In Laws... at boiling point

[Jen8888]

IL's have DS one day a week while I'm at work.
My mum also has him another day, and my grandma the third day.

My mum and grandma couldn't be more generous, and have nappies, wipes, toys, books, his favourite foods etc all ready for him and so it really is a home from home and taking the pressure off me to have a bag/packed lunch etc each day.

My IL's on the other hand;

• Expect food to be provided; Breakfast, lunch and tea as well as a beaker of full fat milk as they "only drink semi" and got forbid they couldn't buy a pint.
• They expect nappies, wipes, calpol, nappy bags, toys EVERYTHING to be provided.

And remind me when things are running low.

When I'm packing his things up at the end of the day they say things like, "are they yours or mine?" For things like wipes (which I have provided).

They live 45-60 mins away and I'm fed up of driving frozen fish fingers up the motorway and having the added pressure of this especially I'm returning to work FT in a month.

AIBU and what can I do? I'm so nervous about going back to work FT (DS is starting nursery for 2 days) and I feel like the IL's are getting to me 

Could you clarify whether you're paying them anything for this?

DD is at DMs twice a week, we provide everything other than toys, DM raids charity shops and has a whole playroom for DD. Free childcare at the end of the day

Unless there is a drip feed coming that you pay them a zillion pounds for this, you are coming across a bit entitled.

But the journey doesn't sound practical and it might be time to up the nursery days?

I used to provide, nappies wipes etc at nursery. If they are ill enough to need calpol then nursery won’t take them. My friend sent their child to a childminder who didn’t provide food.

Anything baby/child specific eg nappies and wipes I would expect you to provide.

It seems a bit far away to do a regular day anyway! How would they react if you decided to send him to nursery that day instead?

I would think it odd that they didn't at least have some wipes and nappies and get in some food, unless money is tight for them? If so, it's understandable that they can't stretch to those things.

How much is that costing you in fuel?

It's not really "free" childcare if you're paying for all that petrol to get your DS there and back either, is it.
So you could offset those costs, and provision of all items for your DS while he's there, against the cost of another day in day care.

If there's whinging about "fairness" then just explain that the distance to travel is too much.

Someone was on here the other day moaning that her in-laws have bought lots of baby things for their house! We can't do right for doing wrong although I wouldn't be driving all that way, even for more free baby-sitting.

Is the actual problem here that your DH is the real CF and you are at boiling point with him for putting in fuck all effort, even when it's his own parents doing him a massive favour?

I think that it’s probably a pita to remember to provide all those things and to be driving them around for 45 mins or longer every week.

I also think that looking after grandchildren and buying the things they need/want, can be an expense that parents don’t always consider. Fuel money for driving them around, collecting them from wherever, lunch, tea, snacks, trips out all mount up. I know that some grandparents have the funds to do it. We’re often told on Mumsnet that the older generation have more money than their children, but not all do and it can be expensive week in and week out.

If it’s making you so agitated OP, put him in nursery more often.

Totally unreasonable, I provide everything apart from toys when my DS goes to his grandparents, I would never expect them to spend almost £10 on supplies when they are doing a favour.

Shocked that you expect your extended family providing free childcare to supply nappies!

Unless you work near the ILs I can’t see the point of this and sorry OP, but I also think you are a CF.

YABU. You should be very thankful that your Mum and Grandma don't expect likewise.

Actually, I think you're really cheeky here. Free childcare and you're complaining about having to feed your own child!?

Pay for an extra day in nursery instead.

I agree it's a pain, but I don't think you can expect them to provide everything on top of free childcare. That is their choice I guess. Why don't you suggest transferring them a monthly amount to cover the items needed so that they can just get it with their weekly shop. Saves you the faff of packing it all up and they can just keep the stuff there and everybody knows where they stand. It also avoids the "is it ours or yours" conversation. It will just be theirs. Either that, or forego the arrangement.

Maybe they can't afford it? If they can then that's just tight. Surely you can spend money on your grandchild. Did they offer to have him or did you ask?

They say 'are these yours or ours' presumably to ensure that some remain there.

Your attitude stinks, it really does.

Take him to a nursery - they usually ask for nappies etc, too. Not food , but then, you know, you are paying for nursery food.

Your ILs presumably don't eat 'baby' style food and don't keep it in for one day a week.

I can see that some of it would be a mild irritation, but boiling point???

I think you need to work out what is really getting to you here.

3 days a week free childcare is an incredible privilege, but I would be reluctant to do a 45-60 minute drive to access it , so if the provision of food really is too much for you, this is the perfect get-out.

you should be providing everything for them. You do that in most nurserys too!

Is this a joke?

YABU you seem to be making it harder for yourself ( are you trying to make a point) take nappies, wipes etc to your in laws and leave them there, ask them to let you know when they need more. Take a whole box of cereal, fish fingers whatever your DS likes to eat and leave them at in laws so that you just need to take fresh on the day stuff with you. Buy the cheap set of clothes and a few toys and leave them at your in laws.
Everything if for your DS’s benefit after all, it’s not like your in-laws are going to cheekily use your calpol or nappies for themselves.
I’m a grandma who provides everything at my house, but i’m fortunate that I can afford to do so, I work full time but have my GD regularly at weekends. I absolutely adore my GD but would not commit to having her one day every week even if I didn’t work. You are extremely lucky with all the family support you have, there are many who don’t.

So pay them more so they can provide those items themselves? Or are you expecting them to provide regular, reliable child care so you can work without having to pay them for the service?

YABU. You're getting free 2-1 childcare. 10 month old DD goes to each set of GPs 1 day per week. 1 send her with a full changing bag, food and toys because she's my child and I should provide what she needs. My parents have asked me not to worry about sending food because DD tends to want what they're eating anyway so its easier for them to just make a little extra. I still send everything else. The only thing that has annoyed me is the MIL has picked the bag clean. Shes probably taken 20 nappies and 2 ready bottles of formula out (in addition to roughly what she would have used) without telling me. It's a bit creepy and annoying as I keep the bag packed in case DD needs medical care (we have had to dash to a&e before). They are not obligated to buy basics for your child. That's what you get CB for. I also drive 40 mins for childcare. I'm happy to for a free day and it means I dont have to worry about facilitating their time with DD on my days off.

60 mins isn't practical. That's your get out clause.
3 days at nursery is better. The kid won't know if he's coming or going with 4 different sets of childcare/loving rellies. He'll settle better with 3 days.
I don't think they are being at all cheeky BTW, not to have to cover more costs or do all the organising. The milk thing is a bit daft, but on everything else you should provide/pay for them, so long as they provide loving care, YABU.

Nursery or accept it, that's your only two options!

I never ever had any help with childcare. None, not even for a day, so I struggle to get my head around threads like this. Why would they want nappies, wipes, food and drink that they wouldn’t usually have in etc in their home for once a week?

If you don’t like it, pay £50+ per day for him to be in nursery.

It's simple. If you don't like the childcare your MiL provides FREE and for which, it appears from your post, you show zero gratitude, then send your child to nursery and pay for it yourself. You're a CF and YABVU.