and raising a kid) but right now the only example that you are setting is the mum that is not there for her kid (enough). And obviously that is why she favors grandma over you because she will feel more motherly love from her( instead of feeling like an after thought with you and dh)

If this whole situation sat right with you, you wouldnt have posted. AND IT ISNT aboutwhat MN has to say about it. Wether is is all yabu or yanbu. It is about you and your feeling. But mostly how your dc is bonding (or more correctly not bonding ) with you because of your career.

You can have it all. Unfortunately it does come at a cost. Ask yourself it is a price you are willing to pay

Don’t stop work or do PT work because of this

If she was in nursery she would no way have the same bond

In our family in the med the aunt used to look after her nephew and I myself questioned how close the bond was . In the end the SIL started to use paid for childcare and she worked even more hours than you. So it’s a natural response in your end

It’s so lovely that she has a close family and that you can work . But this is the pay off for you emotionally OP . I also suspect you are over paranoid (understandably ) and reading into stuff

Your time with her is what most working parents get . So try to focus on the time you do have and enjoying it . Try to not let this ruin what’s a very good situation

I work part time and have a ‘proper job’! Lots of workplaces are moving towards flexible working and that’s the way it should be. I know plenty of people doing 4 days. If you don’t want to though, fair enough.

I also disagree that you even have to work to ‘set an example’. Doing it all is hard. I personally think you can have it all but not all at once. My Mum worked but I wouldn’t have thought any less of her if she was a SAHM. I think we all put too much pressure on yourself to be this perfect Mum, with a great career and family life.

Your daughter will be fine, just focus on the quality time you have together. When she starts school maybe you could find a way to pick her up some days.

My parents worked and I stayed with my grandmother during the day. I was "Granny's girl" all the way, until school started. Then my mother would pick me up after school and on the drive home we would talk about my day -- we started to bond.
Every Saturday she would take me to the library to check out books. It was "our thing" that I didn't do with anyone else. Could you find some activity -- Saturday morning pancakes, picnic at the zoo, something the two of you could do regularly together? It gave us a starting point to bond and I still remember those trips to the libarary.

Hardly any fathers get to school pick up. Strange how no one tells fathers that their DC will miss out if they go to after school care.

Anyway, OP’s DC’s childcare is extended family.

Nobody ever tells dad's thru should consider working part-time either 🙄

Loopy tiles well my DP does the school run and always sees several dad's and that's just in reception playground. Many dad's do feel they miss out on time and bonding with their kids.

I had a friend when I was 10 my age, her nanny was my mums friend they were well off with a huge house and lovely things.. Never met a more anxious insecure girl in my life.. She had little bond with either parent and seemed so lonely. None of her beautiful toys etc seemed to even matter to her. Her parents were both workaholics who were never around.

One example does not mean a trend 2eternities
Having two working parents does not necessarily equate to a neglected child. If you're s good parent, you're a good parent and you make it work.

She sounds secure, independent and well-adjusted to me, OP - and well-placed to start school when the time comes.

Think about it - would you rather be posting ‘my 4 year old won’t be looked after by anyone but me - she howls when I drop her off at nursery, runs straight to me at pick-up time, and won’t even spend any time with her lovely gran without crying for me - I’m terrified about how she’s going to cope with school’ etc?

Of course you wouldn’t. That would be way more of a cause for concern. I think that there are mothers out there who encourage needy behaviour for their own egos - i.e. to make themselves feel needed and wanted - but you should take pride in having raised a secure and adaptable little girl (as well as having a career).

And obviously that is why she favors grandma over you because she will feel more motherly love from her( instead of feeling like an after thought with you and dh)

Jesus wept!

Cherish a child who hugs their mum after nursery has insecure attachment?! Take it your an expert on all this? What a ridiculous thing to say. Think someones trying to make themselves feel better about the lack of time they spend with their kids

I’m not sure why having a “proper job” and a career in and of itself doesn’t mean you can’t work part time. Plenty of professional people work part time, myself and most of my friends and colleagues included. Not that you have to of course, but it is still possible to work part time and have a decent career!

Yes the difference here is this girl had nannies and childminders not family looking after her. But I knew from then on money etc really isn't the most important thing to kids. I was in awe of her beautiful things, she didn't care two jots about any of it.