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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner won’t discuss vasectomy at the moment

127 replies

Teatime345 · 18/06/2019 23:30

Have taken the combined pill for over 6 years and recently changed to minipill as my blood pressure was up . Getting daily bleeding since I changed so will try a different brand of minipill
Brought up the topic of vasectomy but my partner is refusing to discuss this at the moment
He says that he had a testicular op as a child and that a vasectomy puts him at more risk of cancer
I have said that I don’t think this is the case , but he could ask this if we book a no obligation consultation Frustrated that he is just saying “ Don’t want to talk about it “ Aibu to think he should discuss and consider it ?

OP posts:
ElectricLions · 19/06/2019 06:57

Sorry NHS link www.nhs.uk/news/cancer/vasectomy-associated-prostate-cancer-risk-small/

Onescaredmuma · 19/06/2019 06:58

I think you're not unreasonable to discus but again putting pressure on him is not fair. Do a little research ask him to discuss it like an adult with you but look at all contraception types and decide what will work best for you and your DH.

And while it's his body and his choice your body is your choice so you can just as easily say your coming off the pill and won't be be getting sterilised he can sort the contraception out from now on if you feel your body needs a break from the pill.

Thatnovembernight · 19/06/2019 06:59

If he says no then it’s no. But you have an equal right to not have to pump your body full of fake hormones, particularly when it negatively impacts you. It really should not be assumed and expected that you must do that. So - condoms.

honeygirlz · 19/06/2019 07:02

I’m guessing he will more than happy to pressurise OP into continuing to be responsible for contraception though.

slipperywhensparticus · 19/06/2019 07:03

Op has already said she realises she is unfair asking him to discuss it with a DR

I think its unfair he gets to say no and she doesn't

lightlypoached · 19/06/2019 07:04

Vasectomy is not 'an invasive' operation. When my DH was 'done' 5 years ago on NHS it was done externally with a laser. No cuts no wounds. He was back at work within an hour.

Proteinshakesandtears · 19/06/2019 07:08

lightlypoached according to the NHS website, that's not available. There the conventional one and one where they make punctures.

How do they tie the ends of the tubes, with a laser? But not making any incisions. Not tiring the ends of the tubes would make if far more likely to reattach.

Its great if your husband was back at work within an hour. That's not the case for the majority of people. The options offered by the NHS are invasive.

scaevola · 19/06/2019 07:09

You mean the scalpel-free' operation, then yes, that does involve an incision. It is invasive.

Just because it can be done under local does not make it any less a surgical procedure. Nor is it trivial.

Try reading the NHS Choices page in the side-effects. 10% rate of the serious ones (ie the ones causing significant pain/loss of function for longer than 3 months, or which require further surgery to fix, and remember that some cannot be treated (even denervation may not work)

Proteinshakesandtears · 19/06/2019 07:09

I think its unfair he gets to say no and she doesn't

Of course she doesnt get a say about what he does with his body. She does get a say about what she does with her own though.

LolaSmiles · 19/06/2019 07:11

It's not about 'taking turns' on contraception. The current short tern offering is weighted towards hormones for women, true, and that isn't equal on a big picture level.

However contraception in a relationship isn't tit for tat. The OP doesn't have to keep taking hormonal contraception. Her DP doesn't have to be pushed into a vasectomy.
The idea of 'just don't have sex' always strikes me as something quite manipulative on either side as the subtext is 'I'm taking sex off the table until you agree with me' and I don't think that's right.

They could both sit down and discuss alternatives e.g. condom, diaphragm etc and then make a decision.

AuntieStella · 19/06/2019 07:13

He gets to say 'no' because it's his body.

She gets to say 'no' about surgery on her body in exactly the same way.

He has not refused to discuss it. They have and he has said 'no'. That response it not what OP had hoped for, but it is a clear and valid one.

Sceptre86 · 19/06/2019 07:16

I think a frank discussion with him is needed here. You don't want to take the pill and he would clearly prefer not to have a vasectomy so what now?! That way you both get a say and you can also point out that contraception shouldn't be something you alone have to think about. Equal partners, equal responsibility! Yabu, in that if you don't want to take the pill why should the default be a vasectomy? You cannot force him to consider having an OP (no matter how minor), imagine if the tables were turned how would you feel?

honeygirlz · 19/06/2019 07:17

She gets to say 'no' about surgery on her body in exactly the same way.

No she gets to say ‘no’ about pumping hormones into her body too. Funny how people are itching to protect men and their bodies.

Proteinshakesandtears · 19/06/2019 07:19

No she gets to say ‘no’ about pumping hormones into her body too. Funny how people are itching to protect men and their bodies.

No, she can also say no to having her tubes tied. If she doesnt want to take hormones, they need to come up with a no hormonal contraception they are both happy with.

Personally I am bothered about both men and women and what they want to do with their bodies.

AuntieStella · 19/06/2019 07:21

She gets to say 'no' about surgery on her body in exactly the same way

No she gets to say ‘no’ about pumping hormones into her body too. Funny how people are itching to protect men and their bodies

Yes, she does - she does not have to be sterilised if her DH asks her to have surgery. In the same way that he can refuse surgery.

The principle of bodily autonomy is extremely important to be, and so of course both sexes must exercise it.

user1483387154 · 19/06/2019 07:21

I agree, he gets to say no about surgery and so does she.
There are other methods of contraception that do not involve 'pumping the body full of hormones'

gonewiththerain · 19/06/2019 07:22

The problem with using barrier methods is if they fail and you notice the woman has to go and get the morning after pill. In rural areas it’s still quite difficult to access. Or face a pregnancy and the decision to continue or not.
For those saying vasectomy can result in long term pain, many woman suffer long term health issues as a result of pregnancy and child birth.
So no a man cannot be forced into a vasectomy but he needs to be aware of what the woman is going to have to do if contraceptives fail. So yes she can say no to sex if she doesn’t want to take the MAP, have an abortion or have another child.

LizzieSiddal · 19/06/2019 07:22

You get to say no to taking the mini pill and you should stop taking it if it isn’t suiting you.

He gets to say no to having a vasectomy.

Use condoms instead.

BlueSkiesLies · 19/06/2019 07:23

Sure he can say no.

You’re also within your right to say no to hormonal contraception.

BlueSkiesLies · 19/06/2019 07:25

The problem with using barrier methods is if they fail and you notice the woman has to go and get the morning after pill. In rural areas it’s still quite difficult to access. Or face a pregnancy and the decision to continue or not.

Condoms when used properly are pretty bloody reliable. People (men mainly) just don’t like them because they would rather not have to worry about silly women’s issues like contraception.

IM0GEN · 19/06/2019 07:28

Your body your choice OP.

You don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to, if you don’t feel it’s safe.

And you don’t have to take hormones that make you ill if you don’t want to.

It’s completely unreasonable of your partner not to discuss your joint responsibility for contraception . Especially if you have taken care of it for him for the last 6 years.

Pinkmouse6 · 19/06/2019 07:29

My DP doesn’t want one either so I’ve made him take control of contraception in the only other way he currently can, condoms.

Just refuse to use hormonal contraception and make him have some responsibility.

Timbertruck · 19/06/2019 07:29

My husband had one... he's honestly made more fuss having a tooth out.
I respect that he chose to do it and that he recognised that after a c section and a torn Fanny it was time for him to step up.
No issues.
I would think less of a man who wasn't willing to put his partner first. Female sterilisation is a major op.

RoseAndRose · 19/06/2019 07:30

He's discussed the vasectomy angle. OP simply doesn't like the outcome.

But yes, a further discussion on contraceptive choices is likely to be a good thing.

RoseAndRose · 19/06/2019 07:33

"Female sterilisation is a major op."

Keyhole day surgery these days. Usually very straightforward. The tech for the procedure has improved considerable. Yes, it's done under general, which brings additional risk. But aside tha, the risks, though different in type, are similar in scale.