Working mums bond with child

[Helppleaseargh]

Nc for this

Not sure where to start. I work full time and my daughter is 4.

I love her more than anything, and although I’m sure she loves me too, we don’t have the bond I think we should, and I think it’s because I work.

I see her for about 30 minutes in a morning and 2 hours in an eve mon-fri. Weekends are obv longer. We’ve been very fortunate that I have an army of female relatives in our extended family who have cared for her since I finished mat leave.

She now has the relationship with them I think I should have, as her mother. She turns to her grandmother if she is worried or upset. She gets excited to see them. She asks for them when they’re not there. When I get her from nursery she’s not bothered about seeing me. If I’m there and her gran, she picked her gran (ie to give her a bath, put her to bed etc). Her love for them radiates.

I try to do everything right and I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong. This is the most important relationship of my life, but as my dh says, she simply sees other maternal figures far more than she sees me because of my work. She’s too young to understand she can have fun with gran and aunties because mums working for her house, car, toys, clothes, holidays etc.

I’m devastated, frankly, and trying not to let her see. Where’s our special bond?! People say of children with working mums, ‘oh they still know who their mum is’ but I don’t know if she actually does :(

I had to go into hospital for two weeks last year and she stayed with her gran and was ABSOLUTELY FINE. Didn’t ask for me once, and was disappointed to return to her (clean, warm, loving, stable) home. It’s not that I want her to experience separation anxiety, but surely she should feel a bit closer to me than she obviously does??

Sandy but OP said she feels guilty not that anyone has made her feel like that.

Seaside fair enough OP mentioned holidays her child is 4, it's not necessary at that age imo.. She didn't say they'd be on the breadline if she quit work or reduced her hours. I've had A lot of trauma in my life most people would struggle with tbh that's why my dad is happy to 'bank roll' me.

cest, thank you

Ahh she's very lucky and sounds really happy. My little girl is three and has always been far more clingy with her Daddy. Occasionally I get a bit sad but usually I'm just really happy they have such a cute bond. I work four days and do lots with her but she's still a daddy's girl!

What seaside said ^^

🤦‍♀️

I took a year out when DD was born,went part time 2 days a week so child minder for one day and her dad one day.
When she started school I went back to work 4compressed days.I put her to bed 6days a week and was home for 3.Her dad worked from home.
I did all the fun days out,picnics,playdates etc.
She is 16 and all she remembers is that I worked a lot!I also don't appear in many photoed as I was the one taking them.
There is a strong bond though and today she brought me tea and toast in bed.
You'll get there OP,if you're daughter is happy to go to others it because she is secure in knowing that you are always there as a constant.

My DM worked full time and I stayed with my Great-Grandmother and Great-Aunty and also spent a lot of time with my Grandmother.

It hasn't impacted our bond at all long term. I'm probably closer to my DM than half my friends are to theirs and some of their DMs stayed at home.

Don't overthink it. It's just a phase.

When children are little, if there's a grandma happy to help, it's a huge bonus for the child. They have an alternative carer figure who can stay with them as they grow up. Mine were cared for 2x a week by my mum. Now they are teens there is no need for the hands on care. She sees them less, but their bond is fantastic. My children get so much out of her spending devoted time with them, taking them on little shopping trips, they holiday there every now and again, it's just wonderful. It's more unconditional and fun than life with me nagging about homework etc! It doesn't replace our bond, I feel close to them, but it's just great to have someone else who truly adores them and has a different but supportive role. It's an absolute bonus- my husband had a great granny who saved him really when things were difficult at home. The intensity of fun grandma will wear off as your dd gets older. Hopefully the enduring relationship will remain though.

I completely get this, I feel the same way. I went back to work when dd was 6 months old as I was a single mum. My mum, a childminder cared for her til she started full time nursery aged 3. She still seems to “favour” my mum over me when we are together and sometimes it hurts and I worry about our bond but if there’s nothing else you can do about it and you couldn’t have done differently at the time, I’ve learned that guilt is fruitless. If dc is happy and well loved by their family, it’s not doing them any harm, and you should NOT give up work for this (unless you really want to I suppose.) There are a million reasons to keep up work (financial stability, mental stimulation, pension and other benefits eg maybe health insurance for you and dc etc, personal and professional development, social contact) and you matter too. Please try not to beat yourself up as I’m sure dc loves you very much and you’re their mum- you always will be.