Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner won’t discuss vasectomy at the moment

127 replies

Teatime345 · 18/06/2019 23:30

Have taken the combined pill for over 6 years and recently changed to minipill as my blood pressure was up . Getting daily bleeding since I changed so will try a different brand of minipill
Brought up the topic of vasectomy but my partner is refusing to discuss this at the moment
He says that he had a testicular op as a child and that a vasectomy puts him at more risk of cancer
I have said that I don’t think this is the case , but he could ask this if we book a no obligation consultation Frustrated that he is just saying “ Don’t want to talk about it “ Aibu to think he should discuss and consider it ?

OP posts:
aprilanne · 18/06/2019 23:33

Sorry but you can't make someone have an opportunity they don't want if you so sure your family complete get sterilized yourself .

aprilanne · 18/06/2019 23:34

Operation obviously

mouldyhousemouldylife · 18/06/2019 23:36

I wouldn't be forcing anyone to have an operation. If he doesn't want it but you do, you get it done...

Osirus · 18/06/2019 23:37

YABU. No one should be forced to have an operation.

Cornettoninja · 18/06/2019 23:38

Vasectomy is a good option if a man is willing to go ahead with it. If he doesn’t wish to have an invasive procedure to make himself permanently infertile then he is well within his rights to refuse to do it and not be harassed about it.

I know contraception is unequal but we can only work with what’s available and the fact is it’s easier for science to come up with reversible/temporary ways to stop one egg a month than millions of sperm daily.

Rtmhwales · 18/06/2019 23:44

He's within his rights to refuse, but you also don't have to take the pill if you don't want. Tell him he can switch to condoms if you don't mind using them.

MitziK · 18/06/2019 23:46

Have you made an appointment to discuss sterilisation?

If not, YABU.

In any case, switching brand could very well sort the problem. As could having an implant or Mirena. None of which involves somebody else having surgery which is undoubtedly painful.

GibbonLover · 18/06/2019 23:50

YABU. Bodily autonomy and all that. How about a copper coil? Or have a tubal yourself. Is Essure still available or did they take that off the market?

Original poster
Teatime345 · 18/06/2019 23:54

Realise I’m being unreasonable then and puting pressure on him ..

OP posts:
ZippyBungleandGeorge · 18/06/2019 23:55

You don't have to have any form of contraception of you don't want and he doesn't have to have a vasectomy, you just don't have sex.

Jemima232 · 18/06/2019 23:56

Would you use a diaphragm or cervical cap + spermicide?

I know it's old-fashioned but nobody seems to use them these days.

No hormones, no implants, no coils.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 18/06/2019 23:57

Fwiw op my DH has offered to have a vasectomy once we decide if DS is definitely going to be an only or not. I think it's a really good option if you're committed/married and neither of you want more children even if the relationship should end. However it's his body, his choice ultimately.

Ravingstarfish · 18/06/2019 23:57

Yeah yabu, it’s a huge deal getting a vasectomy and if he doesn’t want one that’s completely up to him

StrippingTheVelvet · 19/06/2019 00:00

Honestly OP, read that back to yourself. Do you not believe him or think he isn't able to remember the medical advice he was given?

There's lots of different options for contraception out there. It shouldn't automatically fall to one person in a relationship but an increased risk of cancer is a fair reason why it should.

Alb1 · 19/06/2019 00:00

YABU, but you would not BU to stop contraception and make him wear a condom, it sound far better than hormonal contraception in your case

CanaryFish · 19/06/2019 00:01

Well I think everyone has jumped the gun a bit here,
The OP is just asking for a conversation about it - she’s not demanding her partner get one or anything (I assume)

OP I think maybe if your partner has had some trauma in the area then you need to approach it gently, just say to him if you don’t want a vasectomy that’s ok but he doesn’t have to make up/exaggerate reasons
An honest conversation is important , which I fully support. If your partner doesn’t want a vasectomy he doesn’t have to have one but hiding under a “I might get cancer so don’t ask me” banner isn’t ok (unless that’s genuinely true) so at least you both no where you stand;
“Ok you don’t want a vasectomy, I don’t want to keep taking pills - what should we do now?”
Is a perfectly valid conversation to have imo

DrReed · 19/06/2019 00:03

I think HIBU to not even discuss it with you. No you can't force him to have a vasectomy but he shouldn't just shut you down about talking about it. It is not the same as a female being sterilised; that is a more invasive procedure.

PregnantSea · 19/06/2019 00:05

YABU to pressure him into an operation with permanent consequences which he clearly doesn't want.

Equally you don't need to take the pill. He would be unreasonable to pressure you into it.

You need to have a chat about how to move forward with contraception as presumably you both still want to have sex?

jimmyhill · 19/06/2019 01:00

His body his choice.

No is a complete sentence.

Bubblemama · 19/06/2019 06:32

YANBU to want to discuss it with him. You've been doing all the contraceptive work for years and don't want to further upset your body. My DH offered to have a vasectomy to save me the significantly bigger, more invasive tubal op. They can do non-surgical vasectomys nowadays so I think he's being massively unreasonable to not talk through options with you at least.

If he doesn't want to that's fine, his body his choice. But it is also your body your choice for taking the pill. As someone who struggles a great deal on the pill myself I would offer to swap to condoms if having an open discussion is so outside his comfort zone. Not fair to put the entire birth control responsibility on you when you're already having problems and side effects from it. Worth mentioning to him that theres an increased risk of breast cancer from taking the mini pill too.

scaevola · 19/06/2019 06:41

It is his body and his choice.

Vasectomy carries risks - if he is disinclined to take them, that is entirely up to him.

If you are the one who does not want more children, and who thinks permanent removal of fertility by surgery is a good option, then you could look into getting sterilised yourself

Proteinshakesandtears · 19/06/2019 06:43

Yabu. And he has discussed it. He has said no and told the OP the reasons. I might research the cancer claim. But he has said no.

What op means he has said and no and womt discuss it further.

My exh wanted a vasectomy so went and got it. He feels resentful now, because I could have another child with Dp. He cant. No point relying on a reversal.

Not only that, complications with vasectomy are very under reported. I went with him when he had it done and the doctor explained that in great detail. That the risks are not as low as reported. Men generally tend not to report issues unless they are really bad. Exh was still experiencing pain 2 years after. We split then, so no idea ifbhe still does. But never saw a doctor. He is a case in point as to why its massively under reported.

As I said, he has discussed it. As IP knows he has said no and why. Trying to make him see a doctor is simply trying to change his mind.

AuntieStella · 19/06/2019 06:47

YABU

Why waste someone's appointment time? This is totally up to him, as bodiiy automony matters.

If you want him to take a turn at reversible contraceptive n, then the only option is condoms

If you want to stop using reversible contraception, then the decision is which the one of you is sterilised. He does not consent, so that leaves you. Neither of you has had surgery for this, so it's not 'taking turns, it's a whole new issue.

Previous medical history seems a pretty sound reason to refuse btw, as it increases the risk to him above that to the general population.

The risks of vasectomy seems to be routinely under-estimated on MN

araiwa · 19/06/2019 06:47

He has discussed it

He told you no and gave a fucking good reason why not

Yabu

ElectricLions · 19/06/2019 06:54

You need to take the vasectomy off the table and go in with the pill isn't agreeing with you what contraception should you use together?

Also the rate of failure for a vasectomy is 1 in 2000
the rate of failure for female is 1 in 200

Just putting that there for facts. The increased cancer risk is possibly a 0.3% according to the NHS and yet they can't definitively say that the vasectomy causes the prostate cancer, there may have been underlying issues with the men involved in the study that had nothing to do with a vasectomy. The vasectomy kills you headline was a Daily Fail one.

Swipe left for the next trending thread