Heavily pregnant and worried about DH’s behaviour

[Worriedmumtobe8]

I’m 28 and currently 38 wks pg. DH is 45 and when we first got together he said he didn’t want DC. I agreed as I was 24 and thought I’d never want children. I later told him my feelings had changed and I’d like a family. DH agreed as said he wanted me to be happy.

We got engaged and after the wedding agreed to stop ‘not trying’ and within only a couple of weeks I got a BFP. Throughout the pregnancy DH has not shown any signs of being happy or excited, which I put down to shock it happened so quickly. I’ve had to beg him to attend scans and appointments as he says he’s too busy, I’ve paid for everything we’ve needed in preparation for the baby as he hasn’t wanted to - despite being the significantly higher earner. DH has labelled me as boring as I’m exhausted and haven’t want to have sex regularly or socialise much. I’m still working 10hr days (as encouraged by DH to fund my time off when baby arrives) which doesn’t help.

He’s made hurtful comments... I’m boring since being pg, I wanted the baby so I better be prepared to look after it, he won’t be changing any dirty nappies, I better say goodbye to my social life as he’s not ruining his over it etc. I’ve been very down and tearful over this and all DH can say is that it’s my hormones and I’m taking myself too seriously.

I’m too embarrassed to discuss this with family in RL but have told a couple of close friends who say many men can be like this before the baby arrives, but when she’s here, he will change totally, step up and be a wonderful father. Having never been through this before, I’ve no idea how men normally react but I know this doesn’t feel right. I’d love to be corrected but AIBU in thinking he’s not going to change and suddenly become interested when she’s here? :( advice appreciated

I think that the chances are that he will fall for his baby and become much more involved. He could be a great dad. However, he's failing you as a partner. You need to decide, in a few months time, whether this is someone that you wish to spend the rest of your life with. If, when the baby is born, he doesn't step up to the mark and help out and give you the emotional and practical support that you need, then you need to talk to your family and turn to them for support. And not feel embarrassed about it. He should though!

Oh dear. I fear you are destined to be a single parent. The only question is whether you will happen to be married at the same time.

."Text him one day saying that you're looking at nurseries because some have waiting lists, and tell him the fees."

Just his reaction to this information will be very telling.

If I was your mum, I would want you to share this with me. I would want to shower you with love and make you know I had your back, whatever the outcome.

He’s made hurtful comments... I’m boring since being pg, I wanted the baby so I better be prepared to look after it, he won’t be changing any dirty nappies, I better say goodbye to my social life as he’s not ruining his over it etc. I’ve been very down and tearful over this and all DH can say is that it’s my hormones and I’m taking myself too seriously.

He's a dick. Seriously. A dick. You are being treated as his inferior.

And of course your relationship was great before you became pregnant ... you're almost 20 years younger than he is and had said you didn't want children. So he got youth and no responsibilities ... and now you're bringing responsibilities into his life that he doesn't actually want and is actively hostile to, and you're not the fun, carefree trophy girl he wanted.

He sounds like an immature, selfish dick. I would leave. Pursue him for CM and leave. Find someone who wants to be an equal partner and have a family with you.

Oh OP you had me worried at ‘DH agreed as said he wanted me to be happy.’

No matter how this plays out, you will get through it and with a wonderful little bean who is half of you and full of joy and wonder

My friend' DH didn't change his life 1 bit when their baby arrived. Baby was in special care for a while after birth. The day he came home the DH went out drinking with his mates for the night. He continued to go out every Friday and Satirday night like he had before he was a dad and used to stay in bed till 12pm.the next day. They were divorced before their son reached a year old.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Being 38 weeks pregnant is really hard, I'm amazed and impressed you are still working such long hours.

You are going to have a lot on your hands once baby is born. In the very best of circumstances having a newborn is so challenging that it can make you feel insane, exhausted, not yourself, anxious, upset etc. It's wonderful but also awful. You need support. I don't think you or anyone else could cope alone, or actually worse than alone, living with someone who doesn't help and who actually bullies and belittles.

With so little time to go, I would suggest making every preparation to move back in with your parents once the baby is born. You don't have to commit to it, just be prepared. Maybe he will turn around and be a good father and partner once the baby is born, I just doubt it. You must be honest with your parents as soon as possible so that they (and you) are prepared. Fortunately, you don't need much for a brand new baby! Give them all of your documents for safekeeping, make sure you have access to your own bank account (and that your salary and maternity payments are sent to it, move across any savings you have etc).

Personally I would not speak to your husband about any of this, you could do without the stress. Difficulties in your relationship (and maybe even separation) can be sorted out in the longer term as long as you have your important things safe (documents, money, yourself and your baby).

Whatever should happen with your husband, you're going to have a beautiful child and your parents will be absolutely delighted! So many happy times ahead, everything will work out. A nasty man can happen to anyone, sadly it's not uncommon. You're not alone. xxx

Why do you have separate finances?

I'm really sorry that he's not supporting you op, you deserve better

Whether or not he wanted the baby, he's treating you like absolute shit.

Why isn't your money joint - you're married!

I'd read him the riot act - say you'll need support when the baby is here, you expect him to step up and be supportive and pay for 50% of things.

If he won't - move in with your family. Don't waste years trying to make him the man you want him to be - he's telling you who he is.

Out of interest (no judgement), but that's quite a big age gap. Why was he single at 41? Does he have other kids/ a 'crazy' ex wife?

I would use the online calculator to work out how much he’d have to give you in cms and start thinking about an exit plan. Sorry, OP. He told you he didn’t want dc and now the reality is hitting him.

Mine didn’t want a baby, went along with it for me, was miserable during pregnancy, was miserable looking after a baby and we finally divorced when she was 7. He sees her now and loves her but still maintains life was better before kids. He was less of an arse than yours. Here what he is saying and believe it!

Sorry, op. My gut feeling tells me he will run for the hills once little one is born. Or worse, just stay for what he wants (sex/household sorted) and emotionally leave the relationship.... time to put your foot down, me thinks. Better lay the ground rules now than wait until you are even more vulnerable.

Go and talk to your parents.

Anyone who can treat you like this doesn't love you or even like you, and I know that's horribly blunt, but it's true.

If I were your Mum, I'd want to know and I'd want to look after you. Walk away with your head held high, only you can put a stop to him treating you like this

some men might be a bit worried, nervous etc before baby arrives but he is being downright awful. i understand when men are apprehensive but not telling you he's not going to be helping out?
he should be supporting you. i agree with previous comments - hopefully he will step up but it doesn't sound like it. you can do this on your own if needs be, i promise.

Jesus Christ. This is horrifying. He sounds like an awful bully.

Is your family supportive? I’d be really tempted to get out now if you can move back to your parents as it will only be more difficult when the baby’s born.

I’m so sorry OP.

I would leave now before you are dealing with mind crushing sleepless nights and a husband who moans about the baby at every whimper.

Leave now whilst you can still think straight.

Go home to your parents and run your life from there for the time being.

He won’t change. I can see him having affairs that will be yours and the babies faults if you protest.

Anything that goes wrong will be blamed on you and the baby.

I don’t see a happy future with this person

Sorry, I missed whether you're self-employed or WFH for another company. Whichever it is, there's no WAY you can continue to work whilst also caring for a baby.

He sees this baby as a pet for you and therefore you should fund it. He has no intention of being an equal parent. Sorry OP. It's not uncommon for men to hide their true colours til pregnancy or to deliberately push you away once the commitment becomes too real. Whatever happens you will be OK. You will be surprised at the strength you have when you see that baby
Surround yourself with people who care.

At the moment it sounds like he will be bringing nothing to the relationship in the future other than extra work for you and emotional turmoil. When the baby arrives, it will bring this too but also joy and love. You need to think if you need him or not.

Flipping heck! I'm dumbfounded. This is not normal. I'm so sorry to say this but you need to really think about your options. I just can't see it lasting. Your life is about to be turned upside down!

Fair enough he didn't want kids but he sounds like he doesnt want a wife any more either. It's one thing being scared about how your life is going to change but its bordering on abusive to be so unsupportive to your partner who is also going through this as well as physical issues of tiredness etc

Whatever his feelings he has a moral and legal obligation to support you financially through the pregnancy and beyond and this would be the case even if you left him

Pregnancy is a well known trigger for abuse and it sounds the case here if he has changed a lot since you became pregnant.

I would definitely make plans to do this alone as it seems like you will be alone anyway. Please tell your family, imagine how youd feel if your child went through this in the future - you would want to help

I guess there is a small chance he might switch back after the birth but to be honest would you trust him again? I dont think I could ever forgive or forget any person who was so downright nasty to me when I needed them. He's told you how hes going to be so I'd start believing him.

Make a note of everything he says to you, keep evidence of all texts and emails etc incase things escalate. Make sure you're protected financially. Make plans for somewhere else to live. You dont want your child to grow up thinking this is how people in relationships behave towards each other

Sorry this has happened to you.

You refer to your baby as "her", OP, so I think the question/answer scenario you need to involve yourself in is this: would you want your daughter to be miserable/torment herself/end up in a relationship like this?

No?

So why should you be miserable/tormented/in a relationship with a man who told you, very plainly, what he was like/what he wanted... before you even said "yes"?!

If you wouldn't want it for your child, then don't tolerate it for yourself.

Nope, he is never going to change.

Ever

Will probably get worse.

I agree, leave now before baby arrives !!!!