Partner won’t discuss vasectomy at the moment

[Teatime345]

Have taken the combined pill for over 6 years and recently changed to minipill as my blood pressure was up . Getting daily bleeding since I changed so will try a different brand of minipill
Brought up the topic of vasectomy but my partner is refusing to discuss this at the moment
He says that he had a testicular op as a child and that a vasectomy puts him at more risk of cancer
I have said that I don’t think this is the case , but he could ask this if we book a no obligation consultation Frustrated that he is just saying “ Don’t want to talk about it “ Aibu to think he should discuss and consider it ?

I would think less of a man who wasn't willing to put his partner first. Female sterilisation is a major op.

You do know there are other options, other than surgery?!

Condoms do fail I had a failure ( nothing seemed wrong at the time) that resulted in pregnancy and miscarriage many years ago. And more recently a failure that was noticeable for which I took the MAP
I agree many men would rather not use them but it’s not the case every time

My husband didn’t have an adoption, I refused to put my body through anything else, after the copper coil caused umpteen bacterial infection (was about a year later it was diagnosed) and we also couldn’t use condoms. (Allergic to latex and spermicide)

So it’s was either that or no sex, luckily for us he wanted a sex life.

gonewiththerain and if a woman forgets to take her pill, theres only her that knows it and needs to take the Map.

If you take MN as an example. Loads of people are using the hormonal contraception that 'fails'. There are multiple threads a day where, the pregnancy wasnt planned and the OP says they were in contraception. So now worse than barrier methods.

Comparing have a vasectomy with childbirth isnt a fair comparison, at all. Of course women suffer with complications for birthing a child that they are choosing to have. Knowing the risks and possible complications, they are choosing to go through with it.

None of this removes his bodily autonomy.

Female sterilisation is a major op.

Not always. It's far less so than it was years ago.

And an pp claims a vasectomy can be carried out by laser with no external cuts.

If that's true, maybe the NHS need to look at using thos to tie women tubes.

All forms of contraception including sterilisation, have failures.

Although the rate is substantially lower for some methods than others, dealing with a surprise pregnancy could occur whatever you (or he) does

It doesn’t remove his body autonomy but it is reasonable to say I don’t want to take the risk so won’t have sex, it’s not manipulative to say that.
The stakes are significantly higher for women and a man whilst having every right to say no to a procedure has to realise that. You can bet the man won’t be happy if the woman says I don’t want an operation and I don’t want a child so I won’t take the risk with sex. If a woman becomes pregnant she has to decide what to do and none of the options are easy ones.

If the man uses a condom and the woman a cap, the chances of pregnancy are really very low. V equitable.

The problem seems to be you don't believe his reason. Where/when did he get information that a vasectomy would put him at a much higher risk of cancer than other men? If he has been told this directly by a medical professional then YABU to pressure him. If he doesn't know for sure I think he is being unreasonable to not find out the full facts before making a decision and being honest about his reasons.

OP, if you don't want to use hormonal contraception then stop now, switch to condoms + avoid your most fertile times temporarily and together as a couple look at the alternative options available.

dealing with a surprise pregnancy could occur whatever you (or he) does

Even a vasectomy.

You can bet the man won’t be happy if the woman says I don’t want an operation and I don’t want a child so I won’t take the risk with sex. If a woman becomes pregnant she has to decide what to do and none of the options are easy ones

But not having sex isnt the only option. You do get that vasectomy sometime heal themseleves? Again, this was explained to me and exh when he had it.

Yes, woman choosing what to do a out the pregnancy is about her bodily autonomy. As is a vasectomy.

Making someone have an operation they dont want, is removing autonomy. Would you be ok with someone removing a woman's autonomy in the same way?

I agree with gonewiththerain.

I completely support any man's right to refuse to consider a vasectomy. However, he also has to accept the potential consequences:

• His partner may be less keen to have sex if she's not comfortable with their compromise choice of contraception. There's nothing manipulative about that: both partners need to be enthusiastic about having sex and nothing would make me feel less sexy than worrying about an unwanted pregnancy or unwanted abortion.

• If she does have an accidental pregnancy, it's completely up to her what she does about it. She might choose to ask his opinion as a courtesy but he has no rights. Full stop.

I am in a similar position in that I would like my DH to go for an initial conversation with a doctor to discuss it, but I have recently given up bringing it up.

I thought that if he ruled it out (which I suspect he would have anyway) he would have done so after proper research, not just a quick scan of the NHS choices website reviews.

That is what bothers me, the lack of any thought about it. I would never force him to act on any discussion and told him so.

I feel a little disappointed to be honest.

I am happy to carry on using condoms but I am the one who would deal with the fallout if I got pregnant (which he is very against) hence my thinking he might at least have a discussion with a GP.

I am in a similar situation here. I have had 1 foreceps birth with retained placenta and epeisiotomy, 1 breach c-section and 1 emcs. I took the pill and hormone coil for 16 years with DH and don't want to take hormones anymore.

We have discussed a vasectomy but he is concerned about side effects so won't even go for the consultation.

It is frustrating because of course he has bodily autonomy but by rejecting the only form of contraception he can be solely responsible for, the responsibility falls to me. We use condoms but if there is a failure, I will be the one taking the morning after pill, getting a termination or putting my body through another pregnancy which it is ill equipped to cope with.

I get bodily autonomy but family planning is a joint venture and it frustrates me that even in a marriage, women are forced to take responsibility for it or be left dealing with the fallout

'my husband wants me to be sterilised so I don't get pregnant. I've told him no: I had an operation when I was a child which means it would give me an increased risk of cancer. He is pressing the point and is insisting we make a doctor's appointment anyway':

Would inevitably lead to a chorus of 'controlling', 'abusive', 'LTB' etc.

Funny how this place works.

Your analogy would work @thedancingbear if the man was the one who got pregnant and had to deal with the consequences while the woman got to walk away.

My friends husband refuses a vasectomy. They have 4 kids. She gets really unwell with anaesthetic so won’t have the OP herself. She’s now had 4 abortions, each one has fucked her up more and more. Condom failures.

I’d have divorced his arse years ago

Goddily surely she holds some responsibility for that as well?

Four condom failures is a huge amount. It suggests they need to look how they are using them and what type and some additional contraception

But aside tha, the risks, though different in type, are similar in scale.

Really, so men face potential death from ectopic pregnancy from vasectomy? Because that is actually a potential complication from tubal ligation.

There's another big issue with female sterilisation is that, since it's more expensive, many trusts no longer fund it. It's coils, jabs, pills, implants or nowt.

Private vasectomy costs around £500. Female sterilisation between £2-£3k. Not hard to see why.

IM0GEN unfortunately that's how biology works. Still doesnt mean that anyone has to give their bodily autonomy up or are less entitled to it.

What about getting your tubes tied? Although it’s a more serious operation than vasectomy you can’t force him to get one as others have said, and it is keyhole.

@Proteinshakesandtears

I know how biology works thanks. If you do too, you will understand how reversing the situation doesn’t work. It will never be equivalent.

It's keyhole with the need for gas to inflate the pelvis, something that more than a few women find painful, it requires a heavier anaesthetic, it increases the risk of ectopic pregnancy which can result in death, and most of all, more and more NHS trusts no longer fund it as it is significantly more expensive than vasectomy.

What a load of crap on his part! He’s just a pathetic wussy guy. There is minimal risk compared to women taking the pill or having a hysterectomy. This boils my blood

Have a contraception conversation with him. He doesn't want a vasectomy, the pill doesnt agree with you, what now?

Dh and i had this similar conversation and agreed condoms but we also discussed what we would want to do if i got pregnant and abortion was not going to be an option. So we agreed if a happy accident happened it happened, because we discussed it, knew we could cope and would be happy. So we are happy to take the risk. Are you and your dh?

You both should discuss and get on board using contraception you both want and what would happen if it failed.

@thedancingbear whatever! All he’s done is blow his load into a hole each time they’ve had a child, no impact on his body, no childbirth , no breastfeeding, no bleeding and stitches after birth. Men truly are pathetic