Heavily pregnant and worried about DH’s behaviour

[Worriedmumtobe8]

I’m 28 and currently 38 wks pg. DH is 45 and when we first got together he said he didn’t want DC. I agreed as I was 24 and thought I’d never want children. I later told him my feelings had changed and I’d like a family. DH agreed as said he wanted me to be happy.

We got engaged and after the wedding agreed to stop ‘not trying’ and within only a couple of weeks I got a BFP. Throughout the pregnancy DH has not shown any signs of being happy or excited, which I put down to shock it happened so quickly. I’ve had to beg him to attend scans and appointments as he says he’s too busy, I’ve paid for everything we’ve needed in preparation for the baby as he hasn’t wanted to - despite being the significantly higher earner. DH has labelled me as boring as I’m exhausted and haven’t want to have sex regularly or socialise much. I’m still working 10hr days (as encouraged by DH to fund my time off when baby arrives) which doesn’t help.

He’s made hurtful comments... I’m boring since being pg, I wanted the baby so I better be prepared to look after it, he won’t be changing any dirty nappies, I better say goodbye to my social life as he’s not ruining his over it etc. I’ve been very down and tearful over this and all DH can say is that it’s my hormones and I’m taking myself too seriously.

I’m too embarrassed to discuss this with family in RL but have told a couple of close friends who say many men can be like this before the baby arrives, but when she’s here, he will change totally, step up and be a wonderful father. Having never been through this before, I’ve no idea how men normally react but I know this doesn’t feel right. I’d love to be corrected but AIBU in thinking he’s not going to change and suddenly become interested when she’s here? :( advice appreciated

It doesn’t sound like much of a partnership OP

which must be hard at this stage of your pregnancy

as encouraged by DH to fund my time off when baby arrives

Even in an entire post of fuckwittery (him not you) this jumped off the page.

He doesn't see you as equal, he treats you like shit, and he won't get involved with your baby before it's even born.

Why are you with him? What does he bring to your life? Beyond criticism and misogyny.

Not a nice man I'm afraid. Even if he might "step up" when your baby arrives he's not nice. Having you work to fund your time off?! He has to be kidding the tight fisted git! This should be a joint effort that's jointly funded. I really feel for you. If you have a supportive family talk to them.

some men don’t see themselves as being a father until the baby is born.

However this is not looking like a good sign is it?

They always say "get your ducks in a row" but honestly you should. Gather all the info you can on his finances, pensions etc and be prepared because honestly it sounds as if you'd be happier being a mother to your much wanted child without him.

Honestly it sounds like he actually didn't want a baby, and now the baby is coming, he still doesn't want a baby. Instead of stepping up, he's now using it as a stick to beat you with. Listen to exactly what he is telling you about how your life will be, because that is going to be your life.

You will be doing this on your own. I think unfortunately you need to work out whether it's going to be better doing it as a single mum, or parenting alone, but with an abusive partner to contend with as well.

I had to do that " save up and do overtime to fund my half of the bills for maternity leave "
I never forgave him for that
We split up 14 years ago and it still annoys me
As you are married, if you leave him, he'll probs have to give you more money than when together

I am so sorry OP that during your pregnancy you didn’t get the loving support you need from him.
I can imagine you feel very lonely at times. for you.

Does your DH have children from a previous relationship and how is to them as a father?
And have you tried to talk to him about how you feel?

I'm so sorry you're in this position. It's incredibly selfish of him to act this way. He should never have agreed to 'make you happy' when he had no intention in being involved in his babies life.

Let's hope some miracle happens after the baby is born and he falls instantly in love otherwise I can see a very lonely marriage occurring.

Do you have friends/family around you for support?

OP he told you he didn’t want a baby ☹️ Do you think the “stopping not trying” was to appease you and he hoped it would never happen?
Unfortunately for him the baby is going to be born and he will have to step up financially if nothing else. I’m sorry this is adding stress to your pregnancy.

This guy never wanted to be a father, and still doesn't want to be a father. And it's likely he won't want to be a father after the baby arrives.

No, this is not normal. This is not what committed blokes do. This is what blokes with one foot out the door do.

I think he will eventually fuck off, tbh. But not before distressing you hugely with his behaviour.

Do you have a solid family support system? You may need one.

This is not how some men are. He seems like a bullying controlling arse. You deserve better.

He didn't want a baby, he still doesn't want the baby, he is not likely to change.

Some men do change once the baby is here. My DH never really seemed interested when I was pregnant with our first, he was distant, worked more hours etc but once our DD was born he totally stepped up and is an amazing father.
Not all men do though, if I was you, I would give him a chance and see how he is once your baby arrives, but in the mean time I would get all my ducks in a row, then if he does step up fantastic, if he doesn't you have everything set up ready to leave.
The problem is the men that don't step up once the baby arrives, usually get worse instead.

You’ve all told me exactly what I know already deep down :(

To those asking, I have family nearby but they are unaware of any of this at the moment as I know they’d be awfully worried and probably upset I’ve got myself in this position.

Ah sorry op. What a shitty reality this has become for you. Agree with everyone else, he doesnt want this and is going to make your life hell when the baby gets here. If you are close to friends and family please start confiding in them. You will need the support. Dont isolate yourself.
Start getting your stuff together and making a plan if you need to separate.

Confide in your family OP, let them support you

I’m still working 10hr days (as encouraged by DH to fund my time off when baby arrives) which doesn’t help.

He sounds like a piece of shit, sorry.

Yes some expectant fathers might go a bit weird, like nervy, apprehensive or a bit distant. But the behaviours you describe are not this - they are horrible and just suggest he is a bastard. I doubt it'll get better when the baby arrives.

He sounds absolutely awful

Don’t call her an idiot for fucks sake

He sounds awful.

I am genuinely worried for you and for how your life is going to be once the baby is born.

I doubt very, very much that things are going to end well.

Please be honest with your friends and family because by the sound of things you are really, really going to need them.

To be honest, I would leave him before the baby even gets here and surround yourself with people who love you, care about you and who will be there for you because your husband isn't going to be.

He’s a shit, OP - no doubt about it.

Maybe he will step up when the baby is born but I think you need to make realistic preparations for what you will do if he doesn’t

OP do you think you could confide in a good friend or someone in your family? You could do with real life support now