In Laws... at boiling point

[Jen8888]

IL's have DS one day a week while I'm at work.
My mum also has him another day, and my grandma the third day.

My mum and grandma couldn't be more generous, and have nappies, wipes, toys, books, his favourite foods etc all ready for him and so it really is a home from home and taking the pressure off me to have a bag/packed lunch etc each day.

My IL's on the other hand;

• Expect food to be provided; Breakfast, lunch and tea as well as a beaker of full fat milk as they "only drink semi" and got forbid they couldn't buy a pint.
• They expect nappies, wipes, calpol, nappy bags, toys EVERYTHING to be provided.

And remind me when things are running low.

When I'm packing his things up at the end of the day they say things like, "are they yours or mine?" For things like wipes (which I have provided).

They live 45-60 mins away and I'm fed up of driving frozen fish fingers up the motorway and having the added pressure of this especially I'm returning to work FT in a month.

AIBU and what can I do? I'm so nervous about going back to work FT (DS is starting nursery for 2 days) and I feel like the IL's are getting to me 

@jen8888

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be upset by your in-laws' approach.

My experience with my parents and my in-laws is similar. My parents adore their grandkids and don't think twice about buying them things/spoiling them. It makes my parents happy to see my kids happy, and to provide nice things for them. My in laws though seem to adopt a very rational - as opposed to emotional - approach. It seems my kids don't spark the same joy in them that they do in my parents. Maybe because my kids are my only my parents' 2nd and 3rd grandchildren, while they are my inlaws' 11th and 12th so the novelty has worn off? This makes me question why I bother making such an effort to visit the in-laws and ensure the kids have a relationship with them when the in-laws are apparently not that bothered!

I had a similar set up when I returned to work after my first baby.

My mil and my mother divided the data between them and both came to my house to care for my baby as it was set up and baby proofed.

Much easier and I didn't have to pack anything.

Could this be an option for you in laws to mind the baby at your house and they do the travelling?

I can sympathise with you OP.

My MIL did 1 day a week childcare from 1-4 because SHE wanted to. Whilst I cannot deny that it was a nice money saver and for that I am entirely grateful, and it facilitated a lovely relationship between DS and MIL which was and still is fab, it was a monumental pain in my arse and it would have been a lot easier and less stressful to just send him to nursery for an additional day per week.

Our issues were different, she too lives an hour away but because of logistics meant that she actually came to stay with us 2 nights per week instead to enable her to do this. As much as I love my MIL this was too much and not what I was signing up for. It did damage my relationship with her a bit.

I also didn’t necessarily like that she didn’t do anything with DS all day apart from take him to the shop at the end of the road to buy him chocolate, but what can you do when it’s because ‘she was doing me/us a huge favour’?

Anyway, my advice is grin and bear it. Maybe review when he becomes pre-school age. It’s not forever and yes it will mean that he has a great relationship with his grandparents. He won’t starve if they don’t feed him quite as much as you do for one day per week and it will relieve you of the expectation that your weekends revolve around visiting the ILs.

I know you say that (like us) the saving wasn’t the driver here but it will save you a shitload of cash too. Just send him with a full changing bag each week and simple and filling food to eat.

It’s for a time limited period and the bond he has with them at the end of it will be worth it.

Good luck

Op you've had loads of advice and comments on here. Putting the negatives aside, I would arrange a nursery place. I have been in this position myself and running between different houses/arrangements is very hard work. There is always a degree of having to accept other's rules and regulations even though this is your child.

You have to realise that although your parents say they want to have your child more often, people go on holiday, get ill, move house, things change. You could, God forbid, fall out or have disagreements leaving you high and dry. I had a problem with my MIL many years back who made life very difficult for me but looked after dd one day a week along with my mum.

I arranged a nursery place for one of the days with the option of extending the place in the autumn. She then complained the nursery were not looking after her properly to the extent staff asked for her not to attend any future collections.

Nurseries as well, do not always get it right and you may have issues here as well. Although I have recommended it to sort out what your thread is about, children get ill a lot at nurseries as things spread like wildfire. Nits, worms, diarrhoea, accidents

I am a full time grandparent carer and offer this as advice, not criticism.

These people underfed your DH to near-malnutrition, are controlling around food, and already make comments about your child’s body, and at your behest they have unsupervised extended weekly contact with him? You seriously need to consider your judgement on this.

YABVU! You are in a incredibly privileged position to have 3 different family members providing free childcare to enable you to work and you're complaining about having to provide the basics for your own child!
Journey is too far so pay the nursery for a 3rd day. We pay £50 a day for 3 days per wk at nursery as we have no free family support options. Our nursery provides nappies, wipes and all food and we just provide the considerable amount of money for it all and pack a bag of spare clothes. I couldn't be doing with having to pack nappies, wipes and food along with the drama of trying to get out the door with young children to get to work.

Is your DH involved in any of the day-to-day child rearing re. his Son?
Does your DH do any drop offs and/or collections from the Grandparents homes?
Does your DH/your child's father work unsociable hours or abroad?
Your child's father should be jointly responsible for looking after his own child inclu. providing the finances to purchase nappies, wipes, food, etc as are you.

Your child should not be spending any time alone with their paternal Grandparents if they were not capable of looking after your DH when he was a child. Therefore, definitely pay the nursery for a 3rd day.

Did you and your ask your ILs to do childcare or are they doing childcare because they heard that your family were doing it?

I would not leave my child with someone who won't feed them properly. That is awful.

I would personally leave some nappies, wipes etc at each house but I'd hope that some food would be free as they were family and my toddlers would be happy with cheap food like pasta, scrambled egg etc

I think that your h should deal with his mum and the faff of providing packed lunches etc If you must do it then I'd pay ILs to buy food and label my wipes with a Sharpie. The petty "are these wipes mine or yours?" Would annoy me. Wipes are like 50p a packet

Btw, our youngest 2 DC are 8 and 4. We've been paying nursery fees for the last 7.5 years (minus when I was on Mat Leave with our youngest). Paid FT nursery fees for 3 yrs and now paying for 3 days pw as I reduced my hours when returning to work after last DS. Can't wait until last nursery fee payment in Aug!
Although, Afterschool Club fees will increase from Sep when our youngest starts school.
We receive no other help from family or friends, inclu on the weekends (one side of the family lives quite far away and the other side of the family are not bothered!). I work flexible hours and have understanding managers re. working from home/leaving office early/time off re. children's sickness, no afterschool club on last day of half-term & end of term, hospital appointments that cannot be reached-scheduled on my non- working days, sports day, etc.
My partner is also hands-on re. childcare and runs his own businesses. He does the morning school run unless he has an early morning meeting or is on business abroad. He takes kids to hospital appts with or without me. DD8 isn't keen on attending school holiday playscheme, so he sometimes takes DD to his office 1-2 days per week during school holidays, inclu. the ocasional day trip abroad for meetings in Europe which DD loves.

OP - you should be eternally grateful for all of the free childcare you are receiving from loving family members. A lot of people don't receive any help like this, ever.

*cannot be re-scheduled on my non-working days

Wow! Have you any idea how entitled you sound? Have a good look around at nurseries and try and find one that costs you the same as some fish fingers and a beaker of milk! Some of us have to pay for childcare at all times as we don't have the luxury of family that are able to do it. I'd suggest you be more grateful or make alternative arrangements

Sorry OP. Well actually not sorry. You are being a brat. You have no fucking idea how bloody lucky you are.

OP can’t be that much of a brat if her and mum and grandma have offered to take on the extra day of childcare. Jealousy is not nice.

YABU- every family has their own way of doing things. You can’t expect your in-laws to be just like your own family.

You say yourself they are frugal. There is no need to take this personally and feel angry or hurt.

Manage your expectations, or stop the arrangement.

You're so lucky to have them and I think YABU to your own parents and grandparents by not providing nappies, food etc.

OP can’t be that much of a brat if her and mum and grandma have offered to take on the extra day of childcare. Jealousy is not nice.

MILs do seem to be treated very differently on MN, the DMs family seem to be welcome from the start and the DFs held at arms length.

I agree with Bookmark, people who no longer have young children do not have “baby supplies”. Perhaps their budget is tight? It is ok to give time to help people but not if it ends up costing you money to do it.

“They expect” hmm. I think YABU.

Milk and bread is hardly ‘baby supplies’. OP dies provide a changing bag etc.

Jen8888. You are NOT being unreasonable!
The people saying you are, are missing the point. It's not buying the nappies and wipes that you mind it's their attitude which stinks. As soon as I read, "are they yours or mine?" For things like wipes (which I have provided). I knew what they are like! I have come across this more than once. E.g. all met up at a cottage for a weekend, go to Supermkt get to check out, my friend puts a last minute weekend newspaper on the belt. As the stuff's going through, husband of t'other friend says "You will remember to pay for that paper won't you?" Then all the time it was "This is my pizza. This is what I ordered from the Indian..." Ughhhh! I just don't get people like that. Except I married one once. Misery. Misery. Misery. Your poor DH probably needs therapy he probably had a terrible childhood and I can easily believe the underweight part.

So I am with you! I wouldn't let this toxic woman look after my child. I wouldn't let her look after my umbrella. I'm older than most of you mums and feel a bit guilty as I ought to stick to Gnet but I prefer it here... but being older simply means I have seen a bit more - more people I suppose. I've also got more belligerent as I've aged and decided not to be so polite and nice to downright rude and selfish people. Not saying they are exactly that but they are not normal. Uptight, mean, tight as a duck's arse type of woman. And saying she isn't thin enough when she's underweight - that's another sign of her self-centred smug I'm perfect absolutely fuckwit attitude.

(I'm getting a migraine I become rude when I get them can't explain - sort of desperate to finish something important - this - before migraine tase over )
Of course it wouldn't hurt her to buy the milk and fish fingers! I'm sure you'd offer her a couple of quid as a gesture but really - stupid snotty stuck up prat. The trouble is, she's so starving hungry, she's scared she might eat and drink them herself! "whose wipes are these...?" I ask you!! I'd feel like inviting her to shove them. Really! She has utterly got me down the stupid mean cow no not cow because cows are nice, more like a mean poisonous snake. Whose wipes!! My giddy aunt's aspidistra!

So - FT ahead and naturally you are nervous. I was too but it goes ok because you take it as gently as you can, kind of don't try to be brilliant from day one....
60 miles? Not any more! FT and a 60 mile drive? No way! Tell them - cannot fit this in now, too much time added on. Anyway petrol, little one shoved in car for so long, car getting wear and tear, you exhausted ! No! Stop that! Little chap goes to Nursery. Yippee! Lovely place! Professional people! Great toys! Perfect environment! Food exactly right! Mummy not worrying! This is bliss....
DH and his parents? Well I am sure he will support you about no longer doing the long drive and see that if his parents want to keep in touch with their DGC then the ball is in their court, they will need to come and see him. It wouldn't be long before he would be in Nursery anyway and then school. See your FT work as the natural break from the current routine and end this long commute to parents in law. I don't think it's that good for your little man either to be in the car so much.

I really do hope you will stop this arrangement. I'm getting a migraine - it makes me go a bit batty - I have to say everything in an urgent way! I mean this!! Please stop doing this In laws arrangement!! It's not good for you, it's not good for your little son, it's not good for the car, it's not good for global warming, it's not good for my migraine....
Good luck! Ignore the stupid people here who missed the point. You are a completely reasonable person!
Please let us know how it goes!
and as for whose wipes?!! my Aunt Fanny's arse!

OP says that they have money and driving 4 hours (an hour there, an hour to work, an hour back to theirs and an hour home) will be much more than wipes, some nappies, a beaker, pint of milk and some food. Would you leave your baby with adults who have a history of feeding a child so little that they were borderline malnourished? (OP's husband not OP's child)

OP- get your h to manage his parent's day.

sorry 40 to 60 mins away not miles

If they are 45 mins away does this mean an extra 3 hours or more travelling for you after a full days work?
If so I think you need to send your dc to nursery instead.

It’s not unreasonable for them to ask you to provide food and nappies though, and it’s generous of them to provide free childcare.

Sounds like a decent arrangement to me.
Cant you just get the food from a store their house Do it doesnt go bad?

I totally get you on the food thing, my in laws never even think to get in full fat milk or anything baby friendly to eat when we visit and although of course they don’t have to but I always think it’s a bit unthoughtful to not even ask.
Perhaps it’s because my family are the opposite and always go out their way to buy nice food etc for guests.

However I wouldn’t have an issues with providing them with nappies etc if they ever did offer to look after our son.

I don't think you are BU OP. You are happy to pay for childcare but let them do a day so that they have regular contact.

When you go back to work full time it won't be sustainable with the travel times. I would pay for childcare on the day they usually have him, and see them at other times.