Working mums bond with child

[Helppleaseargh]

Nc for this

Not sure where to start. I work full time and my daughter is 4.

I love her more than anything, and although I’m sure she loves me too, we don’t have the bond I think we should, and I think it’s because I work.

I see her for about 30 minutes in a morning and 2 hours in an eve mon-fri. Weekends are obv longer. We’ve been very fortunate that I have an army of female relatives in our extended family who have cared for her since I finished mat leave.

She now has the relationship with them I think I should have, as her mother. She turns to her grandmother if she is worried or upset. She gets excited to see them. She asks for them when they’re not there. When I get her from nursery she’s not bothered about seeing me. If I’m there and her gran, she picked her gran (ie to give her a bath, put her to bed etc). Her love for them radiates.

I try to do everything right and I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong. This is the most important relationship of my life, but as my dh says, she simply sees other maternal figures far more than she sees me because of my work. She’s too young to understand she can have fun with gran and aunties because mums working for her house, car, toys, clothes, holidays etc.

I’m devastated, frankly, and trying not to let her see. Where’s our special bond?! People say of children with working mums, ‘oh they still know who their mum is’ but I don’t know if she actually does :(

I had to go into hospital for two weeks last year and she stayed with her gran and was ABSOLUTELY FINE. Didn’t ask for me once, and was disappointed to return to her (clean, warm, loving, stable) home. It’s not that I want her to experience separation anxiety, but surely she should feel a bit closer to me than she obviously does??

yeah at no point has the OP said a career is more important. I love my son more than anything but I would be thoroughly miserable if I didn't work. My career is very important to me as well.

Everyone always used the 'deathbed' analogy like you're only allowed to be proud of one thing. People are multi faceted not one dimensional entities.

You sound incredibly judgemental 2eternities

Buddy the elf I have never worked in DD whole 5 years, she will still happily go for sleep overs at my mums and her aunties and hasn't cried when I left her since she was about 18 months . She still doesn't have better bonds with them than me. OP feels she is missing out because she is. Comments like that are rather disingenuous imo.

Hardly any fathers get to school pick up. Strange how no one tells fathers that their DC will miss out if they go to after school care.

This thread isn’t about fathers though. The OP is a mother and is posting for advice as she worries she is missing out.

Judgemental about what? I've merely give my experience, my dad missed out on entire childhood building a career in the US, he's very well off now but regrets it so much he decided never to have anymore children due to the guilt. I've been on many amazing holidays Disney, 5 star cruise to Mexico etc but I've had issues because of not having him around properly. The good thing is because of his financial support paying for my car etc I've been able to avoid working since I had kids and am set to inherit a lot one day. Like I said I just giving my opinion I accept others will disagree.

Maybe it the way you word your posts but you do seem to be suggesting that parents who choose to maintain a career after children will damage the bond they have (or not have one to begin with) and will regret it in later life.

Not everyone wants to be a SAHP.....I couldn't do it. People do what's best for them and their families. I work full time and have an amazing bond with my child. So dues DH .. it's far more about how we've approached parenting.

You haven't done anything wrong, you made the choice you needed to make.

Your OP is self pitying though, and you seem to be almost blaming your daughter. You seem intelligent, I'm sure you know how attachments develop between children and adults. This outcome is totally expected considering your choices.

I think that Grandparents will always have a special bond TBH.I am a SAHP and have been for a long time,however DD couldnt wait to see her Nan and get excited!. As a child My own Mum worked ,and I went to my Nan a LOT!.However would always look forward to seeing Mum when she came home from work!.Relax, you are doing the best thing for your family ,and the fact that your little girl is happy and secure means that she doesnt feel anxious in any way away from you .She will go to School soon ,and I think many Mums (whether working or not!) feel that their"baby" is all grown up !.Not true!!.Can you make a "special time " for the two of you .Say Saturday mornings ,a trip to town ,some nice breakfast out ,followed by a trip to a bookshop /or library even for a new book /toy .Or what about swimming together .When I was little I always had a "Friday present" ,just something small, Some nice fruit ,a little chocolate (swiss chocolate Bunnies/kittens )?not sure if they still do them?.Perhaps a little baking together over W/E, chocolate Butterfly cakes /Brownies /cookies whatever ,That will help you bond together .If you have time a story read to her by yo as well .

Yes my friend possibly Had little bond with her parents for other reasons, they did seem rather distant the one time I did meet them. But then a high flying career takes a lot of people's time and energy. I just know from my own experience holidays etc aren't the be all and end all. My dad loves me but I could have done with him around especially in my teen years, yearly expensive holidays weren't enough for me.

Bit not everyone is working just for holidays. We work partly because we love our jobs but also so we can afford to live in a area with good schools, possibly provide private secondary education and help with university or house deposit.

Not all demanding jobs take you away from your kids. I have quite a demanding full time job but I get an awful lot of flexibility. I can do two days of school runs a week and have a generous annual leave and working from home policy .

I'm my experience the more senior you are the more flexibility you get and you really need the flexibility when they're at school. It can make more sense to keep working to ensure that flexibility a few years down the line. It can be quite difficult to walk into a flexible job that works around school after a few years out of the labour market.

'I wish I had spent more time at work and less time with my family' said noone on their deathbed ever

Benes yes you are right though an awful lot of people aren't in senior roles or have that flexibility. Everyone's situation is different also the kids dad and how much he helps plays a part too. It's great it works for you either way. I don't think anyone should give up work if it would make them very unhappy, i know my mum can't abide not working she gets depressed and thinks too much. Also the financial implications for some can be great, I'm lucky I have the option of not working and we still get by due to my allowance and car being paid for but I missed out on my dad so he could achieve the ability to do that for us. I am still eternally greatful to him. It's such a confusing situation really.

I know quite a few women who gave up work who found themselves utterly broke when their husbands left them in their late 50s. They’re pretty regretful of their life choices. Not a position I’d like to be in.

Often kids of working parents cling more. I think you probably need to tweak things slightly. Do more fun or bonding stuff over the weekend, try to work from home one day a week each to allow you to do the pick ups / drop offs.

There will be a lot of SAHM who do less with their kids than WM replying on this thread. Ignore them. Stay in work just try to tweak things slightly. Most proper careers allow work from home so you can do pick ups / drop offs (you and your DH can do one day each), and give you a whole heap of flexibility on top. Working shouldn’t impact the bond you have with your kids at all.

OP - you sound like a lovely, loving Mum. Your daughter sounds really well adjusted and it’s great she has such a good role model in you and a loving, supportive family network. I don’t think you need to worry and feel guilty but I wondered if it might help you to add a few little bonding rituals into your routine? How about sometimes getting into the bath together? Or getting into bed at the end of the day for a snuggle? I do a thing called “last things” with my kids where I get into bed with them and they can tell me any last things they didn’t get to during the day.

Laurie probably applies to women who lived off their husbands money. Yes, not wise, lol.

*I don’t know anyone who works for the ‘luxuries’. Securing one’s own pension should be reason enough to justify one’s employment.
*

Plenty of people work for luxuries. Holidays, as OP states as one of the things she goes to work for, is a luxury. New clothes at the drop of a hat, nights out, expensive cars, expensive phone contracts, not sticking to a budget - these things are all luxuries. Basics are a home, food and clothing for children. Anyone who works for extras are doing it for luxury. Although pension is important I’m not sure it is the only reason people choose to go to work. This is what PP was referring to.

BTW anyone can end up utterly broke at any time, including millionaires. You never know what's round the corner. Which is why it's best not to give material items too much clout in life.

What is a “proper job” OP? Some of us aren’t in the position to work our butts off for ten years to get to the pinnacle of their career. Life and it’s situation dictates otherwise.

I work from home to fit around my disabled children. Is this not a “proper job”?

Are SAHM “proper mums” thus those in between who do what we can are just neither here nor there?

Sorry if I’ve derailed the thread but it’s really turn of phrase is rather odd.

BTW anyone can end up utterly broke at any time, including millionaires. You never know what's round the corner.

If you plan sensibly and manage money well you can mitigate an awful lot of risk.

Failing to take basic steps to provide for yourself and your children is irresponsible in my book.

'I wish I had spent more time at work and less time with my family' said noone on their deathbed ever

Most ridiculous and over used analogy ever

I have a ‘proper job’ and everything, a niche career I’ve worked for for literally over a decade to reach. I love the example I’m setting for her

working very part time due to huge caring responsibilities for a severely disabled child. Thanks for telling me that I so not do a 'proper job' and that I am not setting out a good example for DDs either.

Having read the post in more depth I have to say I agree moreso with @2eternities. Everyone saying that work isn’t for luxuries are, in my opinion, creating excuses for themselves. I too had a mother who stayed home and I have always felt so lucky to have had that. She was there whenever we needed her and that is a luxury a child would appreciate over holidays and materials.
OP makes clear that her own insecurities is that she is missing out, not the father, so those complaining that the dad never gets questioned over if he can go part time need to read the post again.
I work the bare minimum to afford to live with few luxuries. If I was to work full time at a career I spent a long time building upon I could match husband’s salary but I choose my children. They’ll be grown up one day and I can focus on myself then. The guilt would be too much to do full time.

If I felt like OP I wouldn’t hesitate in reducing days. Look at your finances and see what you can hold back on.

I think that’s just the sacrifice you make when you work full-time. I personally prefer to be at home, but I don’t think there is a right or wrong choice.

As your DD gets older, she’ll stay up later in the evenings and you’ll see her more.

Some companies allow you to take a few months career break or you could choose to take parental leave. Starting school is often a good time as you get to meet the other parents/form a relationship with the teachers and as they’re often knackered for the first term, let them just rest and relax at home after the school day.