In Laws... at boiling point

[Jen8888]

IL's have DS one day a week while I'm at work.
My mum also has him another day, and my grandma the third day.

My mum and grandma couldn't be more generous, and have nappies, wipes, toys, books, his favourite foods etc all ready for him and so it really is a home from home and taking the pressure off me to have a bag/packed lunch etc each day.

My IL's on the other hand;

• Expect food to be provided; Breakfast, lunch and tea as well as a beaker of full fat milk as they "only drink semi" and got forbid they couldn't buy a pint.
• They expect nappies, wipes, calpol, nappy bags, toys EVERYTHING to be provided.

And remind me when things are running low.

When I'm packing his things up at the end of the day they say things like, "are they yours or mine?" For things like wipes (which I have provided).

They live 45-60 mins away and I'm fed up of driving frozen fish fingers up the motorway and having the added pressure of this especially I'm returning to work FT in a month.

AIBU and what can I do? I'm so nervous about going back to work FT (DS is starting nursery for 2 days) and I feel like the IL's are getting to me 

Send him to nursery for 3 days a week instead of 2?

Can he not do 3 days in nursery.

45 -60 minutes away seems not to be practical

Why do you think they do it?

Incidentally, do you work near them? If not- how are you going to manage 4 hours driving on top of a working day?

As much as I damn well hate to say it, when you get free child care it's on their terms unfortunately. I had dgs 2 night a week and he came with nothing but himself. Your ils sound tight gits op. Would be another day at nursery for my dc if it was such a business arrangement not the chance to have their dgc....

You make other arangements :)

Easy (ish...)

Look, it's absolutely fine for them to ask you to provide - they are doing you a huge favour, saving nursery fees etc (how old is he?) But - if it doesn't work for you then stop it, and lots of things here sound unworkable. They live an hour away, add up petrol and his food costs and then balance it against a third nursery day.

I'm guessing you're going to come back and say, they won't like it, they want to have him - you just say, it's too far and quite stressful, it doesn't work for us. Just as it's fine for them to state their boundaries, it's fine for you to state yours.

Could he perhaps do 3 days one week nursery and two the next, and your mum and grandma have him an extra day a month each? That covers 'Day 3'.

Why do you think they should provide these things?
I always had to provide things for my childI didn't expect anyone to be out of pocket
They are providing free childcare after all

I'd be trying to get DS in nursery 3 days rather than 2.

You are getting free childcare. Pay for childcare closer to home on “their” day instead, perhaps at the nursery he is going to be attending.

Why don't you buy a load of supplies, including wipes and fish fingers, and leave them there.
They are doing you a massive favour

They shouldnt have to pay for it too

Then pay for childcare.
It’s nice that your parents and grandparents are so helpful but it shouldn’t be expected.

Sometimes on here it feels like in laws are damned if the so, damned if they don’t.
Women complaining that PILS are overstepping boundaries for buying clothes and toys to keep at their house whilst a few threads over another woman complains that PILS are pushing her to boiling point because they won’t provide nappies along with the free childcare. Really?

I would never have expected my relatives to provide food, nappies, wipes etc out of their own pocket as well as providing me with free childcare.
It shouldn't cost your IL to look after their grandchild. It's one thing to feed them when invited over for a visit but another when it's a week in week out favour to you I think UABU

I wouldn't expect anyone to look after my children on a regular basis for free.

Failing the nursery thing, arrange for something like an Ocado shop or Milk and more type thing, once a week, with milk, food for lunches etc. You can do this on a rotation - so week 1 menu, week 2 menu, etc which are saved to your account, to make it even easier.

Then pay for childcare.

I'd carry on until DS settled in nursery then move him to 3 days pw, and be grateful for what you have.

In several years of parenting I think I've had as much free childcare as you are getting in a fortnight, and certainly no one's ever provided nappies, wipes, milk, Calpol, or any special food for any of my DC, so I have little sympathy tbh.

Ask your mum or grandma to see if they can cover the other day possibly alternate weeks x

I guess that is still much cheaper than nursery.

I think it's risky fair, but you could ask if you could store food in the freezer so you are not having to take each day. Ditto bottles/nappies etc.

As someone who was told by DM sure shouldn't l couldn't look after DC1 when I was in labour with DC2 as she had a hair appointment I am agog at the level of entitlement from people whose families step up for whole days care regularly. You are very lucky having this help, they are giving a lot by having DC so it wouldn't hurt to remind yourself of that rather than focusing on the negatives.

If it's too much agree increase nursery hours

I think because they are 45/60 mins away this is more the issue. If its a problem now it definitely will be when you are back at work. My parents are 40 mins away and dont look after my little one due to the distance/time involved.

Otherwise they are providing free(?) Childcare so its not that hard to have a bag packed of nappies, wipes, food, change of clothes and a few toys here and there.

TBH I would like a grandparent be like your ILs. Just preference really - would allow me to make my own decisions about everything. It's not being tight, it's about having different boundaries.

My ddil insists on sending all food, nappies, clothes, wipes etc with the dc when I have them. I don't think she trusts me!

Mind you, 60 mins away isn't practical. That must be 50 miles. Tell them it's too far. It isn't working.

They expect nappies, wipes, calpol, nappy bags, toys

You should provide these things though.

Maybe not the milk...they could buy that.

Maybe you could come to some arrangement were instead of having to bring everything with you. you buy the items and store them at IL's or arrange a tesco delivery or something or even just work out how much it costs for food/milk/nappies/wipes per day and give them the cash instead to compensate them?
Its really nice that your own relatives provide these items for free for you. but its a regular expense and not just a one off visit. I would feel uncomfortable that the people providing me with free childcare were doing so at a financial cost to them also.

Replace ILs with nursery. Stop being a CF.

Yabu. If you don’t like it you could pay £35 a day and still have the privilege of having to provide nappies etc.

They are not just providing free childcare you are expecting them to be out of pocket to pay for basic supplies so yes you are being unreasonable.