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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner won’t discuss vasectomy at the moment

127 replies

Teatime345 · 18/06/2019 23:30

Have taken the combined pill for over 6 years and recently changed to minipill as my blood pressure was up . Getting daily bleeding since I changed so will try a different brand of minipill
Brought up the topic of vasectomy but my partner is refusing to discuss this at the moment
He says that he had a testicular op as a child and that a vasectomy puts him at more risk of cancer
I have said that I don’t think this is the case , but he could ask this if we book a no obligation consultation Frustrated that he is just saying “ Don’t want to talk about it “ Aibu to think he should discuss and consider it ?

OP posts:
TheNavigator · 19/06/2019 08:53

If my husband had been told a vasectomy would increase his risk of cancer, I would beg him not to get one, not be pushing him to a consultation! Seriously, are there issues in your marriage that you can just 'tra, laa, laa' over the major concern he has shared with you? I am always amazed the number of posters that seem to stay in marriages for convenience and financial expediency and seem to resent their long term partners.

Brefugee · 19/06/2019 08:57

I'd say that you should now have the contraceptive conversation. I stopped taking the pill because i didn't want to take hormones, I eventually gave up on the coil because my already scarily heavy periods came back with a vengence (and at that time we decided to TTC). After children it was condoms because we were both happy with that, and it would probably have been MAP if we'd had an accident.

Everyone should be comfortable with the contraception they use and bodily autonomy is possibly the most important thing in this kind of discussion (including the autonomy not to continue with a pregnancy).

As for increased risk of cancer. Some people are unable to wrap their heads around how this actually works and are not really sure how much even a 30% (number chosen at random) increase to the risk can be extremely, vanishingly small in most cases.

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 19/06/2019 09:02

OP YANBU - whilst yes it is his body and he can refuse to have the operation, it doesn't mean that you are now solely responsible for family planning.

I have now refused to go on contraception and i have said that it is time my partner took responsibility, so either that meant a vasectomy or condoms. He has chosen condoms for the time being but knows the risk of unwanted pregnancy and I wouldnt have an abortion but that is what he has chosen and I'm fine with that. If he refuses to wear a condom it's no sex.

I think it's the fact that your DP is refusing to discuss it at all or discuss whether his concerns are valid would be the upsetting point for me. Also the sheet arrogance of him not wanting to have even the slightest risk of cancer when you have been taking the pill for years which also has that risk.

snitzelvoncrumb · 19/06/2019 09:03

Not unreasonable to ask, but it's up to him. Getting your tubes tied isn't fun and a vasectomy is much easier. I would just refuse sex until he changes his mind.

thedancingbear · 19/06/2019 09:03

What a load of crap on his part! He’s just a pathetic wussy guy. There is minimal risk compared to women taking the pill or having a hysterectomy. This boils my blood

Jesus fucking christ.

thedancingbear · 19/06/2019 09:06

They have discussed it. He has said no because it would give him an increased risk of cancer, having had an operation on his testicle when he was younger. End of.

When people say 'he should discuss it', it's clear they mean, 'he should be forced to do it'.

And, yes, it would be fine for her to choose not to have sex to avoid getting pregnant. But the 'withholding' language is bullshit - as if sex is something women give to men to exert control over them.

thedancingbear · 19/06/2019 09:06

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge

I agree. Yes, what an arsehole, not wanting cancer.

FFS.

Thertruthisoutwhere · 19/06/2019 09:07

Condoms are fine

I know loads of people who have had accidental pregnancies whilst on the pill. 0 from condoms

Durex (esp the extra safe ones) are great if used properly.

statetrooperstacey · 19/06/2019 09:22

A vasectomy is invasive and painful. I held my dh hand all through his, the doctor made a couple of incisions and pulled out 2 tubes they cut pieces out of them and Cauterised the ends. Then poked them back in and stitched him up. He was n a lot of discomfort during the procedure and had pain for quite a long time ( months) afterwards. His was also straightforward with no complications. I wouldn’t push this, accept he doesn’t want one and look at alternatives for you both.

snitzelvoncrumb · 19/06/2019 11:28

It's still easier that getting your tubes tied, and the risk of having a general anaesthetic.

SavingSpaces2019 · 19/06/2019 17:52

OP - YOU are the only one ultimately responsible for your body.
So forget about 'what's fair' and expecting someone else to take responsibility for your fertility/contraception.

If you don't want to take hormonal contraception - there are other options you can take.
If you don't want the responsibility of contraception then get your tubes tied.

In an ideal world men would also have more contraceptive options so it was 'fair' but we don't live in an ideal world.
He's also told you he doesn't want to even consider it and also why.

You obviously don't believe him.
He might be lying or he might not - fact is he will not consider a vasectomy.

So what are you going to do about your contraception?

Jemimapuddleduckpancake · 19/06/2019 18:01

I think YABU. It's a big deal getting surgery. If he doesn't want to discuss it, respect that and look into other options.

Bluerussian · 19/06/2019 18:15

There are some negative long term effects from vasectomy, they are not advertised.

Have you considered being sterilised? Up to you of course but it is done nowadays through the vagina so no external cutting involved, a far simpler procedure than in previous times.

Worth thinking about.

In the meantime you could try a diaphragm. People have used them for many years, quite successfully.

honeygirlz · 19/06/2019 18:17

So what are you going to do about your contraception?

Why is OP solely responsible for contraception? It's his dick, so why should she buy condoms for it?

OralBElectricToothbrush · 19/06/2019 18:41

Have you considered being sterilised? Up to you of course but it is done nowadays through the vagina so no external cutting involved, a far simpler procedure than in previous times.

Read the thread! You usually have to pay privately for the female sterilisation procedure now, the Essure one through the vagina with no cutting is hard to come by as there's now a lot of evidence of problems with it so otherwise it is a procedure where you need your abdomen inflated with gas and keyhole incisions so a big deal indeed and of course a possible complication of it is ectopic pregnancy if you become pregnant, which of course, can kill you.

You'd also be hard pressed to find anyone who can fit the diaphragm as there's now almost complete reliance on LARC so that would be a copper coil if you don't want hormones.

OralBElectricToothbrush · 19/06/2019 18:43

And another option is not having PIV sex with this person.

Rosemary46 · 19/06/2019 18:47

I’m particularly enjoying all the posters explaining that while Male sterilisation is major surgery with HUGE risks and complications , female sterilisation is a walk in the park and the Op should have it done tomorrow in her lunch hour.

PeoniesarePink · 19/06/2019 18:55

Thing is, he's not making an informed choice is he by refusing to see a specialist about it? If he went along and still felt that way after talking it through, then fair enough and he'd have every right to make that choice.

It's not just your responsibility, it's for both of you to ensure that no more pregnancies happen. So no I don't think YABU here at all.

SavingSpaces2019 · 19/06/2019 19:02

Why is OP solely responsible for contraception?
Because it's HER body and she's ultimately responsible for it - especially if she wants sex!

HavelockVetinari · 19/06/2019 19:13

What about the increased risk of breast and ovarian cancer caused by the Pill? It's greater than a 0.3% increase!

OP, you can't force him (even though he's clearly a selfish twat to put his own minimal risk before your greater risk) but you could and should go for a combination of condoms and a diaphragm to maximise effectiveness.

jacks11 · 19/06/2019 19:19

It is fine to have broached the subject with him and asked him to consider it. He has said "No, I don't want to" and that is entirely reasonable as it is his body, so if he doesn't want an operation with the associated risk and that will permanently remove his fertility, then that is entirely up to him. To then say "well, you can discuss it at a no-obligation consultation" isn't particularly fair. It sounds a bit like you not really accepting his "No". I do grant you that the reason he gave (that having a vasectomy will increase his risk of cancer) is probably incorrect, so it would be fair enough to ask him IF that is the only reason stopping him from considering a vasectomy. If the answer if yes, then it would be fine to suggest that he double check this fact. If the answer is no, he just doesn't want it then you have to accept that.

It is also fine for you to decide you cannot tolerate taking the pill or any other form of hormonal contraception if you don't want to. Your DH would be entirely unreasonable to put pressure on you to continue to take the pill or use mirena or nexplanon etc.

So then you would have to have the conversation about what contraception you would use- presuming you both want to continue to have sex- and come to some agreement that you are both happy with.

codemonkey · 19/06/2019 19:22

And another option is not having PIV sex with this person

'this person'. That's her husband. You make him sound distasteful.

OralBElectricToothbrush · 19/06/2019 19:24

It's pretty distasteful to not even be open to discussing contraception with his wife.

Beansandcoffee · 19/06/2019 19:25

Stop taking the pill and use condoms instead. My ExH refused to discuss having the snip. Him and his Gf soon had a baby after he left me.

PerfectPeony2 · 19/06/2019 19:25

I was quite surprised reading this as when I’m done having children I will be giving up all contraception and will 100% expect DH to have a vasectomy. After going through birth and coping with injuries, having coils fitted, hormonal contraceptives with side effects. It will be his turn. It’s incredibly selfish for him to just refuse- and the fact that he won’t even discuss it, I’d be absolutely fuming and very disappointed.
Condoms ruin sex... not a long term option.

I hope you are able to have an honest conversation with him, he needs to be an adult and see the doctor at least.