Working mums bond with child

[Helppleaseargh]

Nc for this

Not sure where to start. I work full time and my daughter is 4.

I love her more than anything, and although I’m sure she loves me too, we don’t have the bond I think we should, and I think it’s because I work.

I see her for about 30 minutes in a morning and 2 hours in an eve mon-fri. Weekends are obv longer. We’ve been very fortunate that I have an army of female relatives in our extended family who have cared for her since I finished mat leave.

She now has the relationship with them I think I should have, as her mother. She turns to her grandmother if she is worried or upset. She gets excited to see them. She asks for them when they’re not there. When I get her from nursery she’s not bothered about seeing me. If I’m there and her gran, she picked her gran (ie to give her a bath, put her to bed etc). Her love for them radiates.

I try to do everything right and I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong. This is the most important relationship of my life, but as my dh says, she simply sees other maternal figures far more than she sees me because of my work. She’s too young to understand she can have fun with gran and aunties because mums working for her house, car, toys, clothes, holidays etc.

I’m devastated, frankly, and trying not to let her see. Where’s our special bond?! People say of children with working mums, ‘oh they still know who their mum is’ but I don’t know if she actually does :(

I had to go into hospital for two weeks last year and she stayed with her gran and was ABSOLUTELY FINE. Didn’t ask for me once, and was disappointed to return to her (clean, warm, loving, stable) home. It’s not that I want her to experience separation anxiety, but surely she should feel a bit closer to me than she obviously does??

Agree Sandybval. Also the hours. My mum had two jobs, FT daytime and evening and Saturdays too. Sunday’s she slept. I don’t know how many hours op’s mum is having the child so maybe an hour less a week would count towards quality time?

I'm a single full time working parent and my 3 year old loves nursery and his childminders which makes me so happy. I think we maintain a very close bond partly because he sleeps in bed with me and weekends are also just me and him. How much time do you spend with your DD one on one?

My son also asks to see the childminder at the weekends but only because he has so much fun and likes the other kids! Not a bad thing at all and no reflection on our relationship.

Benes you are a fine example of one of these people, ooooh I'm a posh academic I am now going to belittle your life experience... Whilst at the same time presuming I said something I didn't (women less intelligent than men? Never said that) then pretty much agree with me!!

Now who is making assumptions. I'm certainly not a posh academic. I come from an area where people are likely to be unemployed than go to university. I've spent years working in these communities involved in projects which work on many aspects of social mobility.

Where have i belittled your life experience? I asked you why you felt women couldn't have good careers and you made the list...not me.
Fair enough if you were talking in general terms but that wasn't made clear.

Yes many of those people get jobs, minimum wage ones where they can never hope to own a home etc, and many more cannot work in at all, everyone is affected differently

I understand how the labour market works. What i'm trying to say is that you can't make these broad generalisations. It's far more complex and multi-faceted.

Why do you think these careers are out of reach for many women?

it's not really that hard to imagine that there are barriers to employment

I have s severely disabled child that needs lifelong 24/7 care. once she is 18 the state won't take her over. it will be me to the day I conk out. I would love to work and have a fulfilling career. but there is no childcare (and post 18 care) available. what would you suggest. I am really open as I am quite desperate to get my career back on track

Thank you

Of course there are barriers to employment. I've never disputed that and some people experience more barriers than others ....I asked the question because another poster said it and i'm interested in what other people perceive those barriers to be.

I can see that yours is an incredibly difficult situation and that you face more barriers than most. Without knowing more detail bout your situation it's difficult to offer advice however, depending on where you live there may be adult career guidance support who will be able to offer advice and guidance to you knowing what support mechanisms there are in your area.

OP, I work full time and often travel away for work (DH is currently not working so does the lion's share). What has made the difference for me is carving out time that is just for me and DD to have experiences just the two of us. She is also totally fine when she's away from me, but after a recent trip (where she stayed with her grandparents), we were cuddled up reading a book and she said, "Mummy, I told a lie to Nanna and Grandad - they asked if I missed you and I said no, but really I did." She's almost six. Can you take a long weekend and take her away somewhere just the two of you? Do silly stuff like buy matching tops for you and her so she feels like Mummy, carve out a little ritual that just you do with her - a certain story (I've made up a series of silly stories about a fairy that DD loves and looks forward to while I'm away) or a song that only you sing to her.

I don't think your relationship with your kids is ever set in stone - it requires constant maintenance. You have raised a confident little girl who is comfortable in the company of other adults and that is quite an achievement. Don't lose heart - she loves and needs you.

2eternities I'm sure I must have got this wrong. You appear to be deriding working mothers as chasing status and material items, and missing out on their children being young, yet you have the luxury of staying at home because your children are "set for life" because your father is very well off. I can't have got that right surely? You can't be sitting in a position of privilege and giving out to people who have to work just to pay the rent and put food on the table?

My colleague who works ft long hours has two girls. The eldest is very much a daddy's girl and she struggled to bond with her from the time she was about 2 yo.

She however has a complete different experience with her youngest.

I think different kids bond more or less with one parent but really it is a question of phases. My eldest went from wanting nothing to do with her father, crying her eyes out if I left even 10 minutes (but no issues at all with nursery) which very much upset him to turning into a stereotypical daddy's girl.

not sure what career guidance support would do for people (usually women) in my situation who have pretty much 24/7 caring responsibilities.

You have a relaxed secure and confident child
That s awesome
Tell ypurself to be the same.
Read her a book at night.
Do stuff at weekends involve her in shopping cooking etc nice trip to park or library
That is enough
Don't beat yourself up.
Working hours are not the isdue here...only your perception... your child loves you
Full time single working parent great relationship with dc now late teens

What I've realised is, "choosing" grandma over you is a survival tactic.
You are her safe base. She doesn't need to choose you. She knows you're there. You're the anchor.

This is exactly what I thought reading the post

Benes there may have been some misunderstanding somewhere, the OP is a woman and mother so I used women in that context even though obviously there are men with many barriers to work but in general because of the caring responsibilities that usually fall on women I believe their position is worse, also the fact that working class jobs typically done by men are much better paid than the jobs often done by working class women with the level of unlivable wages many have little choice than to claim benefits, these womwn gain absolutely nothing in missing out on the kids growing up since they will never have a bloody retirement fund etc anyway.

Rainbow it is very tricky for people in your situation but they can highlight options (if any) that are available to you. Some you may not have realised existed.

I'm sorry your thread has turned into yet another WOHM vs SAHM bun fight, OP. You sound like a very caring Mum and your little girl sounds happy, secure and well adjusted. It's wonderful that she has all these nurturing women in her life who think the world of her.

For what it's worth, my DM worked FT from when I was three months old until long after I left home and I can honestly say we couldn't be closer. She's my best friend. I was looked after by my Grandmother and yes, I adored her and my Aunties (still do) but that having that bond with them didn't make me any less attached to my DM. As for all your worries about once your DD starts school, these are natural worries all working Mums have but it'll be fine, honestly. I have a DD in Reception and many of her classmates have Mums who work FT or almost FT hours. They all love after-school club and make some really nice friendships with kids from other classes there. We have a class Facebook group and WhatsApp group that parents use to keep in touch about school events, homework, parties etc so don't worry that you'll be out of the loop because you're not there at pick up/drop off, plenty of parents aren't! You will get chatting to other parents at Birthday parties (there's one every bloody weekend in Reception ) so you can use that as an opportunity to meet your DD's friends parents and organise playdates.

Fair enough 2eternities there may have been some misunderstandings.

Although, it's important to say that parents who choose to work are not 'missing' out on their children growing up.

Seaside soul I understand your comment. I don't live luxuriously but neither do we go without. The op mentioned holidays which is a bit different to having to keep a roof over their heads, it's unnecessary a 4year old really doesn't need to go on holiday and would benefit more from a close bond with their mother. I also have experienced expensive holidays I've had helicopter ride around the statue of liberty,been to california several times, Disney in both california and florida and a cruise to Mexico not to mention countless holidays in florida where my dad lives it still didn't make up for the emotional loss both of us have felt due to him being unavailable for most of my childhood building his career. I am greatful and proud of my dad he was poor growing up but I often feel sad for the little girl in me when I see the relationship DD has with her daddy that I never had.

helppleaseaargh
From my own anecdata - my DD is now in Y12, and I have worked full-time in a full on professional role since she was 3 months old. She was just like your DD: seemed like she cared as much for nursery keyworker, grandparents, etc as for me when she was small. Now, she talks to me about all her worries and cares. We have an excellent bond.

Don't worry. It's amazing stability and trust in you to be there that gives her the confidence to be happy with others.

Benes well no thats true since op at least sees her child everyday. So it's not like she's completely absent I personally don't think the sacrifice is worth it for especially worse off women who like I said gain nothing from working since they will never earn enough to be financially secure anyway

I believe that's why a lot of parents with poor prospects and issues I previously outlined choose to rely on benefits because sacrificing timw with their kids.

Isn't worth it
*posted too early.

Benes well no thats true since op at least sees her child everyday. So it's not like she's completely absent I personally don't think the sacrifice is worth it for especially worse off women who like I said gain nothing from working since they will never earn enough to be financially secure anyway

Not everyone sees it as a sacrifice. Personally, i see it as balance.
You seem to have a very black and white view of the situation.

I wonder how you feel about working dads?

Loving the kind messages of support - thank you so much I really appreciate it. Glad I’m not alone in feeling this way!

Benes well I'm aware many dad's feel similar to the OP, I've actually seen men online say they feel like nothing but a cash machine to their family and I suspect a DH work commitments can and does cause family problems that manifest in different ways.

Neither me or dp work atm, dp last worked when DD 5 was a baby, works for us I need a lot of sleep and we manage fine we can afford toys clothes the odd meal and day out and we have a holiday to Disney planned in a few years when the kids are a bit older and able to fully enjoy themselves and remember (my dad's idea paid for by him) we have a car so don't believe working is in either of our best interests right now though dp has said he wants to return to work within the year as we want a caravan at one point

Why did you ask what I think of men working?

@Rainbowbash have a look at
www.workingfamilies.org.uk/articles/wavingnotdrowning/

And join the network
You can get support

@2eternities probably as people never tend to make men feel guilty for going back to work, or asking if the bond with their child has been ruined by being at work. It's usually the woman who is made out to be the one solely responsible for the child being in childcare.

2eternities - You have just said that you don't have to work! That neither you nor your partner works because you are funded by someone else, so how can you possibly sit passing judgement on people who have had to work full-time to put a roof over their childs' head, when you are bank-rolled by someone else! I'm incredulous that you would have the gall to be honest!

What Sandy said ^^