Heavily pregnant and worried about DH’s behaviour

[Worriedmumtobe8]

I’m 28 and currently 38 wks pg. DH is 45 and when we first got together he said he didn’t want DC. I agreed as I was 24 and thought I’d never want children. I later told him my feelings had changed and I’d like a family. DH agreed as said he wanted me to be happy.

We got engaged and after the wedding agreed to stop ‘not trying’ and within only a couple of weeks I got a BFP. Throughout the pregnancy DH has not shown any signs of being happy or excited, which I put down to shock it happened so quickly. I’ve had to beg him to attend scans and appointments as he says he’s too busy, I’ve paid for everything we’ve needed in preparation for the baby as he hasn’t wanted to - despite being the significantly higher earner. DH has labelled me as boring as I’m exhausted and haven’t want to have sex regularly or socialise much. I’m still working 10hr days (as encouraged by DH to fund my time off when baby arrives) which doesn’t help.

He’s made hurtful comments... I’m boring since being pg, I wanted the baby so I better be prepared to look after it, he won’t be changing any dirty nappies, I better say goodbye to my social life as he’s not ruining his over it etc. I’ve been very down and tearful over this and all DH can say is that it’s my hormones and I’m taking myself too seriously.

I’m too embarrassed to discuss this with family in RL but have told a couple of close friends who say many men can be like this before the baby arrives, but when she’s here, he will change totally, step up and be a wonderful father. Having never been through this before, I’ve no idea how men normally react but I know this doesn’t feel right. I’d love to be corrected but AIBU in thinking he’s not going to change and suddenly become interested when she’s here? :( advice appreciated

My husband didn't like children and didn't want children. I MC about 5 babies and he was very unsupportive. When I became pregnant with our son, now 30 years old, he didn't give one shit. He even suggested I abort early on because his birth coincided with a big trip we were booked on.

And you got pregnant by him 6 times? I cannot believe he turned into a model doting father???!

OP your DH is an abusive arse

Post in relationships board you will get loads of great advice

You and your little girl do not have to live your lives like this. She is not an inconvenience to be resented she is a human being to be cherished

He's being truly awful. That's not how a supportive partner behaves.

Maybe he will change once the baby arrives? I wouldn't hold on to that hope though.

My DH was an absolute arse during my first (unplanned) pregnancy. Genuinely terrible. Uninterested in scans. Decided that he wanted to be out socialising every night. Kept bleating on about an abortion - that was his reaction to the 12 week scan picture. Is it too late then? Just beyond twattish. I made plans to leave.

He did do the overnight thing though. Turned up laden with gifts and baby clothes once DS was born and was totally smitten.

I just I wouldn't bank on that being his reaction. Especially at his age.

I hope you get the RL support that you deserve.

I just want to say please leave him before the birth. Have a supportive birthing partner. Use your surname. I had exactly the same thing, except we had a shop together. He gave me unrealistic goals to keep to even a few days after a c section I was back at work, he argued that my DDs feeding could wait as it was busy. It led to physical violence. He was horrible at the birth too, took my glasses away, told me to hurry up, shut up, what's wrong with you, that I had basically failed. He told the midwife I didn't need a cup of tea after the birth. Don't go through the same sort of thing. He sounds awful. I'm now pregnant 9 years later with someone who is so excited, helpful, wants me to look after my health, makes me tea! Good luck with everything but you deserve so much better.

Please surround yourself with loving supportive people after the birth.
You're going to need it. Newborns are exhausting.

Oh Op, I'm so sorry you're going through this - you should be enjoying your pregnancy and having someone look after you, especially at this stage.

I agree with the others - he's not just disinterested but is actually being a cruel bully who thinks you're stuck so is now showing you his true colours.

Please look out for yourself and confide in your family. Leave him now if you can (but as the others have said, get as much evidence of financial information as possible before you go). I'm worried he'll turn even more abusive after the baby is born and you may not feel strong enough then to deal with it.

for you and congratulations for the impending new arrival.

God these sorts of threads just make me so sad

Who are these abusive fuckwit men and where do they come from

I just weep at the thought of the poor baby boys being raised to think this is how men should behave and the baby girls being taught this is what to expect from men

OP my ex was like this apart from he acted excited until I was maybe 8 month pregnant (after I'd moved in with him following his insistence). This also coincided with the start of his affair.

He was a doting dad up until maybe six weeks after the birth. I think this was to allow me to recover and also the guilt of the affair (I found out when the baby was 3 weeks old). After this he just couldn't be bothered any more. He was unhelpful and treated me like dirt.

I told trusted family straight away and ensured his family knew everything.

I look back on my time as a single parent fondly as I loved it being just me and my son. Yes it was hard but he's 4 now, I've built a career from nothing in that time and I have a wonderful father.

I'm thankful every day that I left. My ex's family have been and still are amazingly supportive. My ex has just started to be interested in our son. I let him crack on. I've done all the work but always made it clear he could see our son and split celebrations as of course ex likes those bits!

I wish you lots of luck. Don't let anyone pressure you into anything whether that's leaving/staying etc. I had no idea how strong I was until I raised a baby alone. Whatever happens you'll be a brilliant mother. Don't be afraid to ask for help and enjoy your new baby!!!!

He decided to get together with a much younger woman who was in the prime of her child baring years.

Yeti he's angry you changed your mind. Thing is, he could've refused. Made it clear it was not something he could get on board with and then you could've been free to find someone else.

But he didn't - because he wants someone to look after him. He doesn't want to grow old alone so he convinced himself that it would be separate from him.

As a middle aged man he should know how to say no.

It's telling he has such a big emphasis on his social life and finances - because everything has to be about him.

It was fine before because he didn't have to give up time. Now he's out in that position, he's uncomfortable he has to be responsible for anything but his own ego.

Will he improve? Perhaps, though unlikely imo.

The fact he's not caring about your well being (physical, mental and emotional) is telling me that you don't rate high on his priorities. Even if he doesn't want the child, surely that love for you if he felt it so strongly would still be there?

I just think he's self centred and your life together is no longer what he wants.

I'm so sorry you are in this position 💐

Start building a running away fund and look up the addresses of shit hot divorce lawyers. This is not going to get any better and it's best to be prepared.

Och, you poor love. Look after yourself and your baby

he wanted young arm candy/trophy wife to stroke his ego, so he told you what you wanted to hear.
He didn't 'mind' you getting pregnant because it makes you dependent on him - which is exactly the position abusive men want their victims in.

Honestly, just leave and do it before the birth if you can.
Otherwise he's going to ruin your early days/time with your new baby.

Your OP reminded me of how my eldest DD’s dad treated me. I was 23 and he was 40 when she was born. It wasn’t a planned pregnancy and he really tried to bully me into having an abortion. I decided I couldn’t do that and that I’d have the baby without him.

He ended up sticking around but was like your DH, no financial help, no excitement about the baby, with a heavy sense that he blamed me for the whole thing. This may also be relevant to you, but I think also because he was so much older he just assumed he was right about everything, and his opinion was more valid. That’s not always the case in age gap relationships but that was certainly how he saw it.

I felt completely alone throughout the pregnancy. To be fair to him, he did step up and help out quite a lot over the first few manic weeks after the birth. However when dd was 1, I’d finally had enough of basically being a single parent (we didn’t live together and he only came over a couple of times a week), and struggling so much for money (he had literally contributed nothing by that point). So I ended it.

I’m glad I timed it like that, as by then he had built up a relationship with dd and has always had her EOW (and paid a pittance in maintenance). But that’s better than nothing and she loves her dad. I think if I’d walked during the pregnancy he probably would
Never had anything to do with her.

Sorry you’re going through this OP.

but when she’s here, he will change totally, step up and be a wonderful father.

This is often what people say to make you feel better about a shitty man.

When someone tells you who they are, listen.

It sounds like he agreed to a child to keep you happy/ to shut you up/ to stop you from leaving but does not expect to be a parent. You won’t be the first woman (holds hand up) to think that their partner would step up.

I'm so glad you are going to talk to them. You need rl support.

I wish I had done that.

Tell your family and leave him.

close friends who say many men can be like this before the baby arrives, but when she’s here, he will change totally, step up and be a wonderful father

Sorry but they are just being kind - most men are not like that at all . Most men actually get excited and can't wait to be fathers. Most men are not like your DH at all . I feel very sorry for you OP.

Leave now. You are a young woman and have your whole life before you. I sincerely hope your parents encourage you to come home as that's where you will have support. This guy does not deserve you and does not deserve to live with his beautiful new baby. Take things into your own hands so you have the decisions not him. You will feel far more confident and powerful doing that instead of depending on that excuse for a father and doing things his way.
He needs to be shocked into seeing he doesn't get to have a lovely young wife and treat her like this. Believe me it will be his loss and you will be fine.

My ds' dad did this. I left. He provided nothing financially or emotionally.

Years later I met someone else and he then decided he wanted to be a family and that I 'owed him the chance after having his son without permission'. I told him to fuck off and got married to my now partner.

LTB. He's a piece of shit.

I'm furious on your behalf and no he won't change after the baby is born and sounds incredibly immature.
I'd tell him if he carries on like this you won't be looking after him when he gets old and past it.
And he will be made to pay for his child when you leave him.
Be prepared for his behaviour to get even worse when the baby arrives and get your relatives on board.
So sorry.

for you OP, what a horrible situation to be in when you’re pregnant and vulnerable.

He is horrible and you deserve better

Glad you are going to talk to family and get the support you need. Sorry you’ve been going through all this alone x

He may change after the birth some men do, but your still going to have to deal with how he treated you whilst you were vulnerable.

Nothing can change the way he's treated you, it's disgraceful.

Please share with your friends and family you're going to need support.

What a truly awful man your DH is. He is a bully and abusive. Getting you to work long hours as he won’t be paying. Get RL support ASAP as you will need it. Those on here saying ‘oh don’t worry he will step up when the little one arrives’. Dear god really , raise your standards. Pregnancy is an emotional time when couples need to be together, the first scans are exciting and feeling the first bump. Not what the OP is experiencing and sorry I wouldn’t be forgiving my DP if he behaved like that then suddenly became interested, he has shown you who he is.

@Worriedmumtobe8 good luck with talking to family, your 38 weeks now so you're "due", think about giving up work now and perhaps get some rest at one of your family's homes?

You need to relax, take a break and get ready to welcome your baby into the world.

I'd consider another birthing partner, your DH doesn't seem like he's truly committed and up for the honour of that job.

Keep us updated, especially when little one arrives.

How did you get on talking with your family OP? And how are you today?