In Laws... at boiling point

[Jen8888]

IL's have DS one day a week while I'm at work.
My mum also has him another day, and my grandma the third day.

My mum and grandma couldn't be more generous, and have nappies, wipes, toys, books, his favourite foods etc all ready for him and so it really is a home from home and taking the pressure off me to have a bag/packed lunch etc each day.

My IL's on the other hand;

• Expect food to be provided; Breakfast, lunch and tea as well as a beaker of full fat milk as they "only drink semi" and got forbid they couldn't buy a pint.
• They expect nappies, wipes, calpol, nappy bags, toys EVERYTHING to be provided.

And remind me when things are running low.

When I'm packing his things up at the end of the day they say things like, "are they yours or mine?" For things like wipes (which I have provided).

They live 45-60 mins away and I'm fed up of driving frozen fish fingers up the motorway and having the added pressure of this especially I'm returning to work FT in a month.

AIBU and what can I do? I'm so nervous about going back to work FT (DS is starting nursery for 2 days) and I feel like the IL's are getting to me 

Can you imagine the reverse conversation ‘we look after DGS one day every week and she expects us to provide all nappies, wipes food etc. Costs us a fortune!’

It was your choice to have children. I can’t tell you how lucky you are having 3 days free childcare a week. DD has two lovely sets of grandparents but we spend almost a grand on childcare a month. That’s just what you have to do!

You absolutely should be paying for the things that your DS needs whilst your ILs look after him.

If it is the hassle of packing the bag/worry about fishfingers defrosting, then maybe you could give them a prepaid credit card or similar, and they can buy what they need and keep it topped up.

It shouldn’t cost people to look after your child! I would be providing all those things to all three sets of relatives.

Op has disappeared - think it's another time waster.

I have cared for two grandchildren for 1 or 2 days a week for the last few years.

I enjoy choosing food for them buying treats and spare clothing and in the past nappies and wipes.

I love them and wish to show my care for them in the things I choose.

If food was sent with the children I would be offended that my offerings were not required.

I don’t think you are unreasonable.
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I’d rather pay a nursery than lose that much time and food. The nurseries near us provide food and we’re only expected to bring wipes, nappies, sun cream and spare clothes. My parents and in-laws wouldn’t expect us to provide food unless our boys were on a special diet of some sort and/or eat a lot and even then they’d ask if they could pick up something for them especially for one day a week. My own grandparents wouldn’t have expected it either. I can understand nappies and wipes, but the rest not so much unless they were skint. I get they are doing you a favour, but it’s not exactly free childcare if you need to even provide food and toys for a small child and have to do a near two hour commute. Check the costs to do what you need to for in-laws including gas vs putting your son in nursery and see which is better.

I think you need to skip past how your mum and gran are regarding providing things and realise that they’re doing that out of generosity but it’s not a given. Why on earth are you driving your child so far for a day of care when you’re providing literally everything too? Surely it’s not in your financial interest?

It's your iLs prerogative to provide/not provide supplies. But you need to look at this from a purely practical pov.

Total up the cost of your petrol round trip and the supplies you are expected to provide for the day at your iLs. Compare this to the cost of petrol and an extra day at nursery. Which is cheaper and by how much?

Next, factor in the commute time of nursery vs iLs. I wouldn't drive 2 hours per day (round trip) for childcare, even if it was free, which yours technically isn't since you provide supplies. I'd happily pay $$$ for an additional nursery day in order to save myself 2 hours per day (plus that 15-30 minutes of chit chat with the iLs at drop off/pickup)

And why isn't your DH at least splitting the drop off/pick up duties, not just with his parents, but for ALL childcare?

I agree: send him to nursery for 3 days. They live too far away for you to be doing this, especially if you'll be working full time.

Alternatively, get your DH, THEIR SON, to talk to them if he agrees these are genuine issues. Or let him run his child around on their day. He has equal parenting responsibility after all ... and I bet their need for everything to be provided will mysteriously disappear if he's the one doing the running to/from their house.

one thing that no-one has yet mentioned either.

Maybe they feel like they can't provide the right things for your child.

Maybe you favour a particular expensive brand of nappies or they don't know the right size.
Maybe you are particular about outfits or you use a particular laundry detergent that they don't buy.
Maybe they are worried about what diet your son should have and don't feel confident making that decision.

Maybe they feel like you are a new mum with your own ways about things and they don't want to step on toes by getting something wrong. You don't sound like a particularly understanding or forgiving person.

If this was my grandchild and I could spend time with him or her I would happily provide things required.

Unless I could not afford it.

PS, I'm assuming that your parents/grandparents live closer. If they live the same distance as your iLs, I'd def be rethinking the whole arrangement. I just can't see driving that distance for childcare, no matter who is providing it!

Maybe they're just worried they'd buy or use the "wrong" things? My mum does alot of babysitting for us, which we appreciate immensely, and admittedly she usually comes to our house as it works out easier all round, but when they do go to hers, I'll pack a lunch box, supply nappies, wipes, spare clothes etc, as I don't expect my mum to have a stock pile of these things, as she doesn't have a baby! It would probably be a bit silly them buying a pack of nappies, as they'd have to find out size/brand etc, and only looking after dc one day a week, they easily could have grown out of that size before they're even used anyway. What is the problem with packing a change bag, and a lunch bag as if you were taking DC out for the day? Or even better, pack a change bag of spare nappies/wipes, clothes etc and leave it at their house so you only have to remember lunch each week. Ask them to let you know when they're getting short of supplies so you can top it up.

'Surely most grandparents actually want to see their grandchildren regularly?'

I'm sure the ideal for most grandparents is seeing their children for a lovely visit for a few hours without all the hard work that comes with providing regular childcare, and having to forgo any plans for a day or more a week.

I agree, as it's free there's not much you can say however I would be a bit upset that they cant every now and then, as you say, buy a pint, especially considering its their flesh and blood too. what does your hubby make of it?

Yes, use nursery or get your side to do more. or you could just suck it up as that's what they're like.
It must be great to have free childcare to enable you to work. Many parents would love this and would enable some to go back to work who can't.
i suppose looking at it from that perspective you are being very ungrateful.

I think you should be providing all the supplies your baby needs, it’s a bit cheeky to suggest otherwise.

Presumably this childcare is free, so you have to accept it won’t always be exactly what you want. You can always pay for nursery if it’s not working out.

I'd definitely expect them to supply food and drink, unless we're talking a specialist diet of some kind, which it doesn't sound like we are.

I've much more sympathy with the ILs regardin the baby supplies - "nappies, wipes, calpol, nappy bags, toys" - these things aren't cheap & the ILs might not know exactly what to buy... also, they're easy for OP to transport [in a way that perishable stuff wouldn't be].

Pay for childcare! Count yourself lucky that you have so much free childcare! My kids have their grandparents and great parents, all retired and none have ever offered to have them one day a week so I don't have to pay nursery fees. You sound so entitled! Either suck it up and provide what they need, or pay!

DP deals with his family and I deal with mine.

I presume the grandparents want to look after their dgc so therefore buying milk and providing meals shouldn't be that much of a stretch.

Why do you presume this?

£35 a day! Where is this nursery !?!? More like £65 round here!!!!

I'm sorry to say but I think you're being a bit unreasonable. If they are providing free childcare it's not unreasonable to provide for them all the bits and bobs your little one needs. They may not want to incur the costs of having to provide all of this, can't blame them.

I completely agree with PPs who say that your DH should be doing all this. After all, the child care is for his benefit too - it enables him to work. So tell him, his parents = his responsibility. Your DM and DGM = your responsibility.