Heavily pregnant and worried about DH’s behaviour

[Worriedmumtobe8]

I’m 28 and currently 38 wks pg. DH is 45 and when we first got together he said he didn’t want DC. I agreed as I was 24 and thought I’d never want children. I later told him my feelings had changed and I’d like a family. DH agreed as said he wanted me to be happy.

We got engaged and after the wedding agreed to stop ‘not trying’ and within only a couple of weeks I got a BFP. Throughout the pregnancy DH has not shown any signs of being happy or excited, which I put down to shock it happened so quickly. I’ve had to beg him to attend scans and appointments as he says he’s too busy, I’ve paid for everything we’ve needed in preparation for the baby as he hasn’t wanted to - despite being the significantly higher earner. DH has labelled me as boring as I’m exhausted and haven’t want to have sex regularly or socialise much. I’m still working 10hr days (as encouraged by DH to fund my time off when baby arrives) which doesn’t help.

He’s made hurtful comments... I’m boring since being pg, I wanted the baby so I better be prepared to look after it, he won’t be changing any dirty nappies, I better say goodbye to my social life as he’s not ruining his over it etc. I’ve been very down and tearful over this and all DH can say is that it’s my hormones and I’m taking myself too seriously.

I’m too embarrassed to discuss this with family in RL but have told a couple of close friends who say many men can be like this before the baby arrives, but when she’s here, he will change totally, step up and be a wonderful father. Having never been through this before, I’ve no idea how men normally react but I know this doesn’t feel right. I’d love to be corrected but AIBU in thinking he’s not going to change and suddenly become interested when she’s here? :( advice appreciated

He didn't want the baby but you did.

And it looks like you'll be on your own.

So it might be best to prepare for this.

I'm sorry it has worked out like this, but I don't think it works just to hope he will suddenly change when the baby is born; more likely it would just get worse.

Find some support from family or friends- you won't be getting it from him.

I really feel for you OP. Definitely talk to your family and take time to think about your relationship. He's truly being awful to you. He agreed to not use contraception so can't blame you for falling pregnant.

I worried about telling my parents my marriage was over. They were so kind, supportive, practically and emotionally helpful. Tell your mum and dad and let them support you!

originally we agreed that we would joint fund the child care fees. Now he’s no longer happy to pay. I work from home and thinks I should juggle both which is ridiculous. He doesn’t want me to cut my hours either

OH FUCK THIS GUY

Even if you don't leave him before the baby is born, speaking to your family is the best thing you can do to ensure you have support when the little one arrives. Newborns are wonderful but you will be exhausted physically and emotionally - you cannot deal with that and the additional burdens of an arsehole and his twatty behaviour. Not should you have to.

Decent men don’t behave like this. They might get nervous, anxious, scared and a whole host of other things, but this behaviour is a massive red flag.

Personally I’d be making plans and leave ASAP. Potentially he’ll have a wake up call and sort himself out, but don’t count on that.

I wouldn’t even tell him you’re going. I’d do it all when he’s out. Get family round, pack it all up and just be gone when he gets home.

Then you’ll see how much he wants to make amends really.

Good luck OP. You’ll need it. It’s time to be realistic - you don’t want to be vulnerable with a baby too plus you don’t want him at the birth being a cunt.

So sorry op.

*nor

he never wanted children

But you did and he agreed and went ahead with it. I don’t blame him too much at all. He clearly wanted you to have a child but didn’t want a baby.

You can’t expect him to change much tbh.

Maybe when the baby is here ?

Is he even planning on being at the birth?
I can not believe he honestly thinks you can work long hours at home and have a newborn because he doesn’t want to pay for childcare. He won’t know how ridiculous this is until the baby is here but I’d hate him for even suggesting not having previously agreed to pay for childcare.
Are you parents close by? I’d honestly go and talk this all through with them, i think they will explain to you how this is all wrong.
Please take care.

So sorry OP. I'm pleased to read you are going to talk to your family - please do share this with the people who love you in real life. Babies turn your world upside down. Don't underestimate by how much. You will both be vulnerable and in need of support.

Please consider these points:

• what if you are incapacitated after the birth?
• what if your baby needs extra care?
• what if your baby struggles to feed/ hardly sleeps/ cries all the time?
• what if you have pnd?
• what if its all overwhelming and DH continues to be cruel?

Realistically, you are on your own already I hope your loved ones will step up for you x

What a truly unpleasant individual he sounds. I'm sorry you've discovered 'who he is' at such an unfortunate time. I hope you're strong enough to leave him, for the baby's sake.

He said he’d accept you getting pregnant, because he was worried you’d leave. Now that you’re pregnant, he thinks you’re stuck with him, so he can be honest. It also means you’ll be working and paying for the childcare, paying for the child’s clothes, etc doing all the and he can justify doing fuck all because “you were the one that wanted a baby. You knew I didn’t, so I don’t see why I should XYZ”.

I’m sorry OP, but he’s played you.

Who is going to be your birthing partner? If it's him then maybe have a back up person.

My ExH was similar to yours during pregnancy then just didn't turn up when I was in labour. There was no time to get anyone else there. I wish I'd lowered my expectations sooner

I am so sorry you're in this position op it's horrible for you. He is an absolute waste of space if he cannot see that you and his child are more important than anything else in his shitty little life. You really are better off without him, you and your baby deserve better.

You. Are. Worth. More.

Sounds like my ExH. He walked out of the door when I was miscarrying and told me to let him know how I got on!

Didn't mind fathering 3 children, just couldn't be arsed to step up to the role when it came to it. Get out now op.

Glad to read your update OP, that you’re going to speak to your family.

I’ve read your thread in horror. Good. I’m glad you’ve going to talk to your family. If they have time, get them to go through the paperwork and photocopy as much financial information on your husband as you can find. You should be nesting right now. Not working 10 hours a day. Your thread is truly shocking. There is nothing ‘d’ about your ‘h’.

Get copies of all financial paperwork, get out before the baby is born, and don’t put his name on the birth certificate. He still has to pay for his baby’s care, but it gives you some breathing space, regarding child contact. You’ll get people talking about HIS right to see his baby, but he has no rights. It’s about the wellbeing of your child and he sounds like the type that would be an asshole father.

he is not a nice man, and as heartbreaking as that is to realise.. you will be better off on your own with your baby. It is very close to birth and you do not need the added stress of worrying about him being such an arsehole to you ontop of everything else that comes with coping with a newborn. Get out whilst you can OP. You do not need him. I am a single mother of a baby and yes it is hard, but i would rather be on my own that deal with a selfish so called 'father' of my child. Oh, and you sound like you are doing amazing! Congratulations on your pregnancy!!

He is a CF of the highest order, he has not shown any appreciation or support for you, which should be a wonderful time for you both. I beg you please go through his finances with a fine tooth comb, get it on paper and safely stored away. I've seen friends in same situation and it's soul destroying. I hope that it all works out for you and wish you much happiness.💐

OP I am so sorry you are going through this please please do tell your family I note you are planning to tomorrow as another poster has said if I was your mom I would want to know - best of luck x

Talk to your family. If you get to the point of discussing how staying together would work, remind him it involves him paying half the childcare fees, and if he doesn’t you will go to his office with the baby and shout here’s your baby as I have a job too and you won’t contribute any money for childcare.

I’m relieved to see your update OP, you definitely need some support at this point. Your DH sounds like a nasty piece of work, he’s forcing you to work hard so that you can be ‘off’ and has now refused to pay childcare because you work from home.

The way you describe his reaction is like he’s allowed you to have a pet, not participated in bringing a life into the world.

Having a baby is hard, newborns are relentless as are toddlers, and children are all consuming. Trust me - you will be happier, more content and a better parent if you leave this piece of work and raise your much wanted baby alone. You do not need to be dealing with his crap whilst finding your way as a mum, he’ll spoil it for you and you and your newborn deserve better.

Congratulations OP, don’t let him spoil this amazing time,