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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner won’t discuss vasectomy at the moment

127 replies

Teatime345 · 18/06/2019 23:30

Have taken the combined pill for over 6 years and recently changed to minipill as my blood pressure was up . Getting daily bleeding since I changed so will try a different brand of minipill
Brought up the topic of vasectomy but my partner is refusing to discuss this at the moment
He says that he had a testicular op as a child and that a vasectomy puts him at more risk of cancer
I have said that I don’t think this is the case , but he could ask this if we book a no obligation consultation Frustrated that he is just saying “ Don’t want to talk about it “ Aibu to think he should discuss and consider it ?

OP posts:
NaturalBornWoman · 19/06/2019 19:27

So what are you going to do about your contraception?

Abstinence would be my preferred option in these circumstances.

codemonkey · 19/06/2019 19:40

Sterilisation is something that you have every right to be selfish about. It goes beyond a relationship. What if either of you is widowed or you divorce? A woman might well be adamant she wants no more children but what if she dies or they divorce? Her husband might find himself remarried and wanting to have children again.

HomeTheatreSystem · 19/06/2019 20:02

When was your DH told by the medical profession that due to his childhood testicular op he might be at a higher risk of cancer were he to have a vasectomy? If it wasn't recently then it is certainly worth reviewing again with the GP in case what he was told is now no longer wholly accurate. But if the info still stands, find out what "higher risk" actually means? What are the stats behind these risk percentages? Sometimes they are not significant in real terms.

If he just flat out doesn't want a vasectomy regardless of the reason, he should be upfront with you and say so.

FlyingSpaghettiM0nster · 19/06/2019 20:12

Come off the pill and make him use condoms

itsbetterthanabox · 19/06/2019 20:45

I think he should consider it as an option but he has the right not to of course.
You can use condoms or just not have penetrative sex. There's lots of ways to enjoy sex without PIV.

greenlloon · 19/06/2019 20:49

to borrow a well known phrase HIS BODY IS CHOICE

Shootingstar1115 · 19/06/2019 20:52

You cannot make him do it. But I understand OP. Other half is 40 and we aren’t planning anymore DC. I want him to have the snip as hormonal contraception sends my body crazy, I’m only in my late twenties so would like to go ‘natural’ with it all (he won’t use condoms) so the snip would be ideal.

He has agreed to think about it but I think what’s holding him back is that he knows little about it. Maybe some information on it would be beneficial for him.

poopypants · 19/06/2019 20:53

You are not BU to expect him to at least discuss all options with you. Shutting down a conversation is not Reasonable of him.

There are options. Condoms. No sex. You have the right to demand those also.

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 19/06/2019 21:18

Thedancingbear I didn't suggest he was being unreasonable for not wanting that additional risk, but women put themselves at risk of cancer and a whole load of issues taking hormonal contraception for years. Why should the OP have to take that risk when he won't even discuss whether this is even the case with a doctor?

Men are so utterly selfish a lot of the time and don't appreciate what we put our bodies through for years and then additionally if we choose to have children - it really is selfish to not even want to discuss a vasectomy as an option 1

booboo82 · 19/06/2019 21:19

do not ever pressure anyone Male or female into being stabilised! nope never

WelcomeToShootingStars · 19/06/2019 21:26

But you have discussed it and he's given you his views on it. The conversation not having the outcome you wanted isn't grounds to press it further. He needs to give no further explanation than he just doesn't want it. It's his body, after all.

Nobody is forcing you to use hormonal contraception. Perhaps you could book an appointment with your surgery nurse to discuss contraceptive options together and decide together which would be most preferable.

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 19/06/2019 21:30

That seems like a sensible option Welcome - I think it's both of their responsibility and if they don't want any more children then going to discuss their options together is the grown up thing to do.

PavlovaFaith · 19/06/2019 21:33

His body his choice.

100%

OralBElectricToothbrush · 19/06/2019 21:34

The trouble with this idea, Welcome, is that she will be hard-sold the Mirena first of all, any potential hormonal side effects (which about 15% of users experience) downplayed massively, then hard sold a copper coil. No one needs to really see a nurse to use condoms but if you do there's not a one around who won't try to push for LARCs and bang on about the massive failure rate of condoms.

Graphista · 19/06/2019 22:21

Wow! Distinct lack of feminists on this thread!

No you can't pressure someone to do something with their body they don't want to.

BUT that applies to the OP too.

He is actually wrong that vasectomy = significantly increased risk of cancer and if he was indeed told this (I'm pretty sceptical to be honest!) it was either erroneously or the knowledge has since changed. And it certainly doesn't sound like he's discussed it recently with medical professionals to check on this.

There ARE known health risks with being on the pill - including SEVERAL cancers, stroke, thrombosis...

Plus I always think it's a fair thing to ask a man to at least seriously consider it in light of the risks their partner has taken usually for decades prior with a combination of hormonal contraception, pregnancy and childbirth.

"For those saying vasectomy can result in long term pain, many woman suffer long term health issues as a result of pregnancy and child birth." Yep! But hey they're women so they just have to suck it up!

"Comparing have a vasectomy with childbirth isnt a fair comparison, at all" why on earth not? Decisions on contraception and conception should be equally balanced. It takes two to tango!

And I agree that the hard sell on the coil especially mirena doesn't help matters.

It's about time men stepped up and accepted some of the responsibility for contraception.

Too many of them are truly pathetic on the subject.

My dad is a misogynist, selfish twat on most things and even he acknowledged that after mum going through 3 pregnancies and childbirth and having suffered major side effects on the pill that having a vasectomy was the least he could do once they decided they didn't want any more kids.

I despair at "modern men" I really do!

They won't take responsibility for contraception, but then campaign against abortion and frequently abandon even planned children!

Damn straight they should at least PROPERLY consider vasectomies

Graphista · 19/06/2019 22:27

And by jumping on I'm on after posting that I'm reminded that it's frequently MEN that block women from accessing emergency contraception too!

I have absolutely no doubt that if we had much more stringent laws on dealing with deadbeats that would make a significant difference to mens attitudes to contraception, emergency contraception, conception and abortion.

sweetkitty · 19/06/2019 23:01

After 4 pregnancies and giving birth 4 times my DH offered to have a vasectomy. It wasn’t pleasant at all but he was home on good painkillers an hour afterwards, his testicles were black from bruising then every colour of the rainbow as they recovered. He did say it was easier than childbirth though.

I’m on the mini pill too as I have very painful periods and it is amazing to know there is zero chance of me becoming pregnant, it makes sex just a bit better.

Back to OP I think you both need to sit down and talk through all the options for your future contraception together.

Emmapeeler · 19/06/2019 23:37

Damn straight they should at least PROPERLY consider vasectomies

I agree. Tbh I am also surprised by the comments on this thread. The DH has shut down a discussion after a quick google and the OP is told she is not being a good partner for feeling disappointed by this.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/06/2019 23:43

Yabu. It IS his body his choice. Maybe you don’t want more children. Maybe if you split up/died he might want more.

Proteinshakesandtears · 20/06/2019 05:53

Graphista comparing a vasectomy to childbirth isnt a fair comparison.

Especially for OP. She chose to have the children too. Childbirth isnt a contraceptive choice.

Him not having a vasectomy is not forcing her to go on the pill.

Believing he has autonomy is not removing her. Believing he should have a OP, that comes with considerable risk doesnt make anyone any more of a feminist than anyone else.

What if he has it and it fails? Or one of the rare case where it reattaches? Will that be his fault as well?

Life isnt fair. Normal contraception is currently for women only. Women are the ones that carry babies. It's not really about fair, it's about biology.

He absolutely does need to discuss with her, how they move forward. He wont have the vasectomy, she wont take hormonal contraception. Both valid choices. But they need to decide what to do going forward.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/06/2019 06:58

Graphista
It's about time men stepped up and accepted some of the responsibility for contraception.

Which according to some (most) of the feminists on here is straight to surgery.

And the OP still has plenty of choices. And it is very much ner body her choice.

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 20/06/2019 08:19

I don't think that's fair Boney, I think just shutting it down with no discussion isn't acceptable. I am presuming that they don't want more children and therefore he is defaulting to OP to sort it out (maybe I am making wrong assumptions but it seems to be the case for many men I know).

Men generally who do not want more children default to their partners/wives to take responsibility for family planning and that isn't acceptable. Why should women be responsible for taking damaging artificial hormones; if OPs partner is unwilling to get a vasectomy or even consider the idea then he needs to work with the OP to discuss the options if OP no longer wants to take medication or have the coil.

Bluerussian · 20/06/2019 16:56

WelcometoShootingStars has made a very sensible post a few posts up. There are several types of contraception. Most people manage to avoid pregnancy without either partner being sterilised. I have for one and I know plenty of others.

As for vasectomy being nothing compared to childbirth, it's not a fair comparison; in this day and age, it's possible to have a completely pain free labour. There's enough talk on here about epidurals, gas and air and pethidine that I'm sure everyone knows that. Would any of us women want to give up the experience of pregnancy and bearing a child? I doubt it. It is one thing that women can do which men cannot and it's marvellous.

blackteasplease · 20/06/2019 17:07

Your options are condoms or abstinence then!

He's only unreasonable if for some reason he thinks you are obliged to stay on the pill (or have unprotected sex!)

Emmapeeler · 20/06/2019 18:33

it's possible to have a completely pain free labour

Not a fair comparison maybe but this is a misleading statement. Sure, it’s possible, but pain relief is not always desired, offered or given in time. Plus there is the risk of prolapse or lifelong birth injuries, causing long-term incontinence, pain or hysterectomy. Not to mention the stress of unplanned intervention, and sometimes PTSD.

A woman might not want to give up the experience of giving birth but many still go through a lot and I’m afraid I am still struggling to see how the DH can’t look into and properly discuss getting/declining a vasectomy, as a courtesy.